Few days ago was my first time of hitchhiking in this year. It was good feeling to be on a road again and feel the nature around and wait for uncertainty of some stranger to pick me up. I'm now very anxious to get to my Eurotrip. Yeah, I'm going away again soon. I don't make many plans. Yes I'm preparing a little, and basically set goal to get to Spain, but only God knows if it goes so. If fate has different plans, then I may also end up in some other place. Anyway, somewhere in west I try to find a job and I know that also Spain has lots of problems with unemployment, but I still hope, as I'm tired of pedantic, serious and cold natured nordic people. I just can't stay in Estonia anymore, even more because I simply don't have anything to do here.
I printed myself a T-shirt where is written "Traveller looking for a job or host" (My sister said that it is good idea and Kudrun agreed by saying that I'm canny). Shirt is very nice and smart - black shining text with a really well chosen good and hip shrift on pure white. I also bought new shoes today. Finally I found exactly what I was looking for. It has been very hard to find something as good as my old Converse Weapons were, as suddenly all shoes have changed into either too flashy or too simple. Also new shoes have weird bottoms made of simple rubber and at least it feels that the way how it's just glued to the shoe, probably these shoes can't perdure for long. Fuck you Vans... these are no good shoes for anything - hiking, skateboarding, parkour... and they simply lack the style. Converse Weapons were the real style and durability in one package and could be weared pretty much everywhere, doing whatever (only need football shoes for stadium), and now I think new ones from Cropp (http://www.cropp.com/), model CroppRXI, are good new quality. Well at least what I already know is that they are comfortable and because they also look pretty much the same as Converse Weapons, at least for me that means they are stylish. But by looking the work quality, I am quite sure they also last. I still have some things to buy before going - a small pillow - exotic looking if possible - Indian for example, headlight, cheap hair cutting machine, as now I'm getting slowly used to my short or pretty much non-existant hair and I just can't let myself to grow into caveman on this trip (I still would like to get my hair back sometime in a future, but for now I will be bold)... same cutter will do also for my beard... small things like notebook, toothpaste, etc, but otherwise I'm ready to go. Even this warm-up hitchhiking gave me good nudge for courage. BTW, it was pretty cool because guy who picked me up was true modern cowboy/hillbilly. Yes he had a big offroad car with satnav system, and he was dressed in checkered flannel shirt, a jacket without sleeves, moustache and almost-cowboy hat. He even had such character that you really feel that this guy is some serious country fella. And he listened old music from radio Elmar (and you can hear quite a lot of country music from there), so at some point an old LADA car turned front of us, then I pretty much was carried to past... to the independence days of Estonia. Not that I would be much of a nostalgy lover, but this was really cool moment. Anyway yes, I'm psychologically already prepared and willing.
This day when I hitchhiked I met my best friend forever (not very my style to say so, but it is true), Kudrun, and she said that she can't believe that I'm going away again. She said that although she has always believed that I belong to the road or far-away lands, but it is still unbelievable that I'm going. But after reading a draft of following text about how much I miss Kenya, Africa, or actually even any southern place where people smile and are not drained by life as we here in Estonia, she also said that she doesn't understand how I survived this winter. I have to say that it was one of the two of the hardest winters in my life and it demanded a lot of willpower and other mental survival strategies to not to give up. Oh, don't worry about me now. Actually I know that I always come through even hardest of hell and when sun shines again, it helps me up again. I have always said that there are two things sure about me... when even I don't know anything else about myself surely, then at least I know that I don't give up on life and I don't turn Christian. Ok, now I ain't sure even the second, as I thought that who knows, if I live rest of my life in Kenya with a Christian woman, then perhaps even I can be turned to this path. But sure is that in past I have actually thought about suicide, but I simply couldn't do that. So I changed my thinking. I changed my belief. Now when everything is shadowed I just turn my face to the sun and go on. I have learned to help myself and know that there is nothing hopeless... if things have been bad for a long time, then I simply have to look for any kind of change... sooner or later comes a success again. Now I believe into holiness of life. Not as most religious people do, but more because giving up needs only strength for one last time, but when you carry on, then you start to see the miraculous, wonderous world and finally you obtain that trait that I admire most about southlanders - optimism and positive attitude towards pretty much everything. I have often heared Africans to say when they are asked what is the secret to their constant smile (and of course not a fake smile like my mum thinks): "We are happy, this is just who we are." Maybe I will never be entirely like them, although I experienced that this positivity and optimism is very much "infectuous", but even if I will be gloomier and more serious than they, I want to live in a society where I'm pretty much only guy like that. Even if there is ten or hundred other people who are serious, tired and bored, it would be improvement, as in Estonia I see only "dead" people. In Estonia, smily faces in everyday life are so rare that when you see them, it is not enough to load my batteries and it is not enough to get a smile onto my face too. I have said that I'm like solar battery - when sun is out, then I have energy, but additionally to sun also people's emotions and general surrounding beauty have great effect on me. This winter was even so hard that when normally reggae music makes me feel happier, in this winter there was a period when all reggae, dancehall, even soca music seemed either sad or annoying false happiness. How could I have felt so. Because I miss something so much that it actually feels I have a hollow place inside me... there is something missing... a lot is missing.
In the beginning of this week was a volunteers trade fair here in Tallinn, and of course I along with other volunteers who had their service outside of Europe, had to talk about this experience. Truthfully, even though I'd like to share my tale, I simply have felt that it is mission impossible. Only one who has understood a little about what it really was, is my grandmother, and to her I have shown pictures and talked about it already over half a year. So now I have felt that I don't want to make people understand our experience (they never will unless they go and live it through by themselves, but what I want is to get back there. Well ok, this was actually what we were supposed to say to these people who listened, but still it felt that they can't hear what we say. Come on, I say that it was such an intense experiense and I want to get back there... for good... how can't you relate to that message, how you don't understand it. But I know, before going, I was also just obsessed of Africa, actually I would never had taken seriously the idea of working to gather the money to move all my life there, to marry an African girl and do whatever there for living. It just sounds so surreal. But now it is only truth I know. And I say to you who think about going to such voluntary service, that sure go, it probably will be amazing experience, but you must also understand that leaving may be hardest part. Before going I was sure that I like this experience, but I couldn't have had idea of how much it changes me.
Have I wrote in my blog that I miss Kenya? I don't remember speciffically any post, but I believe I have done that already many times. Even when I write that I miss my friends there or my sweetheart, then actually it means that I miss Kenya too, as they without Kenya are nothing. Well, this time I wanted to make sure that people would get some idea how much I miss Kenya and what it feels like to be right here now, thousands of kilometers away from that paradiseland. Ok, first of all I must say that I know Kenya has many bad things too and probably when I get there, I have lots of days when there is only routine and maybe even stress from hard time when I try to set up my life there, or feeling of idledness in some days, but as I wrote a comment to the photo of one of my friends, that was named by another commenter to depict a paradise, although it was just a very green street - I wrote that Paradise doesn't have to be some place full of nature (it may be, but doesn't have to), but Paradise is a state of mind, it is feeling and in some cases a connection with certain place or something actual. So everyone has their own Paradise. And even though Kenya has lots of crime because of what especially I, a white guy, is in danger,... and Kenya has lots of corruption, not very great educational system or healthcare, there is lots of slums where people live in shacks and litter the streets around them with garbage, it is still so deeply rooted in my heart. It is so because of many things... much more than bad things, is there things that I like and without what my life seems emptier. I think about Kenya all the time. What ever I do in Estonia, or what ever I see here, everything turns my mind to Kenya. I think how different it was. I know that something being better or worse than something else is very relative, but the different effect comes clear to me when I remember how in Kenya even worst days weren't so bad that I would say that I want to get back to my home and to my people. No I said to myself: "Yes I feel bad right now as this wasn't like I hoped, but don't worry, I'll get over it and I fix things. There is nothing better in Estonia." I have always said that I didn't had a culture shock, as there wasn't anything in their culture that I would condemn for being the reason of my bad feeling and at the same time I always thought how nature of Estonians and our living style, our system, our culture and even our climate has made me feel bad countless of times and then... then I have always judged our world we live in Estonia. I have felt cultural stress for a long time, but in Estonia... In Kenya I was released from that burden. There everything seemed more natural and more homely, than in a country where I have grown and lived my entire life. I have asked myself how is it possible that I grew to fit into another culture, but actually answer is simple. You know that people learn all their life. During their life they start understanding what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, and usually they grow to think that what is so close to them is right and good, but sometimes some people don't find these good and right things with their exploration of their nearby surroundings. Some understand that things you may see in your life, teached by your parents and in school, things that are carrying our own culture as it is, may not be best, might not be the only truth. Such a person was I. I learned early to not to take things self-evident. I learned to criticize even closest things, even things that I did. And over time I found a lot of problematic things to what I didn't find solution. But I looked from wrong place... solution was accepting what is here as Paradise for others but finding myself another place. In Kenya I understood, that this place is closer to my soul than my fatherland. I'm not a patriot, but patriotism without reason is overrated anyway. And by the way, also in this trade fair I said that Estonia is very good place to rest... no not for vacation, but for resting. Estonia is quiet and boring, fairly tolerant place where most people try not to disturb eachother... would it be even simple talking to you. Here you can be alone and rest from intense socializing, colourful and crazy cultures and from working, as Estonia because due to bad working conditions, arrogant and selfish employers and low payments can't even be called good working environment (even though most Estonians are laborious, hard working and loyal to work ethics), but Estonia isn't place to live. This is not life we do here... it is somehow dealing with inevitable. Living is feeling, expressing, experimenting, being active for enjoyment, etc. Again I understand that maybe some here find it enjoyable and they really can live here, but not me.
Kenya opened a whole new dimension for me. Like in sauna your pores open and you can't do anything but sweat and enjoy it, so was Kenya for me in sense of feelings. Of course I have feelings also in Estonia, but in Kenya these got so strong and conquered me, became the sole reason, became the source of enjoyment no matter what I currently felt. Intense, this is the key word. Compared to that, Estonia is simply boring and pointless. Unlike Mykolas, I have never felt that Kenya was like a dream in sense that it blurrs and seems somewhat unreal and in some parts not understandable. For me that place is Estonia. It is not entirely bad dream, but it is weird and foggy, slowpaced and full of gaps. But even when I'm back now in Estonia, through my mind I imagine many things to be what it used to be in Kenya. It was so in first days after return and even more now, soon a year after the end of my first Kenya adventure. I have constantly dreams and daydreams about Kenya. In my mind it is so close that I can still touch, smell, hear and feel things that I remember and imagine. I remember and dream and then reality in Estonia seems so painful for me... pain from missing something so much. Everyone knows some people who read fantasy tales or play computer games and then hope that they would live in this wonderous world. Well, even I was such guy... a fantasy dork... until I found my dreamworld to be real. Like I think Kudrun would say, it brought me inspiration... it brought me so much creativity what is often very hard to find for me when I'm in Estonia. In Kenya borders between creativity and reality blurred many times. In Kenya I killed a dragon and found my princess, there was a Lucky Mouse People and green jungle giraffes, lonely pink panther, Mountain God, oh and another princess, a sleeping one, soldier ants and much more. Sometimes I think that even robbers were from some cool action game or RPG... partly mystified. The thought of it now and when I directly experienced this fantastical crazy world, turned life so colourful. I would gladly learn through my own mistakes or discoveries fed to me by environment, these hundreds of pieces of wisdom how to protect myself from robbers, if I only could feel some excitement and adventure. Kenya, probably entire Africa is interactive world. There you can't live headphones or blinders on head (fact here.. I had lots of music with me in mp3 player, but I rarely listened it... I think some of the music I maybe even didn't), you can't be individualist and you can't expect things already known to you, happen again the same way. It is not a comfort zone, although even in Africa you can create a little comfort zone where to escape when you need it, this world, it is constant movement to somewhere and never getting used to something. It is moving...where?... who the hell knows that. Constant movement and changes anyway. If you get too used to something and get too comfortable not to hold your mind on it, this world throws you with something... or throws you into something new. True, it is dangerous, but then again you rarely feel routine there and I guess this is what holds also local people there so vigilant and lively. I don't agree with those who say that everything is stopped in Africa. Yes you can't be sure of agreements and people take time with everything, but this is actually much closer to the pace of nature.
Estonia rarely speaks or touches me, and I don't care most of the so called Estonian culture. But in Africa everything has symbolic meaning or reason. Sometimes quite naive, but many things that come straight from the heart, may be naive and cliche. I think I'm also often pretty naive. But sometimes these symbolic meanings and reasons are perhaps even deeper than ones in our "complex" culture. Sometimes it is subconcious and people don't understand it by themselves, sometimes they try to hide the real meanings (But then finding it out can become obsession that gives activity for days or even months.. and everything shouldn't be offered on a silver plate. Researching and discovering is one of the greatest delights offered to humans, why to make it easy for yourself and spoil all the fun, by living in a place where everything is so ordered, simple and self-evident). These mysteries and symbols have lots of character and show that it takes ages to fully understand the models this society uses to work. Knowing this, it only raises my interest to learn more. In Estonia the coherence of self-evidency and this weird non-interacting world and people (if any Estonian have objections to the fact that Estonians generally are not very social, then think about football players who simply don't communicate, how people don't show half their emotions out, how people don't come to streets to protest when they don't like something, how teenager who should be with a boiling blood, goes home without even saying hello or go-to-hell-o to parents, closes the door both literally and symbolically... that we call character of Estonian. It is emptiness and it is barrier), creates only ill feelings and melancholy. And when you try to do something, just to be active, then it seems so artificial and stressful or simply not worthy enough. Yeah, I'm adrenalin junkie. For happiness I need more than superficial social activities or just wasting time, I need not order and security, if then only a little bit. But I need some excitement... no matter if it comes from rock climbing or living in crazy, buzzing environment or something entirely else. I need enjoyment from intensity and emotionality. And I need to do do something that is not important for some greedy businessman, but for myself. This reminded me - through Kudrun's link in Facebook I found some maps that show how people of some certain countries in the world describe other people - like what French think about other Europeans... or what characterizes the women of every country, or what things are we known by when asked from German, or political picture through the eyes of an American. Guess what... Estonians were always either primitive, cold, melancholic or unknown (and why... because we don't show any sign of ourselves) and I'm no way proud of such characteristics. What is peacefulness if you are just a buffer zone between Free World and Communists or Russian Mafia or what ever are the generalizising simple minded views of different peoples about modern Russia? What is beauty of our women when we are dead inside? What good is of ethics when people die because of boredness or being a good lapdog?
Aight, it came out a little bit more criticizing than I wanted, but this often happens when I now talk what I feel about Estonia and why I'm so determined to move away. Actually I still find many things that I find hard to leave when I leave Estonia, and I'm not all so anti-Estonian all the time. Usually when I miss my girl and my life in Kenya little bit less, then I wouldn't go so far to stamp everything in Estonia meaningless and puny, but as I wanted to show the extreme feeling of missing something so much, then I allowed myself that freedom to say everything out that I think from time to time. And I'm actually much more positive. True I want to work my way back to Kenya and when my plans get hit back, then I get angry and sad and desperate, but those who know me personaly, I think they understand why I named myself Jolly Juwarra.
Like my friend Janika said: "But missing can be good too, some day when you get to your girl, you start to miss that feeling you have now". Or something like that. But she also wrote to her blog that longterm determination is one of the greatest mysteries. To believe into yourself and never give up. Going forward. That way, reaching your destination or goal is only matter of time. I would add to that, that if you are so determined, then so strong feelings like I have, are normal, and even when you may be somewhat disturbed by that sadness of so great longing, then actually it helps you to reach this destination... or destiny.
One more example from somewhat weird feelings I have. Today we went to graveyard where my father's parents and one of my sister is buried. Grandparents died 1993 and 94 and I even haven't seen my firstborn sister as she died a little after the birth, but today tears came to my eyes there. Of course I miss my grandparents, but it is long time since their death and I have never got tears when we visit graveyard. But now when I know that I will leave, and who knows maybe I don't ever get to go to their graves, it simply overwhelmed me. I put a candle and clapped my hands together and bowed like Shinto believers do to honour their forefathers at shrine. Graves don't have any special significance to me, nor do I believe that spirits have that kind of connection to material world that they would follow us and look if they are remembered, but somehow I felt that I need to perform that ritual. Just for my own sake.
So so, I hope in my travels I will have also some possibilities to write, but then again from Kenya times I also learned that a lot can happen that delays or entirely takes interest to post news.
What else... feel irie people!
