About love, sex and feelings

Who says that lust is just physical is greatly mistaken. Think where lust comes! Answer to that is, that it comes from your head - from signals that hormones give to your brain, to be exact. So, lust not only isn't opposite of feelings, it is one of the feelings.  Every sex has, or in my opinion, should have lust in it. Casual one night stand has both emotional and physical attraction too. At least for me it has been so every time. Not to mention crushes, that i have felt like most of the time. When you have a crush, it doesn't mean yet that you love that person. Crush is very superficial. You can have a crush when you don't know the person, but can love only person that you know quite deeply already. But still, you feel lust when you have a crush. And same way you feel lust when you fall in love. To be honest, i think without lust, love starts to fade very quickly. And without feelings any sex would feel empty and boring. Even when i have a one night stand with a person with whom i don't want to have anything longer lasting, i still want it to happen because i feel some closeness and even feel some fancy. Already when main impulse to start flirting and trying to get other one to bed, is their fine outlook, it actually means your emotions lead you to actions. It means you like him or her. Its not like you would just want to get it over with because you had some physical itch or need. If there is such guys or girls, then yeah, you shouldn't give in for them, but otherwise i think that casual sex without any anticipation to go into steady right away, is totally fine and acceptable modern day social behavior for both men and women. Sexual experimentation is fun and in my opinion direly needed thing before settling down with someone, or actually also after that. And everyone quite so often need some closeness and feelings to their life. Honestly i don't know any other thing that allows people so much feelings as sex, even if it is just one nighter or only quicky. If you are not total jerk you will care of your sex partner from the start. It is not just you in that bed.. or wherever you do it. It is so true that ego should be left out from even the most random sex. Otherwise it can become quite a bad experience for any participant. Anyway, sometimes that care you felt, remains even if your paths will be separate (you can become friends for example), sometimes not, but it is a fact that you had emotionally heightened state while you had sex. And sometimes it can lead to steady relationship and to love, but at first you shouldn't think ahead of yourself. First try out how other person feels and just have fun, and let things go their own way, because if you think that you hold yourself for the one and only true love and finally think you have found it, you may be surprised how much tension it could bring. Not only will you be total noob, your actions may leave your loved one to feel like you are not on the same page or she/he can even feel harassed if you suddenly start to talk of love from the day one. Love doesn't happen in a moment. Sometimes love grows very slowly and sneak into your heart even if you don't acknowledge it at first. The way to love can go over rocks and through all kind of hardships before it can finally become the life of two people (or well, why not three or four.. i'm not condemning anyone's philosophy, culture or religion in that matter). So yeah, people, be free and don't be afraid of emotions. Aren't that the kind of contemporary day or future we have fought for. Hereby i thank with a deep bow all the hippies for sexual and intellectual revolution.

The irresistable force meets unmovable object

Right now I don’t continue with my European travel entries. I owe You my story about girls, about love and passion, fails and harsh things that people do, etc. Basically it is a backlash to my stay in Kenya and some things that happened after return to Estonia, but still were so much about Kenya.
As I have also wrote here, I went to Kenya with the idea in my mind that I must take every opportunity and adventure that Kenya has to offer (well... my kind of adventure means no safari animal viewing, but some other things). Kind of as a part of that I planned to try out an African girl. Pretty much as soon as I got to Eldoret, I fell in love. Well, I actually didn’t plan to fall in love. My idea was just to try out a beautiful local girl, but you know how are feelings – they just happen. At first I didn’t even admit that I was so far with my feelings. I even didn't know whom I really like... Kate or Sarah or... basically I even had feelings for one girl in Estonia, and before leaving, I kind of promised myself that when I come back I will finally say my feelings out. But over time I understood, that it is as clear as a fact, that I was now suddenly deeply in love with Catherine (Kate), my first girl in Kenya. I just knew that I must break the promise I made to myself in Estonia about this other girl. I started thinking, what now? At that point I already knew that I like Kenya, and I don’t even care about any downsides of this country and society. I didn't care that I will surely miss some things from my home. I started thinking out a plan how to stay or come back to Kenya. For the irony of fate, at the same time Kate started to cool down in relations towards me. These were extremely weird times. I didn’t understand at all what was going on. Kate had lots of secrets. In times she said that she likes me, sometimes even showing it out. At some other times (increasingly often) she simply started avoiding me and behaving weirdly towards me... kind of like someone would have turned her against her own wish away from me. For a long, I tried to find out the problem and fix it, but finally Kate saw that only way was to break up. I was devastated. Then I really started searching other girl just for getting over Kate.

I met Kwamboka in a danceclub and in many ways my story with her was much simpler. We got together, had fun, had sex, and I got closer to real local life than with anyone else. at least in the beginning it was without any complications for me. But I weren't completely happy. First of all, I must say that she didn’t deserve what I did for her, as at first she got to be my rebound girl (she also finally got to know about it), meaning she had surely more serious feelings than I (Although from time to time I have thought that I actually felt more than I let myself to believe... I was still hurt by last loss), and secondly I left her because of another girl, another Kenyan girl, saying everything honestly out to her. This all was so cruel to her, and I appologise for her, but again, I couldn’t have done it differently (I couldn’t had resisted her and I couldn’t have lied to her in the end... and same way as I couldn't had resisted her, I couldn't have resisted this another girl). And still, when perhaps in the beginning she really was just to relieve my pain from last ditching, then after some time I really started feeling differently about her. Even if not love yet, I started liking her and us together, as there was a passion that pretty much was missing from my story with Kate (at least in a way I would have liked it). Yes, there were also some things that I didn’t like about Kwamboka, things that made me unsure, and I guess, these things got fateful in the end, as the girl to whom I really fell again was exactly what I didn’t find in Kwamboka. Or at least so I like to think. But as I said, things were complicated in a different way. For example, our relationship got physical very quickly, but we were already separated by some land in Kenya, as she didn’t live in the same town as I, so basically maybe when we met it was too intensive in some ways. Then again, I still liked what I had with her, and I really started liking her. I liked to go to party with her, I liked when we were camping with her friends, in general I liked her friends and that she included me in things she did with her friends. I adored her beautiful body and how normal she was in the sense what a European man expects from modern girl, I liked to have wild sex with her and I also liked to have just soft caressing moments. Basically first time in my life I felt that I have really good, normal, working relationship with someone. She is even such a girl with whom I can imagine myself living together. But it seems it wasn’t enough. For really pointless small things I felt that she isn’t yet the right one. Things like this same partygoing nature of hers that I also liked. I asked myself why I don’t like when girls in Estonia are going clubs... and finally I felt that I like when girl is joyful, adventurous and likes to have fun, so I wouldn’t be always bored with her at home, but I also wish my girl to take life more seriously than she seemed to. But this was wrong answer. I even can't say what is the difference, but when at first she seemed maybe even too much European like girl, then now I would say that I simply knew her too little time, and actually never saw her so said everyday side. Another thing,... I also just happen to like very dark beauties, and as she was quite light, the dark skin of my third girl just drew me as did her simple warmheartedness. Not that I would say that Kwamboka was not to my liking and cold. No, in contrary... I already said that she was beautiful and nice, but just at one moment I was attracted by another girl more. What can I do?

I never even kissed my third darling (well, only to cheek), because I was in that sense true to some ethics. I wanted to say to Kwamboka first, that it doesn’t work between us, and yet I couldn’t do that before leaving (I was too much of a coward or maybe unsure of myself). It was two days before leaving Kenya, when I understood that my feelings towards that third girl are too strong for not to even say it out. I didn’t say it to her then, but only some time after my return to Estonia, but I think we already understood about eachothers feelings for some time, as we just were together as friends quite a lot in the end... and there were signs. Yeah, I think I weren't sure of many things. Also with Kwamboka I finally broke up when I was already in Estonia... when I came to understand that my heart feels too strong feelings for third girl. But just a little bit later I said to my best friend that I actually have come to love both of these girls, and although in Kenya polygamy is legal, I'm sure, neither of these girls would accept me being with both of them. Actually I think I’m more of a traditionalist (one woman man) myself too... only my feelings are split to two and making it even more difficult for me. How can you choose a love. But I had to choose, and I did. Actually Kwamboka made it easier for me, saying that she removes herself from that triangle. Yet, I know, that feelings of both of us still remain. And, I am sure that I would have made that same choice also myself... I would do that choice if I would get another chance. My love for my last sweetheart was just so great. And that said, it is even sader now.

Anyway, let it be said out now (now when this thing seems to be over), that third girl was Betty, who was a good friend for quite a many from our group there. This was really crazy thing. Those few of my friends whom I still haven’t told about it, would be now pretty shocked (so if any of you read it, then sorry for everything... not telling you and I don’t know what else), as she was engaged to be married. But there was irresistable attraction between us... from both sides. It was already quite the end of our stay there... maybe two weeks before we had to go, or three... anyway, most of our group went to coast for second time, to say goodby to divine Kenyan beaches and good life. Helen who stayed home with me, wasn’t actually home much, but with his Kenyan boyfriend (if I can say so). So I felt lonely and was looking for some company. There wasn’t much choice for me – one friend I had in Eldoret was Betty. So I called her, that perhaps we could meet and do something. Basically it seemed that it took no time at all from her to come up with a plan. She said that lets meet in town, and then she wants to take me somewhere. We had already been in her home with most of our group and she took us also to one nice place with a waterfall, but nothing is more special than her plan then. She took me to her country home, where was her own farm, farm of her grandma and also farm of one other related family. I even didn’t know that we go so far away, meaning we stay over night. Total surprise and such an honour for me. These days I felt like among my own family, and in these days I got a crush for her. As I said, I held it secret until I had left and weren't even sure if I ever should say it out, although I had already seen signs from Betty that maybe she also feels same towards me. Actually on second day at countryside there, she even proposed that we can stay another day at her farm. First night she was at her grandparents place and I at this farm of other relatives. So, you surely see what this means. But how ever tempting this offer was, I had mixed feelings. Well, because in this morning she also said to me that she is not sure anymore about the marriage plans, and because at other waterfalls we visited this day we clearly flirted, so I already was pretty sure that the reason of doubting about marriage plans may be me, but still, I weren’t sure yet if I could take that blame on me, and also thing with Kwamboka. Or maybe I even would have, but additionally, I didn’t had toothbrush and condoms with me (as I already said, I had no clue where are we going or what could happen).

But more I thought about it the more I fell in love with her. For long I wondered what to do and at last, when I was already home and had been away from both girls for some time, came to conclusion that if she anyway has doubts about marriage, if she had got a crush to someone else, then she shouldn’t marry, no matter if it is because of me or not. I also found that I need to know what she feels about me and I need at least to say my feelings out to her... maybe I have just imagined these signs I saw, maybe it was something else and we wouldn't anyway have a chance together. Well, I talked with her and she affirmed what I believed. She said that she had got a crush on me even earlier than I did, and saying that she doesn’t know what to do now. She waited answer from me. What other answer I could have given. Now I didn’t care at all about this other poor man of hers. I said, that if you doubt, you are not probably ready for marriage, but the final decision is only yours and that should come from heart. And against all odds, she chose to hope to get together with me again.

I would say that I have never had better girl, but how much I actually know about her. I know that I like what her mind was, a little bit about her personality. Her honesty and simple nature, and that flirtyness I saw, but I absolutely discarded everything else... things that I can’t find out just with little time together in Kenya when we even weren't yet together as a couple, or later through phonecalls and e-mails over quite long time. I just hoped all best. In that sense Kwamboka would have been absolutely more of a sure deal. But again I must say that sometimes it is hard to fight with your heart... you don’t listen your mind. Actually realistic thinking would have said to me that it is pretty hard chance to get back to Africa anyway. And still, I hope to get back there, now only it seems that I don’t have any of these girls. Although yes, like I wrote in my travel stories during Eurotrip, also Kate started calling me again. She even asked when I’m coming back, showing clearly that she would want to restore our thing, but this time it was me who started avoiding her, and now she ceased her tries. I just wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore. Even if she would tell me all the truth, why she left me in first place, I wouldn't be able to trust that she actually loves me. And moreover, she showed that she can close into herself and hold so many secrets from me, that I think I would never be able to have a normal life with her, where she would trust me in almost anything. No, with this girl I better stay at the safe side now.

Yeah, for a year and a half we hoped for our thing with Betty, but now suddenly and again painfully for me it is over. Actually this time it is painful for both of us, as reason for the end of it, is just unfair and cruel. Almost entire december I have tried to call Betty, but calls were always canceled. I started thinking that maybe she fell for someone else. Africa just is full of feelings and it is hard to control it. And Africans generally are impulsive. But it wasn’t so. I sent a message that at least I want to know the reason and that I keep calling until she is tired of cancelling the calls. I thought that maybe just like Kate she fears to say out what is on her mind. So today, after almost week of trying to call her and many messages, she answered with a message from someone else's phone, and it was even more painful for me than I had believed possible to be. It seems that finally her dad got to know the reason why she cancelled the wedding. Her dad got angry and said that he doesn’t approve me. He took Betty’s phone away, probably hoping that I just give up if I don’t get her to phone for long enough time. For Betty, family is important, that I know, but still I don’t understand how Betty’s feelengs aren’t equally important for them. Anyway, Betty said that she is sorry and this probably is the end of it.

Oh damn... so far, even foresensing something bad, I didn’t shed a tear, but today it hit me hard. How can it be that someone’s family has right of say over feelings of their daughter, knowing it will break the hearts of both her and her loved one. And damn again... when some of Kwamboka’s friends and also her mother showed same reaction towards me, then she chose me over them. She left home, and at least then she left also these few friends who didn't understand her feelings. Well, I don’t blame Betty for not doing same, but it is still hard to believe that she would give up so easily. Now I just think all the time what to do. Should I show more consistency, adressing some messages also to her father. I don’t believe it can work. If I would have my own appartment, I would make Betty a proposal that I would buy her a plain ticket to Estonia. I hope she shows out her loss as hardly as I do, so that finally her dad would see that our love is honest and not some simple affection that goes over, that we are fighting for it, and that he is just hurting her... and me (about that he of course wouldn't care, as I offended him by first destroying wedding plans he had made, and then by keeping this all secret from him). Again I’m so struck by that, that I just can’t accept the loss of her. I really love her too much... and I believe she loves me as much. But traditions in Kenya are strong and such man as him, have lots of pride. If I only would still be in Kenya.

So this is the whole truth about me and my girls in Kenya. I dedicate that to Festus, who writes often about men and women and their relations and how it should be. So basically this is in what sense I would argue against him. He said that women should be careful of men who don’t take them seriously, women should be careful selecting good independent men, and he really categorizes men. I would say that our hearts do things that are almost out of our control, and I would say that neither men nor women should be ashamed of that or condemn such occurences. I have always believed that people should take their life more freely. We should have also simple sex, we should have failures from what we learn, and we must have great passionate love that would fight with hardest reality. Even holy man Dalai Lama says that love and cooking should be approached with foolhardy devotion. That is what I did in all of these three cases, and I don’t think it makes me a bad man who just takes advantage of girls and destroys their to be marriages. Love and enjoyment are basically in my view what people often search the answer for: what is the meaning of life. Even if I get hurt, even if I get deeply burned by desire, I take it and look later back to my life with satisfaction and happiness, as I did everything I could. Even most world’s religions liken passion and love with God. By the way, anyone reading this, tell me what to do... what can I do?

No man should have a power over woman's mind and life - not father, not husband, not priest and not even a king - women should have free will as we all.

About Coach Surfing

http://www.couchsurfing.org/
First I will say thanks to the staff of Coach Surfing, because what you do, makes world a better place. It has also helped me a lot on my travel now. Though, there are things I want to criticize about. First of all, there is lots of people there who have certain expectations from their guests, whereas most of them say that they want to meet different people and/or have open mind. A lot of them want you to send a personalized message to see what kind of person it is they host. Ok, I would understand about security reasons, but actually I haven't heared any stories of any dangerous or any unwanted moments anyone have had. I am pretty sure, that most of them simply select someone with whom they feel some emotional security. But if you want to meet different people, you actually shouldn't select and understand that everyone is not the same as you. Open mind is not when you wish your guests to do some wrestling, like was expected by few guys who answered me in Venice area. Open mind is when you can accept people as they are. I can say without making any secret that my open mindedness is in some cases limited, because I have some certain principles that I want to hold true to. Anyway, if you understand that there are also different ways of travelling, then some people can't plan much forward, and must send lots of requests only few days before arriving their target. That means it is impossible to write personalized message. I make my further travel plans usually just two-three days before. Idea to go to Rome came impulsively. Until now, few days before leaving France, I still hadn't chosen what road I will take after Barcelona... south, north or straight for Madrid. Sometimes hitchhiking goes really badly and I wouldn't get to my host in the expected time. But this is my kind of travelling. Hitchhiking is mission for me.. I really want to make a point with that... send some messages (about that I will write later). Also I understand when host to whom I don't get in right time, can't host me later, but I simply can't write a personalized message about why I chose this person. Actually I don't choose... I let fate choose for me, and then I will see what I can do with that person or what to learn from him/her. If you really want to select, then please, I always send my blog adress in request, so if you want to learn why I maybe could be interested of meeting you, then I think my blog gives enough answers - I am really interested of DIFFERENT people. I don't need to meet someone who is copy of me or my friend or who likes to do same things as me, or even have same principles. I don't mind living few days after some rules I find weird, or even have some easy dispute of things. Don't fear that I would impose my will or beliefs on you. I have feeling of decency and tolerance. Also, reason to send lots of copy-past requests is because as a guy, I don't get answers to every one of my requests, and especially in touristic areas, lots of requests get declined, because they already have someone on the coach. You see, to get one or two positive or even maybe answers, I just have to send dozens of requests. Anyway, if sending copy-paste requests would be something unnormal by the principles of CS, there wouldn't be templates. I understand the request that traveller would read through the profile of their possible host though. I even do it usually just for my own interest. Also for coach requesters absolutely first most important thing to do is to fill their profile, and when you do that, give possibility to really see your person behind it.

Ah yes, I also disagree with the idea of some coach surfers, who say that most important thing about CS is the connection and mutual interest between host and surfer... to meet the people (and usually they even say interesting people to them). No, CS was created so that travellers can mutually help each other, making it easier to travel for all of us. Sure, this doesn't mean exploiting the host by traveller. But anyway, this site should forever, ever retain its prime reason. If you are wise enough, then you see it even written in the name of the site. Meeting nice and interesting people, to have a connection, and/or having some other gain of interest, is secondary... although usually it happens anyway. For example, I have had really different people I meet through the CS and in one or other way I really enjoy meeting them. I always learn something new. Even if I find that I don't fit with some of them at all in a personal level. Like I said, some go even so far, that they write what they expect from their guest. Ok, if it is explanation that guest must leave early with host, or don't contact me if you are allergic or vegetarian or something, but some say for example something like I am partygoing and like to meet some people like me. It is in some way very similar to say that I don't host Jews. Can't you really be together with some conservative, who is fairly tolerant to select your company, or some quite silent bohemian dude, who likes to say something more intelligent than you say yourself. A lot of guys also write that they host only girls... some also explaining that they have had bad experiences with guys. What the hell, how can you have bad experiences hosting all the guys?! It is so transparent that you are just trying to get some girl. I would even understand if girl specifies that she prefers to host women... just for privacy or security reasons, but right now using the option to specify the preference is mostly used by men. Moreover, they just don't prefer, their only certain choice is that they host only women. It is said when you are signing up for CS, that it is not dating or social site, per se! If you are really open minded, then you even don't care about possibility to have somekind of bad experience over some time. You always look something also from these. Well, I wouldn't say that I have had a bad experience, but something not best either. I was hosted by this gay guy as I wrote in the last entry, who tried to talk me to have sex with him: "Why you travel like you travel? - To have an adventure, to experience new things and learn... maybe you just haven't done it... you don't know if you like what you would experience without experiencing it." I explained that I don't want to learn that... this is not what I expect from adventure. I already learned from that conversation something. Something about myself and also about him. And although entire evening I was a little tense, as something like this has never happened to me and I felt weard to be under the interest of the gay, additionally I feared to make any unwanted signals, and therefore I felt that I can't be as free and friendly and close as with some other guys. But if this day would be again and I would know how it goes, I would still go to be hosted by him. Not only because it is free place, as actually one guy in Rome showed me also one hostel he said to be free (it seemed weird place.. and I don't know, maybe it was homeless shelter or something like that, but I could have stayed also there freely).

Ok, I said that it seemed especially weird when these guys in Venice area expected me to take part of some wrestling... otherwise they don't host. Usually I like when my host would offer different possibilities, because I as traveller don't know the place and options. But this wrestlemania is pure harassment. They really aren't normal. If someone would accept to host me, and asks what I like to do, introducing that we can go to swimming, or go out to Judo Dojo where he goes to wrestle, then sure... I even maybe would select that option. Also, there should be some understanding between host and guest. I think if host is tired, it is unthinkable, that guest would seek a way to go to party, and vice versa. Sometimes it is understandable, that host can't introduce you the place, but it would be just stupid then to expect that your guest goes out then to leave you in peace and have a good time alone in a strange city. Usually, when my host wants or has to be at home, I also prefer to rest there. Of course I try not to be disturbance then. Mutual respect and understanding is main thing.

Road to Roma

After some consideration I decided that I really must go to Rome. Otherwise I would always think that I was in Italy, but not in Rome. You know, once Rome was a synonym for Europe. And when already on this way, I should also visit Venezia/Venice and Firenze/Florence. Just as a remark - I prefer the placenames as they are locally.

So Venezia - what about it? Basically I can't say anything about it. Yes I got there, but as soon as I arrived, I also left. Some ask if I didn't like it, but truth is that I even didn't see enough to make my mind about it. I saw channel full of dirty water, lots of tourists, and over the first houses the towers of famous old Venezia. Truth is, that I don't like sightseeing so much... at least not as most of the people do that, and I already had an image in my mind about Venezia as something where wouldn't be much for me. Without local friends, without connection to local life, I feel that cities are empty, however beautiful they would be. Even true abandoned city would be more interesting for me. And yes, to Venezia or any other place nearby, I failed to find a host through Coach Surfing. Actually I understand, as these places are such a tourist magnets, and people there got so many requests; But this doesn't mean that my feeling would get better from knowing that. I still felt hoplessness and loneliness, adding to the travel stress. My stay in Udine had already stretched from few days to six (by the way I am very thankful for everyone in Udine who helped me - to have a place to sleep, to get over of this loneliness and boredness, for everything). So,  my next beacon of light and hope was in Firenze. A guy named LEonardo, who is over fifty years old and accepts lots of coach surfers at the same time, said that he has a place for me for one night. That is actually reason why I hurried away from Venice... to get to Firenze in this day. Anyway I had already lost a lot of precious time, trying to get away from Udine, as there is no good place to hitchhike. Would I had only known how will be the night, I would have still stayed in a campingsite near Venezia and gone to walk there.

I didn't get to Firenze in this day. When a car driver left me in Bologna, I didn't understood, in how bad place to hitchhike for Firenze I was. Next day I saw that there was still entire city to walk through, before getting any chance of stopping anyone going out of Bologna to south. In my oppinion, Bologna is nothing special. And I was so late there, that I even couldn't get any idea where I am or get some food. Only thing I saw, were roadside prostitutes. How much different from them am I? I too try to catch a car... not to earn money, but to get a free ride. I just don't use my body for that, but my traveller's nature.

Finally it was already too late and I gave up hitchhiking, and started looking for a place to put my tent. I planned to get to the hills that were behind the city. Only problem was that I didn't know how to get there. There were highways on my way. I did something crazy. I walked a long way on the highway, crossed it few times, walked even in the highway tunnels (well anyway it was dark, but tunnels, even though they had lights, seemed still darker and more dangerous. I did it to find off ramp somewhere at the other side. But in one tunnel there was an emergency exit, so I used this instead. I was so tired of walking and not knowing how to get to the hills, so I just went up to the roof of the tunnel and placed my tent there. It is definately craziest place I have slept.

Initial agreement with Leonardo of Firenze was only for that night, so next day I still went to Firenze without having a plan. At first I walked around my heavy bag on my shoulders, but finally decided that I should ask from Leo about if he knows any cheap place to camp and also eat. But Leo sent me answer that I can come to dinner at his place and he also knows a place for my tent. that place, as I finally discovered was on his very big balcony (I was thinking that maybe he has a garden, but balcony was good enough for me too... at least not on top of the highway tunnel), and finally I got to know that actually he can even host me for two or even three nights and that in following nights I can even move to bed. Best about that was that during this time I had a lot of company (like I already said, he hosts many people from different places, making international and intercultural contacts). Altogether in the same time as me, there were five Americans (really cool people with whom I didn't have any problem to find a common ground), a couple from UK (they stayed more on their own, but I still had chance to talk with them, and I still liked them), and one guy from Korea, who was more secluded as he didn't speak so good English. And in the last day came one couple from Argentina. This (meeting all these other travellers) finally made my stay in Firenze interesting and good time. At first I walked around a little bit, looking the amazing architecture of the city, but I still wasn't like everyday usual tourist, as I stopped a lot to sit or lay down somewhere next to one of the touristic attractions, drinked beer or ate pizza, watched other people (usually "running" from one place to another to take photos and I wrote... I wrote a lot. On this journey it is clear that most of the pictures I make with words. I was even so unusual, that one older man, who quite clearly was a tourist too, made a photo of me sitting next to the Duomo and writing as there wouldn't be one of the most known symbols of European old architecture beside me. Actually I would say because of that, that this man was a unusual tourist too... he too found something else to capture, than Duomo beside him. Second day Leonardo took some of us to little tour - some churches with mediocre art, a nice park of the palace, and Fiesole town on the hill next to Firenze (that was already on my list of things to visit in Firenze), from where was fantastic view to the entire city. In the evening I went with Americans to look for the party, we didn't find anything very good though. In the third day I went together with Leo outside of Firenze to CS barbeque party. This was really nice - really good company (first time I really felt that I communicate with Italians) and very good food. I got stomach really full. Ah yes, by the way, In last two days we cooked foods of our countries. In second evening Britts cooked together with Korean guy, and in third evening I together with three Americans. In both days we had really great dinner. So I felt that these two last days I ate and drinked all the time. But anyway, about this CS BBQ was also great thing that on the way there, Leo showed me best place to go to ask for a ride to Roma, and thanks to that I got the ride to rome in only few minutes. And when we came back from BBQ, we came another way, where I saw really good different views of absolutely charming Italian villages, small towns that had houses built storey by storey, so they looked like house built on top of another house? and usually they were about four-five floored, creating weird town on the hill side. More... nice farmfields separated by cypress strips, an old castle, beautiful roads with these amazing mediterranean pines on the roadsides, and also one of the nicest industrial zone before Firenze, because buildings were from red bricks, like from the beginning of the industrial era. Anyway... big up for Leonardo.
But then time came to leave... for all of us. I joked, that it feels again like being a soldier - at first we were rookies, having some hard time to get used to some Leo's regulations and life there, but with every day it seemed easier... Leo softened, and in the end we were veterans, welcoming new ones and knowing that it is our time to go forward. It was in one side really hard to leave others (all others went somewhere north but my road to Rome continued south), but I was also waiting to get to Rome and even anxious to see what new adventures life brings me. Somehow I knew, that on the coast I will find something different from what I had experienced so far (but lets not get ahead of things).
I entered Roma,the great city of legends and miracles, from east, and in two days I walked through Roma from one side to another. But Rome didn't welcome me with greatness. Eastern side was industrial park and wasteland and then some ghetto kind of suburbs, one worse than another. Just before getting to centre of the city, was worst part of it - really smelling maze where I even felt insecure, as there was lots of poor black people, Indians, Pakistanians, et cetera. Some homeless people looking even worse than in Estonia. Actually Even Center with great monuments and architecture from both ancient times (or actually mostly ruins from that time) and revival period, didn't seem anything especially amazing. I would prefer even Firenze and deffinitely Wien or Klagenfurt, that really were beautiful places. In my oppinion, Roma is too bad mix of everything.
Of course partly it was also fault of short time stay and nature of how I felt with my host. No, nothing extremely bad... if I would find him in CS, I would still write him a positive refference. It was very hard to find a host in Roma of course, but finally one guy wrote me. He said that if it doesn't bother me that he is gay, then he can help me. I sent him answer saying that if he understands that I am totally straight and I have a girlfriend, then everything would be good. So I got to stay at his place, and actually for a sightseeing people he would be probably best host, as he knows everything about Rome (he works in a hotel), and can tell about even symbolics of things. Well in Rome I really was like a tourist, trying to see as many of these monuments and places as possible with this short time. But problem was, that actually even though what I wrote to him, he thought that maybe he can change my mind. He said, maybe I just don't know what I want. But then after my explanation that I surely know that I simply am attracted by girls and couldn't enjoy having sex with a man... that I know that even without trying it, the same way as he simply feels that he is attracted by men... and when I explained how much I love my girl (I didn't even say to him, but actually even though I have had a lot of enticing girls on my way, I would even feel bad when I would cheat my love with some girl with whom I really would like to have sex), then he understood. He respected my choice totally and was still nice towards me. And he still teached me some things. Like really efficiently washing my cloths. I only hope that he also learned something from me. But yes, as he said that he is too much attracted by me, I can only stay one night and in the morning I'm on my own.
In the next morning I visited some places where we went in the evening, also in the daylight and went inside to few churches. I also planned to go in to the Pantheon, but somehow in the rush, I forgot that. You see what moving and thinking like a tourist does. There was also exhibition of paintings of Tamara de Lempica (one artist by whom I felt influenced a lot for a while... and certainly still one of my favourites), but ticket seemed too much and I didn't go there. Now I'm bit regretting my decision. But in general, Rome seemed dead city for me - of the new parts I don't care and old part is in ruins and lost its glory.
Quite different matter though was Vatican - holy citystate inside Rome. St; Peter's Basilica really was a masterpiece of art. When some old religious art in the churches I had visited, has pretty much sucked, then there was everything perfect and grand. Really appropriate for the centre of the Catholic, even all Christian world. I really even felt something spiritual and because of that feeling I stepped inside the praying room, where I prayed in my own way. First time in a church I didn't care that my beliefe is different from Christianity. But like one Krishnaite guy when he tried to introduce me his beliefs in Tallinn, and then I said that I already have my own beliefs, he said to me, that no problem... God is still the same, we just believe it differently. So I prayed for me and my loved one, so that my journey would take me back to her, and I gave my thanks to the God for everything. By the way, this same evening something weird happened. There was some buzzer flying to my ear and when I weved with a hand, my fingers got behind my rasta necklace and ripped it broken. How is this possible... even with force human can't break this plastic thread (you know, what fishermen use) by bare hands. So I took it as sign that God maybe accepts my kind of belief , but shows that then I also don't need a rasta necklace (as I have always said that for believing, Christians don't need a church or even ceremonies and praying, as God anyway know everything. Also from Vatican I sent postcards to my girl, to my family and to Kudrun, because she likes to collect postcards sent from travels.
And after that started again the road. This time road away from Roma. But about that in a next entry, I give just a hint that my feeling about Italy gets somewhat better and I really start to love Via Aurelia - modern version of ancient road. Just as a reminder for myself I also write here to look about other ancient roads like Via Apia, and what has come of these in modern times. But no more hints, this would just ruin the fairytale. Oh, there is still so much to write about Italy and I'm now already in France and after few days probably already in Spain. Of course I also was in Italy longer than any other country on my travel (over two weeks), but still, I have already same as much text written in my journal about Italy as about all the other countries together; This means that when writing here I have to do some selections and shorten it all the time, and lately I don't hav much possibilities to use internet for long time enough. But I always try. No worries, be happy! Ciao tutti!

More awesomeness

Ok... in last post I didn't write much about Klagenfurt. It is really beautiful place surrounded by mountains. Yes, actually there are some really great mountains. And there of course is the Worthersee lake, surrounded by tourist attractions. Even though there is not any great place to dip yourself in, it is actually best place to have a wonderful look on nature around. Lake has light greenish blue colour that so well mixes together with woods and mountains.

And even though I don't like sightseeing, also walks in the old town are nice. Klagenfurt is much smaller than Tallinn in Estonia, but so much grander by look of it. Old town is full of people, amazing old architecture, plazas, parks, fountains and sculptures. Even new parts of town seem well to fit into the whole picture.

Wolfgang, my host there found that Klagenfurt is boring, but I had as good time there as in Vienna. Like I wrote to him in Couch Surfing - friends, beer and ice hockey or pop quiz in Irish pub, this is what's good time for me. Ok, there should be some place to go for real party too, but still it is not overly boring place either. Not places itself, but people make places special. That is why I instead of looking around try to get into normal local life, even if I have only few days for it. And I try to get to know as many local people as possible. I hope for random encounters. It was actually one day when I was sitting in park in Klagenfurt and writing. I hoped that someone comes to talk with me. Even just few words would do. But no one came. Well, there was one girl walking around in the park and taking photos of everything. Probably not a tourist as she took photos of treetops and bushes and many photos of same thing. So probably more of a American Beauty type of artistic photographer. She took also few photos from behind of the fountain, where should also be me. So I started writing of her. She taking photos and I writing about her. Kind of poetical and romantic actually. I noticeably followed her with my eyes, and she came quite close by, but past without neither of us saying anything. Maybe she hoped me to call her, but then I felt that maybe it would be bad idea. Lots of couples here make me wish for a girl to hold around too, but then I always remember my sweetie and think that it wouldn't be right to her.

But of course I still met one very enticing girl. In the last day we went to this pop quiz finally, because of what I actually was in Klagenfurt so long. And Wolfgang invited also two girls from Slovenia. One of them was so charming, sweet and funny, and actually I even gave her possibility to take contact with me. I even don't know if I'm strong because actually I haven't followed desire for now, or weak because I have so many enticements. Probably still weak, because if opportunity really would rise with such a divine girl, then probably I would give in, and that would be a mistake, as I never wouldn't forget my real love. I don't know who would get hurt, but probably someone.

Ah yes, actually I wanted to write about pop quiz. We needed a name for the team. Wolfgang proposed "Kaksteist kuud" (twelve months in Estonian) what he had heared from his friend, but noo... that would be too sick, when they say the names of teams. So I put the name "Archive of Awesomeness" instead. Yeah, we got a awesome name, that suited us, but there was another team with sick name - "Jedi Aholes". So it got a goal for me to won that team, but we didn't. At first we did good, but there were some things on what we got confused. So, when we left the pub, I said with a loud voice: "But you can't win us in awesomeness".

Now I'm actually already in Italia and I haven't missed my girl so much as now. I have also a little stress from traveling and some sort of a culture shock maybe, but Italy is already theme for next post, and hopefully for that time I have already got better feelings too.

Greatest thanks to both of my hosts (Hanna and Wolfgang) and their friends for amazing time in Austria. I will regard you always as good friends and hopefully we'll see again. Love!

Heart far far away land

Few days ago was my first time of hitchhiking in this year. It was good feeling to be on a road again and feel the nature around and wait for uncertainty of some stranger to pick me up. I'm now very anxious to get to my Eurotrip. Yeah, I'm going away again soon. I don't make many plans. Yes I'm preparing a little, and basically set goal to get to Spain, but only God knows if it goes so. If fate has different plans, then I may also end up in some other place. Anyway, somewhere in west I try to find a job and I know that also Spain has lots of problems with unemployment, but I still hope, as I'm tired of pedantic, serious and cold natured nordic people. I just can't stay in Estonia anymore, even more because I simply don't have anything to do here.

I printed myself a T-shirt where is written "Traveller looking for a job or host" (My sister said that it is good idea and Kudrun agreed by saying that I'm canny). Shirt is very nice and smart - black shining text with a really well chosen good and hip shrift on pure white. I also bought new shoes today. Finally I found exactly what I was looking for. It has been very hard to find something as good as my old Converse Weapons were, as suddenly all shoes have changed into either too flashy or too simple. Also new shoes have weird bottoms made of simple rubber and at least it feels that the way how it's just glued to the shoe, probably these shoes can't perdure for long. Fuck you Vans... these are no good shoes for anything - hiking, skateboarding, parkour... and they simply lack the style. Converse Weapons were the real style and durability in one package and could be weared pretty much everywhere, doing whatever (only need football shoes for stadium), and now I think new ones from Cropp (http://www.cropp.com/), model CroppRXI, are good new quality. Well at least what I already know is that they are comfortable and because they also look pretty much the same as Converse Weapons, at least for me that means they are stylish. But by looking the work quality, I am quite sure they also last. I still have some things to buy before going - a small pillow - exotic looking if possible - Indian for example, headlight, cheap hair cutting machine, as now I'm getting slowly used to my short or pretty much non-existant hair and I just can't let myself to grow into caveman on this trip (I still would like to get my hair back sometime in a future, but for now I will be bold)... same cutter will do also for my beard... small things like notebook, toothpaste, etc, but otherwise I'm ready to go. Even this warm-up hitchhiking gave me good nudge for courage. BTW, it was pretty cool because guy who picked me up was true modern cowboy/hillbilly. Yes he had a big offroad car with satnav system, and he was dressed in checkered flannel shirt, a jacket without sleeves, moustache and almost-cowboy hat. He even had such character that you really feel that this guy is some serious country fella. And he listened old music from radio Elmar (and you can hear quite a lot of country music from there), so at some point an old LADA car turned front of us, then I pretty much was carried to past... to the independence days of Estonia. Not that I would be much of a nostalgy lover, but this was really cool moment. Anyway yes, I'm psychologically already prepared and willing.

This day when I hitchhiked I met my best friend forever (not very my style to say so, but it is true), Kudrun, and she said that she can't believe that I'm going away again. She said that although she has always believed that I belong to the road or far-away lands, but it is still unbelievable that I'm going. But after reading a draft of following text about how much I miss Kenya, Africa, or actually even any southern place where people smile and are not drained by life as we here in Estonia, she also said that she doesn't understand how I survived this winter. I have to say that it was one of the two of the hardest winters in my life and it demanded a lot of willpower and other mental survival strategies to not to give up. Oh, don't worry about me now. Actually I know that I always come through even hardest of hell and when sun shines again, it helps me up again. I have always said that there are two things sure about me... when even I don't know anything else about myself surely, then at least I know that I don't give up on life and I don't turn Christian. Ok, now I ain't sure even the second, as I thought that who knows, if I live rest of my life in Kenya with a Christian woman, then perhaps even I can be turned to this path. But sure is that in past I have actually thought about suicide, but I simply couldn't do that. So I changed my thinking. I changed my belief. Now when everything is shadowed I just turn my face to the sun and go on. I have learned to help myself and know that there is nothing hopeless... if things have been bad for a long time, then I simply have to look for any kind of change... sooner or later comes a success again. Now I believe into holiness of life. Not as most religious people do, but more because giving up needs only strength for one last time, but when you carry on, then you start to see the miraculous, wonderous world and finally you obtain that trait that I admire most about southlanders - optimism and positive attitude towards pretty much everything. I have often heared Africans to say when they are asked what is the secret to their constant smile (and of course not a fake smile like my mum thinks): "We are happy, this is just who we are." Maybe I will never be entirely like them, although I experienced that this positivity and optimism is very much "infectuous", but even if I will be gloomier and more serious than they, I want to live in a society where I'm pretty much only guy like that. Even if there is ten or hundred other people who are serious, tired and bored, it would be improvement, as in Estonia I see only "dead" people. In Estonia, smily faces in everyday life are so rare that when you see them, it is not enough to load my batteries and it is not enough to get a smile onto my face too. I have said that I'm like solar battery - when sun is out, then I have energy, but additionally to sun also people's emotions and general surrounding beauty have great effect on me. This winter was even so hard that when normally reggae music makes me feel happier, in this winter there was a period when all reggae, dancehall, even soca music seemed either sad or annoying false happiness. How could I have felt so. Because I miss something so much that it actually feels I have a hollow place inside me... there is something missing... a lot is missing.

In the beginning of this week was a volunteers trade fair here in Tallinn, and of course I along with other volunteers who had their service outside of Europe, had to talk about this experience. Truthfully, even though I'd like to share my tale, I simply have felt that it is mission impossible. Only one who has understood a little about what it really was, is my grandmother, and to her I have shown pictures and talked about it already over half a year. So now I have felt that I don't want to make people understand our experience (they never will unless they go and live it through by themselves, but what I want is to get back there. Well ok, this was actually what we were supposed to say to these people who listened, but still it felt that they can't hear what we say. Come on, I say that it was such an intense experiense and I want to get back there... for good... how can't you relate to that message, how you don't understand it. But I know, before going, I was also just obsessed of Africa, actually I would never had taken seriously the idea of working to gather the money to move all my life there, to marry an African girl and do whatever there for living. It just sounds so surreal. But now it is only truth I know. And I say to you who think about going to such voluntary service, that sure go, it probably will be amazing experience, but you must also understand that leaving may be hardest part. Before going I was sure that I like this experience, but I couldn't have had idea of how much it changes me.

Have I wrote in my blog that I miss Kenya? I don't remember speciffically any post, but I believe I have done that already many times. Even when I write that I miss my friends there or my sweetheart, then actually it means that I miss Kenya too, as they without Kenya are nothing. Well, this time I wanted to make sure that people would get some idea how much I miss Kenya and what it feels like to be right here now, thousands of kilometers away from that paradiseland. Ok, first of all I must say that I know Kenya has many bad things too and probably when I get there, I have lots of days when there is only routine and maybe even stress from hard time when I try to set up my life there, or feeling of idledness in some days, but as I wrote a comment to the photo of one of my friends, that was named by another commenter to depict a paradise, although it was just a very green street - I wrote that Paradise doesn't have to be some place full of nature (it may be, but doesn't have to), but Paradise is a state of mind, it is feeling and in some cases a connection with certain place or something actual. So everyone has their own Paradise. And even though Kenya has lots of crime because of what especially I, a white guy, is in danger,... and Kenya has lots of corruption, not very great educational system or healthcare, there is lots of slums where people live in shacks and litter the streets around them with garbage, it is still so deeply rooted in my heart. It is so because of many things... much more than bad things, is there things that I like and without what my life seems emptier. I think about Kenya all the time. What ever I do in Estonia, or what ever I see here, everything turns my mind to Kenya. I think how different it was. I know that something being better or worse than something else is very relative, but the different effect comes clear to me when I remember how in Kenya even worst days weren't so bad that I would say that I want to get back to my home and to my people. No I said to myself: "Yes I feel bad right now as this wasn't like I hoped, but don't worry, I'll get over it and I fix things. There is nothing better in Estonia." I have always said that I didn't had a culture shock, as there wasn't anything in their culture that I would condemn for being the reason of my bad feeling and at the same time I always thought how nature of Estonians and our living style, our system, our culture and even our climate has made me feel bad countless of times and then... then I have always judged our world we live in Estonia. I have felt cultural stress for a long time, but in Estonia... In Kenya I was released from that burden. There everything seemed more natural and more homely, than in a country where I have grown and lived my entire life. I have asked myself how is it possible that I grew to fit into another culture, but actually answer is simple. You know that people learn all their life. During their life they start understanding what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, and usually they grow to think that what is so close to them is right and good, but sometimes some people don't find these good and right things with their exploration of their nearby surroundings. Some understand that things you may see in your life, teached by your parents and in school, things that are carrying our own culture as it is, may not be best, might not be the only truth. Such a person was I. I learned early to not to take things self-evident. I learned to criticize even closest things, even things that I did. And over time I found a lot of problematic things to what I didn't find solution. But I looked from wrong place... solution was accepting what is here as Paradise for others but finding myself another place. In Kenya I understood, that this place is closer to my soul than my fatherland. I'm not a patriot, but patriotism without reason is overrated anyway. And by the way, also in this trade fair I said that Estonia is very good place to rest... no not for vacation, but for resting. Estonia is quiet and boring, fairly tolerant place where most people try not to disturb eachother... would it be even simple talking to you. Here you can be alone and rest from intense socializing, colourful and crazy cultures and from working, as Estonia because due to bad working conditions, arrogant and selfish employers and low payments can't even be called good working environment (even though most Estonians are laborious, hard working and loyal to work ethics), but Estonia isn't place to live. This is not life we do here... it is somehow dealing with inevitable. Living is feeling, expressing, experimenting, being active for enjoyment, etc. Again I understand that maybe some here find it enjoyable and they really can live here, but not me.

Kenya opened a whole new dimension for me. Like in sauna your pores open and you can't do anything but sweat and enjoy it, so was Kenya for me in sense of feelings. Of course I have feelings also in Estonia, but in Kenya these got so strong and conquered me, became the sole reason, became the source of enjoyment no matter what I currently felt. Intense, this is the key word. Compared to that, Estonia is simply boring and pointless. Unlike Mykolas, I have never felt that Kenya was like a dream in sense that it blurrs and seems somewhat unreal and in some parts not understandable. For me that place is Estonia. It is not entirely bad dream, but it is weird and foggy, slowpaced and full of gaps. But even when I'm back now in Estonia, through my mind I imagine many things to be what it used to be in Kenya. It was so in first days after return and even more now, soon a year after the end of my first Kenya adventure. I have constantly dreams and daydreams about Kenya. In my mind it is so close that I can still touch, smell, hear and feel things that I remember and imagine. I remember and dream and then reality in Estonia seems so painful for me... pain from missing something so much. Everyone knows some people who read fantasy tales or play computer games and then hope that they would live in this wonderous world. Well, even I was such guy... a fantasy dork... until I found my dreamworld to be real. Like I think Kudrun would say, it brought me inspiration... it brought me so much creativity what is often very hard to find for me when I'm in Estonia. In Kenya borders between creativity and reality blurred many times. In Kenya I killed a dragon and found my princess, there was a Lucky Mouse People and green jungle giraffes, lonely pink panther, Mountain God, oh and another princess, a sleeping one, soldier ants and much more. Sometimes I think that even robbers were from some cool action game or RPG... partly mystified. The thought of it now and when I directly experienced this fantastical crazy world, turned life so colourful. I would gladly learn through my own mistakes or discoveries fed to me by environment, these hundreds of pieces of wisdom  how to protect myself from robbers, if I only could feel some excitement and adventure. Kenya, probably entire Africa is interactive world. There you can't live headphones or blinders on head (fact here.. I had lots of music with me in mp3 player, but I rarely listened it... I think some of the music I maybe even didn't), you can't be individualist and you can't expect things already known to you, happen again the same way. It is not a comfort zone, although even in Africa you can create a little comfort zone where to escape when you need it, this world, it is constant movement to somewhere and never getting used to something. It is moving...where?... who the hell knows that. Constant movement and changes anyway. If you get too used to something and get too comfortable not to hold your mind on it, this world throws you with something... or throws you into something new. True, it is dangerous, but then again you rarely feel routine there and I guess this is what holds also local people there so vigilant and lively. I don't agree with those who say that everything is stopped in Africa. Yes you can't be sure of agreements and people take time with everything, but this is actually much closer to the pace of nature.

Estonia rarely speaks or touches me, and I don't care most of the so called Estonian culture. But in Africa everything has symbolic meaning or reason. Sometimes quite naive, but many things that come straight from the heart, may be naive and cliche. I think I'm also often pretty naive. But sometimes these symbolic meanings and reasons are perhaps even deeper than ones in our "complex" culture. Sometimes it is subconcious and people don't understand it by themselves, sometimes they try to hide the real meanings (But then finding it out can become obsession that gives activity for days or even months.. and everything shouldn't be offered on a silver plate. Researching and discovering is one of the greatest delights offered to humans, why to make it easy for yourself and spoil all the fun, by living in a place where everything is so ordered, simple and self-evident). These mysteries and symbols have lots of character and show that it takes ages to fully understand the models this society uses to work. Knowing this, it only raises my interest to learn more. In Estonia the coherence of self-evidency and this weird non-interacting world and people (if any Estonian have objections to the fact that Estonians generally are not very social, then think about football players who simply don't communicate, how people don't show half their emotions out, how people don't come to streets to protest when they don't like something, how teenager who should be with a boiling blood, goes home without even saying hello or go-to-hell-o to parents, closes the door both literally and symbolically... that we call character of Estonian. It is emptiness and it is barrier), creates only ill feelings and melancholy. And when you try to do something, just to be active, then it seems so artificial and stressful or simply not worthy enough. Yeah, I'm adrenalin junkie. For happiness I need more than superficial social activities or just wasting time, I need not order and security, if then only a little bit. But I need some excitement... no matter if it comes from rock climbing or living in crazy, buzzing environment or something entirely else. I need enjoyment from intensity and emotionality. And I need to do do something that is not important for some greedy businessman, but for myself. This reminded me - through Kudrun's link in Facebook I found some maps that show how people of some certain countries in  the world describe other people - like what French think about other Europeans... or what characterizes the women of every country, or what things are we known by when asked from German, or political picture through the eyes of an American. Guess what... Estonians were always either primitive, cold, melancholic or unknown (and why... because we don't show any sign of ourselves) and I'm no way proud of such characteristics. What is peacefulness if you are just a buffer zone between Free World and Communists or Russian Mafia or what ever are the generalizising simple minded views of different peoples about modern Russia? What is beauty of our women when we are dead inside? What good is of ethics when people die because of boredness or being a good lapdog?

Aight, it came out a little bit more criticizing than I wanted, but this often happens when I now talk what I feel about Estonia and why I'm so determined to move away. Actually I still find many things that I find hard to leave when I leave Estonia, and I'm not all so anti-Estonian all the time. Usually when I miss my girl and my life in Kenya little bit less, then I wouldn't go so far to stamp everything in Estonia meaningless and puny, but as I wanted to show the extreme feeling of missing something so much, then I allowed myself that freedom to say everything out that I think from time to time. And I'm actually much more positive. True I want to work my way back to Kenya and when my plans get hit back, then I get angry and sad and desperate, but those who know me personaly, I think they understand why I named myself Jolly Juwarra.

Like my friend Janika said: "But missing can be good too, some day when you get to your girl, you start to miss that feeling you have now". Or something like that. But she also wrote to her blog that longterm determination is one of the greatest mysteries. To believe into yourself and never give up. Going forward. That way, reaching your destination or goal is only matter of time. I would add to that, that if you are so determined, then so strong feelings like I have, are normal, and even when you may be somewhat disturbed by that sadness of so great longing, then actually it helps you to reach this destination... or destiny.

One more example from somewhat weird feelings I have. Today we went to graveyard where my father's parents and one of my sister is buried. Grandparents died 1993 and 94 and I even haven't seen my firstborn sister as she died  a little after the birth, but today tears came to my eyes there. Of course I miss my grandparents, but it is long time since their death and I have never got tears when we visit graveyard. But now when I know that I will leave, and who knows maybe I don't ever get to go to their graves, it simply overwhelmed me. I put a candle and clapped my hands together and bowed like Shinto believers do to honour their forefathers at shrine. Graves don't have any special significance to me, nor do I believe that spirits have that kind of connection to material world that they would follow us and look if they are remembered, but somehow I felt that I need to perform that ritual. Just for my own sake.

So so, I hope in my travels I will have also some possibilities to write, but then again from Kenya times I also learned that a lot can happen that delays or entirely takes interest to post news.
What else... feel irie people!

What is Rasta

Just a fact before I continue - Ras was title for leader of province and military in Abyssinia. Heile Selassie was actually named ras Tafari Makonen, from what comes the word rasta or rastafari. When he was coronated to be emperor of Abyssinia (little bit bigger area than current Ethiopia), he took himself a name Heile Selassie I. When Rastafarian religious movement started, ras became widely used for anyone who was to be Rastafarian. So in Africa you may meet a lot of people who say ras in front of their name (similarily to Heile Selassie usually not their birth name, but something they just later take for themselves).

Ok, I was supposed to write why I liked when in Kenya people called me a Rasta. It is actually simple. First of all, in Kenya people basically knew only about four religions - Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and Rastafarianism. Well yeah, if you ask about their old Pagan beliefs, then of course they remember this too, but usually they don't imagine that someone would still believe something like that. And yeah, actually although I call myself a Pagan, my beliefs aren't anything like Neopagan's or even less like old Pagan beliefs in Estonia, elsewhere in Europe and surely not something like African peoples had before Christianization. With great reservations I could say that my beliefs are something similar to Shinto that would be mixed with very little of Taoism. Anyway, I would say that out of the four religions widely accepted in Kenya, I am more Rastafarian than any other. Rastafarians have pretty good philosophical and ethical side, but what I don't believe is the religious format of it. First of all, Rastafarians believe into hedonism, living well yourself and making all from your side to make also others irie. And rastafarians believe into making world better through simply understanding good values because of positive, constructive reasons, whereas in Christianity, Islam and many other world religions main thing is restrictive ethical codex, understanding of being the subject of higher entity, therefore condmning him/herself to be lower and less worthy and simply obeying, or one more thing is also the lure of promise for some bliss after death. And Hinduism with all the rebirths, pantheon of Gods and whatever else is completely strange to me. When Christians and Moslems see reason in prayers, then for Rastafarians all is about your actions. Christians and Moslems like to say that it is same in their case, that actions are most important, but then why they need to pray all the time. And why I don't see living like it counts then. Rastafarians live... they live good. Yeah, they often say something like: "Praise the Rastafari" or some other things, but this is not like prayer, it is more like cult of personality of Heile Selassie, who actually was a great example of a man and a leader. I don't believe that he was the incarnation of God... same way I believe that Christ was a mortal man who with his ideas and maybe charisma got lot of followers and enthusiasts... but he wasn't the incarnation of God either. Well, I simply don't believe into incarnation. Only perhaps in a way we all are first the part of this great spirit/God/Tao and then our soul incarnates in our body. But then we all are incarnations of God, and not Christ, nor Heile Selassie, nor Buddha, no-one are more the son of God than us all. Some are have simply more illuminated ideas about right/good ways of living and how to make world a better place. Actually, I should be called a agnostic, because I don't know if God exists. I want to believe that it is so, but probably I don't get to know it in my life. Basically I take from religions all that is about us, humans, and don't think so much about mystical side.

But about the cult of personality, I don't believe that we should make it so important. We can pay our respect to great men like Heile Selassie, Gandhi, whom ever you want, much better by simply following their example. Sure, I too may sometimes praise someone, but I understand that this is how it happens - mortal man is likened with the God. Same way also faith is good, but making it material and ceremonial, is not.

Faith and belief are not the same as religion.

Love and ideology

Sorry that I haven't posted here for a while. I have been busy with many things. Thinking through my plans of going for Eurotrip, finishing things for exhibitions, creating my portfolio blog and just having some social time.

But today I wanted to write something. At least the poem I wrote last night for my sweetie. Anyway, some time ago I wrote her a message that we finally have more sunlight in a day, but she is my true sunshine through all the good and bad times. Few days ago she sent me quite a similar message where she said that she is watching the stars, that she loves all stars in the sky, but these are nothing compared to the ones in my eyes. I know... quite cliché, but it is still sweet and it created some kind of story in my mind. So this is it:

Sun and other stars

Spacecold land of night,

a spaceboy is alone.

He longs his sunshine girl

and sunshine land, his home.

And sunbrown girl looks

to the stars above,

to the stars with pale light.

They love, they miss

eachothers eyes,

they wish for a kiss.

And wish they aren't

like day and night.

In the end they must get together,

right?!

Few days ago it was birthday of my friend. It was weird. He had like two kinds of guests. Some couples mainly from Tallinn or at least not from Aruküla... he himself included (acting pretty much like already married couples), and then there were guys from Aruküla - all alone. But it was weird this time for me especially because now basically I am in commited relationship, I have someone... but then again, I don't in the sense that she aren't there with me. And although I am now taking this relationship seriously, I defended the idea of free men, when my friend's girl (who by the way is very young... I think she was 25 like my friend... but already has two kids... not with my friend... and still my friend is like a dad to these little girls) said that when guy gets 30 then basically he is late with all the relationship things. I even defended the idea of guys who change girls like their shirt... one day, one girl. I'm still convinced free lover proponent and believe that marriage has lost almost all reason in modern world. Yet, in my soul I wish I could already be back in Kenya, hold my loved girl, build a steady life with her and think about marriage and having a child.

Heh, that all now reminded me one thing. Today Katarina told that there were selfhelp books and other such literature very common in Nigeria. I said that in Kenya there was a book called "How to beat your wife". And then we talked how I and Jürgen-Kristofer, both artists, both mostly pacifists, interested of spiritualism and eastern philosophies and also as somehow our theme also went to Indigos, then Katarina also said that Indigos like us, of course wouldn't understand such ideology. Of course not, we wouldn't want to hit anyone and if it would be possible we even wouldn't want to step on insects. Katarina kind of ironically said that maybe sometimes also wife needs beating. "What would you do when wife won't obey you?" Jürgen answered that he wouldn't beat her and for few minuts didn't know what he would do, but finally said that he would just leave. And then it was my turn. My answer was: "I would love my wife more." Jürgen then changed his thought to the same.

Ok... I guess that's enough for today. It was fun and busy day.. a good day, (maybe because we walked the street down from Harju hill... by one guy this was supposed to be the "happy road"). Tomorrow maybe I'll write some things I said to them today about my beliefs and why I so well accepted when I was called Rastaman in Kenya. I finally cleared it for myself and found good enough words to verbalise it.

Aight.... have fun ya'll... make love, but remember, do it safe.

The real, real close contact with Africa

Ok, because sex sells, then in this chapter I will write how we got into close quarters with locals in Kenya, what we learned and felt. Mostly about my own things, but in some cases I also know a little what others from our group thought about it. Well, I'm taking it all together as shortly as possible, as there is really a lot to write on that matter.
From the start it was clear that in this half a year a lot will happen and that some of us will also probably have some pretty personal level connections with locals. Ok you know me, usually there is not much that I will leave personal. Like I already wrote in one of my first entries about Kenya, I even kind of set myself a goal to try out a Kenyan girl. Truth to be said, at my primary and highschool times, I always dreamed that in future I would get myself a black woman. Now I simply found this dream in me again. I really fancy black girls and now I also see some things in Estonian girls that I don't like at all.

Mating habits of Kenyan bound humans.But, surely all is not so black and white. First we had to discover how are these things in Kenya. Cultures are really different and christianity may also set some limits there. We may have to learn new strategies and ways how to behave. Even though I already had kissed Kate, things didn't evolve as I hoped. Already two months had passed, when one night we were in a pub, Sarah, Carlos and I. We started talking about how are social and sexual commons and understandings in both places - Kenya and EU. Cultural exchange. Although she isn't the voice of her entire people, we got to know some things... for starters at least. Later through practical exploring, we found out some more things. But yeah, at first it seemed that Kenyans are pretty conservative and back in time in some things. When we told Sarah about all the things that are quite common in Europe, even if just as sexual adventures... things like threesomes, girl on girl action, fuckbuddies, then Sarah was really baffled. She affirmed that most such things are taboos in Kenya. Later from some other people we learned that for homosexualism you may even get killed there. At the same time in Kenya polygamy is still legal and although most families are nowdays nuclear like in Europe and most of the Kenyan women would be damn angry if they would find out that their man is too liberal and even the number of children in families is finally decreasing. But actually it is widely known secret that many people in Kenya have secret lovers... even women. Kenya is the land of secrets. As Christians or Moslems they also expect marriage, but luckily at least we found out that this doesn't mean that you can't have sex before marriage. I explained to Sarah, that in Europe there is widely accepted philosophy - no marriage before sex - then also Sarah said that that she understands. But when we told that many Europeans even when they find their true love, are not sure if they want or if it even has reason for marriage, then that Kenyans wouldn't understand. Marriage is simply so strongly rooted that when in Europe or America guy in urban music sings: "I want to get jiggy with you", then in Kenya they sing "You are the one, I want to marry you"... something along these lines.
For Carlos and me seemed extremely funny how Sarah described how in Kenya two people who like each other get together. When in Europe it happens mostly by one kissing other... just pretty impulsively by following our instincts, then in Kenya everything seems like business with agreements and scouting etc. Sarah said that when someone is interested of other in Kenya, then they first ask his or her friends about various things and much happens with first asking things and pre-organizing. We laughed with Carlos, that it is kind of like you would have a list where you cross down things - So she likes me, ok... would you be interested of going out, ok, that one down... could I kiss you, down finally... would you like to have a commited relationship, ok score... and so on. It seemed so official and cold, that it seems like writing a notarial document - one copy for me and one for you and one for both's parents.
But actually, as I already said, things are not so black and white. There is lots of different people. For example, bigger the city, the more modern are also the people and how they are interacting. Same thing is with the wealth. Richer people, and therefore usually also more educated people have more modern understandings. There are of course special cases, but generally you can follow these rules to expect how some people are acting and interacting. Yet, it is not very common to do some things publically. Like kissing for example. Some people who see you kissing on the street, may just say yo to get a room. Or when we kissed with Kwamboka at the matatu station in Nakuru, then people cheered us like in American comedy serials. At the same time, when alone or among friends, they act pretty much like we in Europe. Also when having sex, there is not much differences. Ok, again, it is surely so that more modern people have more modern sex, and village girl probably has lots of taboos and traditional ways of doing things.
What I didn't understand even in the end is holding hands and touching people regarded, as in most cases it is taken just as signs of friendship. Even men may hold hands without anyone even thinking about the possibility that they could be gays. It is so ordinary that people have contacts in everyday life. Hugs are as normal part of greeting and saying good by as shaking hands or touching the shoulder or back of someone. Yet, sometimes it seemed that when you hold someone's hand, they do view it as a sign of affection. Maybe it is when single man and single woman about the same age are often seen so. But I can't be sure of it. Anyway, when in Kenya some rumors spread, then believe, you don't have any personal life anymore. But in this case I think Europeans have advantage of not caring much.

Anyway, I also wanted to write final evaluation of my things with my black sweethearts. For statistics I can say that when I was in Kenya, I now consider two girls as my girlfriends, and two girls as kind of stalkers. Finally I fell in love with another one and when I came back we got to know about eachothers feelings. So I can say that she is my third Kenyan girlfriend. I don't know how things will go, but I really hope to get back to Kenya and I really hope that our relationship will survive. Oh, and actually I had few more whom I really liked, but circumstances simply didn't let me to hope for anything. But statistics time is over.
Already in Kenya I started asking myself what I like about Kenyan girls or more specifically my girls? Or what caused the ends of the first things? What I have learned in Kenya and how are my behaviour models changed? Similarily to how I saw my living style and personality to fit very well into the Kenyan culture (maybe not from the viewpoint of Kenyans, but for me it was place to feel comfortably), when in Estonia I always felt out of place, same way it seemed that at least some Kenyan girls are exactly what I'm expecting from women. Although, it also means more problems, the way how Kenyans feel... I simply like it. In comparison, weirdly most Estonians seem conservative about how they fear to live out their feelings and dreams. Or maybe Estonians just have different feelings and dreams... certainly so. Even though Kenyan girl may sometimes show their affection in a weird way for us, at least they do that. Ok, also here we have some girls with hotter temperament and more courage, I have almost always found that then she has something else that I don't like or they already are in relationship. Some girls are too simple, some too difficult natured, many I don't like because of outlook, and here we have so many smoking gyals, some expect things from men that even don't fit with my principles, most can't enjoy small natural things of life, but are poisoning their life with lots of artificial pleasures, some girls curse, some just are not sure enough to have a proper relationship, some are too decked and arrogant, thinking that they are some higher league, some seem from the start as you would be better living in a pile of dynamite, some.. uhh, there is dozens of reasons for not wanting them. But in short time I found many girls who were close enough to my liking in Kenya. Although I came to believe that there wouldn't be future for me and my Kisii girl, I would even include her to this bunch. Second thing is that in Estonia I have really tough competition and therefore best girls just don't want me, then in Kenya, I can get easily pretty much any girl who is still free and maybe even some who aren't. I'm absolutely desired there. In Estonia over same long period (half a year) I can see maybe few looks from what I can read "interested", and then they usually don't make any moves (yeah, yeah, I know... girls want guys to make a move... but I want also girl to show some reason for me to want her). And also, actually I too found more feelings in myself and lived these out more... and I like that. In Estonia, where people are more passive and don't dare to do many things, it also seems weird for me to be such a guy whom I want to be. One day I saw a latino carneval dancers and their music band in Tallinn and I just felt that I would like to dance, but how could I, when others there refuse even when they are invited to join. It is a fucking daytime supermarket entertainment. Estonia is weird place with lots of fear as our cultural thing. We are cold, not showing out our feelings and actually inside suffering because of that. Or maybe I'm unique among my people, as lately I have started to sing wherever I want, to make some dancemoves, just jump with joy or whatever, as I don't care... I want to live like this... emotionally.

Kate and I (first four months of Kenya)

Even after all that happened with Kate, after suffering the sadness because of that story, I still like options in Kenya beter than here. Hell, I would even try again with Kate if I could, rather than have an Estonian girl. Moreover, with other girls things were much better. I still don't know what happened with Kate, but from our local friends and later from my other Kenyan girls I got to know that all Kate said about traditions and politeness was just a putoff. Even my too young stalker was more initiative and giving (I always had to impede and forbid her) than Kate. And my Kisii girl was often so venturous and liberal that in times I alredy felt a bit uncomfortable (but actually I started to like that) and started to doubt if I am a proper match for her after all. Sometimes I still regret my eventual decicion to leave her.
And still I don't say anything about my current girl. Abwatin inye (I miss you in Kalenjin). I leave her into mystery. I think right now only few of my friends deserve to know about her. I don't know, maybe I will write about her only after I have returned to Kenya. Wish me luck for that.

Kwamboka and I (remaining two months)

Anyway, I'm thankful for all the experiences... even for these with Kate. I have got a lot of new understandings about myself and girls. I found out what I desire. I found out much more... many things really universal.

Lets do it like they do on Discovery channel!Parental advisory - you may want to explain your kids about decent use of such words or reasons why some are not very good at all. Some Swahili vocabulary:
He/she is pretty - huyu ni mrembo
Would you like to do something (tomorrow)? - Unataka kupanga pamoja (kwa kesho)?
Will you go out with me?/Would you be my darling? - Utakuwa mpenzi wangu?
Would you like a drink? - Unywe kinywaji?
You are a fantastic dancer - Wewe ni mchezadensi mzuri sana
Can I accompany you to your home? - Nikusindikize kwako?
Can I take you to my place? - Twende kwangu?
I like you very much - nakupenda sana
Do you want to come inside for a while? - Unataka kuingia ndani kidogo?
I think we are good together - Nafikiri tunafaa pamoja
Can I kiss you? - Nikubusu?
Kiss me - Nibusu
I want you - Nakutaka
I want a pussy - Niaje na mikingo
Lets go to bed - Twende kitandani
I won't do it without protection - Sitafanya bila kinga
I like that - Napenda hiyo

Easy Lion! - Tulia simba!
That was like a dream - Ilikuwa kama ndoto
See you later - Tutaonana baadaye
I'll keep in touch - Nitakuwasiliana
I'll miss you - Nitakukosa
Are you seeing someone else? - Umekuwa unatembea na mwengine?
He/she is just a friend - Yeye ni rafiki tu
We'll work it out - Itafanikiwa
I don't think it's working out - Sidhani inafaa
I don't want to see you ever again - Sitaki kukuona tena daima
Prostitute - Malaya
You are a bitch - Wewe ni jahili
Pussy - Mikingo/Kuma
Penis - Mboro
Bollocks - Makende
Asshole - Mukundu
Fuck - Tomba
Suck - Nyonya

Eldoret-Pokot-Turkana

Locals taking photos of us, white guys playing football.

Here comes one more long entry. I have delayed writing this for a while now. I must say that it is still somewhat hard for me to write it. It was in Turkana when I finally understood that what ever I wouldn’t try, it is all over between Kate and me. We had long prepared for this trip, as it was supposed to be our big rise, after lots of failures and sitting idle. It was supposed to become the greatest project we do in Kenya, although we didn’t know much about Turkana areas and therefore our plans were really only hopeful. Now as we can look back to it, I think it was great change and even if we were very idealistic on this project, it changed lots of things. Next project in Nangili School was finally everything we had hoped. And actually, even in Turkana we had our successes. Additionally we started a project that we gave on to locals to continue. But yes, as I already said also preparing for Pokot and Turkana, was full of uncertainty. Not only because we didn’t know how to relate with the people there or anything else we simply didn’t know. It was possible that weather or problems with money would scrap all our plans. Basically to the end we weren’t sure of who if any of our local colleagues would join us. Additionally state of the things was so between me and Catherine, that I weren’t sure if it would be good or bad if she would come. In a last week I had tried to fix our things and I hoped that if she comes, then maybe away from regular life in Eldoret we can be together and start anew. Then again, if she comes and nothing is changed, then it may ruin my travel and maybe even have effect on others. Oh well, although it went like I feared, I still value this travel and this experience a lot. Although in the end I cried, I took pleasure of even this sadness and anger. It gave me feeling that at least I did what I had to do. One thing though what I didn’t enjoy and still hate, is that I don’t understand why… what changed between Kate and me. It just doesn’t give me peace. Anyway, final crew was all of our guys, Kristi, from locals Dickson, Sarah, Kate and Kate’s friend Sharon and few church officials who travelled with us the first part to the Marich, Pokot and have organized us rooms in the local church guesthouse. Before the travel I was actually also afraid because of this, as I didn’t know how to act in the church territory or how would church people took a bunch of atheists, agnostics and pagans.

Pokot - People of the mountains

West Pokot is land dominated by high and steep hills and even proper mountains. It is pretty much my dreamland - really beautiful area offering possibilities for adventures and exploration. If you like to hike and climb, and find interesting places and people like I do, then this is exactly the right place to go. But also it is the beginning of such part of Kenya that isn’t in great interest of the state. Church does something in their power to hold that place together and lately also police have got their control there on things, as just a little time ago Pokot people were known to have greatest number of weapons in the civilian hands (if you don’t count Maasais with their spears), raiding travellers or nearby Turkanas. Area lacks any infrastructure and people are extremely poor and largely tribal kind of primitive. Well, you don’t have to pay for anything else than for your own survival there - just move there and build yourself a hut, no one cares. But even that is hard, as there is nothing to do for job and also ground is getting dry and sandy, not good for growing anything. For any official business you have to travel to Kitale, but road that connects these places and runs mostly on the sides of mountains by long valley gorge, is in terrible condition. Further away you get from Kitale, the harder it will be to ride anything but offroad car. Much of the road is simply washed away by the floodwaters that come down the mountains in rain season. In one place even bridge was destroyed and car has to go through the river in a valley floor. In a rain season this place is absolutely impassable. Of course country doesn’t care about repairing it, even though it is only road to Sudan unless you want to make a big round through Uganda. Pokot and Turkana are simply so insignificant. Only way to travel there is either in the back of the truck that most of the locals use, or a bus that goes to Lodwar, biggest and actually only town in Turkana region. But you never can be sure on the bus either. Sometimes it is late for three or six hours, sometimes doesn’t come at all for a day or week or who knows for how long. Marich is really small settlement built of random wooden boards, plywood and sheet metal. I’m already going to repeat myself, but land is really dry and most of the vegetation is normal for half-desert. Anyway, with so simple housing and people, village without electricity or water system, for a computer gamer like me, it seemed absolutely like some place in Fallout games… the old, good 2D ones. If I remember correctly, then there were only three places that had electricity. One was church; one was small kiosk that had its own genny that had to run maize grinder, and I don’t remember what was the third. It was amazing place and amazingly strong people who survived all the ordeals life throw at them. By the way, they really trusted strangers like us. I think if Estonians would be so back in time, depending on any and every small thing that may go wrong, we would be distrustful of any new face. Actually many Estonians are even now. This is how it seems from the ground level and among the people, but when you go to mountains, then still all seems green and like a dreamland.

And to the mountains we decided to climb. Already in first day we set our steps to the high hill nearby (about 800 meters from the ground). This day of course we didn’t conquer it. Time was too late and we were really tired. This time we got only to 1/3 of the hill. But view was already so amazing. I always say that it is like from fantasy book or movie and seeing it with your own eye, makes reading Tolkien or even viewing documentaries of such places to seem so pointless. Actually, even when we climbed, Love and I joked and played little theatrical roles of hobbits on their journey. We finished first day climb on a little top of the foothill, where we met half naked old woman who was heading to her hut with some branches for burning wood. It would have been like moment from centuries back when first Europeans met these tribals there just by coincidence walking on each other in a bush, but then this old woman asked in a mixture of Swahili and Pokot if we would give her 500 shillings. This is really a lot. Street kids in Eldoret would be happy already for 5 or 10 shillings... or even 1 or 2. So we argued a lot in a mix of little Swahili we knew and some English that she probably didn’t understand any word. After some time she lowered her demand to two hundred. Forgetaboutit! There was a river between the hill we came from and our guesthouse. At the daytime there were lots of half naked women in this river sifting the sands to search their luck – gold. And yes, when you swim in it, you get your skin covered with fine gold dust. But we were interested, is there really some pieces big enough to sell? We were said that from time to time some lucky ones actually find some. Golden river passing through one of the poorest places I have ever seen. But yes, chances are that you just waste your life in vain searching the gold, and even when they find a piece, then in local market they don’t get much money. Luckily no one have bothered to start mining these mountains, it would be the end of this true marvel of Kenya. I am selfish, but even though tourism would bring much money to this region and would show some to tourists that Africa is not only national parks, honestly I’m happy that this place is so remote. There is always two sides of every thing – two things involved.

On the search of gold. Photographer didn't dare to shoot the half naked ones who were in majority.

Anyway, when going back, we saw that in the evening naked boys have become the rulers of the river, taking a swim in it. Also we decided to cross the river not by the bridge, but straight through, but this river with the rapids where it exits the mountain gorge turned out to be deeper than we believed, or well, truth to be said it was idea from the start to “accidentally” get wet. These local boys guided us through the safest places. Although river was deep and we got wet anyway, you wouldn’t want to go down the rapid anywhere. In certain places it was fun though to let flow to carry you down the small falls. Another fun that you can not have in any river was to make jumps to the water head on. There was one place, where it got deep so suddenly that when you walk until water is to your knees, and then take one more step and you are in to the waist, and next step is just a hole. You can jump even from the rocks nearby; bottom of the river seemed just not to exist at that place.

That is how we make jumps to the river. Kids don't try it at home!

Next day, Saturday: In the morning we told the “Two islands story” (one thing from our project about gender equality) and then we went to swim. Although Kate and Sharon didn’t swim, they came with us. I asked from Kate if we could walk around in the evening. She even kind of agreed, but later it seemed she had another plan. I have been able to be alone with her enough to have couple of really innocent touches, but couldn’t talk with her about us, as there are people everywhere. Tomorrow she may go back to Eldoret, but I hope not… I really want to settle our things and where would be better place or time than on this travel. Even these church guys said today, that I should take Kate as my woman. They don’t know that I’m after her, but I said that I have chosen myself a Kenyan woman and that I have hard time because of the cultural differences.

-Excerpt from my travel journal, 29. May 2010.

If you are regular follower of my blog, then you may already know how this continued… I mean how on a third day, these church guys tried to recommend me one another fine young woman and my answer to them (written in the chapter about Luhyas). Anyway, sometimes it seemed that things with Kate are getting better, but just moments after, she again acted weirdly. It seemed that sometimes she would be back the Kate whom I started to know in the beginning – so free, caring and wanting me, but next moment she was avoiding me and acted totally differently again… as she would wage war with herself. Yet I hoped. I even tried to get help from Dickson, as he and Kate have been neighbours all their life. But actually this is already a story for another entry. I like these church guys. They are really cool, friendly and open-minded. And when I discount all the religious part, then they are like any good activists doing important job. Earlier I even questioned, why would church like to increase gender equality at all. But they have minds in right places and do things where government and local authorities are idle and where they simply see problems. In general, I have found that when most of the church going population are fanatical and pretty much dogmatic about things, then actual church officials are intelligent and open minded and almost every way how all good Christians should be (at least in my understanding). We have even talked about religion and that of my beliefs, or even on such themes that mostly are taboos in Kenyan Christian communities or about what they have dead certainty. Third day in Marich - this day we were supposed to head forward to the Turkana lands, but we had lots of time. As it was Sunday, locals were gathering to church and last evening all of us were also invited. But Love, Justas and I woke up early, little bit before sunrise. We had other plans. We had great will to finally conquer the Kanatol hill. Without any breakfast, only few sweet candies (this gives really good boost of energy) in pockets and our bags all filled with water bottles we head out. It was still dark, misty and cold, but we already knew how hot it gets before we even get to our last marker, and from our last hike to Kaptebei hill near Kipkaren, we also knew how much we need water and what happens if it gets out in the middle of the hike. If people were woken up already, then at least we didn’t see any. When sun rose from the other side of the great flat Rift Valley (as Marich is actually located exactly where mountains end and give way to this great wonder of nature), we were already quite high on the hill, offering us one of many amazing views of that climb. Other great view was at the same time to the exact opposite side, to the long zig-zaging mountain gorge through what a morning mist clouds slowly rolled their way down the river. At such moments would you be religious or not, would you be Christian, Pagan or what ever, you come to think that church is certainly unable to oppose what feelings you get on mountains. I’m sure of that. By the way, nearby there towers a Kou mountain that was personated as spirit or god by Pokot people around there just a little time ago. Maybe even these days some more primitive Pokot hold to old beliefs. Kou mountain is magnificent and looking a little like the famous mountain in Rio de Janeiro where is this big stone Christ. It would be extremely wicked place to make true cliff climbing.

The three guys who finally conquered the Kanatol Hill - from left: Justinas Kilpys, Love Wojnakowski and me viewing the wonders of nature.

After our 1/3 marker started actually a long gentle slope, and you know this is hardest part of the rise, that has to be taken with right technique and pace. You always have to think for ahead and hold your spirit up. Walk so that you always feel you have some power reserves. Stop before you are too tired. If needed, take few steps and then stand at least for few seconds. Then, the last 1/3 was the steepest part ending with true cliffs. Steep rise needs careful and sure movements and if you are too tired from the gentle slopes, then take how ever much time to rest before going forward. There you have to be sure about every foothold and handhold. If you are not sure of something, then don’t do that. Where possible, don’t grab grass or branches of bushes – if it breaks, you are gone. In Africa, you also have to check any suspicious places for snakes. Even small hills may be hard for the mind when climbing, but when you are up, there is no better feeling. The entire world belongs to you. Well… almost, as we had reached the top, we found out that there was someone’s hut almost on top. We started wondering if these people of the mountains are so adapted that they may walk down and up again every day. Ok, most of the people live in the valley, but probably these that live up there would say that valley people are not true Pokot. We were said that Pokot used to live so because their warlike nature. There were basically two ways to live. To herd the cattle on the plain by looking over it from some tree on the hill… with your rifle… and when anyone strays into middle of your flock, then bullet to the head, or other option was to raid the nearby peoples like Luhya, other Kalenjin peoples and especially Turkana yourself and escape to mountains to hide. Pokot were said to be extremely good sharpshooters, and usually shoot first and ask later. Some even said that because of targeting, one of their eyes was supposed to be little bit more closed than other. I don’t know, I didn’t notice, but I don’t have very good eye on such things either. It was such a view up there, which is even hard to describe. Mt Mtilo to the north or northwest was under the hat of clouds (by the way, both Mt Kou and Mt Mtilo are way higher than 1 km from valley floor… and elevation there is anyway around two km-s I think, or even higher), but its foothills and other smaller hills in front of it came together as petiole… or damn, I really don’t know how to describe it. Row of hills after another, each next one higher and longer than last. We stayed on top of the hill’s rocky top for half an hour, watching around, thinking in silence, drinking water and eating candies. We also called to Kristi that she would take a camera and big lens from Carlos to see if she can take a photo of us in top of the hill, but when we got down to others again, we found out that Kristi took photos of another hill – what a disappointment.

Church in front and an old God, Mt. Kou in background

When we got down from the hill, I felt extreme tiredness. It felt that soon I just drop from my feet, but as always I could find some extra power. This time our climbing was exactly to the plan – by time usage and water we took along. Maybe big bow to honour the mountain, Love and I did before climbing, helped us too. When we got back, we of course had a late breakfast and shower, but then I was only one of wazungu, who joined Kenyans in the Sunday sermon. It was mostly because I wanted to see how it is in such small and separated village. It was much nicer there than in the church we visited in Eldoret. They singed and danced and played the drums passionately as I hoped I could see in the church in Africa. Yet I didn’t took part of any dance or singing. I was too tired. And despite that and despite that I said to local pastors last day that I’m not Christian, I was well accepted there. Kristi left us and went back to Eldoret along with these church guys, and we went to road to get to the bus to Lodwar. Kate and Sharon finally still decided to complete the journey with us.

Turkana – The people of the sand

As we may have guessed, bus to Lodwar was hours late. We just lied down by the road like locals, waiting. Bus came when it was already dark. Bus ride was quite uncomfortable. Some of us had to stand, but actually in back of the bus it was better than to sit, as road to Lodwar was hell of a bumpy and bus really speeds, and when you sit it all goes through your stomach, or you could hit your knees to the metal parts of the front seat. At least when you stand your legs work as shocks. When already in Pokot land was sandy, then soon we rode through real desert with only some peaky bushes, cactuses and few acacias here and there. Basically it was rain season, but it seemed that these parts haven’t seen much rainfall this year. On our rides in Turkana region we rode through many dried out riverbeds. It is quite weird to see such kind of Kenya after all this time living in the middle of lush nature, fertile farmlands and mighty populated areas. Emptiness and sand hurling winds reigning vast areas. Actually hot air and scorching sun in desert didn’t seem so terrible as the hot humidity at coast, but when you step with bare feet to the sand then you discover how hot it really is. For us it was totally impossible to walk barefooted – sand just burned and I guess you could even make a fried egg on it.

Ejoka, welcome to Turkana (Ejoka means hello, greetings in Turkana language). Ride to Lodwar was long and as we got to the bus as late as around eight, we arrived four o’clock at night. But we had someone to meet us there and help us to find guesthouse. We slept in very simple Moslem guesthouse, as it was very cheap.

First boy is surely Sudanese. On this picture you can also see proof that Turkanas have face as they would be always angry.

In the morning we had time to explore. Lodwar is like a small oasis in the middle of all this desert. Quite big and fairly green town for such a place. There are lots of Sudanese Moslems and of course Turkanas, some very traditional, but at the same time I wouldn't agree that Turkanas are one of the most primitive peoples in Africa, that I read somewhere already before going to Kenya. Women wear lots of neck rings and real traditional Turkana women’s hair is only three or four red braids over otherwise shaved head. If I remember correctly, then even Turkana men were somewhat adorned. Everyone is wearing a stick and it was said that most of the men have secret round shaped blade. Also you can see some guys walking around with a AK-47. Turkanas are not as trusting and social as Pokot or even Sudanese and most of them have faces, as they would be angry all the time. But at the same time Moslems have simply restrictions by their religion... so, no photographing in the Moslem part of the town. But otherwise Moslems were very nice. We even got some Somali music from one Moslem restaurant owner after we had looked in vain for something like that in music selling kiosks.

At this day there was a children’s singing and dancing contest in one local school - Mostly choral songs, but also traditional songs with dances. Additionally to the local choirs, there were also some from Luhya and Kalenjin areas and maybe even from Luos. It was very nice, but even better in this morning was that Kate seemed to act really normally this morning. She let me close to her and I really thought that this vacation is working for us. Also Sharon certainly knew about Kate and me at this point and she seemed to support me.

In the evening we rode to small place called Kalekol or Kolokol near the Lake Turkana. It is unbelievable that Lodwar and Kalekol are connected with good paved road. It is still the desert all around the lake and people largely surviving thanks to fishing, camel herding or trade. We stayed in the house of local pastor. It was two-floored house, without electricity and water we had to buy in big canisters from nearby water trader. But it was really more than fine for us. Big house with many proper rooms and beds only for us, as pastor actually didn’t live there (house only belonged to him), and yet all us guys, decided to sleep on a flat roof, under the best ceiling in the world – night sky with millions of stars shining above. Actually, suddenly in the middle of the night, I think around four or five o’clock, a strong cold wind rises, because of what Dickson escaped inside. He of course had to wake all others just to say that it is fucking cold and he goes down. We Europeans survived well enough, even though wind truly was really strong and cold. At all, it seems that Europeans are better adjusting to different conditions, as Kate and Sharon all the time had headaches because of heat, and they also didn’t like the sand flying around.

Probably starting to build a new hut, or maybe just a firewood.

Today is Love’s bathday... khmm, I mean birthday. For that Kenyans organized a little washing for him with the bowlful of water. In evening we will prepare food ourselves and some drinks. At least I don’t have to eat in any hotel food here anymore. I didn’t like the taste of it much. Ok, chapatis were quite good, but coat meat in Kalekol... no thanks.

-Excerpt from my travel journal, 1. June 2010.

Second day in Kalekol was for me hard. Best part was playing football with local team. Kalekol Rangers was actually best team we have met so far, but as they are located in Turkana, they don’t have much chance to become anything more than that. We also did our activities about gender equality, but as in last days things got worse and worse for me, it wasn’t very easy to take part of these. I even didn’t have mood to celebrate Love’s birthday much.

And yeah, so it finally happened – the break-up day. On a morning of third day Kate gave her final resolute answer that we are not a couple anymore. This day I cried and cried, and I didn’t care what others think. I was so heartbroken, and I just didn’t understand it. I didn’t feel good when we went to swim in the lake. In a way it was even harder, as when I saw how much Kate enjoyed it, it hurt me terribly. I also was struck by the last view of her beauty from what I can’t get part anymore. That perfect body, how can I forget it?

Turkana Lake gangsta.

Luckily after that swim we had to ride back to Lodwar and after few hours with the bust back to home. Because of my mood even desert seemed more lifeless than it ever was. In Lodwar I bought some beer and ordered Dickson to buy miraa (Miraa are some straws that when you chew them... a lot of them, then you get some weaker effect similar to amphetamine. You can’t sleep for some time and you tend to talk little bit more or then vice versa get really enclosed into your own world, and when its effect wears off, you also get same but weaker feelings as when with amph. Miraa is legal in Kenya.). I wanted to loose that terrible sadness. This time we had seats in the front of the bus. I reserved seat next to me for Dickson, but after a while he changed it with Abdullahi, a Somali descended bus conductor. He was really nice guy. He gave me one earphone to listen Somali music from his phone and finally he trusted me his phone altogether... even when he left the bus when we stopped in some places. He also showed me some video clips in his phone, including some porn, that considering circumstances was refreshing. And Abdullahi was at that time more talkative, and quite interesting to talk with. He also offered me Tambo, some sort of lip tobacco that is mixed with spices and gives a really good kick, and bought me a soda. Maybe he saw or heard from someone of us, about my sad day. Anyway, all this was exactly what I needed on this final bus ride. When we got back to Pokot highlands and finally to Eldoret, then I understood how much hotter was Turkana. It felt so damn cold there suddenly, and because of sudden climate change I also got little bit sick for next days. About my things with girls in Kenya, maybe I will write a specific entry, but right now I will say that few days after I just understood that only thing that relieves my bad feeling is when I get another girl. So we started going to clubs with Carlos, and that is how I met my Kisii girl.For conclusion, Pokot and Turkana trip was still great adventure and surely also important experience. When we talk what I guess people expect from Africa, what they believe it to be... at least most of the people, then this is exactly what you will find in Turkana, where usual tourists doesn’t go. Tribals, colourful houses in a row in towns, really primitive huts scattered around the towns in a barren arid lands, lots of sand, acacia trees, straw tuffs, coats, camels, Moslems, people who don’t worry about anything much, motorcycle drivers doing almost proper sand rally, lots of meat for food and of course chapatis, these sticks that tribals use as toothbrush, amazing sunsets and moonlighted nights, lots of stars, etc. Only thing missing from the picture was a drum music and tribal dance. I really loved Pokot and Turkana, but still I was happy to get back to Eldoret. It is great to travel to Pokot to climb, and sometimes just travel around anywhere, but Eldoret is home.