About love, sex and feelings

Who says that lust is just physical is greatly mistaken. Think where lust comes! Answer to that is, that it comes from your head - from signals that hormones give to your brain, to be exact. So, lust not only isn't opposite of feelings, it is one of the feelings.  Every sex has, or in my opinion, should have lust in it. Casual one night stand has both emotional and physical attraction too. At least for me it has been so every time. Not to mention crushes, that i have felt like most of the time. When you have a crush, it doesn't mean yet that you love that person. Crush is very superficial. You can have a crush when you don't know the person, but can love only person that you know quite deeply already. But still, you feel lust when you have a crush. And same way you feel lust when you fall in love. To be honest, i think without lust, love starts to fade very quickly. And without feelings any sex would feel empty and boring. Even when i have a one night stand with a person with whom i don't want to have anything longer lasting, i still want it to happen because i feel some closeness and even feel some fancy. Already when main impulse to start flirting and trying to get other one to bed, is their fine outlook, it actually means your emotions lead you to actions. It means you like him or her. Its not like you would just want to get it over with because you had some physical itch or need. If there is such guys or girls, then yeah, you shouldn't give in for them, but otherwise i think that casual sex without any anticipation to go into steady right away, is totally fine and acceptable modern day social behavior for both men and women. Sexual experimentation is fun and in my opinion direly needed thing before settling down with someone, or actually also after that. And everyone quite so often need some closeness and feelings to their life. Honestly i don't know any other thing that allows people so much feelings as sex, even if it is just one nighter or only quicky. If you are not total jerk you will care of your sex partner from the start. It is not just you in that bed.. or wherever you do it. It is so true that ego should be left out from even the most random sex. Otherwise it can become quite a bad experience for any participant. Anyway, sometimes that care you felt, remains even if your paths will be separate (you can become friends for example), sometimes not, but it is a fact that you had emotionally heightened state while you had sex. And sometimes it can lead to steady relationship and to love, but at first you shouldn't think ahead of yourself. First try out how other person feels and just have fun, and let things go their own way, because if you think that you hold yourself for the one and only true love and finally think you have found it, you may be surprised how much tension it could bring. Not only will you be total noob, your actions may leave your loved one to feel like you are not on the same page or she/he can even feel harassed if you suddenly start to talk of love from the day one. Love doesn't happen in a moment. Sometimes love grows very slowly and sneak into your heart even if you don't acknowledge it at first. The way to love can go over rocks and through all kind of hardships before it can finally become the life of two people (or well, why not three or four.. i'm not condemning anyone's philosophy, culture or religion in that matter). So yeah, people, be free and don't be afraid of emotions. Aren't that the kind of contemporary day or future we have fought for. Hereby i thank with a deep bow all the hippies for sexual and intellectual revolution.

The irresistable force meets unmovable object

Right now I don’t continue with my European travel entries. I owe You my story about girls, about love and passion, fails and harsh things that people do, etc. Basically it is a backlash to my stay in Kenya and some things that happened after return to Estonia, but still were so much about Kenya.
As I have also wrote here, I went to Kenya with the idea in my mind that I must take every opportunity and adventure that Kenya has to offer (well... my kind of adventure means no safari animal viewing, but some other things). Kind of as a part of that I planned to try out an African girl. Pretty much as soon as I got to Eldoret, I fell in love. Well, I actually didn’t plan to fall in love. My idea was just to try out a beautiful local girl, but you know how are feelings – they just happen. At first I didn’t even admit that I was so far with my feelings. I even didn't know whom I really like... Kate or Sarah or... basically I even had feelings for one girl in Estonia, and before leaving, I kind of promised myself that when I come back I will finally say my feelings out. But over time I understood, that it is as clear as a fact, that I was now suddenly deeply in love with Catherine (Kate), my first girl in Kenya. I just knew that I must break the promise I made to myself in Estonia about this other girl. I started thinking, what now? At that point I already knew that I like Kenya, and I don’t even care about any downsides of this country and society. I didn't care that I will surely miss some things from my home. I started thinking out a plan how to stay or come back to Kenya. For the irony of fate, at the same time Kate started to cool down in relations towards me. These were extremely weird times. I didn’t understand at all what was going on. Kate had lots of secrets. In times she said that she likes me, sometimes even showing it out. At some other times (increasingly often) she simply started avoiding me and behaving weirdly towards me... kind of like someone would have turned her against her own wish away from me. For a long, I tried to find out the problem and fix it, but finally Kate saw that only way was to break up. I was devastated. Then I really started searching other girl just for getting over Kate.

I met Kwamboka in a danceclub and in many ways my story with her was much simpler. We got together, had fun, had sex, and I got closer to real local life than with anyone else. at least in the beginning it was without any complications for me. But I weren't completely happy. First of all, I must say that she didn’t deserve what I did for her, as at first she got to be my rebound girl (she also finally got to know about it), meaning she had surely more serious feelings than I (Although from time to time I have thought that I actually felt more than I let myself to believe... I was still hurt by last loss), and secondly I left her because of another girl, another Kenyan girl, saying everything honestly out to her. This all was so cruel to her, and I appologise for her, but again, I couldn’t have done it differently (I couldn’t had resisted her and I couldn’t have lied to her in the end... and same way as I couldn't had resisted her, I couldn't have resisted this another girl). And still, when perhaps in the beginning she really was just to relieve my pain from last ditching, then after some time I really started feeling differently about her. Even if not love yet, I started liking her and us together, as there was a passion that pretty much was missing from my story with Kate (at least in a way I would have liked it). Yes, there were also some things that I didn’t like about Kwamboka, things that made me unsure, and I guess, these things got fateful in the end, as the girl to whom I really fell again was exactly what I didn’t find in Kwamboka. Or at least so I like to think. But as I said, things were complicated in a different way. For example, our relationship got physical very quickly, but we were already separated by some land in Kenya, as she didn’t live in the same town as I, so basically maybe when we met it was too intensive in some ways. Then again, I still liked what I had with her, and I really started liking her. I liked to go to party with her, I liked when we were camping with her friends, in general I liked her friends and that she included me in things she did with her friends. I adored her beautiful body and how normal she was in the sense what a European man expects from modern girl, I liked to have wild sex with her and I also liked to have just soft caressing moments. Basically first time in my life I felt that I have really good, normal, working relationship with someone. She is even such a girl with whom I can imagine myself living together. But it seems it wasn’t enough. For really pointless small things I felt that she isn’t yet the right one. Things like this same partygoing nature of hers that I also liked. I asked myself why I don’t like when girls in Estonia are going clubs... and finally I felt that I like when girl is joyful, adventurous and likes to have fun, so I wouldn’t be always bored with her at home, but I also wish my girl to take life more seriously than she seemed to. But this was wrong answer. I even can't say what is the difference, but when at first she seemed maybe even too much European like girl, then now I would say that I simply knew her too little time, and actually never saw her so said everyday side. Another thing,... I also just happen to like very dark beauties, and as she was quite light, the dark skin of my third girl just drew me as did her simple warmheartedness. Not that I would say that Kwamboka was not to my liking and cold. No, in contrary... I already said that she was beautiful and nice, but just at one moment I was attracted by another girl more. What can I do?

I never even kissed my third darling (well, only to cheek), because I was in that sense true to some ethics. I wanted to say to Kwamboka first, that it doesn’t work between us, and yet I couldn’t do that before leaving (I was too much of a coward or maybe unsure of myself). It was two days before leaving Kenya, when I understood that my feelings towards that third girl are too strong for not to even say it out. I didn’t say it to her then, but only some time after my return to Estonia, but I think we already understood about eachothers feelings for some time, as we just were together as friends quite a lot in the end... and there were signs. Yeah, I think I weren't sure of many things. Also with Kwamboka I finally broke up when I was already in Estonia... when I came to understand that my heart feels too strong feelings for third girl. But just a little bit later I said to my best friend that I actually have come to love both of these girls, and although in Kenya polygamy is legal, I'm sure, neither of these girls would accept me being with both of them. Actually I think I’m more of a traditionalist (one woman man) myself too... only my feelings are split to two and making it even more difficult for me. How can you choose a love. But I had to choose, and I did. Actually Kwamboka made it easier for me, saying that she removes herself from that triangle. Yet, I know, that feelings of both of us still remain. And, I am sure that I would have made that same choice also myself... I would do that choice if I would get another chance. My love for my last sweetheart was just so great. And that said, it is even sader now.

Anyway, let it be said out now (now when this thing seems to be over), that third girl was Betty, who was a good friend for quite a many from our group there. This was really crazy thing. Those few of my friends whom I still haven’t told about it, would be now pretty shocked (so if any of you read it, then sorry for everything... not telling you and I don’t know what else), as she was engaged to be married. But there was irresistable attraction between us... from both sides. It was already quite the end of our stay there... maybe two weeks before we had to go, or three... anyway, most of our group went to coast for second time, to say goodby to divine Kenyan beaches and good life. Helen who stayed home with me, wasn’t actually home much, but with his Kenyan boyfriend (if I can say so). So I felt lonely and was looking for some company. There wasn’t much choice for me – one friend I had in Eldoret was Betty. So I called her, that perhaps we could meet and do something. Basically it seemed that it took no time at all from her to come up with a plan. She said that lets meet in town, and then she wants to take me somewhere. We had already been in her home with most of our group and she took us also to one nice place with a waterfall, but nothing is more special than her plan then. She took me to her country home, where was her own farm, farm of her grandma and also farm of one other related family. I even didn’t know that we go so far away, meaning we stay over night. Total surprise and such an honour for me. These days I felt like among my own family, and in these days I got a crush for her. As I said, I held it secret until I had left and weren't even sure if I ever should say it out, although I had already seen signs from Betty that maybe she also feels same towards me. Actually on second day at countryside there, she even proposed that we can stay another day at her farm. First night she was at her grandparents place and I at this farm of other relatives. So, you surely see what this means. But how ever tempting this offer was, I had mixed feelings. Well, because in this morning she also said to me that she is not sure anymore about the marriage plans, and because at other waterfalls we visited this day we clearly flirted, so I already was pretty sure that the reason of doubting about marriage plans may be me, but still, I weren’t sure yet if I could take that blame on me, and also thing with Kwamboka. Or maybe I even would have, but additionally, I didn’t had toothbrush and condoms with me (as I already said, I had no clue where are we going or what could happen).

But more I thought about it the more I fell in love with her. For long I wondered what to do and at last, when I was already home and had been away from both girls for some time, came to conclusion that if she anyway has doubts about marriage, if she had got a crush to someone else, then she shouldn’t marry, no matter if it is because of me or not. I also found that I need to know what she feels about me and I need at least to say my feelings out to her... maybe I have just imagined these signs I saw, maybe it was something else and we wouldn't anyway have a chance together. Well, I talked with her and she affirmed what I believed. She said that she had got a crush on me even earlier than I did, and saying that she doesn’t know what to do now. She waited answer from me. What other answer I could have given. Now I didn’t care at all about this other poor man of hers. I said, that if you doubt, you are not probably ready for marriage, but the final decision is only yours and that should come from heart. And against all odds, she chose to hope to get together with me again.

I would say that I have never had better girl, but how much I actually know about her. I know that I like what her mind was, a little bit about her personality. Her honesty and simple nature, and that flirtyness I saw, but I absolutely discarded everything else... things that I can’t find out just with little time together in Kenya when we even weren't yet together as a couple, or later through phonecalls and e-mails over quite long time. I just hoped all best. In that sense Kwamboka would have been absolutely more of a sure deal. But again I must say that sometimes it is hard to fight with your heart... you don’t listen your mind. Actually realistic thinking would have said to me that it is pretty hard chance to get back to Africa anyway. And still, I hope to get back there, now only it seems that I don’t have any of these girls. Although yes, like I wrote in my travel stories during Eurotrip, also Kate started calling me again. She even asked when I’m coming back, showing clearly that she would want to restore our thing, but this time it was me who started avoiding her, and now she ceased her tries. I just wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore. Even if she would tell me all the truth, why she left me in first place, I wouldn't be able to trust that she actually loves me. And moreover, she showed that she can close into herself and hold so many secrets from me, that I think I would never be able to have a normal life with her, where she would trust me in almost anything. No, with this girl I better stay at the safe side now.

Yeah, for a year and a half we hoped for our thing with Betty, but now suddenly and again painfully for me it is over. Actually this time it is painful for both of us, as reason for the end of it, is just unfair and cruel. Almost entire december I have tried to call Betty, but calls were always canceled. I started thinking that maybe she fell for someone else. Africa just is full of feelings and it is hard to control it. And Africans generally are impulsive. But it wasn’t so. I sent a message that at least I want to know the reason and that I keep calling until she is tired of cancelling the calls. I thought that maybe just like Kate she fears to say out what is on her mind. So today, after almost week of trying to call her and many messages, she answered with a message from someone else's phone, and it was even more painful for me than I had believed possible to be. It seems that finally her dad got to know the reason why she cancelled the wedding. Her dad got angry and said that he doesn’t approve me. He took Betty’s phone away, probably hoping that I just give up if I don’t get her to phone for long enough time. For Betty, family is important, that I know, but still I don’t understand how Betty’s feelengs aren’t equally important for them. Anyway, Betty said that she is sorry and this probably is the end of it.

Oh damn... so far, even foresensing something bad, I didn’t shed a tear, but today it hit me hard. How can it be that someone’s family has right of say over feelings of their daughter, knowing it will break the hearts of both her and her loved one. And damn again... when some of Kwamboka’s friends and also her mother showed same reaction towards me, then she chose me over them. She left home, and at least then she left also these few friends who didn't understand her feelings. Well, I don’t blame Betty for not doing same, but it is still hard to believe that she would give up so easily. Now I just think all the time what to do. Should I show more consistency, adressing some messages also to her father. I don’t believe it can work. If I would have my own appartment, I would make Betty a proposal that I would buy her a plain ticket to Estonia. I hope she shows out her loss as hardly as I do, so that finally her dad would see that our love is honest and not some simple affection that goes over, that we are fighting for it, and that he is just hurting her... and me (about that he of course wouldn't care, as I offended him by first destroying wedding plans he had made, and then by keeping this all secret from him). Again I’m so struck by that, that I just can’t accept the loss of her. I really love her too much... and I believe she loves me as much. But traditions in Kenya are strong and such man as him, have lots of pride. If I only would still be in Kenya.

So this is the whole truth about me and my girls in Kenya. I dedicate that to Festus, who writes often about men and women and their relations and how it should be. So basically this is in what sense I would argue against him. He said that women should be careful of men who don’t take them seriously, women should be careful selecting good independent men, and he really categorizes men. I would say that our hearts do things that are almost out of our control, and I would say that neither men nor women should be ashamed of that or condemn such occurences. I have always believed that people should take their life more freely. We should have also simple sex, we should have failures from what we learn, and we must have great passionate love that would fight with hardest reality. Even holy man Dalai Lama says that love and cooking should be approached with foolhardy devotion. That is what I did in all of these three cases, and I don’t think it makes me a bad man who just takes advantage of girls and destroys their to be marriages. Love and enjoyment are basically in my view what people often search the answer for: what is the meaning of life. Even if I get hurt, even if I get deeply burned by desire, I take it and look later back to my life with satisfaction and happiness, as I did everything I could. Even most world’s religions liken passion and love with God. By the way, anyone reading this, tell me what to do... what can I do?

No man should have a power over woman's mind and life - not father, not husband, not priest and not even a king - women should have free will as we all.

More awesomeness

Ok... in last post I didn't write much about Klagenfurt. It is really beautiful place surrounded by mountains. Yes, actually there are some really great mountains. And there of course is the Worthersee lake, surrounded by tourist attractions. Even though there is not any great place to dip yourself in, it is actually best place to have a wonderful look on nature around. Lake has light greenish blue colour that so well mixes together with woods and mountains.

And even though I don't like sightseeing, also walks in the old town are nice. Klagenfurt is much smaller than Tallinn in Estonia, but so much grander by look of it. Old town is full of people, amazing old architecture, plazas, parks, fountains and sculptures. Even new parts of town seem well to fit into the whole picture.

Wolfgang, my host there found that Klagenfurt is boring, but I had as good time there as in Vienna. Like I wrote to him in Couch Surfing - friends, beer and ice hockey or pop quiz in Irish pub, this is what's good time for me. Ok, there should be some place to go for real party too, but still it is not overly boring place either. Not places itself, but people make places special. That is why I instead of looking around try to get into normal local life, even if I have only few days for it. And I try to get to know as many local people as possible. I hope for random encounters. It was actually one day when I was sitting in park in Klagenfurt and writing. I hoped that someone comes to talk with me. Even just few words would do. But no one came. Well, there was one girl walking around in the park and taking photos of everything. Probably not a tourist as she took photos of treetops and bushes and many photos of same thing. So probably more of a American Beauty type of artistic photographer. She took also few photos from behind of the fountain, where should also be me. So I started writing of her. She taking photos and I writing about her. Kind of poetical and romantic actually. I noticeably followed her with my eyes, and she came quite close by, but past without neither of us saying anything. Maybe she hoped me to call her, but then I felt that maybe it would be bad idea. Lots of couples here make me wish for a girl to hold around too, but then I always remember my sweetie and think that it wouldn't be right to her.

But of course I still met one very enticing girl. In the last day we went to this pop quiz finally, because of what I actually was in Klagenfurt so long. And Wolfgang invited also two girls from Slovenia. One of them was so charming, sweet and funny, and actually I even gave her possibility to take contact with me. I even don't know if I'm strong because actually I haven't followed desire for now, or weak because I have so many enticements. Probably still weak, because if opportunity really would rise with such a divine girl, then probably I would give in, and that would be a mistake, as I never wouldn't forget my real love. I don't know who would get hurt, but probably someone.

Ah yes, actually I wanted to write about pop quiz. We needed a name for the team. Wolfgang proposed "Kaksteist kuud" (twelve months in Estonian) what he had heared from his friend, but noo... that would be too sick, when they say the names of teams. So I put the name "Archive of Awesomeness" instead. Yeah, we got a awesome name, that suited us, but there was another team with sick name - "Jedi Aholes". So it got a goal for me to won that team, but we didn't. At first we did good, but there were some things on what we got confused. So, when we left the pub, I said with a loud voice: "But you can't win us in awesomeness".

Now I'm actually already in Italia and I haven't missed my girl so much as now. I have also a little stress from traveling and some sort of a culture shock maybe, but Italy is already theme for next post, and hopefully for that time I have already got better feelings too.

Greatest thanks to both of my hosts (Hanna and Wolfgang) and their friends for amazing time in Austria. I will regard you always as good friends and hopefully we'll see again. Love!

Awesome Austria

Austria... it is really amazing country. Both cities and countryside with beautiful nature. People is so open and social. If you know someone, then you also quite certainly meet his or her friends. You go to parties, you are invited to dinners, to some group events with social games... they buy you beers or cakes. All the time something happens and you never feel alone (even when you actually are alone for some time). I really have started to love how German party feeling, French social commons like two kisses on cheek and Italian expressiveness and freedom are together in this country. And I started to love German language. At first I was surprised that German sounds better than I remember, but it was explained to me, that actually Austrian German is softer than real German. So that´s why. And truthfully I love girls here. They are so special and sweet. It is very hard to resist the temptation. Everyone, whatever is your taste, could find a girl that he likes here. Jürgen could get a chinese chica or for example that gorgeous half Philippino girl we met. And here are lots of black people, Arabians, Turks, Italians, somewhere probably even some Indians or Americans. Or you could fall for some pretty and nice Austrian or Swiss girl. You may find hippies, goth-metal girls, dreadheads or just old sweet vanilla flavour. I still love my girl and actually I don´t want anyone else but her, but here I simply got a crush on many girls. Especially my host Hanna in Vienna. She is such a pretty and special girl. Her energy, her laughter, the way how she takes the life, it just makes me crazy for her. Luckily she didn´t sho any such interest for me. Otherways who knows what could have happened. And Jasmine and her friend Karoline, girls from Switzerland studying music here. They invited me and Patrick (another coach surfer from USA, really awsome dude) to play minigolf and then after that to dinner they prepared. Both of them beautiful and interesting in their own way. Also Patrick has a girlfriend in USA (and as it seemed from the photo I saw, a dark skinned beauty), but sometimes it seemed to me that also he is not far from slipping. I guess that´s why he also looked the photo of himself with his girlfriend so often, to bring himself back to earth. Sometimes it really seemed that this place here is like paradise. Patrick´s favourite was clearly Jasmine, and I totally understand why. Especially when she sings, then you simply forget everything else. She is like divine creature.

But both of us, Patrick and I, we went on with our travels and hopefully it makes things easier. Actually it felt so hard to leave Vienna. Like really some magical song or laughter would chain me there. I left Vienna and I even didn´t had chance to meet Elisabeth (I think it is bad, although who knows, maybe she would have charmed me too). I still feel overpovering wish to go back.

Now I´m in another nice place in Austria. It is a small beautiful town in Alps (although not so massive mountains here as I hoped - I guess I have to go up to north in Italy... or maybe visit Switzerland), named Klagenfurt. Here my host is a guy, but my time with him and his friends is almost as amazing as in Vienna. They are great fans of ice hockey here and one day we were first in a Irish pub having plenty of beers and then two o clock in night his friends came here to watch hockey game. Today will be the same. By the way, I have never been interested of hockey, but it was still interesting to me, as guys look like Dwarves from some fantasy. They have beards (as in the end of the series it is a common not to shave), and in these teams, most of these beards were orange. Also their armor makes them look short but wide. Sport is agressive as I imagine anything to do with Dwarves would have to be. I just started imagining that they would have big axes instead of hockey sticks. Anyway, not much time to rest in Austria. So again, Estonia is a good place for resting and south here for living. Yesterday I actually took a possibility to rest and write... and today a little bit too, but actually I already hope and expect more active eavning.

Ok, I will go and check out the lake here, and maybe make myself wet. When I came to Klagenfurt, it was raining and first time on hitchhiking I got a little bit wet, but really only little, as soon a car picked me up and brought me exactly where I needed. Now it is perfect weather again. What else you can hope from life - beauty around, good weather, nice people! Katrina actually asked from me yesterday if I take my girl now to live in Austria, but I still continue with my plan to go back to Kenya. It is anyway very expensive here and making business would be even more impossible for me than in Estonia. And in winter it still gets cold here.

Ok, tschüss!

Through tests of elements happily in Warsaw

Last two days in Lithuania I was on a small journey with Mykolas. At first we visited his homeplace in Kernave - a silent beautiful cultural reserve with small village. And then went to lake Sartai (that is between Utena, the birthplace of best Lithuanian beer, and Ignalina, from where even some of Estonian power comes if I know correctly), where we fished, swimmed (by the way, it was my first swimming in this year), rode with the boat, drinked Jesus brewed home beer and ate śaslikas and fish.

Last two days have been a tough test for me. I didn't get to Warsaw in one day and now it actually seems even crazy idea that I hoped, as in Poland there is lots of smaller and bigger places, where road turns. It is almost impossible to get to Warsaw in a one car. And actually in some places traffic is quite light and most cars just don't stop.

From Vilnius to Kaunas everything went as planned. I got to highway with a free Maxima bus. There I went to Kebab road stop and asked if anyone goes to Kaunas. One guy said that he can take me along if he can get going as his car just doesn't start. Finally he still got it running and I was in Kaunas already before noon. Kaunas was quite a different from Vilnius. Kaunas seemed like an industrial city with everything little bit smaller and rougher, but I liked it... it was special. Especially I liked some graffitis and massive industrial looking steel bridges.

But from there my test of earth and fire started. Test of earth was the distance that I can go by foot my heavy bag on the shoulders plus tent and still Kaubamaja (Estonian supermarket) plastic bag with food stuff in hands. Test of fire was my resistance to sun. I didn't want to spend money there for a bus ride out from Kaunas, or actually I even didn't had enough litas anymore as I had to buy Coca-Cola to get into bathroom (or actually I wanted to buy, as it is better to get a cold refreshing drink and get to WC than just pay for some crappy public toilet). Ah yes, if you wonder, then yes, today's post has quite a lot of something that smells for advertisement, but why not, these companies and shops help me in one or other way to carry through my journey. Anyway, it was quite a way to walk, especially because in one place I made a wrong choice of the road. And then I still didn't know that this day the test of earth is just beginning. Same way I didn't understand how strong is the sun this day. Already last days being on the trip with Mykolas, I got a lot of sun, but it wasn't anything compared to this day. When I had crossed bridge in Kaunas, I felt that my arms are just burning. So I quickly turned my bag upside-down and found the sunblock. The same that I used in Kenya - 50+. This day I put it I think at least four times and I still felt that my hands are getting more and more red. Temperature was close to 40 degrees Celsius and on the way I started worrying about my water amount. Had to start conserving it.

Ok, anyway one guy drove me to the crossroad where he turned to Kaliningrad and my test got even worse. Before the Lithuanian-Polish border and on such roads with quite a few places good enough for stopping, no-one picked me up. I decided to walk. I think I walked about 20-30 km-s until I got to the last fuel station before the border. I already thought about putting my tent there as evening was getting close already, but didn't want to give up yet. Finally I found one truck driver who was heading to Bialystok, and he spoke english well. Ok, Bialystok is little bit away from the ideal route, but that chance I took. I wanted to get over the border in this day.

With the truck I got some way through Augustow, that is really beautiful small town close the border in Poland. After Augustow there was this crossroad where went the "straight" way towards Warsaw, and then other road south to Bialystok. And then truck driver made a stop for 45 minutes. I said to him that I go to try my luck on the other road and if unsuccessful, then I come back there in 45 minutes. I tried, but no cars stopped, but when time got close I decided that it is better to look for a place to raise my tent around there, as when we get to Bialystock it would be really dark, and I would have to walk away from the city, but this place was totally a countryside. Forest was only about four km-s away, but I decided to walk forward on the road to illusionary forest stripe in front. Actually, what at first seemed forest was some trees here and some in some other place, and mostly some houses near these little patches of wood. I walked and walked, it was getting dark. I met some young fellas on the road that still tried to catch a ride to Warsaw (probably locals), but they also had light reflecting sign. I walked still many kilometers, until finally said to myself that it is enough -  I just have to find some place however bad it would be. My sleeping place was hidden by hills from two roads and one house. From other house it was fairly hidden by some bushes. I really didn't like this first night in the tent because wind was strong and flapped reeds and bush branches against my tent - test of air, not like I thought, but still. Probably in future I get more stronger wind that makes even walking hard. Ground wasn't flat, as it was on the edge of some farm field, and road was so close that I feared that I don't get any sleep. But I slept. I woke up every few hours, because of paranoia that someone, maybe landowner, is coming, but especially because traffic noises and cold. But then again I survived. I didn't need a sleeping bag or matt. It is my kind of traveling that requires good amount of will power. When I called going to Jesus' place a pilgrimage, then this suddenly started to feel much more like the real thing. Walking, feet in front of feet, next step, do not feel the tiredness or stress or sunburn, just continue and free yourself from everything.

In the morning I didn't feel as powerful as last day. Sunburns weren't a problem like I thought, even feet weren't as bad as I feared (My shoes are really great for walking the long distances - look for advertisement some posts down. Shoes were great also on excavated walkways of Lomza today, as no pebble got into these), but shoulders and my palms that held tent and the food bag were tired and painful. Also because seeing sun in this day was at first quite a rarity I didn't have such (will) power as before.

In a new day, hitching a ride went much better though, and drivers got more and more nicer (I don't write cool anymore, as then someone might confuse it with coldness of personality). So in that sense, that when getting closer to Warsawa it got easier and more pleasant to hitchhike, Poland is very different from Latvia. Yes, in rural areas and also in Lomza I saw some discouraging gestures and some guys who  shrug the shoulders as the car would be full of people although they are alone and without any visible stuff taking the room.

I have best experience on this travel and second best on all my hitch-hikings (As when I got the ride to Viru Folk, about what I wrote in the past, was simply unforgetable). First of all, guy who took me to Warsawan speedway, made a little round because of me, and there I didn't have to wait even for ten minutes. But especially last driver was such an amazing guy as I finally found out. At first he seemed some ordinary businessman type, then my paranoid mind started saying to me that probably this guy isn't very happy because when he asked where I want in Warsaw, I said that anywhere is fine, but best would be the Center. You know, when you have a paranoid mind, then any one who talks the language that you don't understand, or times when you don't hear something well - these things start to seem suspicious. Anyway, as I already said he was the greatest. Well, he finally didn't take me to center, but still quite a way from his home to place where I can get to tram. That wasn't all of course. He gave me five żlotish to buy tickets and also gave me one of the best presents - a CD we listened in a car, about what I was curious who is singing as it is great polish music (it is his friend's band). Anyway, I learned a great lesson of not to judge people by their outlook, car, or even the way how they simply feel at first.

Oh, Warsaw is great. First big city on my way, with variety of both racially or philosophically/stylistically different people. Although Marek, my current host here, feels that blocks and houses of Warsaw don't fit together very well, I think it is at least best you can get in a country so lately been in the hands of Soviet Union. Warsaw seems basically what I have seen from plans and schemes about what Soviet Union planned for Tallinn too. For some reason, it happened in Warsaw, but not in Tallinn. And certainly Warsaw is best looking city I have visited so far. Even Stockholm, Berlin and Helsinki seem puny and unstylish in comparison, methinks. When I got to Warsaw, I think I really looked like some half-minded village person pretty much looking it all with an open-mouth. As well I could have written a sign saying "I'm from Estonia and I don't know what to do in such a big city". And in many cases I felt that people are looking me like I would be some hobo because of my dirty Kaubamaja plastic bag. Because of that I went today to find myself some bag made of cloth or cotton. I found really nice one that fits very well my shorts and overall style. It is not the biggest and because I found it at the edge of the old town, it wasn't the cheapest I recon, but I'm happy with that purchase.

Ah, and Warsawan girls are much better looking and nicer than ones in Vilnius or Tallinn. My first encounter was in this first tram. I had my ticket, but didn't see anywhere the place where to put it or what to do with it. So I asked from one girl. Actually at first just because I thought that young people know the english best, and because she was simply the closest one, but later I understood that I actually picked also the person who I liked most. And she really was nice. She smiled, talked very nicely and finally worried if I get to where I want to get. Then, when I went to eat (I chose a Kebab place, as in Italy for example I want to try Italian pasta and pizza, but Warsaw seemed like a good place to eat something Turkish), there was another young and very pretty girl who served me. She already really seemed as she would have fallen for me from the first moment. Sometimes she peeked at me from behind the corner, and she sometimes went to whisper with another waitress girl after coming from me. But, just to make all things clear, I don't have any plan to have closer contacts with girls here. For me there is now only one girl. She is really waiting me in Kenya already for almost a year and I have no plan to make something that would be unfair to her.

And I really like Marek. He is one of these very friendly Warsawians. We met already in city center, to go for a beer with his friends from office. He has bought me many beers and any other way shown the hospitality. His home is cozy and his friends are nice. I only feel sad that I can't meet his wife who is on the travel in Georgia now. We have had conversations with him on many topics and I have never felt as stranger or out of place. I feel that I should have made some present for him and his wife too, but I have such a limited money and even more limited knowledge of the city, so I don't know where to get something invaluable in meaning but cheap by price. But this is the life of hitch-hiking travellers and their hosts I guess.

Ah yes, I was talking about tests of the elements. Then there was also already small hint to the scary water tests coming in the future. Yeah, this time it only tried my psychology,.. made me fear. Already from the morning after this camping, sky was pretty much cloudy, but when I got to the speedway that goes straight to Warsaw, then sky was really dark and it was only question if I get to car before the rain or not. Anyway, as getting the car didn't take any time, I was safe in the car for about 90 km-s... 90 km-s that goes with the speed of 150 km-s per hour. So what after that... going to the rain? No I didn't have to, because just before the Warsaw, my luck smiled on me, or my faith and will payed off. Anyway, sun suddenly started to shine again. That is how it seems to be here. For example in the late evening sudden thunderstorm struck and ended soon and as suddenly as it started. But ride to Warsaw with a speed of 150 km/h in a road that still in large was one row road (for each direction) and surrounded by forests, shooting by the slower cars and dodging the ones that approach from other direction, this was quite scary. By the way, yeah what is interesting about Warsaw is that it is pretty much surrounded by forests (Marek said that three of four sides of the city is surrounded by forest), and when you come from northern Poland that was mostly empty farm land, then this seems surreal. When you are only a little bit away from city, it is hard to believe that there in the middle of this forest is a city housing millions of people, wide areas of very dense population and urban houses, especially that there are some skyscrapers in the middle.

Alright, this is all for this time and about Warsaw... tomorrow I will try to get to Brno in Czech Republic. I'm not going to Prague (what is especially sad, because I couldn't imagine, what is the old town of Prague, when already old town of Warsaw impressed me), because I get to sleep at Brno at the place of our friend David from Kenyan times.

Cześć (See you in Polish)

Love and ideology

Sorry that I haven't posted here for a while. I have been busy with many things. Thinking through my plans of going for Eurotrip, finishing things for exhibitions, creating my portfolio blog and just having some social time.

But today I wanted to write something. At least the poem I wrote last night for my sweetie. Anyway, some time ago I wrote her a message that we finally have more sunlight in a day, but she is my true sunshine through all the good and bad times. Few days ago she sent me quite a similar message where she said that she is watching the stars, that she loves all stars in the sky, but these are nothing compared to the ones in my eyes. I know... quite cliché, but it is still sweet and it created some kind of story in my mind. So this is it:

Sun and other stars

Spacecold land of night,

a spaceboy is alone.

He longs his sunshine girl

and sunshine land, his home.

And sunbrown girl looks

to the stars above,

to the stars with pale light.

They love, they miss

eachothers eyes,

they wish for a kiss.

And wish they aren't

like day and night.

In the end they must get together,

right?!

Few days ago it was birthday of my friend. It was weird. He had like two kinds of guests. Some couples mainly from Tallinn or at least not from Aruküla... he himself included (acting pretty much like already married couples), and then there were guys from Aruküla - all alone. But it was weird this time for me especially because now basically I am in commited relationship, I have someone... but then again, I don't in the sense that she aren't there with me. And although I am now taking this relationship seriously, I defended the idea of free men, when my friend's girl (who by the way is very young... I think she was 25 like my friend... but already has two kids... not with my friend... and still my friend is like a dad to these little girls) said that when guy gets 30 then basically he is late with all the relationship things. I even defended the idea of guys who change girls like their shirt... one day, one girl. I'm still convinced free lover proponent and believe that marriage has lost almost all reason in modern world. Yet, in my soul I wish I could already be back in Kenya, hold my loved girl, build a steady life with her and think about marriage and having a child.

Heh, that all now reminded me one thing. Today Katarina told that there were selfhelp books and other such literature very common in Nigeria. I said that in Kenya there was a book called "How to beat your wife". And then we talked how I and Jürgen-Kristofer, both artists, both mostly pacifists, interested of spiritualism and eastern philosophies and also as somehow our theme also went to Indigos, then Katarina also said that Indigos like us, of course wouldn't understand such ideology. Of course not, we wouldn't want to hit anyone and if it would be possible we even wouldn't want to step on insects. Katarina kind of ironically said that maybe sometimes also wife needs beating. "What would you do when wife won't obey you?" Jürgen answered that he wouldn't beat her and for few minuts didn't know what he would do, but finally said that he would just leave. And then it was my turn. My answer was: "I would love my wife more." Jürgen then changed his thought to the same.

Ok... I guess that's enough for today. It was fun and busy day.. a good day, (maybe because we walked the street down from Harju hill... by one guy this was supposed to be the "happy road"). Tomorrow maybe I'll write some things I said to them today about my beliefs and why I so well accepted when I was called Rastaman in Kenya. I finally cleared it for myself and found good enough words to verbalise it.

Aight.... have fun ya'll... make love, but remember, do it safe.

The real, real close contact with Africa

Ok, because sex sells, then in this chapter I will write how we got into close quarters with locals in Kenya, what we learned and felt. Mostly about my own things, but in some cases I also know a little what others from our group thought about it. Well, I'm taking it all together as shortly as possible, as there is really a lot to write on that matter.
From the start it was clear that in this half a year a lot will happen and that some of us will also probably have some pretty personal level connections with locals. Ok you know me, usually there is not much that I will leave personal. Like I already wrote in one of my first entries about Kenya, I even kind of set myself a goal to try out a Kenyan girl. Truth to be said, at my primary and highschool times, I always dreamed that in future I would get myself a black woman. Now I simply found this dream in me again. I really fancy black girls and now I also see some things in Estonian girls that I don't like at all.

Mating habits of Kenyan bound humans.But, surely all is not so black and white. First we had to discover how are these things in Kenya. Cultures are really different and christianity may also set some limits there. We may have to learn new strategies and ways how to behave. Even though I already had kissed Kate, things didn't evolve as I hoped. Already two months had passed, when one night we were in a pub, Sarah, Carlos and I. We started talking about how are social and sexual commons and understandings in both places - Kenya and EU. Cultural exchange. Although she isn't the voice of her entire people, we got to know some things... for starters at least. Later through practical exploring, we found out some more things. But yeah, at first it seemed that Kenyans are pretty conservative and back in time in some things. When we told Sarah about all the things that are quite common in Europe, even if just as sexual adventures... things like threesomes, girl on girl action, fuckbuddies, then Sarah was really baffled. She affirmed that most such things are taboos in Kenya. Later from some other people we learned that for homosexualism you may even get killed there. At the same time in Kenya polygamy is still legal and although most families are nowdays nuclear like in Europe and most of the Kenyan women would be damn angry if they would find out that their man is too liberal and even the number of children in families is finally decreasing. But actually it is widely known secret that many people in Kenya have secret lovers... even women. Kenya is the land of secrets. As Christians or Moslems they also expect marriage, but luckily at least we found out that this doesn't mean that you can't have sex before marriage. I explained to Sarah, that in Europe there is widely accepted philosophy - no marriage before sex - then also Sarah said that that she understands. But when we told that many Europeans even when they find their true love, are not sure if they want or if it even has reason for marriage, then that Kenyans wouldn't understand. Marriage is simply so strongly rooted that when in Europe or America guy in urban music sings: "I want to get jiggy with you", then in Kenya they sing "You are the one, I want to marry you"... something along these lines.
For Carlos and me seemed extremely funny how Sarah described how in Kenya two people who like each other get together. When in Europe it happens mostly by one kissing other... just pretty impulsively by following our instincts, then in Kenya everything seems like business with agreements and scouting etc. Sarah said that when someone is interested of other in Kenya, then they first ask his or her friends about various things and much happens with first asking things and pre-organizing. We laughed with Carlos, that it is kind of like you would have a list where you cross down things - So she likes me, ok... would you be interested of going out, ok, that one down... could I kiss you, down finally... would you like to have a commited relationship, ok score... and so on. It seemed so official and cold, that it seems like writing a notarial document - one copy for me and one for you and one for both's parents.
But actually, as I already said, things are not so black and white. There is lots of different people. For example, bigger the city, the more modern are also the people and how they are interacting. Same thing is with the wealth. Richer people, and therefore usually also more educated people have more modern understandings. There are of course special cases, but generally you can follow these rules to expect how some people are acting and interacting. Yet, it is not very common to do some things publically. Like kissing for example. Some people who see you kissing on the street, may just say yo to get a room. Or when we kissed with Kwamboka at the matatu station in Nakuru, then people cheered us like in American comedy serials. At the same time, when alone or among friends, they act pretty much like we in Europe. Also when having sex, there is not much differences. Ok, again, it is surely so that more modern people have more modern sex, and village girl probably has lots of taboos and traditional ways of doing things.
What I didn't understand even in the end is holding hands and touching people regarded, as in most cases it is taken just as signs of friendship. Even men may hold hands without anyone even thinking about the possibility that they could be gays. It is so ordinary that people have contacts in everyday life. Hugs are as normal part of greeting and saying good by as shaking hands or touching the shoulder or back of someone. Yet, sometimes it seemed that when you hold someone's hand, they do view it as a sign of affection. Maybe it is when single man and single woman about the same age are often seen so. But I can't be sure of it. Anyway, when in Kenya some rumors spread, then believe, you don't have any personal life anymore. But in this case I think Europeans have advantage of not caring much.

Anyway, I also wanted to write final evaluation of my things with my black sweethearts. For statistics I can say that when I was in Kenya, I now consider two girls as my girlfriends, and two girls as kind of stalkers. Finally I fell in love with another one and when I came back we got to know about eachothers feelings. So I can say that she is my third Kenyan girlfriend. I don't know how things will go, but I really hope to get back to Kenya and I really hope that our relationship will survive. Oh, and actually I had few more whom I really liked, but circumstances simply didn't let me to hope for anything. But statistics time is over.
Already in Kenya I started asking myself what I like about Kenyan girls or more specifically my girls? Or what caused the ends of the first things? What I have learned in Kenya and how are my behaviour models changed? Similarily to how I saw my living style and personality to fit very well into the Kenyan culture (maybe not from the viewpoint of Kenyans, but for me it was place to feel comfortably), when in Estonia I always felt out of place, same way it seemed that at least some Kenyan girls are exactly what I'm expecting from women. Although, it also means more problems, the way how Kenyans feel... I simply like it. In comparison, weirdly most Estonians seem conservative about how they fear to live out their feelings and dreams. Or maybe Estonians just have different feelings and dreams... certainly so. Even though Kenyan girl may sometimes show their affection in a weird way for us, at least they do that. Ok, also here we have some girls with hotter temperament and more courage, I have almost always found that then she has something else that I don't like or they already are in relationship. Some girls are too simple, some too difficult natured, many I don't like because of outlook, and here we have so many smoking gyals, some expect things from men that even don't fit with my principles, most can't enjoy small natural things of life, but are poisoning their life with lots of artificial pleasures, some girls curse, some just are not sure enough to have a proper relationship, some are too decked and arrogant, thinking that they are some higher league, some seem from the start as you would be better living in a pile of dynamite, some.. uhh, there is dozens of reasons for not wanting them. But in short time I found many girls who were close enough to my liking in Kenya. Although I came to believe that there wouldn't be future for me and my Kisii girl, I would even include her to this bunch. Second thing is that in Estonia I have really tough competition and therefore best girls just don't want me, then in Kenya, I can get easily pretty much any girl who is still free and maybe even some who aren't. I'm absolutely desired there. In Estonia over same long period (half a year) I can see maybe few looks from what I can read "interested", and then they usually don't make any moves (yeah, yeah, I know... girls want guys to make a move... but I want also girl to show some reason for me to want her). And also, actually I too found more feelings in myself and lived these out more... and I like that. In Estonia, where people are more passive and don't dare to do many things, it also seems weird for me to be such a guy whom I want to be. One day I saw a latino carneval dancers and their music band in Tallinn and I just felt that I would like to dance, but how could I, when others there refuse even when they are invited to join. It is a fucking daytime supermarket entertainment. Estonia is weird place with lots of fear as our cultural thing. We are cold, not showing out our feelings and actually inside suffering because of that. Or maybe I'm unique among my people, as lately I have started to sing wherever I want, to make some dancemoves, just jump with joy or whatever, as I don't care... I want to live like this... emotionally.

Kate and I (first four months of Kenya)

Even after all that happened with Kate, after suffering the sadness because of that story, I still like options in Kenya beter than here. Hell, I would even try again with Kate if I could, rather than have an Estonian girl. Moreover, with other girls things were much better. I still don't know what happened with Kate, but from our local friends and later from my other Kenyan girls I got to know that all Kate said about traditions and politeness was just a putoff. Even my too young stalker was more initiative and giving (I always had to impede and forbid her) than Kate. And my Kisii girl was often so venturous and liberal that in times I alredy felt a bit uncomfortable (but actually I started to like that) and started to doubt if I am a proper match for her after all. Sometimes I still regret my eventual decicion to leave her.
And still I don't say anything about my current girl. Abwatin inye (I miss you in Kalenjin). I leave her into mystery. I think right now only few of my friends deserve to know about her. I don't know, maybe I will write about her only after I have returned to Kenya. Wish me luck for that.

Kwamboka and I (remaining two months)

Anyway, I'm thankful for all the experiences... even for these with Kate. I have got a lot of new understandings about myself and girls. I found out what I desire. I found out much more... many things really universal.

Lets do it like they do on Discovery channel!Parental advisory - you may want to explain your kids about decent use of such words or reasons why some are not very good at all. Some Swahili vocabulary:
He/she is pretty - huyu ni mrembo
Would you like to do something (tomorrow)? - Unataka kupanga pamoja (kwa kesho)?
Will you go out with me?/Would you be my darling? - Utakuwa mpenzi wangu?
Would you like a drink? - Unywe kinywaji?
You are a fantastic dancer - Wewe ni mchezadensi mzuri sana
Can I accompany you to your home? - Nikusindikize kwako?
Can I take you to my place? - Twende kwangu?
I like you very much - nakupenda sana
Do you want to come inside for a while? - Unataka kuingia ndani kidogo?
I think we are good together - Nafikiri tunafaa pamoja
Can I kiss you? - Nikubusu?
Kiss me - Nibusu
I want you - Nakutaka
I want a pussy - Niaje na mikingo
Lets go to bed - Twende kitandani
I won't do it without protection - Sitafanya bila kinga
I like that - Napenda hiyo

Easy Lion! - Tulia simba!
That was like a dream - Ilikuwa kama ndoto
See you later - Tutaonana baadaye
I'll keep in touch - Nitakuwasiliana
I'll miss you - Nitakukosa
Are you seeing someone else? - Umekuwa unatembea na mwengine?
He/she is just a friend - Yeye ni rafiki tu
We'll work it out - Itafanikiwa
I don't think it's working out - Sidhani inafaa
I don't want to see you ever again - Sitaki kukuona tena daima
Prostitute - Malaya
You are a bitch - Wewe ni jahili
Pussy - Mikingo/Kuma
Penis - Mboro
Bollocks - Makende
Asshole - Mukundu
Fuck - Tomba
Suck - Nyonya

DJ is a Lion.. Lion of Zion

Ok.. I promised to write about party. Actually there were two, as next day after Maailmamustrid, was the 30th birthday of my old friend. I must say that first time I have felt completely fine in Tartu. That even though it is fucking cold here. But like I wrote in facebook when advertising the party, we will heat up the place.

So yes, now I have finally performed as an professional DJ. It was really good and I should have had that courage already earlier. I got lots of experience. Certainly, first set was not very good, but every next one was better. People seemed to like. Although I with two other DJ's were playing in downstairs smaller room, when main party hall was in second floor, then Martin, my friend who is resident DJ there, said that sometimes down there seemed to be even better party feeling. Well, our room was smaller, so it felt sometimes full. Yes, I wouldn't complain, it was really great.

As vanity is my favourite sin, I have to say that hopefully I got little bit more fame now. Well, as an attention freak I certainly got a needed dose again. BTW, it is interesting how DJ profession has an effect on social life. Like Kudrun said, DJ is for everyone, everyone feels some connection with the performer. Like with famous actors, everyone wants to get to know the DJ. When some random guy goes to talk with a hot girl having good time in the party or with some group of people who already know eachother, then it is quite likely that they think: "what this guy wants", but as a DJ I can go to talk with anyone and get accepted. Some girls really seemed interested of getting to know me personally, it was seen from their eyes, smiles and actions, and in these two parties I think two, certainly one showed her interest of me. I too liked that last girl, she is so pretty and seems cool. I didn't do anything stupid.. at least not yet. But it was first time when I needed to put all my strength together to resist. I shouldn't do that to my gyal.. even though she is so far. Or.. I don't know, three years is a long time to wait and she doesn't have to know everything. I really love her, but still, I would like some closeness with girls until I get back to Kenya. Ah, better not to think about that right now. If I don't think, then I don't have to think twice. Well, now is this point where all my readers can comment and advise what should I do, what would be healthier. Then again, I think everything goes just as it goes.. either I have righteousness in my mind or desire.. and my mind fights between these two.

Ok, back to parties. I think I and Ma'Irie, one another DJ with whom I played together, made a good team. I really would like to play with her again in the future. We were about same good at the profession and our music selection fit really well together. Other DJ was little bit different and well, not so experienced, as he really put together music from side to side with really different speeds. But even he got people to dancefloor, so why not, it also gives more experience to him. I'm not perfect yet either. For example I still can't mix really into the rhythm like Dave does. Or well sometimes, when I really know the music and with little bit of luck, I can do it, and actually I have few times done it. Anyway, when so far just practicing or in these private parties, I have felt a little bit insecure and felt that things are bit over my head as I might forget things and track ends too quickly and hundred other things worrying me, then at this party I really felt good. I didn't worry at all. I went with the flow and that was what made that party good (exactly like Simmo said).

Also other party rocked. Yeah, it was rock party.. but this also means that it was very different from the Maailmamustrid. And true, at first it was harder for me to get myself going and connect with others. I'm not so much of a rock guy as I was. Of course this virus is still somewhere in me and I know how to enjoy harder music, but somehow especially after Africa, I have found that reggae and other exotic music makes people more natural, and I like it. I like myself more in that kind of mood and also all the people, they are just like a one living organism to whom DJ pumps music as blood. So I felt in Maailmamustrid, it was almost like going back to Africa for these few hours. I wonder if people from parties like Maailmamustrid; do their personality choose their musical interest, or does the music they listen create their personality. They really are more free than most Estonians. Ok, still I see some reservations in all Estonians, for some reason people are holding guard over how freely they move/dance/interact, and they tend to hold some personal space or mingle among the group, but hold some distance with others. Even when people get drunk and they start talking with you and basically let you into their group, it rarely happens that next morning you can call to them, or they call you. This is what happens so easily in Africa. Ok, even Kenyans are not absolutely open to socialize with anyone, but it still happens much easier there. In parties you really can find friends over night. Hell, you can find friends everywhere, just visiting post office or shop.. or even on the street. Africa really is hot and ice melts quickly there. This is why people who stay in Africa are changed. They find what humanity really should be, what meaning the brother and friend may have. At least for me it was so.

Also I wanted to say that I tagged this post also as work, because performing as a DJ was in one side work. I got paid, not much, but still. From the other hand, this is best profession. When playing music and seeing people to have fun, it just gives me such a power. Money at this point doesn't even matter.

Kisii

Actually this headline should be Kisii girl. All I know about Kisii is because of one girl (well, two if I count in one of her friends too). I have to say, that I don't know almost anything about Kisii, but I want to believe I came to know this girl. I weren't together with her much, as she lived in another town, but she was basically like an open book. She was honest and she practically didn't have any secrets to hide from me. Quite a my type of girl actually - with a good heart and soul full of special feelings. We got close, but for some reason I still always felt that something was missing. If you have read my previous chapters, then you know that I was madly in love before her and got badly burned when this last girl left me. Kisii girl had some medical degree, but sure is that when I was with her, then she couldn't heal my wounds. So you see,.. something was missing, and because of this I finally left her. Now I'm heartbreaker myself. I think it was even worse than what Kate did to me. It did really hurt her. Now I hate myself for doing this to such a special girl, doing the same for what I cried for month or even more.

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Kisii - true story, first thing what I heared about them was that Kisii girls were supposed to be better in bed than other Kenyan women. And yes she was amazing, but I don't have any other experiences from Kenya to compare with, and after all it is such a wild generalization to say that one tribe is so and others are like wooden logs only spreading the legs. Other thing what was said about Kisii, was that their women are also more powerful - they have personality and they don't let men to rule them. I even believe this, although it could be said that when yes, she was like that, it may also be just because she lived in bigger city where people was generally more modern.

She was more modern than most other people I met in Kenya, she was more modern and liberal in every way. We did crazy things, she was a party girl, she doesn't care what others say or think. Maybe she was perfect, but I needed love and that I didn't feel.. and in the end I didn't see it coming from anywhere either. Other guys from our group said that I'm crazy, I get best girls, but none are good enough for me. But if I can't trust my own feelings then what else? I really feel bad about it, but I guess I deserve it. I just hope that she will get ok soon and won't ignore me forever. I hope I can win back her trust and that in the future we can be friends. It was actually her who once said that what ever happens between us, we should be at least friends. Maybe she didn't think what I may come to think or feel. But I still hope I will be forgiven.

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Like I said, I don't know much about Kisiis. Their national foods are matoke (vedgies, cooked banana and some meat if I remember correctly) and sweet potatos, both that I really didn't like. And Kisiis were supposed to be best witches, that actually would be cool. So, not much, eh?!

And one painting done by me; with the same name, Kisii girl. Click on it to see bigger version.

Kate and Sarah

Followed by translation to Estonian.

10.02.2010

(Things have changed a great deal since I wrote this text. Both Sarah and Kate are very different from the view I had about them then. And I really fell in love with Kate and lost basically all interest for Sarah)

When we had on arrival trainings, then at one evening there was proper welcoming party organized for us. We singed and danced local traditional songs. And biggest part was giving flowers to everyone. To each European, one local was assigned to give over the bouquet. For me of course it was set Kate. They already almost have wed us.. it seems. And although I don't know exactly what that song meant that they singed at the time when she gave me flowers (because at the time of giving over the flowers, others singed different song every time.. usually somehow connected with the person), but even this seemed to hint to something. At the end of this evening we kissed publically.

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But last days I have had second thoughts again. I like Kate, but actually first I got interested of Sarah, and sometimes I feel that I like her more. I feel that maybe I’m fooling myself and Kate. Yes, also Kate is super beautiful, but still, I’d have to say that I don’t feel quite right with her. When I hold around her, when I kiss her, yes of course I feel good then, but then again, it seems just like relieving my desires. At the same time, when we look for some time into each others eyes with Sarah, then it feels much more special. And now, Sarah’s statement that she and Carlos are just friends, brought these questions to my mind again. But actually, for me it seems still that there is more between them.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kate ja Sarah

10.02.2010

(Asjad on kõvasti muutunud sellest ajast saati, kui ma selle teksti kirja panin. Mõlemad Sarah ja Kate on hoopis teistsugused sellest nägemusest, mis mul tollel ajal neist oli. Ja ma armusin tõsiselt Kate’i ära ning põhimõtteliselt kaotasin igasuguse huvi Sarah suhtes).

Kui meil olid saabumisjärgsed treeningud, siis ühe päeva õhtul korraldati meile korralik tervitus pidu. Me laulsime ja tantsisime kohalikke traditsioonilisi laule. Ja suurim osa oli igale ühele lillekimbu üle andmine. Igale eurooplasele pidi üks kohalikest lilled üle andma. Mulle loomulikult määrati Kate. Nad on siin meid põhimõtteliselt juba paari pannud. Ja kuigi ma ei tea, mida see laul tähendas, mida nad sel ajal laulsid (sest iga kord kui kellelegi lilli üle anti, laulsid teised erinevaid laule.. ja tavaliselt olid need laulud kuidagi selle isikuga seotud), aga isegi see tundus millelegi vihjavat. Selle õhtu lõpul me suudlesimegi Kate’ga täiesti avalikult.

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Aga viimastel päevadel on mul jälle kahtlusi tekkinud. Mulle meeldib Kate, aga tegelikult ennem huvitusin ma Sarah’st, ja vahel on tunne, et tema meeldib mulle isegi rohkem. Ma mõtlen, et äkki ma lollitan nii Kate'i kui ka iseennast.

Jah, muidugi ka Kate on super ilus, aga siiski ei ole mul päris õiget tunnet. Kui ma tema ümbert kinni hoian või teda suudlen, siis muidugi tunnen ma ennast hästi, aga samas tundub see vaid tühja ihade rahuldamisena. Samas kui me Sarah’ga mõnda aega üksteise silmadesse vaatame, siis selles on midagi erilisemat. Sellised küsimused tõi mu pähe uuesti Sarah väide, et tema ja Carlos on vaid sõbrad. Siiski, minul on küll enamus ajast tunne, et nende vahel on midagi enamat.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kuigi ka välimuse poolest tundub Sarah mulle huviäratavam, võin ma öelda, et nad on võrdselt ilusad. Aga neil on väga erinevad iseloomud ja omadused. Sarah on üpris vaikne ja tagasihoidlik, aga väga hooliv ja nummi. Tema naeratus, mida ta tihti näitab, on uskumatu. Vahel on ta ka mänguline, aga teisel ajal võib ta muretsev ja endasse tõmbunud näida. Ja ta oskab flirtida.

Kate on rohkem energilisem ja impulsiivsem ja ta on küllaltki tõelise Aafrika temperamendi esindaja (mis muidugi üldsegi mitte halb ei ole), aga tema näiteks ise eriti lähedust ei otsi. Ma ei saa öelda, et tema niimoodi hooliv ja nummi oleks nagu Sarah, samas aga tundub ta otsekohesem ja ausam. See otsekohesus aga samuti muudab ta vahel igavamaks.

Kas ma peaksin rahul olema sellega, mis mul juba olemas on, või on vale oma südame häält mitte kuulda võtta. Täna isegi, kuigi Kate oli samas meie kõrval, vahtisime Sarah'ga eriti pikalt üksteist. See on tõeliselt väljakannatamatu.

Fairytale gone bad

This entrance is sadly only for Estonians, as I just don't have a heart to translate it. I fear I can't do it without losing some feeling from it. At least not now.

See on mingil määral nagu lugu uinuvast kaunitarist, aga nagu öeldakse.. pahaks läinud muinasjutt.

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Kuidas see kõik nii on läinud? Ühel hetkel oled seitsmendas taevas ja siis hakkab kõik lagunema. Reaalselt oleks ma pidanud mõtlema, et temaga koos olek ja kõige plaanimine, mida ma plaanisin, on hullus. Selle asemel aga minu pea ütles mulle, et täielik hullumeelsus oleks sellest kõigest loobuda või ilma jääda. Nüüd see aga ongi nii ja seda on lihtsalt hirmus taluda. Maailm värvus täiesti hallidesse toonidesse. Pidevalt on tunne, et see pole päriselt. Ei ole ju? Ma näen lihtsalt õudusunenägu või mind polegi. Ma olen elusoleku ja surma vahepealses maailmas. See pole isegi põrgu, sest seal sa sõidaksid igaviku bussis läbi tolmuse, kuuma kõrbe mööda olematuid teid, ahmides olematut õhku ja vihates seda, kuidas inimesed, kaasa arvates sulle lähedased inimesed on su ümber, kuid sina ei saa nendega rääkida ega neid katsuda. Sa ei näe korralikult isegi nende nägusid. Kuid see maailm on veel hullem. See on tühi, masendav ja samuti iga sekund tundub liiga pikk aeg.

Ülimalt raske on endale tunnistada, et nii see nüüd ongi. Mitte ükski hullumeelne plaan ei lähe täitmisele. Vähemalt mitte nii nagu oli plaanitud. On raske teada, et ma teda igavesti mäletan ja armastan, aga ometi on ta mu jaoks kadunud. Mäletada ta täiuslikke kehavorme - näojooni, peenikest hulluks ajavat kaela, kohta kus rindmik rindadeks üle läheb, saledaid jalgu ja pisikest tagumikku, neid juukseid, millega mul nii palju tegemist oli ning siledaks raseeritud kaenlaaluseid. Rääkimata tema naeratusest, häälest, iseloomust, suudlustest ja hellitustest. Ma ei saa enam kunagi teda maitsta ja ma ei saa kunagi temaga alustatut lõpuni viia. Nii raske on teda näha ja nende mõtetega võidelda. Isegi teda nägemata tulevad pisarad silma.

Ma olen alati väga valiv olnud. Alati varem on miski mulle iga tüdruku juures puudu olevat tundunud. Või siis ka üle olevat. Esmakordselt leidsin kellegi, kes tundus igati terviklik ja sobiv. Ja ka tema tundis midagi sellist. Kõik toimis. Mõeldes, kui kaua selleks aega läks ja kui keeruline see oli, tekib tunne, et on üpris lootusetu uuesti sellise juhuse otsa sattuda. Südame alt läheb külmaks selle mõtte peale. Varem oli mul arvamus, et mu süda ise on külm ja nüüd on kõik vastupidi. Ei oska ilma armastuseta olla. Kuid lisaks sellisele egoistlikule kurbusele piinab mind veel kurbus tema pärast. Mida tema siis veel peab läbi elama? Kuidas saatus saab vahel nii julm olla.

Red, red wine and no woman, no cry

I haven't yet posted anything in may. It is mostly because I have started feeling that it is weird to write about things that are many months old and also felt wrong to write something new having blank for some past months. Still, today I felt the need to write about current situation. I can even forget about some things in my notebook written about me and Kate. This thing is now quite surely ended. I have worst days here. I cried today in the morning as I really fell in love with her more than to anyone ever before. In Estonia I thought that I was in love, but now I see, that it wasn't anything compared to this. For many years I saw this girl every day, I was so close to her, and yet I didn't do anything. I never told her about my feelings. And now I didn't care even about the facts that me and Kate are from countries so far from eachother. I didn't care that coming back to Kenya and living here would be very hard for me (and I still want to come back here and build a house for myself). All the time there is thought that I just can't be without her. I went crazy from love but something was still greater than love. I even don't know what, as Kate won't talk. I just know that she was limited by something.. she was afraid. I still believe that she really felt something for me too, but something came between us. It is really hard to accept that I have lost her. So now I'm drinking red wine and trying to avoid sadness. I don't know what to do now. I need another girl, but I'm afraid that then I always think that she is just a substitute to Catherine and I would feel bad. All the time I hope that she would come back.

It is quite ironical actually that when I left Estonia I had a mission in my mind to seduce an African girl and then later leave her but now everything is other way around. I had no idea that I even could fell in love so deeply. I thought that my mind is too realistic for that and my heart too cold, but now I'm like crazy. I just couldn't accept that everything is over. There is only hole in my soul. And in the future I will sometimes remember and feel the sadness for what could have been. I really don't understand why everything went that way. I wanna know the reasons. And for remaining two months I probably stay hoping for something and therefore feel the grief.

Bad boys and bad girls aka. More Fire

31. January

In the last post I wrote how I had a little yearning for my people. Today Estonia and even friends seem like a dream I saw last night or even like a fantasy story. As good and unreal as the stories about the dragons. It seems simply impossible that somewhere there is snow on the ground. Mariann asked from me if I would believe it if she would take a snowball from the pocket and throws me with it. She has a good imagination. January is ending, it is evening and still it is hot. Well yes, right now we are also on lower ground than usually. We thought that it would be great to travel a little bit in free days. At first we thought again about going to Kerio valley, and hike to the bottom, but locals said that it is too dangerous without car, because there is some wildlife. Therefore we decided to go to Kakamega rainforest reserve.

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But first I continue from yesterday’s happenings. In the morning we went to Huruma, where we had this awaited first football match. It was a really amazing game. We started with very intensive offence. Pushed on really hard during all the game and opponents weren’t bad either. Final score 1:1 was satisfactory and it seemed that also opposing team was happy with that. So, on the sport we showed ourselves from good side from the beginning. By the way, I bought myself proper football shoes from here. These were used, but very good and cheap. Thanks to that I got to run really fast on the field, but I also made one incredible fall (because I’m not yet used to these). I had a wrong step when I tried to pass the ball from side to front of the gate, as the chance to score from that would have been almost certain. But instead I made an somersault and bleeded my hands.

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Afternoon, lots of locals came to visit us and they made the food for us instead of Caroline. Lots of chapatis. Later we went to club. Well, it wasn’t really a club in our sense, but at least we got to dance. First real African bashment. After some wine I and Kate were the first to go onto the dance floor, but immediately more people started to come. With a little time party went wild. Could say that Kate and I, we are a couple now. Can I get closer with Africa? Of course I can, and it is possible that we’ll get there, but then again I’m still not planning to bring a girl with me from Africa. Yet I wouldn’t say no to moving to Kenya myself. Climate is good here, people nice. In Estonia I can’t say that I’m much of a favorite of girls, but here it seems I can get prettiest girls easily. Kate told me that I’m beautiful and many times people said that I dance good, and I believe they really meant it. I think here white people can be really successful in everything. More successful than local people and do it more easily than in Europe or America.

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Today morning we finally went to church with Caroline. It was terrible. Only funny thing was that pastor talked how small things distract us from God and belief. I would have liked to say: “Words for example, not to mention the big things like church.” Belief is in our heart/head and we can’t even express it verbally very well. And you may argue against me, but I think that if God exists then it is everything and knows everything.. even your thoughts. So you don’t have to go to church to find it, and you don’t need to pray to communicate with it. It was so much talk and singing, but at least for me it didn’t say anything. After the tormenting and awkward churchgoing (because naturally I didn’t go along with any prayer or song), we bought a tents, went home packed things and then to Kakamega. This trip got to be more expensive than we thought, but it is worth it Rainforest is beautiful and cool. It sings and here are lots of different butterflies, monkies and dragons :D

We arrived to camping site, but we don’t stay in tents as we planned, as bandas (little round houses with thatched roofs – traditional architecture here – can really be found everywhere in rural areas even these days) were for some reason cheaper.

Although we had only little time until the sunset, we went to little walk to find Isiukhu falls. Finally we got to swim. Our way back was mostly in pitch black, but as you can see, we didn't get lost. In the "kitchen house" near the other bandas, we met a nice French couple (Slim and Laureen) who talked a lot of interesting things. We prepared the dinner, improvised some spoons (as of course no-one remembered to take these with us) and now we wait for drinking water to start boil. It should happen any moment now.. although we have had the same thought for half an hour at least.

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In the morning we wake up early and go to serious rainforest hike.

Ongeza moto! – more fire!

Ukuapi? – where are you?

Ngoja! – wait!

As I alredy wrote I didn't go to Viljandi Folk

..but then again I was at the Viru Folk, that is less known. Don't even know if it is smaller anymore, but anyway, it is held at the smaller place - Käsmu. Käsmu is a beautiful village on the north coast of Estonia. Absolutely perfect place for such a festival. And as one of my relatives (I normally call him oncle) has a seamuseum there, and as I haven't been really anywhere this summer, haven't even got into the water yet, I decided that it would be good to go there and relax from the ordinary life at home.

Of course I went to Käsmu by hichhiking. Although I could have tried to go straight by smaller roads, I chose to go way round by Tallinn. I knew that hitching a car at the outskirts of Tallinn would be easier (but how easy that was.. about that soon). And I wanted to buy shorts and somekind of lightcoloured summer shirt. That's why I did that 50 km's round. First part from Aruküla to Tallinn was ordinary. Then bought needed things, and finaly set my steps to Lasnamäe (outer eastern part of the city). I was already walking the highway, but as still in the city where cars don't stop for hitchhikers, I walked on. Suddenly I heared a signal behind me. No, it wasn't anyone I know. There was a big black Dodge SUV (similar to those what are used in american movies for secret agencies), but from the front window I saw some young people to wave me. So I went by, and I couldn't have been more surprised - they asked if I'm going to Viru Folk. I have got on to car only moments after rising my hand, but it has never happened to me that a car stops before I even get to hitching. Moreover, Madis, Timo and Heili were my prime companions through these three following days. They were really friendly. When we got to Käsmu they even feed me with the salad Heili had made. Timo and Madis had guitars with them, so it was really good time singing with them, and Madis, as a guy who had roots in Saaremaa (that greatest of Estonian islands), had good share of humor too. They even asked me to go to Haapsalu with them a week later (that is today), where is August Blues Festival, but well, as weather is quite rainy and my cash is also getting out, and I still have six drawings to do for Kudrun, I will pass that.

These three days were perfect. All the people there was so friendly, and all the time it seemed that like we would have all the time in the world. I even didn't have to buy tickets to concerts as my uncle gave me the pass for the entire festival. So I got to see and hear much more good bands and musicians than I hoped. I even had lost hope to get to Kirtana Rasa's concert (one of my favourites and one of the prime reasons I even wanted to go there in the first place), as it was one of the few taking place indoors (and in the quite small hall too), and therefore only those who had the day or entire festival pass, get there. Again, lucky me! Kirtana Rasa was absolutely magical.. in both literaly, as some of their music is Indian raagas, which have healing and other powers.. and magical as these were just like fairytales. Their music was so beautiful that it brought shivers on my skin and a little tear into eye.

Another thing that I really wanted to see (and yes this time seeing was absolutely as essential as hearing,.. not that Kirtana Rasa would not have lost some of its magic when I would have just heared it from the CD), was the concert of Ichitaro - a Japanese drummer. It was unbelievable how fast and accurate his movements were. He didn't have a shirt, so every movement was seen in his muscles.. just amazing, not just but.. oh, I don't have words. When the concert ended, I went to personally thank him, meaning I got to use a little of my Japanese language (well I have forgotten most, I even couldn't say what's the clock in Japanese when he asked me that before the start of the concert). Ichitaro has been in Estonia already many summers, and he said that next year he is coming too.. so perhaps for the next year I re-learn it.

To others who don't know.. alittle strange fact. Probably you know how some cultural traits are tending to be present in the places that historically don't have absolutely nothing to do with eachothers. Like how similar are ancient Egypt and Mayans. Same way Estonians and Japanese have amazingly similar nature of people, some culture (for example ancient Japanese houses were more similar to Estonian ones than any of European, Russian or even Scandinavian ones.. for example, I don't remember exactly was it Japanese Emperor or some other important man, who visiting Estonian Open Air Museum where old peasant houses are preserved and old commons are introduced, got tears into his eyes and said that Estonians and Japanese must be somehow related), and Japanese Shinto belief is much closer to our animistic belief of forefathers than the Scandinavian polytheism, and as much as can be compared, Estonian warriors were as proud as Japanese ones,.. and japanese as many as I know, always feel almost like in home in Estonia, they learn our language more quickly than even Russians here, and when I learned japanese, I too felt some weird similarity to Estonian. Ok, that's that.

Back to Folk then. Then there were these nightclub parties in first of which Kudrun's boyfriend Martin was the DJ. Especially his party was total success.. house was filled with dancers, and he too got personal thanks from few, one even got his contacts to call him to some other party to play. I have yet much to learn about DJ work.. soon I go to visit them in Tartu, then I let Martin to give me some pointers.

Second night was somewhat more boring. For some reason, most people was outside on the balcony. Heh.. most time even I (singed with my new friends). Well, for some time I went to dance too, but certainly less than in the previous night.. in the first party I danced all the time. Unlike most others, I don't fear going straight to the dancefloor and dance even alone. I even like so.. I like not to ask a girl to dance.. at least not at once. I like to make girls to desire me first, to lure them to me, to see which one of them is confident enough to get acquinted with me. And that is how it went. At one time I decided to go out to breth some air too, when suddenly one really pretty and energetic girl took from my hand and said: "don't go away". Now she's in my head, and damn.. I don't even remember her name. Only thing I know that she learned German in the same university as me. Ok.. in some sense it is relief that she disappeared, as I still feel that my secret crush is too strong to fall for any other girl.

After the party the sun was rising and at the beach everything seemed perfect (should count how many times I have already used that word). Now it truely felt like time has stopped, because there was not even the slightest windbreeze and therefore also the sea was like mirror. 5 o'clock in the morning I went to swimm and when I got to the tent I still couldn't sleep. So I found that behind the museumhouse, there was really early lecture about the history of Käsmu and the nature around. By the way every morning there were some lectures. Second morning I listened lecture about the swords, the history of Estonian warrior culture, and the alternate cultural aspects and importance of the swords.

Päivä on nuori niin kuin vastasyntynyt. (Raapana - Finnish great reggae wisdom)

(meaning: The day is young as a newborn child)

Still I got few hours sleep on every morning, and although in the evening I had to drink wine with lots of coffe to not to fall asleep (remember, remember this formula; normaly I don't even drink coffee, but coffee and sweet red wine together are really good), I was all the time quite full of energy and good feelings.

Oh, and I met two new relatives.. in both cases in a pretty weird circumstances. No more comments on that. And I ate even raw fish with sour cream, sweet garlic, tomatos and potatoes.. of which the raw fish is normally absolutely off limits for me. So, only thing left undone was the conquering of viking longboat that sailed around the bay there.

Until the next hitchhiking trip!

Love you all!