Red, red wine and no woman, no cry

I haven't yet posted anything in may. It is mostly because I have started feeling that it is weird to write about things that are many months old and also felt wrong to write something new having blank for some past months. Still, today I felt the need to write about current situation. I can even forget about some things in my notebook written about me and Kate. This thing is now quite surely ended. I have worst days here. I cried today in the morning as I really fell in love with her more than to anyone ever before. In Estonia I thought that I was in love, but now I see, that it wasn't anything compared to this. For many years I saw this girl every day, I was so close to her, and yet I didn't do anything. I never told her about my feelings. And now I didn't care even about the facts that me and Kate are from countries so far from eachother. I didn't care that coming back to Kenya and living here would be very hard for me (and I still want to come back here and build a house for myself). All the time there is thought that I just can't be without her. I went crazy from love but something was still greater than love. I even don't know what, as Kate won't talk. I just know that she was limited by something.. she was afraid. I still believe that she really felt something for me too, but something came between us. It is really hard to accept that I have lost her. So now I'm drinking red wine and trying to avoid sadness. I don't know what to do now. I need another girl, but I'm afraid that then I always think that she is just a substitute to Catherine and I would feel bad. All the time I hope that she would come back.

It is quite ironical actually that when I left Estonia I had a mission in my mind to seduce an African girl and then later leave her but now everything is other way around. I had no idea that I even could fell in love so deeply. I thought that my mind is too realistic for that and my heart too cold, but now I'm like crazy. I just couldn't accept that everything is over. There is only hole in my soul. And in the future I will sometimes remember and feel the sadness for what could have been. I really don't understand why everything went that way. I wanna know the reasons. And for remaining two months I probably stay hoping for something and therefore feel the grief.