About love, sex and feelings

Who says that lust is just physical is greatly mistaken. Think where lust comes! Answer to that is, that it comes from your head - from signals that hormones give to your brain, to be exact. So, lust not only isn't opposite of feelings, it is one of the feelings.  Every sex has, or in my opinion, should have lust in it. Casual one night stand has both emotional and physical attraction too. At least for me it has been so every time. Not to mention crushes, that i have felt like most of the time. When you have a crush, it doesn't mean yet that you love that person. Crush is very superficial. You can have a crush when you don't know the person, but can love only person that you know quite deeply already. But still, you feel lust when you have a crush. And same way you feel lust when you fall in love. To be honest, i think without lust, love starts to fade very quickly. And without feelings any sex would feel empty and boring. Even when i have a one night stand with a person with whom i don't want to have anything longer lasting, i still want it to happen because i feel some closeness and even feel some fancy. Already when main impulse to start flirting and trying to get other one to bed, is their fine outlook, it actually means your emotions lead you to actions. It means you like him or her. Its not like you would just want to get it over with because you had some physical itch or need. If there is such guys or girls, then yeah, you shouldn't give in for them, but otherwise i think that casual sex without any anticipation to go into steady right away, is totally fine and acceptable modern day social behavior for both men and women. Sexual experimentation is fun and in my opinion direly needed thing before settling down with someone, or actually also after that. And everyone quite so often need some closeness and feelings to their life. Honestly i don't know any other thing that allows people so much feelings as sex, even if it is just one nighter or only quicky. If you are not total jerk you will care of your sex partner from the start. It is not just you in that bed.. or wherever you do it. It is so true that ego should be left out from even the most random sex. Otherwise it can become quite a bad experience for any participant. Anyway, sometimes that care you felt, remains even if your paths will be separate (you can become friends for example), sometimes not, but it is a fact that you had emotionally heightened state while you had sex. And sometimes it can lead to steady relationship and to love, but at first you shouldn't think ahead of yourself. First try out how other person feels and just have fun, and let things go their own way, because if you think that you hold yourself for the one and only true love and finally think you have found it, you may be surprised how much tension it could bring. Not only will you be total noob, your actions may leave your loved one to feel like you are not on the same page or she/he can even feel harassed if you suddenly start to talk of love from the day one. Love doesn't happen in a moment. Sometimes love grows very slowly and sneak into your heart even if you don't acknowledge it at first. The way to love can go over rocks and through all kind of hardships before it can finally become the life of two people (or well, why not three or four.. i'm not condemning anyone's philosophy, culture or religion in that matter). So yeah, people, be free and don't be afraid of emotions. Aren't that the kind of contemporary day or future we have fought for. Hereby i thank with a deep bow all the hippies for sexual and intellectual revolution.

Ei sihtasutuse Perekonna ja Traditsiooni Kaitseks petitsioonile

Sorry to those who have used to read my blog in English.. at least right now I wrote this entry only in Estonian, but as it is quite an universal problem I´m talking about here, I may translate it sometime. So check back at it sometime in a future.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” - Coco Chanel

Meile tuli paar päeva tagasi postkasti petitsioon sihtasutuselt Perekonna ja Traditsiooni kaitseks, mis põhimõtteliselt oli selgelt kirjutatud, et vähe mõtlevates inimestes paanikat tekitada. Selle kirjutajad üritasid tekitada tunnet justkui oleks heteroseksuaalsus, traditsionaalne perekond ja minu eriliseks üllatuseks ka isegi sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadus Eestis ohus. Kas teie olete selle juba saanud?

Kõigepealt tahan ma oma arvamuse lugejale selgeks teha, et ma olen täiesti veendunud heteroseksuaalne noormees, kellel isegi teatav homofoobia. Seega ei ole mul mingit eesmärki homo propagandat teha. Kuid ma olen salliv ja mõtleva, haritud inimesena sellise fanaatiliselt konservatiivse rühmituse paanika külvamise vastane, rääkimata sellest, et faktid mis petitsioonis olid esitatud ei olnud tõesed. Ise oleksin arvanud, et nende jutt on kõigile läbi nähtav, kuid nähes oma ema reaktsiooni sellele kirjale, sain aru, et paljud inimesed tõepoolest esimese hetkega tundes, et nad on homoseksuaalsuse levimisest häiritud, ei panegi tähele selle sihtasutuse ekstreemsust, millest see petitsioon tulvil oli. See pani mu kirjutama, lootuses, et ehk taoliseid asju lugedes teinekord mõeldakse ja uuritakse enne oma allkirja andmist.

Kõigepealt mainiks ära, et selle kirja ainus tõene fakt oli see, et tõepoolest on Justiitsministeeriumis ettevalmistamisel kooseluseaduse eelnõu. Siiski, esiteks eelnõu ei tähenda veel, et see seadus ka kindlasti vastu võetaks ja teiseks, isegi kuna ilmselt siiski võetakse, ei muudaks see eriti midagi muud kui vaid tõestaks, et meie põhiseadus, milles tunnistatakse iga inimese usulist, poliitilist ja seksuaalset eneseteostamise vabadust, on siiki kehtiv. Realistliku inimesena mõistan ma, et heteroseksuaalsus ei oleks sellest kuidagi ohustatud. Ohustatud on aga marukonservatiivsed maailmavaated. Nimetatud sihtasutus on aga selgelt just marukonservatiivne, mida võib võrrelda ka marurahvuslaste olemusega. Mõlemad on leidnud endale vastase, kes tegelikult ei häiri ega ohusta ju kedagi. Nii homo- kui ka ksenofoobid on häiritud vaid mõttest, et keegi, kes pole nagu nemad võiks saada nendega samad õigused. Minu arvates, andes oma allkirja sellele petitsioonile, ohustame me oma vabadusi palju enam. Sihtasutus Perekonna ja Traditsiooni Kaitseks näitab ju vabaduste arengut halvas valguses. Nad tahaksid õigusi vaid valitud seltskonnale ja hoida traditsioone, mis tõepoolest ammu ajast ja arust. Väites, et homoseksuaalidele vabaduste andmine vallandaks ahelreaktsiooni, õigustab see olukorda kus teatud rahva hulk ühiskonnast oleks selgelt alla surutud. Nende võitlus homoseksuaalsete õiguste vastu meenutab mulle seda, kuidas valged orjapidajad võitlesid ülejäänud rassidele inimõiguste laienemise vastu. Tänapäeval on rassism taunitud ja enamik inimesi võtab iseenesest mõistetavana, et ka mustanahaline võib käia valgetega samades asutustes ja end seal hästi tunda, võrdselt valgetega ametikohtadele kandideerida, kaevata kohtusse enda ründajaid, valida presidenti või isegi ise riigijuhiks tõusta. Miskipärast on senini aga hulk inimesi, kes tahaksid sarnaste piirangute rakendamise õigust homoseksuaalidele, just nagu ei oleks nemadki

Inimesed. Minul tekibki pigem küsimus, et millise tagurliku ahelreaktsiooni põhjustaks mõne ultrakonservatiivse organisatsiooni laialdane toetamine. Kas järgmiseks võtamegi taas õigused ka mustanahalistelt, moslemitelt ja teistelt vähemustelt? Kas unustame püüdlused soolisele võrdõiguslikkuse saavutamiseks ja muudame naised kodukanadeks, kes ei tohi midagi öelda ega midagi õppida vaid on sunnitud vaid kuuletuma mehele? Võibolla hakkame siis ka sunniviisiliselt levitama ristiusku, kuna see ju ülistab heteroseksuaalset suhet, traditsioonilist peret ja moraalsust üldiselt? Räägime siis veel sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadusest ning õigusriigist! Teate, vabandage väga, aga minu hääl läheb siis ikkagi vabaduste arengule – ka isegi siis kui see tähendab, et ma pean tänaval nägema suudlevaid homopaare. Minupärast seadustage homode abielud ja andke neile kasvõi õigus lapsendada. Ma ei näeks selles midagi halba. Kuigi ma olen hetero ja uhke selle üle, ei saagi ma aru, kuidas on ikka veel võimalik olukord, kus maailmas on veel inimesi, kes on seaduse silmis “võrdsemad” või “õigemad” vaid seepärast, et nad on enamik. Ma ei taha olla kahekümne esimese sajandi orjapidaja.

Petitsioonis kirjutati, et ilmselt peatselt hakataks ka homopropagandasse kriitiliselt suhtuvate inimeste sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadust piirama. Esiteks ei saa mina aru, mis homopropagandast jutt käib. Ma pole kunagi ühtegi homopropagandistlikku asja või aktsiooni näinud. Jah, mina ei trügi homoparaadi juurde, et agressiivselt oma foobset vaadet näidata. Igaljuhul sellise kartuse illustreerimiseks kasutatakse teist seaduseelnõud – vihkamise õhutamise kriminaliseerimist, mida nemad nimetavad (tsiteerin) homoaktivistide eestveetavaks asjaajamiseks. Vihkamise õhutamise kriminaliseerimine ei ole aga ju sõnavabaduse ära võtmine. Igal ühel jääb kuni Eesti Vabariik kehtib, õigus oma arvamust avaldada nii kaua kuni see ei kutsu kedagi üles vihategudele, mis kedagi võiks kahjustada. Sellest lähtuvalt tekib tunne, et nimetatud sihtasutuse liikmed peavad lausa oma õiguseks teise kodaniku või rahav grupi vastast viha õhutada. Muidu nad ju sellist seadust probleemseks ei peaks. Ei tasu minna homoparaadidele õelutsema ja rusikaid näitama. Üldsegi, ei ole ju konstruktiivne ka kuskil internetis kedagi sõimata vaid seepärast, et ta ei ole normaalne (minagi kasutan seda sõnagi siin vaid mõistes valdav/tavapärane). Oma arvamust saab ikka avaldada. Ma kusjuures olen kindel, et usklik rahvas laidab homode teguviisi avalikult, alati ja igavesti. Nad lihtsalt ei õhuta viha ja seega ei satu seadusega ka pahuksisse. Samuti ei saa lahti lasta ühtegi õpetajat, kasvatajat, kohtunikku, arsti või muud ametnikku vaid seepärast, et nad homoseksuaalset käitumist heaks ei kiida. Vallandada võiks aga arsti, kes ei teeninda homoseksuaali või kohtuniku/politseiniku, kelle tegevus on selgelt homo vastane, nende otsused just seksuaalsest sättumusest kõigutatud. Aga just nii see ju peakski olema, sest õigust arstiabi, haridust, õigusabi ja muid teenuseid saada on kõigil inimestel.

Kõige rohkem häiris mind kui õpetaja haridusega inimest selles petitsioonis aga vale, nagu oleks tulevikus arstidel ja õpetajatel kohustus homoseksuaalsest eluviisist rääkida kui igati tervest ja moraalsest eneseteostamise võimalusest. Nii see lihtsalt pole. Iga arst teab, et homoseksuaalsetel on suurem risk nakatuda suguhaigustesse. Ja iga inimene võib ka tulevikus oma moraalikoodeksi järgi õelda, et homoseksuaalsus ei ole moraalne. Rõhutan veel kord, usklikud nii kui nii ei hakka seda moraalselt kõlblikuks pidama ja igal õpetajal ja arstil on õigus olla mis iganes usku nad ka ei tahaks. Koolides kohe kindlasti ei hakata tegema mingit homo propagandat. Võibolla hakatakse rääkima sallivusest erinevate inimeste suhtes. Pigem räägivad õpetajad inimeseõpetuse ja ühiskonnaõpetuse tundides (ja ka arstid muidugi) ikka homoseksualismiga seonduvatest ühiskondlikest ja tervislikest ohtudest. Petitsioonis nimetatud sooneutraalne kasvatus on aga juba praegult kõigi edumeelsete õpetajate toetuse saanud, ega ole kuidagi moodi homoseksualismi propageeriv nähtus. Eeldatavalt peaks sooneutraalne kasvatus suurendama soolist võrdõiguslikkust ning taaskord sallivuse suurendamiseks. Kogu maailm ei ole ega peagi olema täis vaid macho mehi ja õrnakesi naiselikke preilnaid. On ka igasuguseid vahepealseid. Sooneutraalne kasvatus lihtsalt aktsepteerib iga ühte isiksusena ilma nende kohta soost lähtuvaid eelarvamusi võtmata. Kogu ühiskond võiks olla rohkem sooneutraalsem. Mina tõesti arvan, et soorollid on iganenud asjad. Mees kes on õrna hingega ja õpetab lastele kunsti, ei peaks olema tabu. Samamoodi ei tohiks kiusamise ohvriks langeda poisike koolis, kes hakkab käima tantsutundides vmt. See on sooneutraalsus.

ACTA against the better judgement

I didn't go to protest action, but I came to the idea that I will write today to my blog and make my fight like that. Even though I'm small time artist and haven't really earned much anything with my art, I have my art up in internet on many sites, and therefore it is vulnerable for theft... but I don't care, I'm still against such laws as ACTA. What ACTA really is? It is yet another control mechanism and a censorship. Ask yourself for whom it should be. Answer is that such thing should protect the interests of authors. Yet you can see that many authors themselves are against that law. It is not for us. To whom it really is, is politicians and especially companies. Authors lose only some money because of piracy, yet the same piracy greatly expands the opportunities for most of the authors to be known in the first place. As long as piracy of creative property has existed, it really has only been useful for artists. Piracy has broadened the field of art and only created more artists. Some copying artists have even made the original artist more famous and selling than he/she ever was before. I would let anyone steal my art from internet rather than have ACTA like laws. The ones who earn from it are companies and maybe few very mainstream artists. And ACTA also creates legal right for more control for those who already have too much control over others. We need freedom. greatest need for artist is a freedom. Therefore you can easily say that such laws are just making world more uniform or limited. Is money really what artist wants. NO! I have only small money now, but what really is my greatest wish all the time, is the opportunity to share my creation and mainly to get something for it in the same form - art against art. Sure, I would want money too, but I have accepted that for getting real money I should do some different kind of work. Right now we still have possibility to get music and movies created by small artists and producers from other sides of the world. I don't mean USA but much more remote places where really cool things are done. How can you get such things when laws close down all unconventional and "illegal" sources. I wouldn't even know half of the artists I know now, if internet would be more controlled.

In Sweden internet piracy was registered as a belief, and I really see why. Some people really believe that nowdays it is only possible solution to have a world where money and power aren't most important, and the lifestyle that saves us from damned global homogenizing of culture and art going under big business. I think all people say that without music and art life would be depressing, but hell, I would be depressed if only music I could reach and/or afford, would be some mainstream pop-things. Already in 80-s and 90-s it was said that tape recording music from radio will be the death blow to music. What actually happened was, that the greater market, greater choice of different creation and soon also easier ways to get anything came to be. MBasically more culture and cheaper culture. You want to know the truth - without pirated or otherways not quite legal music, we would lose very many of good parties. And artists would lose lots of inspirational material to make some of their own good creative material. Probably entire next generation would be much less creative. And still today they say the same. Piracy kills creativity. No, piracy is bad only to big producers and big names. What kills creativity is exactly the opposite of piracy - making laws that allow only big companies and selected few artists to flourish. You know what would be good solution against piracy and intellectual theft? Lots of small producers who take small artists to produce their music, films, games, books, etc; lots of small shops that take things to sell from all kinds of artists and producers with smaller quantities and smaller prices. Maybe profits would be little bit smaller, but actually I believe that twice smaller prices would bring much more clients. And make really all kinds of different things from different parts of the world available in internet shops to be downloaded. But it is pretty impossible - which salesman cares to search for some artists in African slums or Mesoamerican small town. And therefore I believe that nothing replaces piracy as a mode to share from person to person, so that wherever you are in a world, you may get some movie made in Lebanon or Nigerian dancemusic or traditional music from South-China, or painting from some artist of some small town in Brazil. This is simply what people need. So what if 100 people seeing my art in internet just copy it to their hardrive, but when my art travels enough that way, then probably 101st person asks me if he/she can really buy some original work.

And ACTA isn't only just against piracy. It is good ground for all kinds of limits. It is good ground for censorship and internet espionage. Basically when right now I can quote anyone in my blog, then ACTA creates possibility that such use of someone else's text is theft without permission. I understand, for politicians it is good way to control free journalism. Or another possible problem for anyone having their own independent internet site - if right now I don't have to care where some link that has been added to my blog either by myself or someone else, may lead, then after some such harsh laws, I may be criminal if anything from my site leads to illegal internet pages. And actually I can't even do much if someone would put a link to my chatbox. Only way to remove someone else's post from there, would be to delete all entries or even remove the chatbox. I would rather live in "communist" China. And really, as I have already wrote in my earlier blog entries, one reason why I want to leave Europe and go back to Kenya, is our lack of freedom. It is such a lie that we live in most democratic and free areas in the world.

The irresistable force meets unmovable object

Right now I don’t continue with my European travel entries. I owe You my story about girls, about love and passion, fails and harsh things that people do, etc. Basically it is a backlash to my stay in Kenya and some things that happened after return to Estonia, but still were so much about Kenya.
As I have also wrote here, I went to Kenya with the idea in my mind that I must take every opportunity and adventure that Kenya has to offer (well... my kind of adventure means no safari animal viewing, but some other things). Kind of as a part of that I planned to try out an African girl. Pretty much as soon as I got to Eldoret, I fell in love. Well, I actually didn’t plan to fall in love. My idea was just to try out a beautiful local girl, but you know how are feelings – they just happen. At first I didn’t even admit that I was so far with my feelings. I even didn't know whom I really like... Kate or Sarah or... basically I even had feelings for one girl in Estonia, and before leaving, I kind of promised myself that when I come back I will finally say my feelings out. But over time I understood, that it is as clear as a fact, that I was now suddenly deeply in love with Catherine (Kate), my first girl in Kenya. I just knew that I must break the promise I made to myself in Estonia about this other girl. I started thinking, what now? At that point I already knew that I like Kenya, and I don’t even care about any downsides of this country and society. I didn't care that I will surely miss some things from my home. I started thinking out a plan how to stay or come back to Kenya. For the irony of fate, at the same time Kate started to cool down in relations towards me. These were extremely weird times. I didn’t understand at all what was going on. Kate had lots of secrets. In times she said that she likes me, sometimes even showing it out. At some other times (increasingly often) she simply started avoiding me and behaving weirdly towards me... kind of like someone would have turned her against her own wish away from me. For a long, I tried to find out the problem and fix it, but finally Kate saw that only way was to break up. I was devastated. Then I really started searching other girl just for getting over Kate.

I met Kwamboka in a danceclub and in many ways my story with her was much simpler. We got together, had fun, had sex, and I got closer to real local life than with anyone else. at least in the beginning it was without any complications for me. But I weren't completely happy. First of all, I must say that she didn’t deserve what I did for her, as at first she got to be my rebound girl (she also finally got to know about it), meaning she had surely more serious feelings than I (Although from time to time I have thought that I actually felt more than I let myself to believe... I was still hurt by last loss), and secondly I left her because of another girl, another Kenyan girl, saying everything honestly out to her. This all was so cruel to her, and I appologise for her, but again, I couldn’t have done it differently (I couldn’t had resisted her and I couldn’t have lied to her in the end... and same way as I couldn't had resisted her, I couldn't have resisted this another girl). And still, when perhaps in the beginning she really was just to relieve my pain from last ditching, then after some time I really started feeling differently about her. Even if not love yet, I started liking her and us together, as there was a passion that pretty much was missing from my story with Kate (at least in a way I would have liked it). Yes, there were also some things that I didn’t like about Kwamboka, things that made me unsure, and I guess, these things got fateful in the end, as the girl to whom I really fell again was exactly what I didn’t find in Kwamboka. Or at least so I like to think. But as I said, things were complicated in a different way. For example, our relationship got physical very quickly, but we were already separated by some land in Kenya, as she didn’t live in the same town as I, so basically maybe when we met it was too intensive in some ways. Then again, I still liked what I had with her, and I really started liking her. I liked to go to party with her, I liked when we were camping with her friends, in general I liked her friends and that she included me in things she did with her friends. I adored her beautiful body and how normal she was in the sense what a European man expects from modern girl, I liked to have wild sex with her and I also liked to have just soft caressing moments. Basically first time in my life I felt that I have really good, normal, working relationship with someone. She is even such a girl with whom I can imagine myself living together. But it seems it wasn’t enough. For really pointless small things I felt that she isn’t yet the right one. Things like this same partygoing nature of hers that I also liked. I asked myself why I don’t like when girls in Estonia are going clubs... and finally I felt that I like when girl is joyful, adventurous and likes to have fun, so I wouldn’t be always bored with her at home, but I also wish my girl to take life more seriously than she seemed to. But this was wrong answer. I even can't say what is the difference, but when at first she seemed maybe even too much European like girl, then now I would say that I simply knew her too little time, and actually never saw her so said everyday side. Another thing,... I also just happen to like very dark beauties, and as she was quite light, the dark skin of my third girl just drew me as did her simple warmheartedness. Not that I would say that Kwamboka was not to my liking and cold. No, in contrary... I already said that she was beautiful and nice, but just at one moment I was attracted by another girl more. What can I do?

I never even kissed my third darling (well, only to cheek), because I was in that sense true to some ethics. I wanted to say to Kwamboka first, that it doesn’t work between us, and yet I couldn’t do that before leaving (I was too much of a coward or maybe unsure of myself). It was two days before leaving Kenya, when I understood that my feelings towards that third girl are too strong for not to even say it out. I didn’t say it to her then, but only some time after my return to Estonia, but I think we already understood about eachothers feelings for some time, as we just were together as friends quite a lot in the end... and there were signs. Yeah, I think I weren't sure of many things. Also with Kwamboka I finally broke up when I was already in Estonia... when I came to understand that my heart feels too strong feelings for third girl. But just a little bit later I said to my best friend that I actually have come to love both of these girls, and although in Kenya polygamy is legal, I'm sure, neither of these girls would accept me being with both of them. Actually I think I’m more of a traditionalist (one woman man) myself too... only my feelings are split to two and making it even more difficult for me. How can you choose a love. But I had to choose, and I did. Actually Kwamboka made it easier for me, saying that she removes herself from that triangle. Yet, I know, that feelings of both of us still remain. And, I am sure that I would have made that same choice also myself... I would do that choice if I would get another chance. My love for my last sweetheart was just so great. And that said, it is even sader now.

Anyway, let it be said out now (now when this thing seems to be over), that third girl was Betty, who was a good friend for quite a many from our group there. This was really crazy thing. Those few of my friends whom I still haven’t told about it, would be now pretty shocked (so if any of you read it, then sorry for everything... not telling you and I don’t know what else), as she was engaged to be married. But there was irresistable attraction between us... from both sides. It was already quite the end of our stay there... maybe two weeks before we had to go, or three... anyway, most of our group went to coast for second time, to say goodby to divine Kenyan beaches and good life. Helen who stayed home with me, wasn’t actually home much, but with his Kenyan boyfriend (if I can say so). So I felt lonely and was looking for some company. There wasn’t much choice for me – one friend I had in Eldoret was Betty. So I called her, that perhaps we could meet and do something. Basically it seemed that it took no time at all from her to come up with a plan. She said that lets meet in town, and then she wants to take me somewhere. We had already been in her home with most of our group and she took us also to one nice place with a waterfall, but nothing is more special than her plan then. She took me to her country home, where was her own farm, farm of her grandma and also farm of one other related family. I even didn’t know that we go so far away, meaning we stay over night. Total surprise and such an honour for me. These days I felt like among my own family, and in these days I got a crush for her. As I said, I held it secret until I had left and weren't even sure if I ever should say it out, although I had already seen signs from Betty that maybe she also feels same towards me. Actually on second day at countryside there, she even proposed that we can stay another day at her farm. First night she was at her grandparents place and I at this farm of other relatives. So, you surely see what this means. But how ever tempting this offer was, I had mixed feelings. Well, because in this morning she also said to me that she is not sure anymore about the marriage plans, and because at other waterfalls we visited this day we clearly flirted, so I already was pretty sure that the reason of doubting about marriage plans may be me, but still, I weren’t sure yet if I could take that blame on me, and also thing with Kwamboka. Or maybe I even would have, but additionally, I didn’t had toothbrush and condoms with me (as I already said, I had no clue where are we going or what could happen).

But more I thought about it the more I fell in love with her. For long I wondered what to do and at last, when I was already home and had been away from both girls for some time, came to conclusion that if she anyway has doubts about marriage, if she had got a crush to someone else, then she shouldn’t marry, no matter if it is because of me or not. I also found that I need to know what she feels about me and I need at least to say my feelings out to her... maybe I have just imagined these signs I saw, maybe it was something else and we wouldn't anyway have a chance together. Well, I talked with her and she affirmed what I believed. She said that she had got a crush on me even earlier than I did, and saying that she doesn’t know what to do now. She waited answer from me. What other answer I could have given. Now I didn’t care at all about this other poor man of hers. I said, that if you doubt, you are not probably ready for marriage, but the final decision is only yours and that should come from heart. And against all odds, she chose to hope to get together with me again.

I would say that I have never had better girl, but how much I actually know about her. I know that I like what her mind was, a little bit about her personality. Her honesty and simple nature, and that flirtyness I saw, but I absolutely discarded everything else... things that I can’t find out just with little time together in Kenya when we even weren't yet together as a couple, or later through phonecalls and e-mails over quite long time. I just hoped all best. In that sense Kwamboka would have been absolutely more of a sure deal. But again I must say that sometimes it is hard to fight with your heart... you don’t listen your mind. Actually realistic thinking would have said to me that it is pretty hard chance to get back to Africa anyway. And still, I hope to get back there, now only it seems that I don’t have any of these girls. Although yes, like I wrote in my travel stories during Eurotrip, also Kate started calling me again. She even asked when I’m coming back, showing clearly that she would want to restore our thing, but this time it was me who started avoiding her, and now she ceased her tries. I just wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore. Even if she would tell me all the truth, why she left me in first place, I wouldn't be able to trust that she actually loves me. And moreover, she showed that she can close into herself and hold so many secrets from me, that I think I would never be able to have a normal life with her, where she would trust me in almost anything. No, with this girl I better stay at the safe side now.

Yeah, for a year and a half we hoped for our thing with Betty, but now suddenly and again painfully for me it is over. Actually this time it is painful for both of us, as reason for the end of it, is just unfair and cruel. Almost entire december I have tried to call Betty, but calls were always canceled. I started thinking that maybe she fell for someone else. Africa just is full of feelings and it is hard to control it. And Africans generally are impulsive. But it wasn’t so. I sent a message that at least I want to know the reason and that I keep calling until she is tired of cancelling the calls. I thought that maybe just like Kate she fears to say out what is on her mind. So today, after almost week of trying to call her and many messages, she answered with a message from someone else's phone, and it was even more painful for me than I had believed possible to be. It seems that finally her dad got to know the reason why she cancelled the wedding. Her dad got angry and said that he doesn’t approve me. He took Betty’s phone away, probably hoping that I just give up if I don’t get her to phone for long enough time. For Betty, family is important, that I know, but still I don’t understand how Betty’s feelengs aren’t equally important for them. Anyway, Betty said that she is sorry and this probably is the end of it.

Oh damn... so far, even foresensing something bad, I didn’t shed a tear, but today it hit me hard. How can it be that someone’s family has right of say over feelings of their daughter, knowing it will break the hearts of both her and her loved one. And damn again... when some of Kwamboka’s friends and also her mother showed same reaction towards me, then she chose me over them. She left home, and at least then she left also these few friends who didn't understand her feelings. Well, I don’t blame Betty for not doing same, but it is still hard to believe that she would give up so easily. Now I just think all the time what to do. Should I show more consistency, adressing some messages also to her father. I don’t believe it can work. If I would have my own appartment, I would make Betty a proposal that I would buy her a plain ticket to Estonia. I hope she shows out her loss as hardly as I do, so that finally her dad would see that our love is honest and not some simple affection that goes over, that we are fighting for it, and that he is just hurting her... and me (about that he of course wouldn't care, as I offended him by first destroying wedding plans he had made, and then by keeping this all secret from him). Again I’m so struck by that, that I just can’t accept the loss of her. I really love her too much... and I believe she loves me as much. But traditions in Kenya are strong and such man as him, have lots of pride. If I only would still be in Kenya.

So this is the whole truth about me and my girls in Kenya. I dedicate that to Festus, who writes often about men and women and their relations and how it should be. So basically this is in what sense I would argue against him. He said that women should be careful of men who don’t take them seriously, women should be careful selecting good independent men, and he really categorizes men. I would say that our hearts do things that are almost out of our control, and I would say that neither men nor women should be ashamed of that or condemn such occurences. I have always believed that people should take their life more freely. We should have also simple sex, we should have failures from what we learn, and we must have great passionate love that would fight with hardest reality. Even holy man Dalai Lama says that love and cooking should be approached with foolhardy devotion. That is what I did in all of these three cases, and I don’t think it makes me a bad man who just takes advantage of girls and destroys their to be marriages. Love and enjoyment are basically in my view what people often search the answer for: what is the meaning of life. Even if I get hurt, even if I get deeply burned by desire, I take it and look later back to my life with satisfaction and happiness, as I did everything I could. Even most world’s religions liken passion and love with God. By the way, anyone reading this, tell me what to do... what can I do?

No man should have a power over woman's mind and life - not father, not husband, not priest and not even a king - women should have free will as we all.

Viva la France

Viva la France – that was said to me by someone already when I tried to hitchhike away from Genova. I guess he was a traveler from France. There I also met two more hitchhikers from France. They asked me if hitchhiking in Italy is ok and where would be best place to catch a ride to Pisa. Well, I didn’t want to say that there isn’t any good place, so I said that I don’t know, hitchhiking in Italy is damn hard anyway. They said to me that in France it is very easy. I really didn’t imagine. Actually, for the night I had to get to small town named Antibes near Nice. It was easy to get to Nice, but as I spent some time there, I got pretty late with hitchhiking to Antibes. I stood in bus stop, trying to catch any car, but yeah, at that time, I didn’t have any luck. Two old women came there and seeing me with a sign where was written Antibes, they tried to explain that there goes bus for only one euro. I tried to explain that it is mission for me to only hitchhike. It was amazing to see their faces, as they really didn’t understand why someone should want to hitchhike when bus ticket is so cheap. They offered me money, but then I showed that I don’t need any, I have lots of money, it is just principle. But finally, as the time when I promised to be in Antibes was getting close, I still took the bus. It was first bus ride outside the cities on this trip. But I didn’t want to leave it that way. I still wanted to hitchhike all the way through Europe. So, next day I hitchhiked back to Nice. So stubborn is my mind. But anyway, after that I was just all the time surprised how easy it is to hitchhike in France, and I was surprised of how French people seems. Don’t get me wrong, I always had believed that I find everything good and to my liking in France, but I still was surprised. How nice it all felt there, how friendly and open was people. Even language that I have learned a little bit, and therefore should be familiar with, felt just so amazing to hear after Italy, that I just felt happy all the time - finally in France. Moreover, I was surprised how many of them speak English. There are these legends about French people not really speaking English... you know, old feud and all this... that most of them even can’t speak English and those who could, they still don’t want to. This is all bullshit. On my time in France I never saw any xenophobia or anything against English speakers. True, some really can’t speak English, but they still try... even these old women in this bus stop, they didn’t speak English, but they understood some things that I spoke, and we successfully communicated anyhow. So myth about when you speak in English, they just don’t talk with you, is busted. Now Italians really started to feel xenophobic, nationalistic and even a bit stupid (of course not all of them).

After few days in Antibes and Nice, I needed to go to Marseille. I pondered for a while if I should go by coast and visit some more famous coastal cities, towns and beaches, or go straight by the highway. Marseille is quite far, so second thought won. I still hadn’t understood really how easy is to get a ride. Therefore this long way for this day took only barely half the day. But never mind, in France highways don’t have these high walls like in Italy or Austria, so you can still see some beauty of surroundings. Forest and hills, lots of forest… another legend that we have, that all the western Europe is pretty much clear of the forest and made into farmlands and plantations. This actually seemed true only in Spain, that there is no forest. Spain was almost entirely like a big desert or wasteland with forgotten roads, shabby or completely abandoned buildings and industrial thingies here and there. But now I got ahead a lot. France is truly amazing. I love the landscapes, the cliffy hills, forests, coast, these old lovely villages, medieval castles, old bridges and even churches. Also big cities, perhaps these were not as beautiful as in Austria or Germany, but they certainly had more life in them.

So, Marseille – I have a friend there to host me and show me around a bit, so it was one of the certain places I had to go on my travel. Honestly, city itself isn’t very pretty, but as I said, just French people make it another good place to travel. Honestly, in cities what really counts, are people. Well, my friend also showed me couple things they value as historic monuments and architectural showpieces, but really, if such kind of things didn’t draw me in Roma or Firenze, then certainly not in Marseille. Even in these lovely, small French towns where everything is so beautiful and old, how much can you admire that architecture. At least I need some more living attractions, something that holds me active. And my friend and Marseille made it possible for me. I got to ride the bicycle, do some free climbing on small cliffs, go to party and to beaches, I did even some parkour in the city. This is what I love. Plus some fine French social life, food in a French way, French wine, etc. And I’m also forever thankful for my friend for one art exhibition he took me. Although sometimes even art exhibitions feel too lifeless to me… to me who I’m artist and feel that without art there wouldn’t be much reason for life and human civilization, but yes, especially this exhibition was amazing. It was orientalism themed, and if you don’t know already, then I’m absolutely fanatic of orient, Asia, Africa and Islamic culture. Moreover, this exhibition was full of super masterful works, from what I could learn forever, or I could just admire the beauty of it endlessly.

My friend in Estonia through whom I got to know this guy from Marseille, wrote me that I should let him to take me to beaches and to reggae bars… that there is lots of dark beauties. Yeah, as I would need it, more enticement! But of course I was in beach most of the time, and really enjoyed watching beautiful girls. My friend there also said: “Tauno, you don’t have to go to Africa, you can get a beautiful girl from here, much closer to your home.” True, probably French girl would also be amazing, and if I would live there long enough, I might be even able to get connection with some black people, but first of all, this is not my mission, and I also said to him, that it is still not Africa, I can’t be happy here, and these black girls are not Africans anymore. I’m not interested of getting just a black girl, I simply love African mentality… and I just love some certain girls. But this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to let myself free a little bit. After all, when in Kenya I felt ultimate freedom, then closest we can get to that in Europe, would be in France. So, beaches, parties and parkour.

Sadly I didn’t get to go to any reggae bar, but there was a big festival around old port one night. About ten different stages, so everyone can find something they like. Actually, I even felt that there is too much to choose. Luckily there were big screens that showed what is happening on other stages, so I could see also some people doing break dance and at the same time hear some interesting French music. Well, most of my time on this party, I stayed at the salsa-reggeton stage. This was exactly the mood I was looking for. All the people taken to the dance floor together with real professionals. This night I danced like never before on this journey, and I even caught the attention of one of these professional dancers – another beautiful black girl. We just talked few words, I thanked her for fantastic evening, and then I left. That’s how I always do now… this is not my mission; my mission is to get back to Kenya. By the way, I don’t remember if I have already wrote it, but for that time I had already got a strong feeling that I don’t know why I’m going to Spain. I felt that I’m going to wrong way. I should head to south. But of course I always also understand that I need some money to get my life going in Kenya. I can’t just hope to go there and look how I could survive then. There must be some financial security to that enterprise. Ok, but I will write about these things, these thoughts, some other time. Now I write about my time in France. Though, now I started to think what else to write.

My friend in Marseille, he said that I write a lot, and asked if maybe I’m not an artist but writer. At the time when I stayed at his place, also one Kenyan guy wrote to me, asking if I would be his mentor in writing. Well, I accepted, but I would still say, and also said to my friend that I’m not a writer. When I read something that Remarque has wrote, then I always feel that I still miss something. I am not great enough to commit myself to the writing… and that what being a writer means. But it is still nice to exchange ideas with Festus (this Kenyan guy). For example, the idea to write about my ideas about love and my relations to girls, it is going to be pretty different from what Festus has wrote in his blog, but that is what is the meaning of mutual exchange of ideas – not to agree on everything, but to get inspiration and just to write down your own thoughts. Ok, maybe I’m writer, because I write, I find that I need to write, but then again, I still am much more an visual artist, as even more than writing I need to paint, to draw, to do things from clay, and so on. Just doing art needs much more, and so I can’t do it all the time.

In Marseille I stayed about one week. One day we also rode out of Marseille, over the hills to small coastal town. I don’t really remember the name of it. It was beautiful place – would be really worth to paint. Basically we went there to swim, although to such bad swimmer as I am, swimming in a breakers near coastal cliffs, wasn’t easy. But things do not have to be easy to be enjoyable as something different from everyday. There were lots of people sunbathing nude, reminding me that I still had my white stripe under the panties. I had a plan to go to some nude beach when going west from Marseille. In Languedoc-Roussillon were supposed to be best beaches of France, so of course I had to go there. But my leaving from Marseille happened to come to be exactly on a day when in the morning there was a heavy rain. My friend said that he will take me some way out of Marseille and then there rain is going to get over already – weather forecast said so. It was hard to believe, and being used to extremely uncertain forecasting, I was extremely skeptical, but as I finally saw, forecasts in France really are accurate. Soon rain was over. But I started to doubt if it is good idea to go to beaches. Maybe there will be more rains, and actually air went much colder after the rain anyway, and I had only two days to get to Barcelona. I decided to go forward without detours to beaches. Night I stayed near the small city of Beziers that has pretty amazing big castle. It was quite hard to find a good place for tent there. Private lands were everywhere, and I didn’t want to sleep in any place. Finally I still found a small bamboo “forest” on someone’s private property. That was reminded me by about ten signs on the way – PRIVATE PROPERTY; GUARDED; LANDSCAPE PROTECTION AREA, DAMAGING THE NATURE IS PUNISHABLE, etc. But I found out that my camouflaged tent is perfectly invisible among the bamboo. From here a suggestion to backpackers – certainly get yourself a tent that is natural green or even better with army camo. Bamboo forest was perfect for another reason too. Ground under bamboo forest is pretty much clear of any other plants except soft moss. If it wouldn’t had been cold and party noises from city, followed by really big fireworks, then this night would have been best ever I have had in a tent. But yes, it was cold this night. Actually so cold that when I got to Barcelona I started to feel that I get sick. But this entry was about France, so let it end with France, where everything was almost perfect. Actually, I have more to write about France, as of course I also went back through France, but also this will be a separate entry after Spain and Portugal.

But for the end, something more about Marseille. A French joke about how big sardine blocked the port of Marseille.

C'est la sardine qui a bouché le port de Marseille… est une expression populaire française datant du XVIII^e siècle. Elle signifie que l'histoire est estimée comme une galéjade, une exagération, une histoire à dormir debout. En fait, l'expression est basée sur une histoire vraie mais dont une coquille typographique en a fait une farce.

En 1779, le vicomte de Barras, officier commandant le régiment français d'infanterie de Marine de Pondichéry, qui avait été capturé par les Britanniques en 1778, était libéré, en vertu d'un accord d'échanges de prisonniers et rapatrié sur une frégate de la Marine du roi Louis XVI.

Le bateau sur lequel il embarqua avait pour nom le Sartine, avec un « t ». Pour assurer sa sauvegarde et son retour tranquille vers la France, il naviguait sous un pavillon de sauvegarde qui devait le protéger de toute attaque des navires de la marine britannique qui reconnaissaient l'ordre de le laisser passer. Le navire put ainsi arriver sans encombre après dix mois de navigation au large du port de Marseille.

Or, au dernier moment, le navire se présenta le 19 mai 1780 avec une inversion du code et la « Sartine » fut prise en chasse par un navire britannique qui tira contre elle deux salves de canons. La frégate française, navire imposant, finit par couler dans le chenal de l'entrée du Vieux-port de Marseille ce qui empêcha pendant un certain temps l'accès et la sortie du port à tous autres navires. (http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/C'est_la_sardine_qui_a_bouch%C3%A9_le_port_de_Marseille)

So, everyone understands it now, right !? Ok… actually even I didn’t completely. Anyway, story goes about like this – British navy was on the sea in front of Marseille. There was a naval battle and after that it was organized that they exchange prisoners, and French also planned to repair one of their frigate. I didn’t quite understand if this frigate or the ship they sent to repair it was named Sartine… with strong “t”. But well, there was some confusion, and British sank the Sartine at the mouth of the port. This port has a narrow way out to the sea, so ship blocked the way out or in. There was a lot of talking about the happening, but from Sartine came sardine (the small fish), and it became an expression that sardine was blocking the port of Marseille. My friend said that basically this expression means the love of people around there to exaggerate and play with the words, and make such kind of jokes.

Genova in photos

Just click on photos to see them bigger. And don´t forget to read my last writing that was mainly about Genova... you will understand some photos more.