Friday, June 20, 2008

Dreaming Life

I think, this is most surreal thing i've ever written.. but yo, it ain't absurd.. it has a story, it has the message. So, even if it's not very much needed knowledge, it is in my my soul to doubt about things like this and argue about basis of life and being. This writing has the parallels with my favourite movie "Waking Life", through having the dreamlike feeling that you are not sure what's this all about - life. It is wishful thinking.. beliefs of best possible reality creates ultimate joy, but there's danger that it may turn out to be only a dream. Waking up is voice that sais.. yo man, you lost. But at least in some universe or just in my head, this dream can last. In every morning you wake up, yet every new night you can see dream again.. and in some way dreams do last forever, because when you remember it, you believe it,.. you live it. Well, but maybe life is dream and dream is life. Then how to understand which one you live and do you want to wake up. Or if everything is dream, wouldn't it then mean it is all also a life. Anyways, what is almost sure, is that also dream is reality.. you know you have it. Dream really happens, although you are at sleep then. Difference is, when you are awake, you have full control of things,.. even when it seems not so. Also happenings in life are linear and depending of the last and next one. But when life is in dream, control you have is illusional. It changes constantly, even past. But you don't understand that because with changes in life, also your memories, beliefs and personality will be according to new reality. If you don't understand what i'm talking about, i'd advice you to watch another movie too.. "Dark City".. this talks how changes may happen so that people in the middle of these don't even understand they live consantly a brand new life. Living awake or dreaming. And yes, in this reality they have no control, everything happens because of the outside power. which way is more valuable or more comfortable or more real is up to you. Yo.. it's time for another poetry lookalike thingie.

Waking Life

Some day i will wake up

and think that i have never ever

actually thought before

everything will last forever

weather forecast makes me bored

in infinity i fare with you together

run with joy through the storm

with slow pace or maybe never i ought to grow up

like every other mushroom.

Littlebit, rain takes down my lovefever

it's another ordinary afternoon

it's bit cold, makes you shiver

i wonder is it because the chilly air, me or daytime moon

can something at all be better

in sacred serenity

you know everything is cool

i may be just a dreamer

who yet has to wake up and feel as a fool

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Theater and the truth

For all of you who can't read estonian and don't know what this is, here, some background info. As you can see, i have teken this photo, and last one too, some time ago. This was a commercial for one of the theatre shows. I didn't go there, but this commercial was more interesting for me. On this one it is written: "Sometimes seems that life is getting over, but there was no love".


I hope you understand, that these photos doesn't depict the commercial stand for this theatre show, but with them i hope to show you a totally different idea that doesn't need any knowledge about that theatre play. I believe many of you had already realised that, but if not, then it is good that i wrote that explanation. And certain is that i will not tell you the exact idea i had, i only tell you - think and you will see through my eyes.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Veelkord hedonismist ja orjusest (now translated to English too)

-Õnn pole eesmärk, õnn on eluviis-
Miks on pealkirjas sõna veelkord,.. aga seepärast, et blogis, millest ma siia kolisin, ma samal teemal juba kunagi kirjutasin.. ja nüüd, lugedes seda vana teksti, mille ma igaksjuhuks olin otsustanud wordis salvestada, leidsin päris mitmeid asju, mis väärivad ka uuesti siia üles kirjutamist. Seega, kes te olete mu vana blogi näinud, siis osa sellest sissekandest on sama.. aga vaid osa.
Alustuseks üks põletav kogemus täna. Ma siin ühes postis seletasin, kuidas asjad progressiivselt alla käivad. Vähemalt siis, kui kõigepealt süüa juustu popcorni ja seejärel peekoni oma. Ja siis ma mõtlesin, et enam hullemat popcorni ei saa olla, aga tuleb välja, et progressi (kuigi tagurpidist) ei saa siiski peatada. Nimelt on peekoni popcornist kõvasti hullem põlenud popcorn. Samas võiks mõni ekspert seda musta ühtesulanud ja veel seesmiselt särisevat käkki nähes küsida, et kas saab ikka kindel olla et see üldse popcorn on. Õde tuli hetk pärast põhi äktsioni toimumist tuppa ja ütles, et kõrbehaisu on isegi õue tunda. Ma küll püüdsin asja arusaadavamaks muuta, seletades, kuidas ma selle suitseva objekti kähku rõdule viskasin. Seejärel tuli aga välja, et õde tuli hoopis teiseltpoolt maja. Peaks siis õnnelik olema, et keegi tuletõrjet ei kutsunud. Noh jah, riided haisevad küll hetkel nagu oleksin olnud vabatahtlik mõne kulupõlengu kustutamisel. Huvitav, milline veel hullem popcorn on. See peab ilmselt mikrolaineahjus mingeid füüsikaseaduseid eirama ja muutuma millegiks rõvedaks või omandama kerge gammakiirguse. Igaljuhul on hetkel selline tunne, et ega vist ei tasu enam popcorni osta. Muidu on 13. reede suhteliselt sündmustevaeselt möödunud.
Kui ma täna seda popcorni ja õlut käisin ostmas (muide, hea seegi, et õllega mingit jama ei juhtunud), panin tähele, et isegi meie pisikeses provintsilinnakus on politsei hakanud oma tööd tõsiselt võtma. Täna koristasid nad poe eest vanasid koledate nägude ja kalasilmadega taarausku mehi. Nädalake tagasi tegid nad aga mu ühele sõbrale trahvi, kuna ta autos ei olnud lapse jaoks turvaistet. Nüüd ma natuke kardan, et äkki nad peatavad mingil hetkel juba ka kiivrita rattureid ja pimedal ajal helkurita jalakäijaid. Miskipärast räägitakse, et eestlased on hiljuti laisaks muutunud, vägijooki kuritarvitama hakanud ning unustanud tõsised teod. No ma ei tea,.. see teine võib tõesti õige olla, aga minule tundub pigem, et eestlased on ikka üks kuradima pikaldase mõtlemise või äkki isegi mitte eriti üldse mõtlev ja jubedalt rabelev ja tööd rabav rahvas. Siinkohal tuleb taas meelde, kuidas üks Eesti maavanematest Maleva filmis pakkusid välja, et koledate tegude karistuseks sõjatandril, võiks sakslaste kiuste kõik töö nende eest ära teha. Nüüd küll ei ole enam siin eriti sakslasi, aga vägisi teiste eest töö ära tegemine jätkub, sest suur osa firmadest, kus eestlased on madalapalgalised töölised, on ju välismaised. Nüüd küll tapetakse ennast selle nimel, et saaks ohjeldamatult tarbida. Ei tea kas nüüd tahame läänemaailma kiuste ka kõik nende toodetud kauba ära tarbida.
See oli vist veel eile õhtul, kui vaatasin riigikogu infotundi. Ja mis me kuuleme, meie oma praegune "maavanem", peaminister Andrus Ansip tõestab mu kurva nägemuse tõesuse, et ega eriti ei mõelda ja midagi erilist halba ei nähta, sest meie eesmärgiks ongi tublisti tööd rabada ja ohjeldamatult tarbida. Seda nähakse lausa majanduse alusena. Kulla peaminister.. selline suhtumine on muutumas majanduse ja kogu ühiskonna progressiivse allakäigu alguseks. Esiteks suur konkurents ja stress, mis tõsise orjaühiskonnaga kaasneb, panebki rahva viinapudeli põhjast vastuseid otsima. Teiseks, tarbimine, mis ausalt öeldes pakub tavaliselt rahuldust vaid väga lühikeseks ajaks, on ohtlik kogu inimkonna tuleviku seisukohalt. Ühes dokumentaalis, mida ka hiljuti nägin, räägiti, et praeguse produktsiooni, tarbimise ja saastamise juures oleks meil lisaks praegusele vaja veel nelja Maa suurust planeeti. Jah, orjaühiskond meil ongi, sest kasu teenib ikkagi püramiidi tipp.
Siinkohal meenub ka ühe meile ülikoolis loengut pidanud professori räägitud lugu kultuuride kokkupõrkest ja kapitalismi valelikust müüdist parema elu saavutamise kohta. Lugu on järgmine:
Neeger istub banaanipuu all, kui valge mees talle ligi astub. Viimane küsib, mis neeger teeb ja kuuldes, et see ootab kunas banaan puu otsast alla kukub, ütleb ta: "Tüüpiline aafriklane, tööd ei viitsi teha aga süüa tahaks saada". Valge mees hakkab siis õpetama, et kuule pinguta natuke, roni puu otsa ja korja juba kõik banaanid kokku. Neeger küsib seepeale, et mis ta nii paljude banaanidega tegema peaks, ta tahab ju vaid ühte süüa. Valge mees jääb aga endale kindlaks ja soovitab ülejäänud banaanid turul maha müüa ja teenitud raha eest käru osta, et veel rohkem banaane turule viia ja veel rohkem raha teenida. Neeger on nüüd aga eriti segaduses: "Aga mida ma selle veel suurema raha hunnikuga peaksin tegema"? Valge mees soovitab, et siis võib endale juba töölised banaane korjama palgata ja ise ei peagi enam ise midagi tegema. Seepeale küsib neeger: "Aga mida ma siis praegult nii väga teen"?!
Jah, tõsise hedonisti usku inimesena arvan ka mina, et elu mõte on nautida. Nautimine on aga erinevatele inimestele erineva tähendusega. Enamik inimesi teevad pale higis tööd, et oleks küllalt raha, millega võimaldada endale igasuguseid asju ja üritusi. Samas, kui paljud neist selle jaoks tehtavat tööd naudivad? Mitte just eriti paljud. Kuna üldiselt on nii, et mida rohkem on sul raha, seda rohkem tundub seda ikka vähe olevat. Seepärast teevad need inimesed aga aina rohkem ja rohkem tööd. Siis tekib stress, väsimus ja tervisehäired. Aga nad ikkagi peavad seda vajalikuks ohvriks, et tunda elust mõnu.
Selline elu ei ole minu arust eriti hea. Mina eelistan tööd võimalikult vähe teha.. vaid nii palju, et oleks hädavajalik raha. Naudin mitte töötamist.. naudin lihtsaid asju, mis ei nõua palju raha.
Ainult see on tõeline hedonism, kui sa saad nautida absoluutselt kogu aeg. Kahjuks on tänapäevane aeg tekitanud inimestes tunde, et ainult ühtmoodi ongi võimalik elada (jah, jälle ma kasutan seda ühe võimaluse mõistet) - orjates kapitalistlikku võimu. Ja mida me sellega tegelikult teeme? Hävitame maailma, raiskame üleproduktsiooniga ressursse, saastame loodust, garanteerime iseendi hävingu. Baroki ajastul oli levinud mõtteviis, et mis meil sellest, kui peale meid maailmalõpp tuleb.. seda enam peame me pidutsema. Sellest on möödas juba sajandeid, aga jälle on sama mõtteviis tagasi. Ometi tahavad kõik järglasi. Mis te neist lastest teete, kui te ise nende elukeskkonda hävitate.
Kas see, mis on, peabki olema? Ma mõtlen seda, et ajal, kui me oleme saavutanud tohutu tehnoloogilise arengu, mis pakub aina uusi mugavus- ja trendiasju, tekib küsimus, et kas meil on tõesti kõike seda eluks vaja. Vähemalt mina arvan, et ei ole. Ma saan küll aru, et keegi ei taha ju elada nagu mõni primaat, aga võtke näiteks eeskuju rastadest Jamaical. Nad elavad suhteliselt normaalsetes, tänapäevastes majades.. elavad lihtsat elu ja on siiski õnnelikud. Palju õnnelikumad, kui mingi rahahai fucked up Euroliidus, Estonias või US impeeriumis. Vahelduseks üks huvitav fakt: Juba üle 2000 aasta tagasi hakati mõtlema, et kas ehk peaks looma Euroopa liidu, mitu korda on sellele päris lähedalgi oldud (nt. Rooma ja fašhistlik Saksamaa), aga ikka ja jälle näitab aeg, et imperialism ei ole mõeldud püsima.. just selle pärast, et tegelikult selline võim võtab inimestelt vabaduse ja võime õnnelik olla. Ja ükskord tuleb aega, kui Kalev tuleb mootorsaega.. ja maa saab värisema. Siis saame jälle laulda, et mõisad põlevad, saksad surevad.. ja lõpuks kukub Euroopa Liit ja vereimejatest poliitikud peavad taganema inimmasside ees, kes peale kannatusi on lõpuks aru saanud, et on ka teistsuguseid võimalusi elada, kui teenida isandaid, sõdida mõttetute ideaalide pärast ja ohverdada ennast ning maailma tühiste asjade nimel.
Mõelge natuke ise, kas on üldse põhjuseid, miks ei võiks maailm olla vaba sõdadest, vihast ja rassismist. Meil pole ju isegi vaja riigi piire, pole vaja valitsusi (ei riigivalitsust ega isegi omavalitsusi).. kui pole riigipiire, ei saaks ju tegelikult olla ka rasside vahelist vaenu. Kõik töötaksid ühe eesmärgi nimel.. et elada. Kui vajad elukohta, raiud mittekellegi metsa ja naabrid tulevad sulle appi maja ehitama (sest ka sina aitad neid). Ja ega juba tehtud avastused ära ei kao.. seega ega sellised mugavused, nagu soe vesi ja üldse soojustus majadest ära ei pea kaduma. See oleks lihtsalt tänapäevane variant kunagisest Ameerika indiaanlaste elustiilist. Hmm.. ma poleks kunagi uskunud, et ma ükskord hakkan toetama kommunismi (aga see ei ole ju see paha, kuri, paha kommunism, mida tänapäeval tuntakse). Ja pealegi oleks see kõvasti rohkem demokraatlikum, kui demokraatia ise. Te kindlasti arvate, et siis teeb igamees seda, mis ise tahab. Aga see olgu meie endi moraali küsimus. Jajah.. tänapäeval ei olegi eriti enam moraali ja eetikat järel. Ja miks ka mitte.. kui juhtub nii, et mees teeb, mis mees tahab.. siis ka vastutagu oma tegude eest oma hinge ja eluga. Üldse on ju loodusseadus, et tugevam jääb ellu ja see on ka õige. Hetkel on tunne, et tugevam on ülbem ja mugavam.. meid nööriv isand.. aga me oleme ju tegelikult nagu Vana-Rooma orjad.. me samamoodi ei teadvusta endale, milline jõud me oleme. Ja elame teadmatuses.. tedmata, mis on vabadus.
Well, ma võin ju neeger olla, ja võite mulle öelda, et ma olen looder etc. aga vähemalt ma olen õnnelik ja mul ei ole peaaegu kunagi stressi ja mul on aega, et nautida maailma ilu. Ma ei tahagi, et kõik mõtleksid nii nagu mina.. see oleks tegelikult juba minule kahjulik. Aga mulle ei meeldi, kui mulle öeldakse, et ma peaksin oma elustiili muutma.. et ei ole õige teiste kulul elada.. et peaks tööd tegema ja maailmale "kasulik" olema. Teate, mul on parematki teha kui raisata oma aega mõttetule pingeid, haigusi ja muid probleeme tekitavale tööle. Eriti kui see kokkuvõttes hoopis tekitab hukatuse või on lihtsalt mõttetu. Ja ammugi ei taha ma olla sihuke bloody brick nagu on poliitikud ja ärijuhid. Sol Lucet Omnibus!
..over and out.

Translation to English (21.05.2009) - I left part of it untranslated because my thoughts have changed and I thought that not everything is worth of translating anymore.
One more time about hedonism and slavery
-Happiness ain't goal, it's lifestyle-
Why it's written "one more time" in the title.. that is because in my former blog I already had wrote on that theme and I found that there were some things worthy to rewrite it here. For the start one burning experience I had today. I explained here in one post, how things tend to get worse progressively. At least when first you eat cheese popcorn and then the bacon flavoured one. Then I thought it is impossible to get worse popcorn, but it seems that progress (although reverse) can't be stopped. Notably much more horrific than the bacon popcorn is the burned one. Possibly some expert could ask if this black, melted, inside still smoldering mass could even called a popcorn at all, but anyway. My sister came home only moment after the main action and said that burning smell is even to be felt outside. I then tried to make it more understandable by explaining how I quickly threw that smoking object to balcony, but then sis said that she came from the other side of the house. I guess, I should be happy that no-one called the firesquad.. and yeah, my clothes do smell now like i'd been a voluntary to extinguish some real fire. I wonder which would be even worse popcorn. I guess it has to ignore some laws of physics in the microwave and turn into something foul or acqire slight gamma radiation, so it seems that i shouldn't buy any more popcorn. Other than that, friday the 13th has been quite uneventful.
Today, when i went to buy this popcorn and a beer (BTW, at least nothing were wrong with the beer), i saw that even police in our little provincial town have started taking their job seriously. Today they got rid of these old, ugly looking, fish-eyed men who constantly inhabit the front of the shop. A week ago or so, at the same location, they fined one of my friends who didn't have a children's seat for his kid in the car. For some reason common view is that Estonians have grown lazy lately, started drinking more and forgot serious, needed deeds. Well, I don't know.. perhaps the second one is true, but i feel that Estonians are still such a people who all the time works and does other things with disputable value to their life, and at the same time doesn't think much. That reminds me how in one of our well known self-ironical pseudo-historic comedy movie, one of the old Estonian tribal elders, offered that as an punishment for the terrible things that German Teutonic knights did to us in war, we should do all their work so that they would all the time feel a terrible boredom and shame. Although now we don't have so many Germans here, but doing the work of others goes on, for most of these companies where Estonians are low priced workers are foreign. Also, now we kill ourselves for the purpose to consume uncontrollably.
I think this was only yesterday when I watched the briefing of the parliament, and what did i hear? Our own contemporary "tribal elder", prime minister Andrus Ansip with all the joy admitted that we have no problems and it IS our aim to work hard and consume all we can. Such attitude is turning to be the beginning of the progressive decline of economy and the whole society. First, big competition and stress that always shadows such a "slavesociety" is the very reason why people looks for the answers from the boozebottle. Secondly, consuming, what honestly offers the satisfaction mostly for only short time, is dangerous for the future of whole mankind. In one of the documentaries that i saw lately, scientists said that with such amount as humans use the ressourses to produce and consume, with the amount of pollution coming out of it, and with the size of the population, we already would need four additional Earth sized planets so that nature could regenerate itself.
And now.. i write an enlightening story that was told us in the university by one of the professors in, i think it was ethnology ore some such lecture. Story is about the collision of cultures and the deceitful myth of the capitalism to achieve a better life. Story is as follows:
An African man lies under the bananatree when suddenly a white man walks to him. Last one asks, what black fellow does there and hearing that he waits for banana to fall from the tree, he sais: "Typical African, wants to eat but don't want to work for it." He starts to teach: "Listen, you should exert yourself a little. Climb to the tree and when already there, gather all the bananas you can." African askes then, what he should do with so many bananas, he only wants to eat one. But other guy stays sure to himself and advises to sell other bananas at the market and to buy a cart with the money he earns. Now African man gets completely baffled not understanding why he should buy a cart. "Because with cart you can take much, much more bananas to the market," answers the white man, "you get more money and soon you can hire the workers to do the job, and you don't have to do anything." Black guy asks then: "What so much i do right now then?!
As a truthful hedonist I too believe that humans should enjoy as much as they can, but enjoying seems to have a different meaning for majority of people. Most people work, sweat and suffer so that they would have lots of money with what they could afford different things, parties etc. They call it enjoyment?! How many people enjoy the year of hard work that enables them to go to a vacation where they have week or so filled with frenzied activities? I guess not so many. As generally is so that more you have money, the more you always feel that you don't have enough it. Because of that these beople must always work more and more, and then they get stress, fatigue and different health problems. But still they believe it is needed sacrifice to enjoy the life.
As an hedonism I see a littlebit different behavior. Some may say that i sacrifice other things.. and yes, sometimes I do feel like I sacrifice something that I would like to have, but still. I prefer to work as little as is needed. I enjoy simple things that doesn't require much or any money. Only this is true hedonism if you can enjoy all your time. Additionally we should consider what are we doing to the world. These people who work all the time to "enjoy" what their earned mony can offer them, they don't even think that they are destroying the world. They waste precious resources with this mad overproduction and absolutely unneeded things what are made for such stupid people as they. They pollute the nature, and doom themselves into decline by becoming simpleminded, uniform creatures who only know how to live when there are numerous comforts. And we can say that even if they are not slaves for their job, they surely are slaves to the lifestyle.
In the 17th century noble people often lived over their needs. They said that this is not their problem if the world ends after them. And as it was commonly believed that the end of the world is nigh,.. yet this made them to live even richer. Four-five centuries later it seems that the same careless view of life has again infecting people. Still, almost everyone wants to have a successors/children. I don't understand why they make these babies if at the same time they are destroying living environment of future.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What was that?




Best soccer: Netherland3-0Italy

What can i say.. today Holland really showed what they are worth. Entire game was totaly under their control. Yes, well, italians tried, they gave everything, but it didn't brought any goals. hollanders just made this game as hard for Italy as they were able.. and that meant a fuckin intense job for the italians.. basicaly italians had no power to attack, cuz they were so busy with defending their own territory.
Ok.. actually i don't want to make this an another soccer themed blog. I just wanted to show my happiness for Netherland's victory.. and that is especially fantastic because often northern people are thought to be slow, cautious and modest.. so with such a great style and strength, they show that northern Europe will not fall in sleep and will not give up. I myself, represent a little different kind of personality, for estonian anyway.. well, maybe i'm not so hot tempered as southern brothers, but i still may be quite spicy. At least i feel that nordic people should be more downright and more brave. Certainly i will not like people who are like batterybunnies, but really, why should we be so gloomy.. so bloody cheerless. With joy comes energy and strength that goes for right business. With that kind of confidence we could achieve whatever. So be stronger, my nordic brothers and sisters.. Let's set some progressive purposes and not accept what others say what we can or can't do. Fight for your glory!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Poetry makes me wonder.. WTF!

Straight to hell.. heterod lähevad põrgusse - hea seegi, et vähemalt pärast surma saan aega veeta soojal maal kus kedagi miski ei huvita :p
Sometimes it seems like everything that is gone past was best. But imagine a day when that kind of changes take only minuts.. that cheese popcorn we ate was definately better than one with bacon flavour, and as you may imagine, the taste gets even worse when it cools down, and soccer game is getting and getting more boring.. not to mention that now i just got headache.. and hell, beer is out. Well.. when i feel bad or sometimes when my artistic strength is in low, i tend to write somekind of poetry. This one what i write here now is actually done in past.. but anyways, i just feel that i throw that shit out now. Ok, i don't know much about poetry.. and therefore actually saying if it's any good or most amateur thing you ever read, is up to you guys and gyals.

One man army

The world under fancy shining shell,
hits my eye, i should tell,
corruption fills the souls of shadows,
eyes are cold, when lost is battle.
Last wisemans stand
on road to hell,
catching silent whispers
of broken bell.
They wonder,
hoping to find the reason
why no-one rise against
the silent season.

Then one sais:
“Without anything i now end there,
this is my no more point,
lost cause in my head”.
A moment and he fades.
Rattle of meaningless death,
caused by the mighty despair,
eventually fills also my head.
Only one now remains,
he is alone and scared,
in emptiness, he still guards,
something, somewhere.

Ok, tomorrow i let my positivity come back again.. Tschüs

Friday, June 6, 2008

Kütus.. check! Laskemoon.. check! Lennutrajektoor.. check! (Now with English translation)

Eile oli meil siis lõputööde kaitsmine. Ma sain D - D nagu Deeply philosophical või D nagu Disturbing the traditions. Kuigi ma oleksin oodanud paremat, arvan ma, et ega vahet pole.. hindel pole vähimatki tähtsust. Pealegi ma jäin enda vastu ausaks, tegin taas minuliku töö, millel on minu jaoks palju suurem olulisus kui misiganes traditsioonilisel teadustööl. Madala hinde tõigi ebatraditsiooniline, filosoofiline arutlev stiil, mis suures osas lähtus enda arvamustest ja kogemustest. Natuke ka märgiti ära puudusi allikmaterjalides. Üldiselt tekitas akadeemikutes vastumeelsust ilmselt ka mu töö teema, mis astus üksiku sõdurina vapralt vastu miljonipealisele haridustraditsiooni vastu. Või tegelikult,.. ega ma ei olnudki niivõrd haridussüsteemi kui pigem õpetajate omavõimu ja suurte egode vastu. Ja tuleb tunnistada, et mu töö esimene eesmärk,.. tõestada ära selline suhtumine õpetajate poolt, saigi täidetud. Lõpuks oli nii, et minu lõputöö juhendaja, endine osakonna juhataja ja isegi ka mu retsensent, kes ju tegelikult just peaks otsima tööst vigasid, asusid üheskoos mind kaitsma. See aga ei mõjunud. Akadeemikud, teadlased jäid enda arvamusele kindlaks ja ei lasknud ülejäänud komisjoni arvamusel eriti hinnet mõjutada. Nagu ma juba bakalaureuse lõpus ütlesin,.. see asi, mida nimetatakse kaitsmiseks, on täielik farss. Mingit kaitsmist tegelikult ei toimu. Kui sõnakamatel komisjoniliikmetel kujuneb oma arvamus, siis ei muuda seda ka kõige põhjendatum ümberlükkav argument. Isegi mitte siis, kui see tuleb nende mõnelt tagasihoidlikumalt komisjoni kaasliikmelt. Kõige veidram on see, et keegi peale juhendaja ja retsensendi ei olnud tööd läbigi lugenud,.. kõigest põgusalt sirvinud, kuid juhendaja ja retsensendi väga positiivsele arvamusele vaatamata jäädakse kitsarinnaliselt uskuma enda põgusat muljet.
Heaküll, ma ei lase sellel tegelikult enda tuju rikkuda, sest vähemalt ka minu põhieesmärk, saada kätte magistrikraad, on jõudmas lõpuni - enam pole ühtegi takistust. Siiski näitab see selgelt, kuidas mõned ei saa aru, et muutused toimuvad, tahavad nad seda või mitte. Ning ühel hetkel leiavad nad ennast nurka surutuna. Saage aru, suur osa tsivilisatsiooni arengust saab alguse just mässulisest ideest. Kuna ka enamus varasemaid suurte muutuste algatajatest ja propageerijatest on langenud esmalt mõistmatuse ohvriks, ei pea ma ennast üldse halvasti tundma. Samas ütleb see nii mõndagi inimolemuse ja tarkuse kohta (ja ärge ajage omavahel segamini tarkust ja teadmisi). Tihti ongi nii, et need kellel on tohutus koguses teadmisi, ei suuda hoida avatud meelt mitmete uuenduste kohapealt.. nad on kindlad oma teadmiste absoluutsuses. Ka arhiivis ja raamatukogus on massiliselt asjalikke teadmisi, kuid nende kasutamine oleneb just tarkusest, avatud meelest ja arutlevast kriitilisest suhtumisest, mis ei sea esile ainult miinus külgesid vaid ka positiivse. Nagu ma oma magistritöös ka välja tõin, on kätte jõudmas uus ajastu.. uus põlvkond on juhitud tundeloogikast, mis võitleb pealiskaudsuse, impulsiivsuse ja egoistlikkuse vastu. Ka hariduses tuleb prioriteedid ja toimimisviisid üle vaadata. Muutused saavad alguse ideedest aga ei saa reaalsuseks ilma tegutsemiseta. Tegutsemine aga ajab vihale need, kes on vanas usus leidnud endale võimukoha. See on üpris ebavõrdne võitlus just uuendaja jaoks kuni ühel hetkel hakkab see, kelle jaoks uuendus on loodud (ehk siis rahvas, õpilased) nägema ka tõesti toimivat kasu neile. Seejärel on aja ja julguse küsimus, kuni idee muutumisest reaalsuseks, sest varem või hiljem võtab rahvas võitluse enda kätte.
Case closed!

Translation into English 14.05.2009
FUEL.. CHECK! AMMO.. CHECK! FLIGHT TRAJECTORY.. CHECK!
Yesterday we had the defense of a graduation thesises. I got D for it - D as Deeply philosophical or D as Disturbing the traditions. Although I hoped for better, i think that it doesn't really matter.. it's just a mark. I stayed truthful to myself, again I made the work that is very well intrinsic to me, and that has much greater importance to me than any traditional research. Basically this was the reason for low mark - untraditional, philosophical reasoning that largely was based on my own opinion and experience. They also brought forth some flaws in used materials, but actually it seemed to me that couple of academicians among the commitee were more troubled about the theme of my thesis rising bravely as a lone warrior into the fight with the million-headed educational tradition. Or really.. I wasn't so much against the educational system as against the big egos and absolute rule of teachers that repels students to the secondary, maybe even to the tertiary position. And now I can confess that first of my objectives for this thesis - to prove that such mentality, stance, attitude is very much spread among the teachers - I achieved this goal.
Finally it ended with my instructor, former principal of the art department and even the reviewer, who should have actually bring out the flaws of my work and criticize it, started defending it. Still, this didn't change the verdict of these conservative academicians who simply talked more, basically not letting anyone who thought differently get much speech.. they remained true to their first impression and didn't let even the best arguments of other members of commitee get any power over the final decision. As I already stated at the end of bachelor studies, this thing they call defending of thesis is a total farce. There's no real defending - more commonly it even makes things worse. If the members of commitee who have more voice, more power over others, have already formed somekind of impression, then there's no way to change it.. more you argue, the more they start to believe their version is better. Most bizarre was that no-one else except my instructor and reviewer had not even read it throughoutly from cover to cover.. others only loked the table of contents, the list of used literature, and had a quick glance at some pages, mainly to find out if the references are done correctly (which by the way were perfect). It looked like they didn't even consider that instructor and reviewer had more complete understanding of how good this work really was. And both of them said that after reading it well (reviewer even read it twice), they fully understood why I went for unconventional form/solution.
Oh well.. I won't let this ruin my mood, because at least my main objective, to get the master degree, is coming to realization.. there's no more obstacles. Yet, all of this shows clearly how some people doesn't understand that changes happen, do they want it or not. One moment they find themselves cornered by life. Understand this, the development of civilization mainly gets its power and course from rebellious ideas. Because earlier innovations and protagonists-supporters of these ideas have also often fallen under the criticism and bewilderment of others at first, I shouldn't have to feel bad at all. It is just the human nature. Often those who have lots of knowledge, can't hold the open mind for many innovations.. they believe into the absoluteness of their knowledge. But what good will do knowledge when it is limited by conservativeness.. then there can not be any development, or it is much slower and smaller than it could be. I guess, we all agree that development is necessary, and standing in one place, saying that this is for stability, because everything already is good and there is no need for development, shows the first signs of danger. Also in the archives and in libraries lies huge amounts of good and needed knowledge, but the use of this knowledge depends on smartness - open mind in connection with critical reasoning, that doesn't only bring out either negative or positive sides of something but both.. and of course for everything we also need a purpose.
I also wrote in my thesis that right now is the beginning of the new era.. new generation is driven by emotional logic (additionally to thinking logic) that fights against the superficiality, impulsiveness and egoism. We must set new priorities and standards for education too, and look over the operational ways. Improvement gets its start from ideas, but these doesn't realize on their own and without action. Yet, often certain actions anger those who have already found themselves a comfortable place and the position of power in the old "faith". It's quite uneven fight for the innovator until at one time those for whom the innovation is meant (people, students etc.) find out and are finally convinced how it is for their own good and gain. Then it is only the question of time and will until people takes this fight for their own soul mission.
Case closed!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Fuckin' Åruküla

Look also for the motionpicture "Fuckin' Åmal" - this movie if i remember right, is made by danish,.. who are somewhat like estonians, little too much stuck in their ordinary simple life.
Much like Åmal, fuckin' Aruküla where i live, is also a little provincial settlement where old people have forgotten the joys of life or these joys are rather superficial and make even themself sometimes question, what life THIS is. This is mostly because with their years, they have come to conclusion that there is only one way to live.. and that is by doing what society expects them to do.. having traditional family with at least two, even better with three kids, work hard, have dreams of even better house and newer car, then take bank loans for the last ones, watch TV, read newspapers and wonder why youth is so fucked up this time. Young in the contrary, wants to live their life differently than what they see as the degradation of their parents generation. They want to experience everything,.. but soon they find themselves in fight against the parents. With all that trouble and grieving what rises from this war, most now lose their positive views of life.. they start to drink, use drugs, hang around in gangs and do hooligan things. When time passes, they find out that there's only one way to live (without harming yourself and being opposed to others).. and that is by doing what society expects them to do..
I'm 26.. and i still live with my parents. I don't have permanent job and i don't have a girlfriend. My buds here at Aruküla too, drink, do drugs and just waste their time.. my buds at Tallinn are tending to be commited to relationships and work, could say that they have found, there's only one way to live.
I don't like to be only piece in the industrial or commercial capitalistic world that is already soo overcooked.. but what can i do then, world is nowdays so uniformly living this one way. I don't wanna have certain dayplan, i don't like to work so that i have to call someone boss and therfore admit my inferiority to him, i don't like to be oblidged to have bankloan for half of my life, i don't want to vote on the elections for the same fucking politicians who don't actually change anything. I don't wanna have more than one kid, cuz that would make world population even bigger, which in turn would make living conditions even more dire. Also i don't want to drink my problems away and i don't want to fight. I want to do my art, feel the freedom, enjoy the beauty of the nature and love of natural warm soul of people.
I just made a comix (when i do little digital fixes to it, i publish it here too). It is about the same situation.. how traditions of society and attitudes of majority of people, make some of us endangered species,.. force us to migrate to the edge of the world, only to wait, when does this self-eating civilization arrive there too.

Stop thinking, and end your problems
Lao Tzu (Old Master) Chinese Taoist Philosopher
c. 600 BCE

So i try just to be doing as less i can,.. fight the busy world with just letting everything go past me. I sacrifice comfort things, i sacrifice even relationships. Some have asked me, why i dont have girlfriend. That is because not many are willing to live as i. I love too, in fact i even have a secret crush,.. but i can't force anyone other into forsaking the life that's so ordinary.. everyone has to do that step by themselves. That's why i shouldn't say my love out. What is hardest, is having a life where i'm not a burden to world nor to people, life alongside the people but still differently. I don't wanna be eremite, i hope to live with others, and hopefully to teach the alternate way that comes through unconditional love, stronger symbiosis between soul and senses, having feeling of harmony and respect, simplicity and modesty in the concept of wanting to have and achieve.
Because i'm not fighting against, but rather fighting for, i don't blame anything or anyone. Never blame the blind for not seeing. We must help to see, help to change. We shouldn't even whine for what is wrong or what could have been.. we should try to find what can be done better and act do achieve it. And above all, we should hold open mind to see the different views and even our own errors.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Dog with two tails

Artist is like a soldier, because art is very speciffic kind of violence - forcing your taste on others.

What is good art? Is there such thing at all? One of my teachers said, that maybe there is such absolutes like: what is best, what is prettiest, which gyal is hottest and so on.. but then no-one knows who is right and still anyone acts on their own concience.. at least they should. I guess, this teacher thought that when there is possibility that universe was created on some certain values. And we also have traditions and ethics, although these are already different by cultures. How are related art and ethics, that is my main question. I have many times said, that artist is allowed to do anything. Certainly i don't mean that one should step over the law for the name of art, but sometimes when you want be progressive artist, you may need to do unethical things. Sometimes that is not so big deal, but who determines where goes that thin line between almost criminal or obscene acts and tasty artistic experimenting. And how does that affect artistic value.

Ok. Lets leave hypothetical bullshit and ask something simple and concrete. Like: is taking photos of some other people without asking their permission ethical, is it even legal. Or is photoshoping these pictures ethical. When you modify a photo, you lie, you practically do the same for what yellow magazines have such a bad reputation - show the reality like you wan't for your own good. But i guess that none of the artists want that their reputation gets hit same way. Does that reduce the value of photo, when one fixes the defects and flaws digitally. It's kind of two tailed thing. First, it may show the unprofessionality, yet isn't art at larger scale doing something that really doesn't exist. At least i see it so,.. most art that just tries to be as much close to reality, seems bit boring and empty. Even photography.. great documentary photos that represent something from real world have too these hidden ideas and messages what make it more than just a simple representation.

Here ya, that is one of the pics of me, taken this year may in Finland, Hesinki by Eva Luure..

I have made some little digital work with it. It's not something radical but still i made that photo bit better basically with means that can be said cheating. But it's all for good of the outcome. Imagine if all paintings would be absolutely realistic, all photos leaved as they are.. even music would be uncleaned of noise and flaws.. probably not many people would find that kind of art pleasant. Sure, there is that kind of trashy art too, but that is meant to show you how unpleasant things can be.

Well, now you can just forget all i have said and write your own thoughts about matter.

Monday, June 2, 2008

My version of how i came to this planet


Through the infinite space flew a little rocket with little weird being in it. He was sent to planet Earth to study local cultures and teach earthlings back some important things about their possible future. Having really carefully chosen his landing site, he started the descent, but was suddenly intercepted by air vehicles of one of the planets leading countries. So great was their fear of unknown that they shot the little rocket down. Luckily, shots had damaged only guiding thrusters and the weird little being finaly made an succesful emergency landing. He found himself to be in a little country called by its inhabitants to be Eesti (Estonia). Had he only knew how cold and dark it gets there in wintertimes. Anyway, There was this local female highly interested of what this stranger is doing there. Hey, waved weird little being, and decided to propose peace and an alliance, and ask if this female would take him to the most important person of the planet. But there was some misunderstandings in translations when weird little being learned the Earth's languages at home. Instead of proposing what he intended, he asked if that female human would accept him as a son and take him to her home. At first weird little being didn't understand that he had made a mistake and instead of leading him to any governing person, was taken to the ordinary box in where the humans normally live. Then he thought that the female was trusted with the important job of offering alien ambassador his quick temporary housing. But days became months, and months became years, without any word from any higher rank mammal. And then he realised.. ahh, what a bummer!



Yes, I man rises

We've arrived, and to prove it we're here. -Japanese proverb-
Ok.. how long i hold my blog empty, already 9 visitors have viewed my really boring blog. Now i have also done everything for graduation and i have some time before starting next planned thing - a painting work for one kindergarden.
Anyways, my profile has some info about me, and i don't write a long introduction or history here, atleast not in english. Probably some things about me will be revealed with future posts. What is important to know about me.. as i already wrote in profile, i'm an artist.. i really can't live without art, nor without music. Now within few weeks i also get grade from university that allows me to teach art in school. Yet, i don't know what to do next year, because it seems that not many art teacher's positions are available now. Maybe i get a halftime job in one of my favourite schools, but this means, that i have to do something else too. Even this job will be only for half the year. I have thought that i'll use the free time to do some art and perhaps an exhibition and use spring for traveling, but for that i really need more monetary ressources than halftime job can offer. Within next year i also would like to move out from my parents appartement. Mum too really waits that and she is right,.. how long can i live with them.. someday i should start my own life.. with my own responsibilities, obligations and.. yeah, with my own rules and freedoms too.
Well, where was i.. oh yeah, i meant to tell that what ever i say about myself, you never can fully understand me. One of my friends said, that after two years finaly she can understand me, but i would say that then you rather have few ideas why i am who i am. But to know me, that is impossible.. even i doesn't know myself. And in some ways it's bad, but people who can respect true freedom and differences, they should like me. Yeah,.. actually what makes understanding me so hard for others, is my philosophical side, cause i often speak in allegories and with deeper ideas behind words than most can see.. but then again, i am very straight forward person.. i always say what i think.
Well.. i guess that's all for now.
Oh yeah,.. i like when people write to me too. In the future i plan to write some things, where i'd like to get some oppinions back from you and offcourse you can leave me comments and simple chit-chat in shoutbox.