The irresistable force meets unmovable object

Right now I don’t continue with my European travel entries. I owe You my story about girls, about love and passion, fails and harsh things that people do, etc. Basically it is a backlash to my stay in Kenya and some things that happened after return to Estonia, but still were so much about Kenya.
As I have also wrote here, I went to Kenya with the idea in my mind that I must take every opportunity and adventure that Kenya has to offer (well... my kind of adventure means no safari animal viewing, but some other things). Kind of as a part of that I planned to try out an African girl. Pretty much as soon as I got to Eldoret, I fell in love. Well, I actually didn’t plan to fall in love. My idea was just to try out a beautiful local girl, but you know how are feelings – they just happen. At first I didn’t even admit that I was so far with my feelings. I even didn't know whom I really like... Kate or Sarah or... basically I even had feelings for one girl in Estonia, and before leaving, I kind of promised myself that when I come back I will finally say my feelings out. But over time I understood, that it is as clear as a fact, that I was now suddenly deeply in love with Catherine (Kate), my first girl in Kenya. I just knew that I must break the promise I made to myself in Estonia about this other girl. I started thinking, what now? At that point I already knew that I like Kenya, and I don’t even care about any downsides of this country and society. I didn't care that I will surely miss some things from my home. I started thinking out a plan how to stay or come back to Kenya. For the irony of fate, at the same time Kate started to cool down in relations towards me. These were extremely weird times. I didn’t understand at all what was going on. Kate had lots of secrets. In times she said that she likes me, sometimes even showing it out. At some other times (increasingly often) she simply started avoiding me and behaving weirdly towards me... kind of like someone would have turned her against her own wish away from me. For a long, I tried to find out the problem and fix it, but finally Kate saw that only way was to break up. I was devastated. Then I really started searching other girl just for getting over Kate.

I met Kwamboka in a danceclub and in many ways my story with her was much simpler. We got together, had fun, had sex, and I got closer to real local life than with anyone else. at least in the beginning it was without any complications for me. But I weren't completely happy. First of all, I must say that she didn’t deserve what I did for her, as at first she got to be my rebound girl (she also finally got to know about it), meaning she had surely more serious feelings than I (Although from time to time I have thought that I actually felt more than I let myself to believe... I was still hurt by last loss), and secondly I left her because of another girl, another Kenyan girl, saying everything honestly out to her. This all was so cruel to her, and I appologise for her, but again, I couldn’t have done it differently (I couldn’t had resisted her and I couldn’t have lied to her in the end... and same way as I couldn't had resisted her, I couldn't have resisted this another girl). And still, when perhaps in the beginning she really was just to relieve my pain from last ditching, then after some time I really started feeling differently about her. Even if not love yet, I started liking her and us together, as there was a passion that pretty much was missing from my story with Kate (at least in a way I would have liked it). Yes, there were also some things that I didn’t like about Kwamboka, things that made me unsure, and I guess, these things got fateful in the end, as the girl to whom I really fell again was exactly what I didn’t find in Kwamboka. Or at least so I like to think. But as I said, things were complicated in a different way. For example, our relationship got physical very quickly, but we were already separated by some land in Kenya, as she didn’t live in the same town as I, so basically maybe when we met it was too intensive in some ways. Then again, I still liked what I had with her, and I really started liking her. I liked to go to party with her, I liked when we were camping with her friends, in general I liked her friends and that she included me in things she did with her friends. I adored her beautiful body and how normal she was in the sense what a European man expects from modern girl, I liked to have wild sex with her and I also liked to have just soft caressing moments. Basically first time in my life I felt that I have really good, normal, working relationship with someone. She is even such a girl with whom I can imagine myself living together. But it seems it wasn’t enough. For really pointless small things I felt that she isn’t yet the right one. Things like this same partygoing nature of hers that I also liked. I asked myself why I don’t like when girls in Estonia are going clubs... and finally I felt that I like when girl is joyful, adventurous and likes to have fun, so I wouldn’t be always bored with her at home, but I also wish my girl to take life more seriously than she seemed to. But this was wrong answer. I even can't say what is the difference, but when at first she seemed maybe even too much European like girl, then now I would say that I simply knew her too little time, and actually never saw her so said everyday side. Another thing,... I also just happen to like very dark beauties, and as she was quite light, the dark skin of my third girl just drew me as did her simple warmheartedness. Not that I would say that Kwamboka was not to my liking and cold. No, in contrary... I already said that she was beautiful and nice, but just at one moment I was attracted by another girl more. What can I do?

I never even kissed my third darling (well, only to cheek), because I was in that sense true to some ethics. I wanted to say to Kwamboka first, that it doesn’t work between us, and yet I couldn’t do that before leaving (I was too much of a coward or maybe unsure of myself). It was two days before leaving Kenya, when I understood that my feelings towards that third girl are too strong for not to even say it out. I didn’t say it to her then, but only some time after my return to Estonia, but I think we already understood about eachothers feelings for some time, as we just were together as friends quite a lot in the end... and there were signs. Yeah, I think I weren't sure of many things. Also with Kwamboka I finally broke up when I was already in Estonia... when I came to understand that my heart feels too strong feelings for third girl. But just a little bit later I said to my best friend that I actually have come to love both of these girls, and although in Kenya polygamy is legal, I'm sure, neither of these girls would accept me being with both of them. Actually I think I’m more of a traditionalist (one woman man) myself too... only my feelings are split to two and making it even more difficult for me. How can you choose a love. But I had to choose, and I did. Actually Kwamboka made it easier for me, saying that she removes herself from that triangle. Yet, I know, that feelings of both of us still remain. And, I am sure that I would have made that same choice also myself... I would do that choice if I would get another chance. My love for my last sweetheart was just so great. And that said, it is even sader now.

Anyway, let it be said out now (now when this thing seems to be over), that third girl was Betty, who was a good friend for quite a many from our group there. This was really crazy thing. Those few of my friends whom I still haven’t told about it, would be now pretty shocked (so if any of you read it, then sorry for everything... not telling you and I don’t know what else), as she was engaged to be married. But there was irresistable attraction between us... from both sides. It was already quite the end of our stay there... maybe two weeks before we had to go, or three... anyway, most of our group went to coast for second time, to say goodby to divine Kenyan beaches and good life. Helen who stayed home with me, wasn’t actually home much, but with his Kenyan boyfriend (if I can say so). So I felt lonely and was looking for some company. There wasn’t much choice for me – one friend I had in Eldoret was Betty. So I called her, that perhaps we could meet and do something. Basically it seemed that it took no time at all from her to come up with a plan. She said that lets meet in town, and then she wants to take me somewhere. We had already been in her home with most of our group and she took us also to one nice place with a waterfall, but nothing is more special than her plan then. She took me to her country home, where was her own farm, farm of her grandma and also farm of one other related family. I even didn’t know that we go so far away, meaning we stay over night. Total surprise and such an honour for me. These days I felt like among my own family, and in these days I got a crush for her. As I said, I held it secret until I had left and weren't even sure if I ever should say it out, although I had already seen signs from Betty that maybe she also feels same towards me. Actually on second day at countryside there, she even proposed that we can stay another day at her farm. First night she was at her grandparents place and I at this farm of other relatives. So, you surely see what this means. But how ever tempting this offer was, I had mixed feelings. Well, because in this morning she also said to me that she is not sure anymore about the marriage plans, and because at other waterfalls we visited this day we clearly flirted, so I already was pretty sure that the reason of doubting about marriage plans may be me, but still, I weren’t sure yet if I could take that blame on me, and also thing with Kwamboka. Or maybe I even would have, but additionally, I didn’t had toothbrush and condoms with me (as I already said, I had no clue where are we going or what could happen).

But more I thought about it the more I fell in love with her. For long I wondered what to do and at last, when I was already home and had been away from both girls for some time, came to conclusion that if she anyway has doubts about marriage, if she had got a crush to someone else, then she shouldn’t marry, no matter if it is because of me or not. I also found that I need to know what she feels about me and I need at least to say my feelings out to her... maybe I have just imagined these signs I saw, maybe it was something else and we wouldn't anyway have a chance together. Well, I talked with her and she affirmed what I believed. She said that she had got a crush on me even earlier than I did, and saying that she doesn’t know what to do now. She waited answer from me. What other answer I could have given. Now I didn’t care at all about this other poor man of hers. I said, that if you doubt, you are not probably ready for marriage, but the final decision is only yours and that should come from heart. And against all odds, she chose to hope to get together with me again.

I would say that I have never had better girl, but how much I actually know about her. I know that I like what her mind was, a little bit about her personality. Her honesty and simple nature, and that flirtyness I saw, but I absolutely discarded everything else... things that I can’t find out just with little time together in Kenya when we even weren't yet together as a couple, or later through phonecalls and e-mails over quite long time. I just hoped all best. In that sense Kwamboka would have been absolutely more of a sure deal. But again I must say that sometimes it is hard to fight with your heart... you don’t listen your mind. Actually realistic thinking would have said to me that it is pretty hard chance to get back to Africa anyway. And still, I hope to get back there, now only it seems that I don’t have any of these girls. Although yes, like I wrote in my travel stories during Eurotrip, also Kate started calling me again. She even asked when I’m coming back, showing clearly that she would want to restore our thing, but this time it was me who started avoiding her, and now she ceased her tries. I just wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore. Even if she would tell me all the truth, why she left me in first place, I wouldn't be able to trust that she actually loves me. And moreover, she showed that she can close into herself and hold so many secrets from me, that I think I would never be able to have a normal life with her, where she would trust me in almost anything. No, with this girl I better stay at the safe side now.

Yeah, for a year and a half we hoped for our thing with Betty, but now suddenly and again painfully for me it is over. Actually this time it is painful for both of us, as reason for the end of it, is just unfair and cruel. Almost entire december I have tried to call Betty, but calls were always canceled. I started thinking that maybe she fell for someone else. Africa just is full of feelings and it is hard to control it. And Africans generally are impulsive. But it wasn’t so. I sent a message that at least I want to know the reason and that I keep calling until she is tired of cancelling the calls. I thought that maybe just like Kate she fears to say out what is on her mind. So today, after almost week of trying to call her and many messages, she answered with a message from someone else's phone, and it was even more painful for me than I had believed possible to be. It seems that finally her dad got to know the reason why she cancelled the wedding. Her dad got angry and said that he doesn’t approve me. He took Betty’s phone away, probably hoping that I just give up if I don’t get her to phone for long enough time. For Betty, family is important, that I know, but still I don’t understand how Betty’s feelengs aren’t equally important for them. Anyway, Betty said that she is sorry and this probably is the end of it.

Oh damn... so far, even foresensing something bad, I didn’t shed a tear, but today it hit me hard. How can it be that someone’s family has right of say over feelings of their daughter, knowing it will break the hearts of both her and her loved one. And damn again... when some of Kwamboka’s friends and also her mother showed same reaction towards me, then she chose me over them. She left home, and at least then she left also these few friends who didn't understand her feelings. Well, I don’t blame Betty for not doing same, but it is still hard to believe that she would give up so easily. Now I just think all the time what to do. Should I show more consistency, adressing some messages also to her father. I don’t believe it can work. If I would have my own appartment, I would make Betty a proposal that I would buy her a plain ticket to Estonia. I hope she shows out her loss as hardly as I do, so that finally her dad would see that our love is honest and not some simple affection that goes over, that we are fighting for it, and that he is just hurting her... and me (about that he of course wouldn't care, as I offended him by first destroying wedding plans he had made, and then by keeping this all secret from him). Again I’m so struck by that, that I just can’t accept the loss of her. I really love her too much... and I believe she loves me as much. But traditions in Kenya are strong and such man as him, have lots of pride. If I only would still be in Kenya.

So this is the whole truth about me and my girls in Kenya. I dedicate that to Festus, who writes often about men and women and their relations and how it should be. So basically this is in what sense I would argue against him. He said that women should be careful of men who don’t take them seriously, women should be careful selecting good independent men, and he really categorizes men. I would say that our hearts do things that are almost out of our control, and I would say that neither men nor women should be ashamed of that or condemn such occurences. I have always believed that people should take their life more freely. We should have also simple sex, we should have failures from what we learn, and we must have great passionate love that would fight with hardest reality. Even holy man Dalai Lama says that love and cooking should be approached with foolhardy devotion. That is what I did in all of these three cases, and I don’t think it makes me a bad man who just takes advantage of girls and destroys their to be marriages. Love and enjoyment are basically in my view what people often search the answer for: what is the meaning of life. Even if I get hurt, even if I get deeply burned by desire, I take it and look later back to my life with satisfaction and happiness, as I did everything I could. Even most world’s religions liken passion and love with God. By the way, anyone reading this, tell me what to do... what can I do?

No man should have a power over woman's mind and life - not father, not husband, not priest and not even a king - women should have free will as we all.