F L O W

Last night I came to conclusion why my jobinterviews may be so unsuccessful. My own personality is my enemy here. My friends know that I'm such person whose emotions are not overflowing at first sight (well, some extreme situations not counted). I actually feel really strong emotions and generally I'm very positive, energetic and open type, but on some half hour to hour time it just may not be seen. A person who gets to know me better just at some point sees what material I'm made of. With certain people it may take really long time.

So, it may seem to interviewer that I'm not very enthusiastic, but here he/she is wrong. Like with happiness, sadness, anger, love, disappointment, etc, my body and face may not give it out so clearly (especially in such strict conditions like an interview), but actually I absolutely radiate it. My feelings are just so strong or clear and concentrated that people aren't used to see it so. It is like searching for a star and not seeing it because you are blinded from looking straight into the sun.

In normal circumstances people probably would think that I'm an introvert, but I think that it is wrong image about me. For example I'm very social, and although I hold many things to know only for myself. And in some sense I may be not very talkative, but these things are simply so because I just don't feel the reason to speak all the time, to be some smiling energyball or raging evil when I'm angry. My outside is mostly quite tranquil but inside is having strong feelings that flow outside as aura of energy. In that sence I'm similar to these buddhist monks who always have a slight smile but it is hard to understand if they feel anything. But they do - they are in harmony with world.. they feel sad, when something bad happens, and they feel happiness and gratefulness for living, etc. People are right when they think that I'm absolutely different, that I can not be classified as any kind - introvert, extravert, stoic, lively, secretive, open, etc.. I'm like all of that in one personality.

Therefore, I don't know what to do to be more readable in some certain situations where needed. How should I practice it. I think, last time when I met Gerli, I think even she was bit disapointed. Although I wasn't completely stoic, in contrary I was lively and happy and it was easily seen, but for her it still may have seemed like I wasn't glad to see her (well, I don't know it, but it seemed to me so). With my friends it IS hardest to socialize with her, as she haven't still got to understand me at all, and I don't understand her completely either. Oh well,.. not everyone will see the hidden world and it is quite impossible to help them. Oh I hope that humanrace shall develop somekind telepathical abilities in the future, because words are so limited.