Ei sihtasutuse Perekonna ja Traditsiooni Kaitseks petitsioonile

Sorry to those who have used to read my blog in English.. at least right now I wrote this entry only in Estonian, but as it is quite an universal problem I´m talking about here, I may translate it sometime. So check back at it sometime in a future.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” - Coco Chanel

Meile tuli paar päeva tagasi postkasti petitsioon sihtasutuselt Perekonna ja Traditsiooni kaitseks, mis põhimõtteliselt oli selgelt kirjutatud, et vähe mõtlevates inimestes paanikat tekitada. Selle kirjutajad üritasid tekitada tunnet justkui oleks heteroseksuaalsus, traditsionaalne perekond ja minu eriliseks üllatuseks ka isegi sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadus Eestis ohus. Kas teie olete selle juba saanud?

Kõigepealt tahan ma oma arvamuse lugejale selgeks teha, et ma olen täiesti veendunud heteroseksuaalne noormees, kellel isegi teatav homofoobia. Seega ei ole mul mingit eesmärki homo propagandat teha. Kuid ma olen salliv ja mõtleva, haritud inimesena sellise fanaatiliselt konservatiivse rühmituse paanika külvamise vastane, rääkimata sellest, et faktid mis petitsioonis olid esitatud ei olnud tõesed. Ise oleksin arvanud, et nende jutt on kõigile läbi nähtav, kuid nähes oma ema reaktsiooni sellele kirjale, sain aru, et paljud inimesed tõepoolest esimese hetkega tundes, et nad on homoseksuaalsuse levimisest häiritud, ei panegi tähele selle sihtasutuse ekstreemsust, millest see petitsioon tulvil oli. See pani mu kirjutama, lootuses, et ehk taoliseid asju lugedes teinekord mõeldakse ja uuritakse enne oma allkirja andmist.

Kõigepealt mainiks ära, et selle kirja ainus tõene fakt oli see, et tõepoolest on Justiitsministeeriumis ettevalmistamisel kooseluseaduse eelnõu. Siiski, esiteks eelnõu ei tähenda veel, et see seadus ka kindlasti vastu võetaks ja teiseks, isegi kuna ilmselt siiski võetakse, ei muudaks see eriti midagi muud kui vaid tõestaks, et meie põhiseadus, milles tunnistatakse iga inimese usulist, poliitilist ja seksuaalset eneseteostamise vabadust, on siiki kehtiv. Realistliku inimesena mõistan ma, et heteroseksuaalsus ei oleks sellest kuidagi ohustatud. Ohustatud on aga marukonservatiivsed maailmavaated. Nimetatud sihtasutus on aga selgelt just marukonservatiivne, mida võib võrrelda ka marurahvuslaste olemusega. Mõlemad on leidnud endale vastase, kes tegelikult ei häiri ega ohusta ju kedagi. Nii homo- kui ka ksenofoobid on häiritud vaid mõttest, et keegi, kes pole nagu nemad võiks saada nendega samad õigused. Minu arvates, andes oma allkirja sellele petitsioonile, ohustame me oma vabadusi palju enam. Sihtasutus Perekonna ja Traditsiooni Kaitseks näitab ju vabaduste arengut halvas valguses. Nad tahaksid õigusi vaid valitud seltskonnale ja hoida traditsioone, mis tõepoolest ammu ajast ja arust. Väites, et homoseksuaalidele vabaduste andmine vallandaks ahelreaktsiooni, õigustab see olukorda kus teatud rahva hulk ühiskonnast oleks selgelt alla surutud. Nende võitlus homoseksuaalsete õiguste vastu meenutab mulle seda, kuidas valged orjapidajad võitlesid ülejäänud rassidele inimõiguste laienemise vastu. Tänapäeval on rassism taunitud ja enamik inimesi võtab iseenesest mõistetavana, et ka mustanahaline võib käia valgetega samades asutustes ja end seal hästi tunda, võrdselt valgetega ametikohtadele kandideerida, kaevata kohtusse enda ründajaid, valida presidenti või isegi ise riigijuhiks tõusta. Miskipärast on senini aga hulk inimesi, kes tahaksid sarnaste piirangute rakendamise õigust homoseksuaalidele, just nagu ei oleks nemadki

Inimesed. Minul tekibki pigem küsimus, et millise tagurliku ahelreaktsiooni põhjustaks mõne ultrakonservatiivse organisatsiooni laialdane toetamine. Kas järgmiseks võtamegi taas õigused ka mustanahalistelt, moslemitelt ja teistelt vähemustelt? Kas unustame püüdlused soolisele võrdõiguslikkuse saavutamiseks ja muudame naised kodukanadeks, kes ei tohi midagi öelda ega midagi õppida vaid on sunnitud vaid kuuletuma mehele? Võibolla hakkame siis ka sunniviisiliselt levitama ristiusku, kuna see ju ülistab heteroseksuaalset suhet, traditsioonilist peret ja moraalsust üldiselt? Räägime siis veel sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadusest ning õigusriigist! Teate, vabandage väga, aga minu hääl läheb siis ikkagi vabaduste arengule – ka isegi siis kui see tähendab, et ma pean tänaval nägema suudlevaid homopaare. Minupärast seadustage homode abielud ja andke neile kasvõi õigus lapsendada. Ma ei näeks selles midagi halba. Kuigi ma olen hetero ja uhke selle üle, ei saagi ma aru, kuidas on ikka veel võimalik olukord, kus maailmas on veel inimesi, kes on seaduse silmis “võrdsemad” või “õigemad” vaid seepärast, et nad on enamik. Ma ei taha olla kahekümne esimese sajandi orjapidaja.

Petitsioonis kirjutati, et ilmselt peatselt hakataks ka homopropagandasse kriitiliselt suhtuvate inimeste sõna- ja tegutsemisvabadust piirama. Esiteks ei saa mina aru, mis homopropagandast jutt käib. Ma pole kunagi ühtegi homopropagandistlikku asja või aktsiooni näinud. Jah, mina ei trügi homoparaadi juurde, et agressiivselt oma foobset vaadet näidata. Igaljuhul sellise kartuse illustreerimiseks kasutatakse teist seaduseelnõud – vihkamise õhutamise kriminaliseerimist, mida nemad nimetavad (tsiteerin) homoaktivistide eestveetavaks asjaajamiseks. Vihkamise õhutamise kriminaliseerimine ei ole aga ju sõnavabaduse ära võtmine. Igal ühel jääb kuni Eesti Vabariik kehtib, õigus oma arvamust avaldada nii kaua kuni see ei kutsu kedagi üles vihategudele, mis kedagi võiks kahjustada. Sellest lähtuvalt tekib tunne, et nimetatud sihtasutuse liikmed peavad lausa oma õiguseks teise kodaniku või rahav grupi vastast viha õhutada. Muidu nad ju sellist seadust probleemseks ei peaks. Ei tasu minna homoparaadidele õelutsema ja rusikaid näitama. Üldsegi, ei ole ju konstruktiivne ka kuskil internetis kedagi sõimata vaid seepärast, et ta ei ole normaalne (minagi kasutan seda sõnagi siin vaid mõistes valdav/tavapärane). Oma arvamust saab ikka avaldada. Ma kusjuures olen kindel, et usklik rahvas laidab homode teguviisi avalikult, alati ja igavesti. Nad lihtsalt ei õhuta viha ja seega ei satu seadusega ka pahuksisse. Samuti ei saa lahti lasta ühtegi õpetajat, kasvatajat, kohtunikku, arsti või muud ametnikku vaid seepärast, et nad homoseksuaalset käitumist heaks ei kiida. Vallandada võiks aga arsti, kes ei teeninda homoseksuaali või kohtuniku/politseiniku, kelle tegevus on selgelt homo vastane, nende otsused just seksuaalsest sättumusest kõigutatud. Aga just nii see ju peakski olema, sest õigust arstiabi, haridust, õigusabi ja muid teenuseid saada on kõigil inimestel.

Kõige rohkem häiris mind kui õpetaja haridusega inimest selles petitsioonis aga vale, nagu oleks tulevikus arstidel ja õpetajatel kohustus homoseksuaalsest eluviisist rääkida kui igati tervest ja moraalsest eneseteostamise võimalusest. Nii see lihtsalt pole. Iga arst teab, et homoseksuaalsetel on suurem risk nakatuda suguhaigustesse. Ja iga inimene võib ka tulevikus oma moraalikoodeksi järgi õelda, et homoseksuaalsus ei ole moraalne. Rõhutan veel kord, usklikud nii kui nii ei hakka seda moraalselt kõlblikuks pidama ja igal õpetajal ja arstil on õigus olla mis iganes usku nad ka ei tahaks. Koolides kohe kindlasti ei hakata tegema mingit homo propagandat. Võibolla hakatakse rääkima sallivusest erinevate inimeste suhtes. Pigem räägivad õpetajad inimeseõpetuse ja ühiskonnaõpetuse tundides (ja ka arstid muidugi) ikka homoseksualismiga seonduvatest ühiskondlikest ja tervislikest ohtudest. Petitsioonis nimetatud sooneutraalne kasvatus on aga juba praegult kõigi edumeelsete õpetajate toetuse saanud, ega ole kuidagi moodi homoseksualismi propageeriv nähtus. Eeldatavalt peaks sooneutraalne kasvatus suurendama soolist võrdõiguslikkust ning taaskord sallivuse suurendamiseks. Kogu maailm ei ole ega peagi olema täis vaid macho mehi ja õrnakesi naiselikke preilnaid. On ka igasuguseid vahepealseid. Sooneutraalne kasvatus lihtsalt aktsepteerib iga ühte isiksusena ilma nende kohta soost lähtuvaid eelarvamusi võtmata. Kogu ühiskond võiks olla rohkem sooneutraalsem. Mina tõesti arvan, et soorollid on iganenud asjad. Mees kes on õrna hingega ja õpetab lastele kunsti, ei peaks olema tabu. Samamoodi ei tohiks kiusamise ohvriks langeda poisike koolis, kes hakkab käima tantsutundides vmt. See on sooneutraalsus.

ACTA against the better judgement

I didn't go to protest action, but I came to the idea that I will write today to my blog and make my fight like that. Even though I'm small time artist and haven't really earned much anything with my art, I have my art up in internet on many sites, and therefore it is vulnerable for theft... but I don't care, I'm still against such laws as ACTA. What ACTA really is? It is yet another control mechanism and a censorship. Ask yourself for whom it should be. Answer is that such thing should protect the interests of authors. Yet you can see that many authors themselves are against that law. It is not for us. To whom it really is, is politicians and especially companies. Authors lose only some money because of piracy, yet the same piracy greatly expands the opportunities for most of the authors to be known in the first place. As long as piracy of creative property has existed, it really has only been useful for artists. Piracy has broadened the field of art and only created more artists. Some copying artists have even made the original artist more famous and selling than he/she ever was before. I would let anyone steal my art from internet rather than have ACTA like laws. The ones who earn from it are companies and maybe few very mainstream artists. And ACTA also creates legal right for more control for those who already have too much control over others. We need freedom. greatest need for artist is a freedom. Therefore you can easily say that such laws are just making world more uniform or limited. Is money really what artist wants. NO! I have only small money now, but what really is my greatest wish all the time, is the opportunity to share my creation and mainly to get something for it in the same form - art against art. Sure, I would want money too, but I have accepted that for getting real money I should do some different kind of work. Right now we still have possibility to get music and movies created by small artists and producers from other sides of the world. I don't mean USA but much more remote places where really cool things are done. How can you get such things when laws close down all unconventional and "illegal" sources. I wouldn't even know half of the artists I know now, if internet would be more controlled.

In Sweden internet piracy was registered as a belief, and I really see why. Some people really believe that nowdays it is only possible solution to have a world where money and power aren't most important, and the lifestyle that saves us from damned global homogenizing of culture and art going under big business. I think all people say that without music and art life would be depressing, but hell, I would be depressed if only music I could reach and/or afford, would be some mainstream pop-things. Already in 80-s and 90-s it was said that tape recording music from radio will be the death blow to music. What actually happened was, that the greater market, greater choice of different creation and soon also easier ways to get anything came to be. MBasically more culture and cheaper culture. You want to know the truth - without pirated or otherways not quite legal music, we would lose very many of good parties. And artists would lose lots of inspirational material to make some of their own good creative material. Probably entire next generation would be much less creative. And still today they say the same. Piracy kills creativity. No, piracy is bad only to big producers and big names. What kills creativity is exactly the opposite of piracy - making laws that allow only big companies and selected few artists to flourish. You know what would be good solution against piracy and intellectual theft? Lots of small producers who take small artists to produce their music, films, games, books, etc; lots of small shops that take things to sell from all kinds of artists and producers with smaller quantities and smaller prices. Maybe profits would be little bit smaller, but actually I believe that twice smaller prices would bring much more clients. And make really all kinds of different things from different parts of the world available in internet shops to be downloaded. But it is pretty impossible - which salesman cares to search for some artists in African slums or Mesoamerican small town. And therefore I believe that nothing replaces piracy as a mode to share from person to person, so that wherever you are in a world, you may get some movie made in Lebanon or Nigerian dancemusic or traditional music from South-China, or painting from some artist of some small town in Brazil. This is simply what people need. So what if 100 people seeing my art in internet just copy it to their hardrive, but when my art travels enough that way, then probably 101st person asks me if he/she can really buy some original work.

And ACTA isn't only just against piracy. It is good ground for all kinds of limits. It is good ground for censorship and internet espionage. Basically when right now I can quote anyone in my blog, then ACTA creates possibility that such use of someone else's text is theft without permission. I understand, for politicians it is good way to control free journalism. Or another possible problem for anyone having their own independent internet site - if right now I don't have to care where some link that has been added to my blog either by myself or someone else, may lead, then after some such harsh laws, I may be criminal if anything from my site leads to illegal internet pages. And actually I can't even do much if someone would put a link to my chatbox. Only way to remove someone else's post from there, would be to delete all entries or even remove the chatbox. I would rather live in "communist" China. And really, as I have already wrote in my earlier blog entries, one reason why I want to leave Europe and go back to Kenya, is our lack of freedom. It is such a lie that we live in most democratic and free areas in the world.

Heart far far away land

Few days ago was my first time of hitchhiking in this year. It was good feeling to be on a road again and feel the nature around and wait for uncertainty of some stranger to pick me up. I'm now very anxious to get to my Eurotrip. Yeah, I'm going away again soon. I don't make many plans. Yes I'm preparing a little, and basically set goal to get to Spain, but only God knows if it goes so. If fate has different plans, then I may also end up in some other place. Anyway, somewhere in west I try to find a job and I know that also Spain has lots of problems with unemployment, but I still hope, as I'm tired of pedantic, serious and cold natured nordic people. I just can't stay in Estonia anymore, even more because I simply don't have anything to do here.

I printed myself a T-shirt where is written "Traveller looking for a job or host" (My sister said that it is good idea and Kudrun agreed by saying that I'm canny). Shirt is very nice and smart - black shining text with a really well chosen good and hip shrift on pure white. I also bought new shoes today. Finally I found exactly what I was looking for. It has been very hard to find something as good as my old Converse Weapons were, as suddenly all shoes have changed into either too flashy or too simple. Also new shoes have weird bottoms made of simple rubber and at least it feels that the way how it's just glued to the shoe, probably these shoes can't perdure for long. Fuck you Vans... these are no good shoes for anything - hiking, skateboarding, parkour... and they simply lack the style. Converse Weapons were the real style and durability in one package and could be weared pretty much everywhere, doing whatever (only need football shoes for stadium), and now I think new ones from Cropp (http://www.cropp.com/), model CroppRXI, are good new quality. Well at least what I already know is that they are comfortable and because they also look pretty much the same as Converse Weapons, at least for me that means they are stylish. But by looking the work quality, I am quite sure they also last. I still have some things to buy before going - a small pillow - exotic looking if possible - Indian for example, headlight, cheap hair cutting machine, as now I'm getting slowly used to my short or pretty much non-existant hair and I just can't let myself to grow into caveman on this trip (I still would like to get my hair back sometime in a future, but for now I will be bold)... same cutter will do also for my beard... small things like notebook, toothpaste, etc, but otherwise I'm ready to go. Even this warm-up hitchhiking gave me good nudge for courage. BTW, it was pretty cool because guy who picked me up was true modern cowboy/hillbilly. Yes he had a big offroad car with satnav system, and he was dressed in checkered flannel shirt, a jacket without sleeves, moustache and almost-cowboy hat. He even had such character that you really feel that this guy is some serious country fella. And he listened old music from radio Elmar (and you can hear quite a lot of country music from there), so at some point an old LADA car turned front of us, then I pretty much was carried to past... to the independence days of Estonia. Not that I would be much of a nostalgy lover, but this was really cool moment. Anyway yes, I'm psychologically already prepared and willing.

This day when I hitchhiked I met my best friend forever (not very my style to say so, but it is true), Kudrun, and she said that she can't believe that I'm going away again. She said that although she has always believed that I belong to the road or far-away lands, but it is still unbelievable that I'm going. But after reading a draft of following text about how much I miss Kenya, Africa, or actually even any southern place where people smile and are not drained by life as we here in Estonia, she also said that she doesn't understand how I survived this winter. I have to say that it was one of the two of the hardest winters in my life and it demanded a lot of willpower and other mental survival strategies to not to give up. Oh, don't worry about me now. Actually I know that I always come through even hardest of hell and when sun shines again, it helps me up again. I have always said that there are two things sure about me... when even I don't know anything else about myself surely, then at least I know that I don't give up on life and I don't turn Christian. Ok, now I ain't sure even the second, as I thought that who knows, if I live rest of my life in Kenya with a Christian woman, then perhaps even I can be turned to this path. But sure is that in past I have actually thought about suicide, but I simply couldn't do that. So I changed my thinking. I changed my belief. Now when everything is shadowed I just turn my face to the sun and go on. I have learned to help myself and know that there is nothing hopeless... if things have been bad for a long time, then I simply have to look for any kind of change... sooner or later comes a success again. Now I believe into holiness of life. Not as most religious people do, but more because giving up needs only strength for one last time, but when you carry on, then you start to see the miraculous, wonderous world and finally you obtain that trait that I admire most about southlanders - optimism and positive attitude towards pretty much everything. I have often heared Africans to say when they are asked what is the secret to their constant smile (and of course not a fake smile like my mum thinks): "We are happy, this is just who we are." Maybe I will never be entirely like them, although I experienced that this positivity and optimism is very much "infectuous", but even if I will be gloomier and more serious than they, I want to live in a society where I'm pretty much only guy like that. Even if there is ten or hundred other people who are serious, tired and bored, it would be improvement, as in Estonia I see only "dead" people. In Estonia, smily faces in everyday life are so rare that when you see them, it is not enough to load my batteries and it is not enough to get a smile onto my face too. I have said that I'm like solar battery - when sun is out, then I have energy, but additionally to sun also people's emotions and general surrounding beauty have great effect on me. This winter was even so hard that when normally reggae music makes me feel happier, in this winter there was a period when all reggae, dancehall, even soca music seemed either sad or annoying false happiness. How could I have felt so. Because I miss something so much that it actually feels I have a hollow place inside me... there is something missing... a lot is missing.

In the beginning of this week was a volunteers trade fair here in Tallinn, and of course I along with other volunteers who had their service outside of Europe, had to talk about this experience. Truthfully, even though I'd like to share my tale, I simply have felt that it is mission impossible. Only one who has understood a little about what it really was, is my grandmother, and to her I have shown pictures and talked about it already over half a year. So now I have felt that I don't want to make people understand our experience (they never will unless they go and live it through by themselves, but what I want is to get back there. Well ok, this was actually what we were supposed to say to these people who listened, but still it felt that they can't hear what we say. Come on, I say that it was such an intense experiense and I want to get back there... for good... how can't you relate to that message, how you don't understand it. But I know, before going, I was also just obsessed of Africa, actually I would never had taken seriously the idea of working to gather the money to move all my life there, to marry an African girl and do whatever there for living. It just sounds so surreal. But now it is only truth I know. And I say to you who think about going to such voluntary service, that sure go, it probably will be amazing experience, but you must also understand that leaving may be hardest part. Before going I was sure that I like this experience, but I couldn't have had idea of how much it changes me.

Have I wrote in my blog that I miss Kenya? I don't remember speciffically any post, but I believe I have done that already many times. Even when I write that I miss my friends there or my sweetheart, then actually it means that I miss Kenya too, as they without Kenya are nothing. Well, this time I wanted to make sure that people would get some idea how much I miss Kenya and what it feels like to be right here now, thousands of kilometers away from that paradiseland. Ok, first of all I must say that I know Kenya has many bad things too and probably when I get there, I have lots of days when there is only routine and maybe even stress from hard time when I try to set up my life there, or feeling of idledness in some days, but as I wrote a comment to the photo of one of my friends, that was named by another commenter to depict a paradise, although it was just a very green street - I wrote that Paradise doesn't have to be some place full of nature (it may be, but doesn't have to), but Paradise is a state of mind, it is feeling and in some cases a connection with certain place or something actual. So everyone has their own Paradise. And even though Kenya has lots of crime because of what especially I, a white guy, is in danger,... and Kenya has lots of corruption, not very great educational system or healthcare, there is lots of slums where people live in shacks and litter the streets around them with garbage, it is still so deeply rooted in my heart. It is so because of many things... much more than bad things, is there things that I like and without what my life seems emptier. I think about Kenya all the time. What ever I do in Estonia, or what ever I see here, everything turns my mind to Kenya. I think how different it was. I know that something being better or worse than something else is very relative, but the different effect comes clear to me when I remember how in Kenya even worst days weren't so bad that I would say that I want to get back to my home and to my people. No I said to myself: "Yes I feel bad right now as this wasn't like I hoped, but don't worry, I'll get over it and I fix things. There is nothing better in Estonia." I have always said that I didn't had a culture shock, as there wasn't anything in their culture that I would condemn for being the reason of my bad feeling and at the same time I always thought how nature of Estonians and our living style, our system, our culture and even our climate has made me feel bad countless of times and then... then I have always judged our world we live in Estonia. I have felt cultural stress for a long time, but in Estonia... In Kenya I was released from that burden. There everything seemed more natural and more homely, than in a country where I have grown and lived my entire life. I have asked myself how is it possible that I grew to fit into another culture, but actually answer is simple. You know that people learn all their life. During their life they start understanding what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, and usually they grow to think that what is so close to them is right and good, but sometimes some people don't find these good and right things with their exploration of their nearby surroundings. Some understand that things you may see in your life, teached by your parents and in school, things that are carrying our own culture as it is, may not be best, might not be the only truth. Such a person was I. I learned early to not to take things self-evident. I learned to criticize even closest things, even things that I did. And over time I found a lot of problematic things to what I didn't find solution. But I looked from wrong place... solution was accepting what is here as Paradise for others but finding myself another place. In Kenya I understood, that this place is closer to my soul than my fatherland. I'm not a patriot, but patriotism without reason is overrated anyway. And by the way, also in this trade fair I said that Estonia is very good place to rest... no not for vacation, but for resting. Estonia is quiet and boring, fairly tolerant place where most people try not to disturb eachother... would it be even simple talking to you. Here you can be alone and rest from intense socializing, colourful and crazy cultures and from working, as Estonia because due to bad working conditions, arrogant and selfish employers and low payments can't even be called good working environment (even though most Estonians are laborious, hard working and loyal to work ethics), but Estonia isn't place to live. This is not life we do here... it is somehow dealing with inevitable. Living is feeling, expressing, experimenting, being active for enjoyment, etc. Again I understand that maybe some here find it enjoyable and they really can live here, but not me.

Kenya opened a whole new dimension for me. Like in sauna your pores open and you can't do anything but sweat and enjoy it, so was Kenya for me in sense of feelings. Of course I have feelings also in Estonia, but in Kenya these got so strong and conquered me, became the sole reason, became the source of enjoyment no matter what I currently felt. Intense, this is the key word. Compared to that, Estonia is simply boring and pointless. Unlike Mykolas, I have never felt that Kenya was like a dream in sense that it blurrs and seems somewhat unreal and in some parts not understandable. For me that place is Estonia. It is not entirely bad dream, but it is weird and foggy, slowpaced and full of gaps. But even when I'm back now in Estonia, through my mind I imagine many things to be what it used to be in Kenya. It was so in first days after return and even more now, soon a year after the end of my first Kenya adventure. I have constantly dreams and daydreams about Kenya. In my mind it is so close that I can still touch, smell, hear and feel things that I remember and imagine. I remember and dream and then reality in Estonia seems so painful for me... pain from missing something so much. Everyone knows some people who read fantasy tales or play computer games and then hope that they would live in this wonderous world. Well, even I was such guy... a fantasy dork... until I found my dreamworld to be real. Like I think Kudrun would say, it brought me inspiration... it brought me so much creativity what is often very hard to find for me when I'm in Estonia. In Kenya borders between creativity and reality blurred many times. In Kenya I killed a dragon and found my princess, there was a Lucky Mouse People and green jungle giraffes, lonely pink panther, Mountain God, oh and another princess, a sleeping one, soldier ants and much more. Sometimes I think that even robbers were from some cool action game or RPG... partly mystified. The thought of it now and when I directly experienced this fantastical crazy world, turned life so colourful. I would gladly learn through my own mistakes or discoveries fed to me by environment, these hundreds of pieces of wisdom  how to protect myself from robbers, if I only could feel some excitement and adventure. Kenya, probably entire Africa is interactive world. There you can't live headphones or blinders on head (fact here.. I had lots of music with me in mp3 player, but I rarely listened it... I think some of the music I maybe even didn't), you can't be individualist and you can't expect things already known to you, happen again the same way. It is not a comfort zone, although even in Africa you can create a little comfort zone where to escape when you need it, this world, it is constant movement to somewhere and never getting used to something. It is moving...where?... who the hell knows that. Constant movement and changes anyway. If you get too used to something and get too comfortable not to hold your mind on it, this world throws you with something... or throws you into something new. True, it is dangerous, but then again you rarely feel routine there and I guess this is what holds also local people there so vigilant and lively. I don't agree with those who say that everything is stopped in Africa. Yes you can't be sure of agreements and people take time with everything, but this is actually much closer to the pace of nature.

Estonia rarely speaks or touches me, and I don't care most of the so called Estonian culture. But in Africa everything has symbolic meaning or reason. Sometimes quite naive, but many things that come straight from the heart, may be naive and cliche. I think I'm also often pretty naive. But sometimes these symbolic meanings and reasons are perhaps even deeper than ones in our "complex" culture. Sometimes it is subconcious and people don't understand it by themselves, sometimes they try to hide the real meanings (But then finding it out can become obsession that gives activity for days or even months.. and everything shouldn't be offered on a silver plate. Researching and discovering is one of the greatest delights offered to humans, why to make it easy for yourself and spoil all the fun, by living in a place where everything is so ordered, simple and self-evident). These mysteries and symbols have lots of character and show that it takes ages to fully understand the models this society uses to work. Knowing this, it only raises my interest to learn more. In Estonia the coherence of self-evidency and this weird non-interacting world and people (if any Estonian have objections to the fact that Estonians generally are not very social, then think about football players who simply don't communicate, how people don't show half their emotions out, how people don't come to streets to protest when they don't like something, how teenager who should be with a boiling blood, goes home without even saying hello or go-to-hell-o to parents, closes the door both literally and symbolically... that we call character of Estonian. It is emptiness and it is barrier), creates only ill feelings and melancholy. And when you try to do something, just to be active, then it seems so artificial and stressful or simply not worthy enough. Yeah, I'm adrenalin junkie. For happiness I need more than superficial social activities or just wasting time, I need not order and security, if then only a little bit. But I need some excitement... no matter if it comes from rock climbing or living in crazy, buzzing environment or something entirely else. I need enjoyment from intensity and emotionality. And I need to do do something that is not important for some greedy businessman, but for myself. This reminded me - through Kudrun's link in Facebook I found some maps that show how people of some certain countries in  the world describe other people - like what French think about other Europeans... or what characterizes the women of every country, or what things are we known by when asked from German, or political picture through the eyes of an American. Guess what... Estonians were always either primitive, cold, melancholic or unknown (and why... because we don't show any sign of ourselves) and I'm no way proud of such characteristics. What is peacefulness if you are just a buffer zone between Free World and Communists or Russian Mafia or what ever are the generalizising simple minded views of different peoples about modern Russia? What is beauty of our women when we are dead inside? What good is of ethics when people die because of boredness or being a good lapdog?

Aight, it came out a little bit more criticizing than I wanted, but this often happens when I now talk what I feel about Estonia and why I'm so determined to move away. Actually I still find many things that I find hard to leave when I leave Estonia, and I'm not all so anti-Estonian all the time. Usually when I miss my girl and my life in Kenya little bit less, then I wouldn't go so far to stamp everything in Estonia meaningless and puny, but as I wanted to show the extreme feeling of missing something so much, then I allowed myself that freedom to say everything out that I think from time to time. And I'm actually much more positive. True I want to work my way back to Kenya and when my plans get hit back, then I get angry and sad and desperate, but those who know me personaly, I think they understand why I named myself Jolly Juwarra.

Like my friend Janika said: "But missing can be good too, some day when you get to your girl, you start to miss that feeling you have now". Or something like that. But she also wrote to her blog that longterm determination is one of the greatest mysteries. To believe into yourself and never give up. Going forward. That way, reaching your destination or goal is only matter of time. I would add to that, that if you are so determined, then so strong feelings like I have, are normal, and even when you may be somewhat disturbed by that sadness of so great longing, then actually it helps you to reach this destination... or destiny.

One more example from somewhat weird feelings I have. Today we went to graveyard where my father's parents and one of my sister is buried. Grandparents died 1993 and 94 and I even haven't seen my firstborn sister as she died  a little after the birth, but today tears came to my eyes there. Of course I miss my grandparents, but it is long time since their death and I have never got tears when we visit graveyard. But now when I know that I will leave, and who knows maybe I don't ever get to go to their graves, it simply overwhelmed me. I put a candle and clapped my hands together and bowed like Shinto believers do to honour their forefathers at shrine. Graves don't have any special significance to me, nor do I believe that spirits have that kind of connection to material world that they would follow us and look if they are remembered, but somehow I felt that I need to perform that ritual. Just for my own sake.

So so, I hope in my travels I will have also some possibilities to write, but then again from Kenya times I also learned that a lot can happen that delays or entirely takes interest to post news.
What else... feel irie people!

Problems of Africa

I wrote about how I found the paradises in Kenya, but for the sake of balance I should also write about what scares white people from staying in this paradise, the things that make it backwards third world country. I'm pretty sure that at least most of it applies to entire Africa. Oh yeah, and I want to say, that I understand why some people doesn't understand my wish to go to live there, but I also want to explain how little this bad side disturbs me. When you go to Africa, you find lots of things that are different, annoying, dangerous and weird. Same time you are also most exited of everything beautiful and exotic. But then, after a little you get used to things.. kind of. This is the moment of truth, you either fall in love with this world and life there or you understand that your home is much better. I just fell into the first category. I can even pretty much say that I'm disappointed of how things are in my home country and I'm disappointed of the great western civilization. It is too cold, too calculated, organized.. and in my oppinion also unstable. Ok, you can ask me after reading this chapter about how I find more stability in Africa, but what I can already say, is that I will be more happy there.
But yes, I admit that Africa has its own set of problems. And actually we went there to do some voluntary work and change something. We were invited by them, that alone shows that even locals understand that everything isn't exactly the best. We also asked, why to call white people, why not to do it by themselves, because if they understand the problem, then it shouldn't be too hard to fix it. We got answer that if local would call people up to do something, they usually don't come, but whites are always great role models to follow. Probably also funds that they get together with our arrival, play important role. Certainly everyone understands that we can't change much.. we could plant some ideas, change maybe some individuals, but what happens when we leave. It is possible that instead of spreading like a chainreaction, these ideas are more like a campfire. They burn for a little more time, but then lose gradually the power until nothing much is left. So basically first problem is the attitude of the locals. They don't believe into themselves enough. Yet, even if they have the will and belief, then for them it is often much harder to start. Often they don't have corresponding infrastructure to make the change work. No one listens them, no one takes them seriously and no one gives them needed money. Municipalities don't have enough money to give to anyone who goes and tells that he wants to start a great program. Yeah, they often don't trust locals either. If there is white people with locals, then municipality seems to be more certain that the funding goes where it is supposed to. Why money can vanish in the hands of the locals - quick answer is corruption and all kinds of shady movements of that money. They don't have so much bureucracy like we. They don't have to hold the proper accounting, etc. So it is easy just to lose the money. Also, locals often don't have clear plans in their heads. They have some idea, but when they start implementing it, then it is quite probable that they use more resources than needed.
Yes, locals have good ideas and intentions, but so often it gets damn messy in just a little time. Good, critically thought out, detailed and practical plans from what maximum gain would rise, are so hard to find. And even if you think that ok, now we got some kind of plan that may work, then for some reason everyone seem to simply forget about it. Everything goes into zero again and then they start protecting themselves, why they didn't implement that plan. "Plans can be made by man and plans can be unmade by man" (Wesley Chirchir). So it is.. plans are made and made again.. and again.. and again, and real action starts to seem like a unreachable dream.
Our project didn’t get its start for a long time, only “environmental leaders” Josiah and Justinas were so much activists that they simply took everything into their hands. They made plans, went to municipal council to get their approval and some things like garbage trucks for cleanups, they discussed with Green Eldoret Initiative and got them interested too, and real action took place. Still, how useful was that - this is arguable. Truth is, what we together with some local kids cleaned up, as much or even more garbage had soon replaced that. And I saw from the start the need to raise the awareness of the people not just make some cleanup days. Problem is, population is greatly forced into this situation. Even if we could tell people how much pollution, how great hazard for the health of people and animals garbage creates, both when burned or when just thrown into the piles at some street side, then what, they actually don't have any other good options. They have nowhere to put all this garbage. We were told that in the past municipality organized garbage trucks to pick up the garbage from outer districts, but people there is so poor that they simply couldn’t pay for that service. So they cancelled it. Only town centre has bins and garbage trucks making circles. We could tell people how not to create so much pollution. They shouldn’t take plastic bags from shops and markets, they should re-use whatever they could. But yeah, we had really little opportunity to reach to these people. We had chances to teach some children, but how much will they use that knowledge in actual life. Also I think it would be in vain to talk with chiefs of the localities or with people in town hall. They surely say: “Yes, that is very big problem, I think we come up with some plan,” but actually this is where it ends. Surely they know about the problems, but they don't care enough. They have low budget, other problems, and of course.. corruption.
Similar situations are with education, human rights, gender equality, public health, poverty, tolerance, traffic and accidents and I don’t know what else. In this country there are the lucky ones who can have a really happy life, but in slums surrounding the cities and towns where is most of the population living, people are left alone with all these prroblems. Ok, some problems are not the business of authorities, but some problems critically need someone’s attention and assistance. Maybe this large mass of population should put some more pressure on officials, but surely in some cases they should also think if Jesus really sets their life as it is and has to be, or perhaps they could do something also by themselves and create a change. Ok, there are great problems in this country and surely you wouldn’t want to fall under the great hand of corruption, but still, I would say that when compared with all the good you can get there, it is worth everything. And you can always protect yourself from these problems. For example I plan to build my home and guesthouse as independent as possible – just a little bit away from town I hope, with wind generator or solar panels, maybe also have my own water pump, so far the problem with such location would be the lack of sewer system what I certainly need. I plan to find myself European or American doctor who can give good professional help. I already know many things about crime and how to avoid it and surely will learn more about it. I have many friends and some people who can assist me with different problems I can have in the beginning. Maybe in future I can even help some unlucky locals myself by teaching them art and some other things, or by offering employment. One thing I say, when you go to Kenya, don’t give money to street kids. They probably only use it to buy glue to breath. If you really want to help these kids, then buy them some food or something else useful, or donate to some official aid organization.

Some photos of reality in Kenyan town in the next post. Town centre, slums, schools, street kids, everything that can be shown on photos. Ok, you simply will see visually how it is, but still, reality is more.. it is how people socialize, their thoughts, culture, it is the smell, sound, feelings. Therefore I think that maybe I will write few comments between the photos in the next post too.

Pärast pimedat talve

To live is like to love.. all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it – Samuel Butler

Uskumatu küll, aga töö puudumine, majanduskriis ja oma vanematest sõltumine toovad endaga kaasa tõsise tuju languse. No mis nii uskumatu, aga isegi mina, kes ma usun vähese raha ja vähese töö tegemise kasulikkusesse, leidsin ennast minule täiesti mitteomasest negatiivsete tunnete puntrast. Ununes missioon maailma muuta, kadus teotahe, tekkisid viha ja masendus. Kõik hea justkui kadus mu peast kuhugile. Veel enamgi, kõige selle jama kohapealt tekkis justkui pimedus - midagi ei osanud enam ette võtta. Ma küll ise tundsin ju kogu aeg, et asjad on valesti jaminu mõtlemine on erinev sellest, millesse ma tegelikult usun ja ma isegi teadsin ju ka oma varasemaid nägemusi, aga miskipärast need enam ei kehtinud. Justkui täielikult ununes, et ma ise olen enda mõtlemise peremees ning ma ise loon tahtejõudu. Need ei tulene millegist välisest, mis järsku võiks väheneda või ära kaduda. Ma polnud juba kaua mõelnud, et elu on kõik crap ja seda poleks üldse vaja. Seda enam tundub see jõhkralt irooniline, et sügisel ma ju kirjutasin sellest, kuidas noortel elutahe kaob.

Õnneks tuli nüüd kevad ja koos päikesega tõusis horisondi tagant ka minu tuju. Mitte iga aasta talvel ei ole ma niimoodi masenduses, kuid aktiivsus väheneb küll ja veidi melanhoolsemaks muutun vast ka. Sel aastal oli aga asi hullem ja tuleb tunnistada, et selle põhjuseks ongi, et talveperiood ühtis probleemidega tööd leida. Aga miks see nii laastavalt mõjub, kui ma vähese rahaga harjunud olen? See on ju täiesti loomulik, et võimetus tööd saada hoolimata, et mul on hea kõrgharidus ja, et ma selle nimel ebanormaalselt palju "võimlen" ning ennast, oma põhimõtteid ohvriks toon, alandab selgelt enesehinnangut. Siiski on asjal ka puht majanduslik külg. Terve ülikooli aja olin ma pärast selle lõpetamist endale oma kodu luua ja nüüd järsku pidi tõdema, et mida ma ka ei proovi, ei taha see teoks saada. Siis avastad järgmiseks, et kriis aina süveneb. Isegi kui olen nii vähe nõudlik kui üldse saab, siis sõpradega tahaks ikka kokku saada, käia kunstinäitusel või pelmeenikohvikus, vahel väikese veini juua, võtta üle pika aja osa mõnest mõnusast reggae peost. Aga ühel hetkel pole isegi selleks võimalust. Siis tundub, et ilma rahata ei ole sa enam midagi väärt. Sul pole võimalik teha seda, mida su sõbrad sindkutsuvad tegema. Päris häbi ei teki, aga endast hakkab hale, kui teistega kokku saada. Vaikselt areneb isiklik väike sotsiaalne kriis. Vägisi tekib mõte, et sellisena pole sind kellegile vaja, sest sa oled pidur, oled igav ja tülikas oma muredega.

Ega ma pole tegelikult ikka veel tööd saanud ja raha hetkel peaaegu pole, tehes mind täielikult sõltuvaks vanematest. Seda hullem, et nende arust on kõik minu enda viga ja seepärast pidevalt vingutakse ka veel mu kallal. Aga nagu ma ütlesin, on inimese tahe ja emotsioonid pigem omavahel seotud, mitte seotud majandusliku olukorra või kindla kohaga maailmas. Selle tahte peadki siis kusagilt enda seest peidust üles leidma ning kasutama seda mõtlemisvõime, aktiivsuse ja positiivsemate emotsioonide taasleidmiseks. Sealt edasi võib elu küll olla endiselt raske, kuid vähemalt väärtuslik. Ma olen võitleja.

Tööturu kriisist veel nii palju, et veidi aega tagasi vaatasi jälle "Foorumit", kus oli teemaks loomulikult majanduslangus ja otsiti võimalusi sellest edukalt välja tulekuks. Külalisteks olid erinevad kõvad majandustegijad ja targad mehed majandus kõrgkoolidest. Kuigi tavalise selles saates areneva kõva vaidluse asemel, näitasid need mehed väga head üksmeelset arvamust ja loogilise arendusega diskussiooni, oli minu jaoks nende mõtetes mitu küsitavat kohta. Neid ma siin välja tooksingi.

Minu jaoks oli eriti häiriv ütlus selle kohta, et ümberõpe ja suur tööjõu ringlus on täiesti normaalne. Nojah, majandusele tähendab see jõudu, aga kas keegi ka inimfaktorile mõtleb. Jällegi tuleks siinkohal korrata, et mitte inimene ei peaks olema süsteemi jaoks vaid süsteem inimese jaoks. Kui peetakse normaalseks, et üks inimene ei peagi kaua sama töö peal olema, vaid pidevalt ootamatuid vallandamisi ja koondamisi ning nendega kaasas käivaid individuaalseid probleeme trotsides pidevalt uut tööd otsima. Vahepeal veel lisaks pidevalt uusi ja uusi erialasid õppima, et kinni püüda mõni tööots, millest sa kunagi unistanud pole, millega sul pole mingit ühendust ja kus seepärast ülemused pidevalt sinu väikese entusiasmi kohta märkusi teevad. Selle inimese jaoks tähendaks see seda, et tema elus ei ole mingit stabiilsust. Vähe sellest, et kahaneb ta majanduslik kindlus, ka ükski pank ei taha sulle laenu anda (mitte, et see üldse eriti hea oleks), sest sa pidevalt reisid ühest töökohast teise, saad väikest palka, aga kõige hullem on see, et taoline elu viib väga kergesti stressi ning väärtushinnangute kriisini. Inimene peaks pidevalt juurde õppima, kuid kas on tal selleks kriitilist sundust vaja. Arvate, et kui pidevalt uut juurde õppida, siis peaks ju arvamus enesest tõusma ja profesionaalsus suurenema. Jah, idealistlikus pildis küll, kuid kui siis ikkagi ei saa oma töös ja elus kindel olla, siis tekib inimesel hoopis arusaam, et ma olen tark, aktiivne ja veel kümmet eri moodi hea tegija, kuid tegelikkuses ei huvita see kedagi. Tegelikkuses olen ma lihtsalt võimuliinide ja/või korporatiivsete juhtkondade mängukann. Ja siis imestatakse, et miks on paljudel oma ülemuste või eksülemuste vastu viha ning rahulolematus kogu süsteemi suhtes.

Teiseks.. riigis, kus juba varakult, võibolla isegi enne kogu ametliku hariduskaruselli algust, kindlalt aga juba algkoolis, üritatakse meile selgeks teha, et meie jaoks on kõik võimalused avatud ning meil on õigus ennast arendada just meie enda soovide ning loomupäraste eelduste järgi. Vähemasti mind nii õpetati ja üldiselt see oleks ka normaalne, sest inimene ei saa ennast motiveerida tegelema millegiga, milleks tal pole ei huvisid ega eeldusi. Töö juures on ju aga motivatsioon väga tähtis. Kõvast rahapatakast aga ei piisa ja nii kui nii ka palkasid pidevalt nüüd vähendatakse, võetakse vähemaks kõiksuguseid soodustusi ning motiveerivat ei ole enam kuskilt otsast näha.

Mina, kes ma pärinen suguvõsast, kus kunstiga tegelevaid inimesi on palju, olen juba sünnipäraselt huvitatud kultuurist ja selle arendamisest. See on mul geenides. Nüüd olen ma magistrikraadiga kunstiõpetaja haridusega noormees, kellel pole juba pea terve aasta tööd olnud. Aga ma tean, et miski, mis jääks väljapoole kunsti, kultuuri, filmitööstust, haridust, disaini ja ütleme ka reklaami ning mõne huviala järgi veel lisaks ehk ajalugu ja poliitikat, siis nende asjadega ei saaks ma hakkama ega oleks kunagi rahul enda eluga, mis mingi suvalise töö ümber oleks ehitatud. Ma olen küll väga laialdaste huvidega, aga siiski tundub piir peal olevat. Inimene peab küll pidevalt edasi arenema, kuid seda ikka selles valdkonnas, kuhu kuulub tema süda. See annab inimesele jõudu, kui ta saab öelda, et selle ala olen ma endale leidnud ja valinud, see mulle meeldib, seda teen ma hästi ja seepärast olen ma hinnatud.

Need majandusanalüütikud tõid ühiskonna eduka juhtimise kohta näite, et maailma suurimate ja võimsaimate majandustega riikide valitsused koosnevad enamasti juura ja majandusala asjatundjatest. Mul tekkis seepeale küll küsimus, et kui palju tunneb siis vastavalt üks või teine spetsialist haridust, tervishoidu, reaalpoliitikat näiteks välissuhetes, kultuuri või ausalt öeldes ükskõik millist nende otsese elualaga seotud sfääri vajadusi. Veel enam, mis saaks sellisel juhul isiku vabadustest. Kas saaks tõesti teoks kord, kus kõik on numbrite ja paragraafide järgi just süsteemi efektiivsuse jaoks korraldatud. Kui süsteem muuta sel viisil efektiivsemaks, siis kujutage ette, kui jõhker oleks otsustav kogu ja täideviiv võim. Nende suurte majandusriikide puhul saabki ju tuua hulga näiteid, kuidas piiratakse eraisiku vabadusi, kuidas vabadused on puhtalt formaalsus paberil ning kuidas tegelik võim on kas salaluure ja eliidi tipu või suurkorporatsioonide käes, kes teeb kõik, et mingil muttril poleks vähimatki võimalust midagi tegelikult muuta.

Hea küll, ma saan ju loomulikult aru, et mitte kõikide lapsepõlve roosad unistused parimast tööst ei lähe täide. Lihtsalt ei ole nii palju tellimust mõningate erialade töötajate järele, kui meie enda eelduste ja huvide põhjal tahaksime loota. Kuid see ei tähenda, et saaks normaalseks pidada olukorda, kus kodanik ei saa kuidagi oma ametiposti säilimises kindel olla või ka sellega, et hoolimata vähesele reaalsele tellimusele teatud eriala inimeste järele, käib ometi nende tööliste koolitamine täiel jõul edasi. Samal ajal toimub valitsuses aga vägikaikavedu ja suur sõnelus, et kuidas keegi midagi paremaks teeks. Ometi pole tulemusi näha. Juba tükk aega on meie riik tegelikult valitsemise ja haldamise seisukohalt olnud peaaegu paigalseisus. Arenevas riigis peaks aga ka juhtimissüsteemid arenema. Mina näiteks olen viimasel ajal hakanud nägema otsese demokraatia eeliseid ning üritanud leida tõsist põhjust, miks me ei võiks Belgia eeskujul sellise tasemeni oma riigisüsteeme arendada. Sellest aga ehk järgmises postituses.

Honesty of child says: For peace, just make peace

"Daddy, daddy.. i want this three kiloton nuclear missile and this mega-mecha robot killer action hero from that toyshop we visited yesterday! I swear i will be a good boy.. I fight on the good side!" said little mister president, when his parents asked what he would like to get for birthday. At then, he didn't know anything about politics, international law or nuclear proliferation pact yet. Well, he had thought that he want to be someone important when he grows up, but he actually had no idea what future brings for him, nor he didn't had any certain plans.

Does child know what is a war? Or, what is peace? As young boys we often play with toyguns or lead armies of miniature soldiers across the difficult landscape to conquer enemy base at the other end of the room. Yet, i have really vivid memory of that time when war got reality for me,.. when i started to fear it. It is weird because, for a kid, a war with his friends should be more real than something that really and seriously threathens his homecountry. Real conflicts happen behind a horizon and for children almost anything behind his ordinary homeground is just as fantastic as stories from the book or the games he is playing. When i was at the age of nine or ten, somehow i knew that something serious is happening. I guess i saw that seriousness in the faces of people. How can a kiddo see the dream about tank forcing its way through the corner of his room, wounding people you know, raising a cloud of dust and making unimaginable noise when it fires its main gun? I had not even seen a real tank yet. Actually i still haven't. Toy soldiers don't bleed, floor of your room is not dusty and houses you have created from some boxes doesn't fall into rubble when tank rams these. Also the shooting sound is made by your own mouth, that although being as loud as one such a young man can make it, is still sufferable and doesn't threaten anyone. But then one day i overheard about how in our capital city, where also my grandparents lived, simple unarmed people are standing against the invading troops with guns and tanks. That was scaring me. Security of the ordinary life, as i saw it, was suddenly deeply disturbed.

How much is there a completely safe places on Earth today? I should say that no place is safe anymore, and things are getting even more worse, because the reasons why wars are fought get more and more regular. Still, you can see in tv or newspaper that some kids are more fortunate than others. Or are they? Growing up in a comfty and seemingly secure environment doesn't lose the problem. In US and western Europe, people had almost forgotten how much on thin edge the balance of the world is. Our world has seen two World Wars, wars that were waged on so large territory, that it was seen as the entire world. And yes, these had actual effects on the entire planet and society. Especially the second one had a warning for us. Human had made it's own destruction possible. But still, that didn't make countries to throw away their weapons. It made industry of war even greater. Even more powerful weapons were created. Half the century, people basically believed that balance resides in the fear of war. When we know how we can create the apocalypse, we just don't risk with it.

I call the people of the new millenia, a children of the war. That is because now we understand that this fear of destruction is not keeping the wars at hold. We, who have free access to information from television or internet, see how simply everything can fall into dust. Smarter ones of us see also the real reasons behind the problems and maybe even the solution. Only way to ensure the peace, is the total disarming of the world. And the last is possible only if we understand what every human needs and doesn't need. Everyone needs food, water, home, freedom, love and security. I wouldn't say we shouldn't have anything else, but every such thing that we can live without, helps to ensure the peace. I hope you understand that every war is fought because of the wanting and needing or some other selfish reason. Seeing new generation of children being smarter, much more empathic, having the sense of the coming things and moreover, they have the knowledge and abilities to know how to use this sense. They may be the salvation we have been waiting. At least with right kind of guidance, that can be. So kids today may be almost like veteran soldiers, who say that only good war is winning war, and the only way to be sure to win the war would be the peace.

I guess it can be said that humankind, the civilization was born from the war, but now it's the time for the child to find its own path without mother. It's time for the new era of illuminated reason and wisdom and truth. I think it's the right time to start teaching the youth the way of peace, because the old world shows the marks of fatigue. It may be dying and it even wants to make a peace with the new generation, the new world. But remember, you can not give a peace offering with a clenched fist. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said: "Quarrels would not be so long if the fault was only one-sided." If the new generation wants to live in peace, it should just hold from anything that may aggravate the situations. It should learn humility and forsaking the selfish desires. New peoples should know how to say no to themselves. They should encourage positive discourses and be open for feelings.

Simple hippie kind of life?!

On üpris haige, et samas, kui mina jutlustan tarbimise ja produktsiooni vähendamise vajalikkusest, sai meie koju järjekordne telekas toodud (nüüd neid kokku juba 4.. ilmselt mingi rekord, et iga toa kohta üks telku) ja digiTV sisse pandud. Ja kuigi tahaks vabandada välja, et minu oma oli neist teine, siis tegelikult tean, et ega see maailma kohapealt midagi ei muuda. Ometi on sellest keeruline loobuda. Raskus tuleneb sellest, et inimene kasvanuna sellises kultuuris, kus varakult televisiooniga tekitatakse sõltuvus sellise tegelikult ülimalt passiivse meelelahutuse järele. Teiseks, mitte vaid televisiooni programm, mis on nii nõiduslikult tõmbav, vaid ka teler ise on muutunud üpris iseenesest mõistetavaks. See on mööbel nagu tugitool ja kui sa oled suutnud selle endale võimaldada, kuid hiljem hakkad märkama, kuidas see su aega raiskab, siis kahvatuvad mõtted selle mahamüügist idee kõrval, et vahel ju tuleb sealt ka väärtuslikke kultuuri saateid. Samuti arusaam, et neli telkut on küll korteri kohta liig, toob taas mõttesse, et kunagi kui päris oma kodu on, siis ei peaks hakkama mõtlema, et kuidas uuesti seda ajaraiskajat endale muretseda.

Seepärast ongi vahel sihuke tunne, et loobuks järsku kõigest ja läheks ilma milletagi kuhugile minema. Kasvõi juba seepärast, et ennast võltsvajaduste illusioonist vabastada. Muidugi on häid ideid, mis mõnest tõesti heast filmist nägemata jääks. Samas, kui võtta inimelu seisukohast, siis midagi sa ju sellega tegelikult ei kaota. Teate, kuskil tee ääres hääletades on selline tunne, et oled vaba, sul pole kohustusi, pole vaja midagi ja sind ümbritseb loomulik, looduslik maailm. Siis jõuab sulle kohale, et inimelu on nii tühine ning vahet ei ole, et inimene on arendanud välja kultuuri, märgisüsteemi enese väljendamiseks kasvõi abstarktsel viisil.. mida iganes veel. Inimene maailma seisukohast jääb ikkagi loomaks. Me sünnime suvalisel ajaloo hetkel, sureme ligikaudu 60-90 aastat hiljem, ning miski, mis sa teed, ei ole tähtsam, kui see mis on looduse poolt paika pandud. Veelgi enam. Eilegi tundsin, et rohul istumine, telgis magamine, ringi rändamine, päikese ja ööpilvede vaatamine teeb inimese palju õnnelikumaks kui telekast ka kõige parema kultuuriväärtusega filmijupi ära vahtimine või arvutis teistega lobisemine. Muidugi ei mõtle ma, et inimene on õnnelikum ilma sõpradega suhtlemata, olgu see kui väheoluline jutt tahes. Siiski, iga inimene on õnnelikum, kui ta peab selle jaoks enda sõbrale külla minema, teda silmast silma näha saab ja tema tõeliseid emotsioone näeb. Mugavad vahenduslülid nagu telefon, internet, isegi tuleb siis lisada kirjutamise, tekitavad inimeste vahele ka siiski barjääri, sulgevad mitmed meeled ning samuti suureneb anonüümsus. Isegi siis, kui inimesed täielikult teavad kellega nad läbi mingi tehisliku vahendi suhtlevad. Selline vahendus tasub ennast ära vaid vast sellisel juhul, kui teadet soovitakse anda võimalikult suurele hulgale publikule, mis muudab ka minu siia kirjutamise case'i teatud määral põhjendatuks. Teine põhjus tuli veel meelde. Vahel võibki mõni inimene anonüümsust soovida, niiöelda pihtides südamelt, mida otse teistele öelda ei suuda, või mida tahaks just jagada tundmatutega, keda muidu võibolla ei kohtakski. Aye.. see olekski tänase mõtte kohta kõik.

Veelkord hedonismist ja orjusest (now translated to English too)

-Õnn pole eesmärk, õnn on eluviis-

Miks on pealkirjas sõna veelkord,.. aga seepärast, et blogis, millest ma siia kolisin, ma samal teemal juba kunagi kirjutasin.. ja nüüd, lugedes seda vana teksti, mille ma igaksjuhuks olin otsustanud wordis salvestada, leidsin päris mitmeid asju, mis väärivad ka uuesti siia üles kirjutamist. Seega, kes te olete mu vana blogi näinud, siis osa sellest sissekandest on sama.. aga vaid osa.

Alustuseks üks põletav kogemus täna. Ma siin ühes postis seletasin, kuidas asjad progressiivselt alla käivad. Vähemalt siis, kui kõigepealt süüa juustu popcorni ja seejärel peekoni oma. Ja siis ma mõtlesin, et enam hullemat popcorni ei saa olla, aga tuleb välja, et progressi (kuigi tagurpidist) ei saa siiski peatada. Nimelt on peekoni popcornist kõvasti hullem põlenud popcorn. Samas võiks mõni ekspert seda musta ühtesulanud ja veel seesmiselt särisevat käkki nähes küsida, et kas saab ikka kindel olla et see üldse popcorn on. Õde tuli hetk pärast põhi äktsioni toimumist tuppa ja ütles, et kõrbehaisu on isegi õue tunda. Ma küll püüdsin asja arusaadavamaks muuta, seletades, kuidas ma selle suitseva objekti kähku rõdule viskasin. Seejärel tuli aga välja, et õde tuli hoopis teiseltpoolt maja. Peaks siis õnnelik olema, et keegi tuletõrjet ei kutsunud. Noh jah, riided haisevad küll hetkel nagu oleksin olnud vabatahtlik mõne kulupõlengu kustutamisel. Huvitav, milline veel hullem popcorn on. See peab ilmselt mikrolaineahjus mingeid füüsikaseaduseid eirama ja muutuma millegiks rõvedaks või omandama kerge gammakiirguse. Igaljuhul on hetkel selline tunne, et ega vist ei tasu enam popcorni osta. Muidu on 13. reede suhteliselt sündmustevaeselt möödunud.

Kui ma täna seda popcorni ja õlut käisin ostmas (muide, hea seegi, et õllega mingit jama ei juhtunud), panin tähele, et isegi meie pisikeses provintsilinnakus on politsei hakanud oma tööd tõsiselt võtma. Täna koristasid nad poe eest vanasid koledate nägude ja kalasilmadega taarausku mehi. Nädalake tagasi tegid nad aga mu ühele sõbrale trahvi, kuna ta autos ei olnud lapse jaoks turvaistet. Nüüd ma natuke kardan, et äkki nad peatavad mingil hetkel juba ka kiivrita rattureid ja pimedal ajal helkurita jalakäijaid. Miskipärast räägitakse, et eestlased on hiljuti laisaks muutunud, vägijooki kuritarvitama hakanud ning unustanud tõsised teod. No ma ei tea,.. see teine võib tõesti õige olla, aga minule tundub pigem, et eestlased on ikka üks kuradima pikaldase mõtlemise või äkki isegi mitte eriti üldse mõtlev ja jubedalt rabelev ja tööd rabav rahvas. Siinkohal tuleb taas meelde, kuidas üks Eesti maavanematest Maleva filmis pakkusid välja, et koledate tegude karistuseks sõjatandril, võiks sakslaste kiuste kõik töö nende eest ära teha. Nüüd küll ei ole enam siin eriti sakslasi, aga vägisi teiste eest töö ära tegemine jätkub, sest suur osa firmadest, kus eestlased on madalapalgalised töölised, on ju välismaised. Nüüd küll tapetakse ennast selle nimel, et saaks ohjeldamatult tarbida. Ei tea kas nüüd tahame läänemaailma kiuste ka kõik nende toodetud kauba ära tarbida.

See oli vist veel eile õhtul, kui vaatasin riigikogu infotundi. Ja mis me kuuleme, meie oma praegune "maavanem", peaminister Andrus Ansip tõestab mu kurva nägemuse tõesuse, et ega eriti ei mõelda ja midagi erilist halba ei nähta, sest meie eesmärgiks ongi tublisti tööd rabada ja ohjeldamatult tarbida. Seda nähakse lausa majanduse alusena. Kulla peaminister.. selline suhtumine on muutumas majanduse ja kogu ühiskonna progressiivse allakäigu alguseks. Esiteks suur konkurents ja stress, mis tõsise orjaühiskonnaga kaasneb, panebki rahva viinapudeli põhjast vastuseid otsima. Teiseks, tarbimine, mis ausalt öeldes pakub tavaliselt rahuldust vaid väga lühikeseks ajaks, on ohtlik kogu inimkonna tuleviku seisukohalt. Ühes dokumentaalis, mida ka hiljuti nägin, räägiti, et praeguse produktsiooni, tarbimise ja saastamise juures oleks meil lisaks praegusele vaja veel nelja Maa suurust planeeti. Jah, orjaühiskond meil ongi, sest kasu teenib ikkagi püramiidi tipp.

Siinkohal meenub ka ühe meile ülikoolis loengut pidanud professori räägitud lugu kultuuride kokkupõrkest ja kapitalismi valelikust müüdist parema elu saavutamise kohta. Lugu on järgmine:

Neeger istub banaanipuu all, kui valge mees talle ligi astub. Viimane küsib, mis neeger teeb ja kuuldes, et see ootab kunas banaan puu otsast alla kukub, ütleb ta: "Tüüpiline aafriklane, tööd ei viitsi teha aga süüa tahaks saada". Valge mees hakkab siis õpetama, et kuule pinguta natuke, roni puu otsa ja korja juba kõik banaanid kokku. Neeger küsib seepeale, et mis ta nii paljude banaanidega tegema peaks, ta tahab ju vaid ühte süüa. Valge mees jääb aga endale kindlaks ja soovitab ülejäänud banaanid turul maha müüa ja teenitud raha eest käru osta, et veel rohkem banaane turule viia ja veel rohkem raha teenida. Neeger on nüüd aga eriti segaduses: "Aga mida ma selle veel suurema raha hunnikuga peaksin tegema"? Valge mees soovitab, et siis võib endale juba töölised banaane korjama palgata ja ise ei peagi enam ise midagi tegema. Seepeale küsib neeger: "Aga mida ma siis praegult nii väga teen"?!

Jah, tõsise hedonisti usku inimesena arvan ka mina, et elu mõte on nautida. Nautimine on aga erinevatele inimestele erineva tähendusega. Enamik inimesi teevad pale higis tööd, et oleks küllalt raha, millega võimaldada endale igasuguseid asju ja üritusi. Samas, kui paljud neist selle jaoks tehtavat tööd naudivad? Mitte just eriti paljud. Kuna üldiselt on nii, et mida rohkem on sul raha, seda rohkem tundub seda ikka vähe olevat. Seepärast teevad need inimesed aga aina rohkem ja rohkem tööd. Siis tekib stress, väsimus ja tervisehäired. Aga nad ikkagi peavad seda vajalikuks ohvriks, et tunda elust mõnu.
Selline elu ei ole minu arust eriti hea. Mina eelistan tööd võimalikult vähe teha.. vaid nii palju, et oleks hädavajalik raha. Naudin mitte töötamist.. naudin lihtsaid asju, mis ei nõua palju raha.
Ainult see on tõeline hedonism, kui sa saad nautida absoluutselt kogu aeg. Kahjuks on tänapäevane aeg tekitanud inimestes tunde, et ainult ühtmoodi ongi võimalik elada (jah, jälle ma kasutan seda ühe võimaluse mõistet) - orjates kapitalistlikku võimu. Ja mida me sellega tegelikult teeme? Hävitame maailma, raiskame üleproduktsiooniga ressursse, saastame loodust, garanteerime iseendi hävingu. Baroki ajastul oli levinud mõtteviis, et mis meil sellest, kui peale meid maailmalõpp tuleb.. seda enam peame me pidutsema. Sellest on möödas juba sajandeid, aga jälle on sama mõtteviis tagasi. Ometi tahavad kõik järglasi. Mis te neist lastest teete, kui te ise nende elukeskkonda hävitate.
Kas see, mis on, peabki olema? Ma mõtlen seda, et ajal, kui me oleme saavutanud tohutu tehnoloogilise arengu, mis pakub aina uusi mugavus- ja trendiasju, tekib küsimus, et kas meil on tõesti kõike seda eluks vaja. Vähemalt mina arvan, et ei ole. Ma saan küll aru, et keegi ei taha ju elada nagu mõni primaat, aga võtke näiteks eeskuju rastadest Jamaical. Nad elavad suhteliselt normaalsetes, tänapäevastes majades.. elavad lihtsat elu ja on siiski õnnelikud. Palju õnnelikumad, kui mingi rahahai fucked up Euroliidus, Estonias või US impeeriumis. Vahelduseks üks huvitav fakt: Juba üle 2000 aasta tagasi hakati mõtlema, et kas ehk peaks looma Euroopa liidu, mitu korda on sellele päris lähedalgi oldud (nt. Rooma ja fašhistlik Saksamaa), aga ikka ja jälle näitab aeg, et imperialism ei ole mõeldud püsima.. just selle pärast, et tegelikult selline võim võtab inimestelt vabaduse ja võime õnnelik olla. Ja ükskord tuleb aega, kui Kalev tuleb mootorsaega.. ja maa saab värisema. Siis saame jälle laulda, et mõisad põlevad, saksad surevad.. ja lõpuks kukub Euroopa Liit ja vereimejatest poliitikud peavad taganema inimmasside ees, kes peale kannatusi on lõpuks aru saanud, et on ka teistsuguseid võimalusi elada, kui teenida isandaid, sõdida mõttetute ideaalide pärast ja ohverdada ennast ning maailma tühiste asjade nimel.
Mõelge natuke ise, kas on üldse põhjuseid, miks ei võiks maailm olla vaba sõdadest, vihast ja rassismist. Meil pole ju isegi vaja riigi piire, pole vaja valitsusi (ei riigivalitsust ega isegi omavalitsusi).. kui pole riigipiire, ei saaks ju tegelikult olla ka rasside vahelist vaenu. Kõik töötaksid ühe eesmärgi nimel.. et elada. Kui vajad elukohta, raiud mittekellegi metsa ja naabrid tulevad sulle appi maja ehitama (sest ka sina aitad neid). Ja ega juba tehtud avastused ära ei kao.. seega ega sellised mugavused, nagu soe vesi ja üldse soojustus majadest ära ei pea kaduma. See oleks lihtsalt tänapäevane variant kunagisest Ameerika indiaanlaste elustiilist. Hmm.. ma poleks kunagi uskunud, et ma ükskord hakkan toetama kommunismi (aga see ei ole ju see paha, kuri, paha kommunism, mida tänapäeval tuntakse). Ja pealegi oleks see kõvasti rohkem demokraatlikum, kui demokraatia ise. Te kindlasti arvate, et siis teeb igamees seda, mis ise tahab. Aga see olgu meie endi moraali küsimus. Jajah.. tänapäeval ei olegi eriti enam moraali ja eetikat järel. Ja miks ka mitte.. kui juhtub nii, et mees teeb, mis mees tahab.. siis ka vastutagu oma tegude eest oma hinge ja eluga. Üldse on ju loodusseadus, et tugevam jääb ellu ja see on ka õige. Hetkel on tunne, et tugevam on ülbem ja mugavam.. meid nööriv isand.. aga me oleme ju tegelikult nagu Vana-Rooma orjad.. me samamoodi ei teadvusta endale, milline jõud me oleme. Ja elame teadmatuses.. tedmata, mis on vabadus.

Well, ma võin ju neeger olla, ja võite mulle öelda, et ma olen looder etc. aga vähemalt ma olen õnnelik ja mul ei ole peaaegu kunagi stressi ja mul on aega, et nautida maailma ilu. Ma ei tahagi, et kõik mõtleksid nii nagu mina.. see oleks tegelikult juba minule kahjulik. Aga mulle ei meeldi, kui mulle öeldakse, et ma peaksin oma elustiili muutma.. et ei ole õige teiste kulul elada.. et peaks tööd tegema ja maailmale "kasulik" olema. Teate, mul on parematki teha kui raisata oma aega mõttetule pingeid, haigusi ja muid probleeme tekitavale tööle. Eriti kui see kokkuvõttes hoopis tekitab hukatuse või on lihtsalt mõttetu. Ja ammugi ei taha ma olla sihuke bloody brick nagu on poliitikud ja ärijuhid. Sol Lucet Omnibus!

..over and out.

Translation to English (21.05.2009) - I left part of it untranslated because my thoughts have changed and I thought that not everything is worth of translating anymore.

One more time about hedonism and slavery

-Happiness ain't goal, it's lifestyle-

Why it's written "one more time" in the title.. that is because in my former blog I already had wrote on that theme and I found that there were some things worthy to rewrite it here. For the start one burning experience I had today. I explained here in one post, how things tend to get worse progressively. At least when first you eat cheese popcorn and then the bacon flavoured one. Then I thought it is impossible to get worse popcorn, but it seems that progress (although reverse) can't be stopped. Notably much more horrific than the bacon popcorn is the burned one. Possibly some expert could ask if this black, melted, inside still smoldering mass could even called a popcorn at all, but anyway. My sister came home only moment after the main action and said that burning smell is even to be felt outside. I then tried to make it more understandable by explaining how I quickly threw that smoking object to balcony, but then sis said that she came from the other side of the house. I guess, I should be happy that no-one called the firesquad.. and yeah, my clothes do smell now like i'd been a voluntary to extinguish some real fire. I wonder which would be even worse popcorn. I guess it has to ignore some laws of physics in the microwave and turn into something foul or acqire slight gamma radiation, so it seems that i shouldn't buy any more popcorn. Other than that, friday the 13th has been quite uneventful.

Today, when i went to buy this popcorn and a beer (BTW, at least nothing were wrong with the beer), i saw that even police in our little provincial town have started taking their job seriously. Today they got rid of these old, ugly looking, fish-eyed men who constantly inhabit the front of the shop. A week ago or so, at the same location, they fined one of my friends who didn't have a children's seat for his kid in the car. For some reason common view is that Estonians have grown lazy lately, started drinking more and forgot serious, needed deeds. Well, I don't know.. perhaps the second one is true, but i feel that Estonians are still such a people who all the time works and does other things with disputable value to their life, and at the same time doesn't think much. That reminds me how in one of our well known self-ironical pseudo-historic comedy movie, one of the old Estonian tribal elders, offered that as an punishment for the terrible things that German Teutonic knights did to us in war, we should do all their work so that they would all the time feel a terrible boredom and shame. Although now we don't have so many Germans here, but doing the work of others goes on, for most of these companies where Estonians are low priced workers are foreign. Also, now we kill ourselves for the purpose to consume uncontrollably.

I think this was only yesterday when I watched the briefing of the parliament, and what did i hear? Our own contemporary "tribal elder", prime minister Andrus Ansip with all the joy admitted that we have no problems and it IS our aim to work hard and consume all we can. Such attitude is turning to be the beginning of the progressive decline of economy and the whole society. First, big competition and stress that always shadows such a "slavesociety" is the very reason why people looks for the answers from the boozebottle. Secondly, consuming, what honestly offers the satisfaction mostly for only short time, is dangerous for the future of whole mankind. In one of the documentaries that i saw lately, scientists said that with such amount as humans use the ressourses to produce and consume, with the amount of pollution coming out of it, and with the size of the population, we already would need four additional Earth sized planets so that nature could regenerate itself.

And now.. i write an enlightening story that was told us in the university by one of the professors in, i think it was ethnology ore some such lecture. Story is about the collision of cultures and the deceitful myth of the capitalism to achieve a better life. Story is as follows:

An African man lies under the bananatree when suddenly a white man walks to him. Last one asks, what black fellow does there and hearing that he waits for banana to fall from the tree, he sais: "Typical African, wants to eat but don't want to work for it." He starts to teach: "Listen, you should exert yourself a little. Climb to the tree and when already there, gather all the bananas you can." African askes then, what he should do with so many bananas, he only wants to eat one. But other guy stays sure to himself and advises to sell other bananas at the market and to buy a cart with the money he earns. Now African man gets completely baffled not understanding why he should buy a cart. "Because with cart you can take much, much more bananas to the market," answers the white man, "you get more money and soon you can hire the workers to do the job, and you don't have to do anything." Black guy asks then: "What so much i do right now then?!

As a truthful hedonist I too believe that humans should enjoy as much as they can, but enjoying seems to have a different meaning for majority of people. Most people work, sweat and suffer so that they would have lots of money with what they could afford different things, parties etc. They call it enjoyment?! How many people enjoy the year of hard work that enables them to go to a vacation where they have week or so filled with frenzied activities? I guess not so many. As generally is so that more you have money, the more you always feel that you don't have enough it. Because of that these beople must always work more and more, and then they get stress, fatigue and different health problems. But still they believe it is needed sacrifice to enjoy the life.

As an hedonism I see a littlebit different behavior. Some may say that i sacrifice other things.. and yes, sometimes I do feel like I sacrifice something that I would like to have, but still. I prefer to work as little as is needed. I enjoy simple things that doesn't require much or any money. Only this is true hedonism if you can enjoy all your time. Additionally we should consider what are we doing to the world. These people who work all the time to "enjoy" what their earned mony can offer them, they don't even think that they are destroying the world. They waste precious resources with this mad overproduction and absolutely unneeded things what are made for such stupid people as they. They pollute the nature, and doom themselves into decline by becoming simpleminded, uniform creatures who only know how to live when there are numerous comforts. And we can say that even if they are not slaves for their job, they surely are slaves to the lifestyle.

In the 17th century noble people often lived over their needs. They said that this is not their problem if the world ends after them. And as it was commonly believed that the end of the world is nigh,.. yet this made them to live even richer. Four-five centuries later it seems that the same careless view of life has again infecting people. Still, almost everyone wants to have a successors/children. I don't understand why they make these babies if at the same time they are destroying living environment of future.

Kütus.. check! Laskemoon.. check! Lennutrajektoor.. check! (Now with English translation)

Eile oli meil siis lõputööde kaitsmine. Ma sain D - D nagu Deeply philosophical või D nagu Disturbing the traditions. Kuigi ma oleksin oodanud paremat, arvan ma, et ega vahet pole.. hindel pole vähimatki tähtsust. Pealegi ma jäin enda vastu ausaks, tegin taas minuliku töö, millel on minu jaoks palju suurem olulisus kui misiganes traditsioonilisel teadustööl. Madala hinde tõigi ebatraditsiooniline, filosoofiline arutlev stiil, mis suures osas lähtus enda arvamustest ja kogemustest. Natuke ka märgiti ära puudusi allikmaterjalides. Üldiselt tekitas akadeemikutes vastumeelsust ilmselt ka mu töö teema, mis astus üksiku sõdurina vapralt vastu miljonipealisele haridustraditsiooni vastu. Või tegelikult,.. ega ma ei olnudki niivõrd haridussüsteemi kui pigem õpetajate omavõimu ja suurte egode vastu. Ja tuleb tunnistada, et mu töö esimene eesmärk,.. tõestada ära selline suhtumine õpetajate poolt, saigi täidetud. Lõpuks oli nii, et minu lõputöö juhendaja, endine osakonna juhataja ja isegi ka mu retsensent, kes ju tegelikult just peaks otsima tööst vigasid, asusid üheskoos mind kaitsma. See aga ei mõjunud. Akadeemikud, teadlased jäid enda arvamusele kindlaks ja ei lasknud ülejäänud komisjoni arvamusel eriti hinnet mõjutada. Nagu ma juba bakalaureuse lõpus ütlesin,.. see asi, mida nimetatakse kaitsmiseks, on täielik farss. Mingit kaitsmist tegelikult ei toimu. Kui sõnakamatel komisjoniliikmetel kujuneb oma arvamus, siis ei muuda seda ka kõige põhjendatum ümberlükkav argument. Isegi mitte siis, kui see tuleb nende mõnelt tagasihoidlikumalt komisjoni kaasliikmelt. Kõige veidram on see, et keegi peale juhendaja ja retsensendi ei olnud tööd läbigi lugenud,.. kõigest põgusalt sirvinud, kuid juhendaja ja retsensendi väga positiivsele arvamusele vaatamata jäädakse kitsarinnaliselt uskuma enda põgusat muljet.

Heaküll, ma ei lase sellel tegelikult enda tuju rikkuda, sest vähemalt ka minu põhieesmärk, saada kätte magistrikraad, on jõudmas lõpuni - enam pole ühtegi takistust. Siiski näitab see selgelt, kuidas mõned ei saa aru, et muutused toimuvad, tahavad nad seda või mitte. Ning ühel hetkel leiavad nad ennast nurka surutuna. Saage aru, suur osa tsivilisatsiooni arengust saab alguse just mässulisest ideest. Kuna ka enamus varasemaid suurte muutuste algatajatest ja propageerijatest on langenud esmalt mõistmatuse ohvriks, ei pea ma ennast üldse halvasti tundma. Samas ütleb see nii mõndagi inimolemuse ja tarkuse kohta (ja ärge ajage omavahel segamini tarkust ja teadmisi). Tihti ongi nii, et need kellel on tohutus koguses teadmisi, ei suuda hoida avatud meelt mitmete uuenduste kohapealt.. nad on kindlad oma teadmiste absoluutsuses. Ka arhiivis ja raamatukogus on massiliselt asjalikke teadmisi, kuid nende kasutamine oleneb just tarkusest, avatud meelest ja arutlevast kriitilisest suhtumisest, mis ei sea esile ainult miinus külgesid vaid ka positiivse. Nagu ma oma magistritöös ka välja tõin, on kätte jõudmas uus ajastu.. uus põlvkond on juhitud tundeloogikast, mis võitleb pealiskaudsuse, impulsiivsuse ja egoistlikkuse vastu. Ka hariduses tuleb prioriteedid ja toimimisviisid üle vaadata. Muutused saavad alguse ideedest aga ei saa reaalsuseks ilma tegutsemiseta. Tegutsemine aga ajab vihale need, kes on vanas usus leidnud endale võimukoha. See on üpris ebavõrdne võitlus just uuendaja jaoks kuni ühel hetkel hakkab see, kelle jaoks uuendus on loodud (ehk siis rahvas, õpilased) nägema ka tõesti toimivat kasu neile. Seejärel on aja ja julguse küsimus, kuni idee muutumisest reaalsuseks, sest varem või hiljem võtab rahvas võitluse enda kätte.

Case closed!

Translation into English 14.05.2009

FUEL.. CHECK! AMMO.. CHECK! FLIGHT TRAJECTORY.. CHECK!

Yesterday we had the defense of a graduation thesises. I got D for it - D as Deeply philosophical or D as Disturbing the traditions. Although I hoped for better, i think that it doesn't really matter.. it's just a mark. I stayed truthful to myself, again I made the work that is very well intrinsic to me, and that has much greater importance to me than any traditional research. Basically this was the reason for low mark - untraditional, philosophical reasoning that largely was based on my own opinion and experience. They also brought forth some flaws in used materials, but actually it seemed to me that couple of academicians among the commitee were more troubled about the theme of my thesis rising bravely as a lone warrior into the fight with the million-headed educational tradition. Or really.. I wasn't so much against the educational system as against the big egos and absolute rule of teachers that repels students to the secondary, maybe even to the tertiary position. And now I can confess that first of my objectives for this thesis - to prove that such mentality, stance, attitude is very much spread among the teachers - I achieved this goal.

Finally it ended with my instructor, former principal of the art department and even the reviewer, who should have actually bring out the flaws of my work and criticize it, started defending it. Still, this didn't change the verdict of these conservative academicians who simply talked more, basically not letting anyone who thought differently get much speech.. they remained true to their first impression and didn't let even the best arguments of other members of commitee get any power over the final decision. As I already stated at the end of bachelor studies, this thing they call defending of thesis is a total farce. There's no real defending - more commonly it even makes things worse. If the members of commitee who have more voice, more power over others, have already formed somekind of impression, then there's no way to change it.. more you argue, the more they start to believe their version is better. Most bizarre was that no-one else except my instructor and reviewer had not even read it throughoutly from cover to cover.. others only loked the table of contents, the list of used literature, and had a quick glance at some pages, mainly to find out if the references are done correctly (which by the way were perfect). It looked like they didn't even consider that instructor and reviewer had more complete understanding of how good this work really was. And both of them said that after reading it well (reviewer even read it twice), they fully understood why I went for unconventional form/solution.

Oh well.. I won't let this ruin my mood, because at least my main objective, to get the master degree, is coming to realization.. there's no more obstacles. Yet, all of this shows clearly how some people doesn't understand that changes happen, do they want it or not. One moment they find themselves cornered by life. Understand this, the development of civilization mainly gets its power and course from rebellious ideas. Because earlier innovations and protagonists-supporters of these ideas have also often fallen under the criticism and bewilderment of others at first, I shouldn't have to feel bad at all. It is just the human nature. Often those who have lots of knowledge, can't hold the open mind for many innovations.. they believe into the absoluteness of their knowledge. But what good will do knowledge when it is limited by conservativeness.. then there can not be any development, or it is much slower and smaller than it could be. I guess, we all agree that development is necessary, and standing in one place, saying that this is for stability, because everything already is good and there is no need for development, shows the first signs of danger. Also in the archives and in libraries lies huge amounts of good and needed knowledge, but the use of this knowledge depends on smartness - open mind in connection with critical reasoning, that doesn't only bring out either negative or positive sides of something but both.. and of course for everything we also need a purpose.

I also wrote in my thesis that right now is the beginning of the new era.. new generation is driven by emotional logic (additionally to thinking logic) that fights against the superficiality, impulsiveness and egoism. We must set new priorities and standards for education too, and look over the operational ways. Improvement gets its start from ideas, but these doesn't realize on their own and without action. Yet, often certain actions anger those who have already found themselves a comfortable place and the position of power in the old "faith". It's quite uneven fight for the innovator until at one time those for whom the innovation is meant (people, students etc.) find out and are finally convinced how it is for their own good and gain. Then it is only the question of time and will until people takes this fight for their own soul mission.

Case closed!

Fuckin' Åruküla

Look also for the motionpicture "Fuckin' Åmal" - this movie if i remember right, is made by danish,.. who are somewhat like estonians, little too much stuck in their ordinary simple life.

Much like Åmal, fuckin' Aruküla where i live, is also a little provincial settlement where old people have forgotten the joys of life or these joys are rather superficial and make even themself sometimes question, what life THIS is. This is mostly because with their years, they have come to conclusion that there is only one way to live.. and that is by doing what society expects them to do.. having traditional family with at least two, even better with three kids, work hard, have dreams of even better house and newer car, then take bank loans for the last ones, watch TV, read newspapers and wonder why youth is so fucked up this time. Young in the contrary, wants to live their life differently than what they see as the degradation of their parents generation. They want to experience everything,.. but soon they find themselves in fight against the parents. With all that trouble and grieving what rises from this war, most now lose their positive views of life.. they start to drink, use drugs, hang around in gangs and do hooligan things. When time passes, they find out that there's only one way to live (without harming yourself and being opposed to others).. and that is by doing what society expects them to do..

I'm 26.. and i still live with my parents. I don't have permanent job and i don't have a girlfriend. My buds here at Aruküla too, drink, do drugs and just waste their time.. my buds at Tallinn are tending to be commited to relationships and work, could say that they have found, there's only one way to live.

I don't like to be only piece in the industrial or commercial capitalistic world that is already soo overcooked.. but what can i do then, world is nowdays so uniformly living this one way. I don't wanna have certain dayplan, i don't like to work so that i have to call someone boss and therfore admit my inferiority to him, i don't like to be oblidged to have bankloan for half of my life, i don't want to vote on the elections for the same fucking politicians who don't actually change anything. I don't wanna have more than one kid, cuz that would make world population even bigger, which in turn would make living conditions even more dire. Also i don't want to drink my problems away and i don't want to fight. I want to do my art, feel the freedom, enjoy the beauty of the nature and love of natural warm soul of people.

I just made a comix (when i do little digital fixes to it, i publish it here too). It is about the same situation.. how traditions of society and attitudes of majority of people, make some of us endangered species,.. force us to migrate to the edge of the world, only to wait, when does this self-eating civilization arrive there too.

Stop thinking, and end your problems

Lao Tzu (Old Master) Chinese Taoist Philosopher

c. 600 BCE

So i try just to be doing as less i can,.. fight the busy world with just letting everything go past me. I sacrifice comfort things, i sacrifice even relationships. Some have asked me, why i dont have girlfriend. That is because not many are willing to live as i. I love too, in fact i even have a secret crush,.. but i can't force anyone other into forsaking the life that's so ordinary.. everyone has to do that step by themselves. That's why i shouldn't say my love out. What is hardest, is having a life where i'm not a burden to world nor to people, life alongside the people but still differently. I don't wanna be eremite, i hope to live with others, and hopefully to teach the alternate way that comes through unconditional love, stronger symbiosis between soul and senses, having feeling of harmony and respect, simplicity and modesty in the concept of wanting to have and achieve.
Because i'm not fighting against, but rather fighting for, i don't blame anything or anyone. Never blame the blind for not seeing. We must help to see, help to change. We shouldn't even whine for what is wrong or what could have been.. we should try to find what can be done better and act do achieve it. And above all, we should hold open mind to see the different views and even our own errors.