Footprints

So this chapter will be about our project – what I think how it went, about leadership and work/service relations, etc. I also had searched some excerpts from my travel journal describing how our view of the project changed, but finally I decided not to copy these here. Anyway it would be mostly repeating myself.
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First and foremost I have to say that actually we were already warned in the training in Estonia, that probably things will not be as they were proposed and written in project description. I guess we all also knew that at some point we would be disappointed because we are not doing enough. It always happens so, and yes; we had to go through such crises. Some of us even left before the right time because of that reason. Even many local colleagues. But still, I find that project was in the end successful. Sure we had some problems until the end, and we could have done more, but no one can expect that we had to save the world or even turn suddenly ideology and traditions of entire people. Kenya is still in many ways backwards country, but they have freedom to choose their own path and pace for development. We can only hope to share some ideas. If they use it, is absolutely their own choice. We also shouldn’t be propaganda makers but more like good parent who has raised up the child in his/her guard, but at some point introduces different possibilities in the world and lets the child go on its own.
For EVS, important is not only the impact on local target group, but also what we, volunteers, learn in that time. Certainly they can’t hope that these projects are intensively packed with activities from the beginning to the end. In other cultures, it is simply not common to be so busy as we are in Europe. And basically as this organization that hosted us, did it first time, then in my opinion it is quite acceptable that things tend to fail from time to time. Yet then they also should learn from failures. Sometimes they did learn, but some bad things happened again and again. But before going to certain failures and successes, I think it would be in right place to write again some facts about our initial mission and arrangements. Just to make things clear and offer knowledge to people who are also thinking about going as a volunteer to other countries.

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To make also all involved organizations happy, I also repeat all their names. Our project was funded by European Commission Youth In Action Doors program, coordinated by Estonian non-profit organization Continuous Action and hosted by Kenya Community Sports Foundation (KESOFO), last of these are trying to make some social changes in Kenya through sports. Project name was “Let the girls play”. So our main interest was raising gender equality and promoting women activeness in society, or well, realistically just to inform people, both men and women, about gender issues and different views to it. Other objectives included HIV/AIDS prevention awareness work and also some environmental awareness educating. Also KESOFO visibility project that meant creating of web page for them. And basically on the way my art workshops and wall painting with local group known as Youth Art Research Centre who tried to reduce unemployment among local youth through art and environmental work; and break dance lessons from Love and some sport projects of Mykolas and Carlos were added. Informal part was then of course all the cultural exchange/learning and actually all other experiences and knowledge we got throughout this service.
It was very unique project as KESOFO invited altogether ten young boys and girls from age 18-30, with very different backgrounds, skills and ideas to work with them. All the activities, all spendings for our living place, our transport, food, very good health insurance from company named AXA, and also little pocket money was from EU, European Commission. Most of that was given to KESOFO. At first only our pocket money came straight to our bank accounts. But over time, when problems of managing the money by KESOFO started occurring, also our food money was given straight to us. Before going we though had to pay small amount of guarantee money that later was given back to us. It was needed to ensure that we wouldn’t change our mind after the plane tickets will be bought.

European Commission Youth In Action programme:
http://ec.europa.eu/youth/youth-in-action-programme/doc82_en.htm
Continuous Action web page: http://www.continuousaction.ee/?mid=1
Doors program information: http://www.continuousaction.ee/?mid=116
KESOFO in Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KESOFO/105672582801594
KESOFO web page: http://www.kesofo.org/

From the minus side I can say that KESOFO was very badly prepared for such kind of project and actually it seems that African people quite generally are too ambitious, creating plans they really can’t fulfil. Second thing as already said was about managing money and accounting by KESOFO. These problems were the mother and father of all other, smaller problems. If I’m really honest then I would suggest that if you are doing something with Africans, then never trust them, but hold your own eye on things. Learn how things are organized; ask about spendings and details for plans. Of course there may also be other kind of problems and when locals think that you are too nosy or taking too many things under your control, then they may also lose trust on you or even feel assaulted, but limited control over things is necessary. If you don’t hold your eye on monetary things then it is possible that they try to exploit the situation. Usually when you show that you are strong at managing things and interested of mutual business, then they grow to respect you. And even when conflicts arise then every such thing teaches you limits and how to avoid offending them next time. It is nothing weird in Africa that ambitious men try to use every opportunity and try to escape problems simply with charisma and skill of persuasion. But they do such bag of tricks when you are weak.
That is how things were with our project. Local leader was bad organizer. We also had quite good proof that he often lied to us. He didn’t have proper accounting and so it was that project money mysteriously disappeared until we started bombarding him with questions and writing down all the plans and spendings on our own.
Neither was better the second man in hierarchy. Actually this man I liked even less, as he had some personal traits and ideology that didn’t fit at all into the project. He wasn’t only liar and bad organizer, but also greatest chauvinist I have ever seen. As I took our main aim to dwarf such behaviours towards women as this man often did, very seriously, then clash between me and him was quite personal and much more clear than any other conflict. And when I tried to explain that I don’t hate him just without reason, but because he is basically making our message null and void by stepping on gender equality, basic human rights and dignity of other people, then he just started protecting himself and it came quite clear that even if he understood what I meant, then he didn’t want to change his actions. Truth to be said, inside KESOFO I saw much more opposition, greatest bafflement about what we tried to do there and greatest lack of interest to learn, develop and work with us, than anywhere else. General population was very interested about everything connected to us, and of course also about learning from us then. Most of the people was much more understanding about our message. Anyway, there were two causes for this problem. Most KESOFO so called volunteers were gathered only little time before the start of our project and as we finally found out, they had little or none understanding of our greater goals. Secondly, as money ran thin, all the governing of the organization and project started to seem ridiculous and these so called KESOFO volunteers didn’t get paid what was promised to them, then they simply lost all the motivation. Their motivation was destroyed even worse than ours. And worst thing is that even those of them who were very close to us in the beginning and helping in every way they could, turned also serious and were rarely seen.
Ok, but not all was bad. I still saw that our actions had some desired effect. I met some people who were very enthusiastic and happy to work with us or listen what we have to say even when we told that we have no means to support them with money or footballs or whatever materials. I saw some women who finally found a place where to say out what they think about their situation in Kenya, eyes filled with security that they often don’t have. Some schoolgirls with whom I talked about gender equality, the reality in Kenya and possibilities to fight for better future, showed their intelligence and will to talk along in questions concerning their whole society. Actually it seemed that changes in their society towards more righteous and liberal living standards are anyway happening. It may take many generations, but finally Kenyan women will learn how to protect themselves, how to be more powerful and acquire their equal part in the family beside men. Probably over time also corruption and poverty will diminish, giving way to balanced society.
Our second goal, HIV/AIDS education, although as important as the first goal, was harder to work on and harder was to see impact we did. It actually seems that people in Kenya know quite a lot about HIV and about protecting themselves from it, yet at the same time HIV still spreads with alarming rate. So here must be some hidden factor. We can’t underemphasize culturally unique situations and common legends that sometimes make people to look past all the knowledge and simply set themselves into the risk. It is hard to make people to abandon the regular ways of life and doing things with what people are used to (for example that because of bad economical situation and fact that there is much more women than men in society, many men have mistresses or as locals say, spare wheels). But over time also came to me that their sexual education and family/life planning is if not absolutely taboo, then very primitive. No one usually speaks about different life decisions concerning sexual life and various possible results – not family, not in school, not in wider channels by community and institutions. That is what we can do. With straightforward talk and setting them to face the serious facts, we can show that such things cannot be taboos. They simply have to choose proper methods to educate youth about such things. But still, our program about HIV/AIDS prevention changed surely much more than other things. Problem wasn’t that we wouldn’t have known what to teach. We had a lot of knowledge about the matter. Carlos was practically an expert and also I knew a lot about it. Also as many of us were professional social workers or had a grade in education, then problem wasn’t that we wouldn’t have known methods. Simply it was hard to get close to people, to open them. At first it was even hard to find out how much they actually know, next problem was to talk about things that in this culture often still cause uncomfortable feelings. In the beginning surely great deal of local reality, the true nature of the problems, simply escaped our attention or understanding, but I think that in the end we did even better job than we believed to be able. In the end we had quite powerful program that didn’t cause cultural conflict and really made young people to be interested of that. Of course we also talked on these matters with our personal contacts – friends, co-workers, other acquaintances and in some cases even with more close people than just friends – in what case it was certainly much easier to reach them, and it was much more personal and effective. Even if we did impact on these few, then I believe it was already enough reason for us to be there.
About ecological work I will write separately. KESOFO visibility project manifests itself in Internet and I already added links above. I think our art and dance projects acted as something that generates interest to these arts that basically are absent in Africa, but would be very important for cultural development; also call young people to be engaged more in things that are mostly for themselves, creating therefore more active and self understanding generation. I hope we were a little bit as role models to these young people. By the way, I believe that arts are the key factor for creating a society where people are not out only for profit, competing each other, but who will find a way to good values, diverse personality, good education and honest relations with others and whole world.
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But like I already said, we didn’t go to Kenya to do service only to the world and humanity. We also were sent there to develop ourselves and then perhaps teach others what we learned. I’m quite sure that none of us would argue if I say that actually impact of our stay there was greatest on ourselves. In this chapter I’m not writing specifically what we learned about Kenya, people and culture, I even plan to dedicate a separate chapter for my personal relations and another one just comes about me. But anyway, I just say now, that for us, being half a year in Kenya was like intensive course about human nature, life and crazy, crazy world. Course; or sometimes it also seemed like social experiment bringing out all sides of us, setting us to different tryouts and looking what comes out of all this. It was pretty extreme.

Aliens invade

Täielik ulme noh

One more post today. Yesterday night I watched a movie about one town in Alaska where it seemed that all the townspeople were visited and abducted by aliens. I have to say that like other documentaries about aliens, also this movie itself pretty much sucked. Though before going to sleep it created quite creepy feeling. I actually believe that aliens exist and visit our planet and for some reason abduct great numbers of humans, and also for certain reasons I believe that when I was kid they also may have abducted me, therefore even this crappy movie had some impact on me.

How do you know if you are abducted? Like usual, they remove the memory and make it all seem just like a dream (if you think a little, then it is so easy to make us believe that something that happened in the middle of the night was just a dream.. some hypnosis or something like this, and everything seems logic). Usually abduction experiences seem like dreams with certain memory lapses. But some things raise the questions. When some kid who have not known much about all of this alien theme at all, haven't watched sci-fi movies, but have been more interested of medieval knights and heroes like William Tell for example, how does that kid suddenly see amazingly detailed and realistic dream about UFO? Or when you see some place you never have been, but many years later you get there and find out that it is exactly as it was in dream, then what to think about that? Maybe you have even wrote about it before visiting the place. What if after this experience suddenly your physical condition starts to change, you get weird medical problems to what doctors don't find any explanation? And after all, this experience is really weird for dream. Well, dreams are usually weird, but it is weird that it was not weird but very logical. Most stories like this have very common features that are not very dreamlike. You ask why would aliens abduct people? Who knows? There may be reasons we can't even think about. In the world there are lots of people who say they have seen UFO's, many people who have come to realize they were abducted, even some statements from people with backgrounds that simply make them feel credible. Just few days ago there was talk about this theme in radio here in Estonia, and one guy who investigates these things said that such statements come from highranking statesmen, scientists, army officers, pilots, astronauts, psychologists, from big groups, from people who see the same sighting from different places, there are although not very good photos and videos, still some material that are by experts been acknowledged not to be fake.

I'm not some conspiracy theory fanatic, simply a guy who from time to time just questions some things that not many people even think, and lately some things have started to seem weird again. Actually what brought this theme into my attention again, is that it has actually come up again lately everywhere. And not just sightings (these happen anyway quite often), not even some highly credible statements, although also these are made more often nowdays (Maybe these people have until now been afraid, maybe they have signed non-disclosure agreements, maybe they believed that no-one would believe and his/her statements would mark him/her as crazy, but lately anyway people have come to be more ready to tell things out.. again who knows why). But anyway, right now it is that theme of extra-terrestrial beings has come into the interest of different institutions and appeared in very serious talks and seminars. International organization like UN is discussing about space aliens matters and seems to prepare paragraph changes that would expand some rights and laws so far applying only to humans, also to ET; British Science Academy and other conservative areas hold seminars that in one side are serious, but from other side seem kind of like some fantasy fan gatherings; Russian leaders have organised enquiries about how people would react if they would come to know that aliens exist, and even Catholic church is suddenly stating that they are ready to introduce the true God and creator of entire universe also to our brothers and sisters from other worlds. All this makes at least me to wonder if there is something that elite of the world and specialists of certain areas know, something that they haven't shared with general population, yet what now seems to need disclosure in near future. I can't believe that all this crap is just hypothetical or even random. I guess if there is some secret they know, then at least in this decade it will be revealed to everyone. We'll see.

Kalenjin

Here you can read what wikipedia writes about Kalenjin people. I will not repeat it.. at least not much. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalenjin_people

I came to an idea to introduce some tribes with whom we had some contacts in Kenya. I also have idea to make paintings about every same tribe, but this is for the future. I am sure that in these writings I will have a lot of stereotypes and generalization (that is not the whole truth), but together with my own observations it will have some truth in it. And after all to people who want to know how is people in Kenya, how are they different from Europeans and Americans, then I guess these chapters will have justification as the only way to give at least some idea without visiting the place yourself. Just bear in mind that in many ways people are like people everywhere. There are lots of different personalities, etc, but some things I just felt that can be told about groups of people who are living in different parts of Kenya.

Ah yeah, tribes in Kenya, mostly these are just to count the descendancy and know the local languages, maybe some surviving traditions too. Most of the people are modernized, pretty much united Kenyan people. But there are also some tribes that more or less try to hold their traditional living styles and some even can be really called tribal people.

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Kalenjin is actually fairly new name for tribal union or tribes with similar languages and traditional background. There is about ten or so tribes that are said to be Kalenjin. They inhabit most of the highlands area in western Kenya. As Eldoret, where we were most of our time, is in center of that area, then we naturally had mostly to do with Kalenjin people.

Ok, these tribes still have some differences in their languages. Mostly differences in pronounciacion, but sometimes also some different words. And Pokot seemed to have actually very different language and they also called it Pokot language, yet they are still called Kalenjin too. At the same time it was rare that someone would say that they are speaking Keiyo.. they spoke Kalenjin. Only time when I heared people saying anything about speaking Nandi, was when elders were surprised that I know some Kalenjin words (btw. they said that I pronounce very well). But as wikipedia says, before 50-s these all were called Nandi languages, therefore it is understandable why elderly people say so. Young always called it Kalenjin language.

Kalenjin are Nilotes (look from wikipedia what it means) like much more known and more traditional tribes of Maasai, Turkana and Samburu, and like most other Nilotic people, also Kalenjin are traditionally pastoralists. Well, this of course you can also read from wiki, but it doesn't actually say anything about contemporary reality. Even these days cattle is important to them both culturally and for main source of food. It is so even though many Kalenjin have settled from rural areas to more dense areas - towns and slums around these, where living style and ways of economics are already much different from village life. Many Kalenjin would still like to live in countryside, they would prefer simple life there (when compared to modern complexity and bureucracy), but they just don't manage with this life. Times have changed and most of them understand that they can't stay the same forever either.

Ok, they are slowly modernizing, but still many of them try to hold their traditions. Not only songs and dances, also commons, how they relate to others, etc. Initiation ceremony is still widespread and one of the initiation traditions is circumcision. It was said to us that Kalenjin still do more circumcisions to both boys and girls than most other people there. Cattle for dowery is perhaps not so big and not anymore so important as for example in Maasai communities, but this tradition is still held and taking a wife without negotiating with her family and giving them dowery may offend or even anger them. Many of them still have one missing frontal teeth - also knocking out one tooth was one of the common initiation tradition in many tribes in this part of the world, although yes, it seems this tradition is now disappearing. Some elders also have big earholes where they once wore small wooden sticks (at first I thought that these were earplates, but finally I saw a picture some Kalenjin having short but about 5cm diameter wooden sticks through these earholes.. if I can find a picture from internet, then I add here), but this tradition is now for some reason abandoned. And I was said that many Kalenjin men don't want to give up their supremacy over women (actually I even noticed myself.. sometimes it seems that woman are more slaves to them than anything else) and there were supposed to be more men among Kalenjin who beat their women than in other tribes. It is too bad that well surviving are especially that kind of unhumane traditions, but national dresses and really old songs and dances, even these earsticks, are disappearing. They lose basically everything that was special about them and are turning to modern society with lots of problems.

But for some reason I somehow started liking Kalenjin right away, when to many other tribes I had lots of reservations and some I didn't like very much even to the end. I even came to identify myself almost as half Kalenjin. Even when I had some problems with some of them, even if I didn't like how some of them acted towards us (volunteers from Europe) or towards women, or just acted weird, even then in general I liked this people. Their past was fascinating, their old traditions amazing (too bad that I can't show you photos or videos of traditional Kalenjin dancers or even proper videos of more contemporary Kalenjin folk songs.. these are really something special), their language is so beautiful (I loved it much more than Swahili, their official national language). I liked the beauty of their people (of course there is much diversity, but over all I find that Kalenjin have prettiest girls) - their slim body that often finds proper application in sports, their bronze-like dark skin, their interesting facial features and sweet, little bit modest personality, I truelly fancy these. And when I say that they are modest, then at the same time they are very much social. They are cheerful (most other people seemed also bit reserved toward us, then Kalenjin basically embraced us from the first moments.. sometimes it even felt that we would require more peace and more privacy, but this is their way of culture, their way of hospitality. And when we are finding something in their culture disturbing or when we found us exploited (you know, practically everyone there thinks that white people are powerful and rich), then basically it is not their fault. They have been grown up in this culture. It is us who have to grow a tougher skin and learn the local ways. But yes, generally Kalenjin are very hospitable and good people.. especially in countryside.

Nge tuye goi! See you later!

Ordinary days at the madhouse

Click on the photos to see bigger.

Why madhouse? Because, when considered to our naighbours in Kenya, we simply were or came to be kind of crazy. We did crazy things, we talked madness, we often let our feelings to get the charge over our minds. But this kind of craziness is fun and that was exactly what we needed. It keeped us going and morale fairly high.

Of course we could say that Caroline is crazy, but we also have to admit that so are we.. everyone in a different way. Today we finished clips for our African music video. It was funny to do it, but finalproduct will be craziest thing. We can give it to KESOFO as a video report of our activities. Of course if we survive, because some neighbours saw some of our guys in girls dresses and around here they burn the house with all the people inside for such things. Choreography of this thing was also awful, but we are white guys - we can't dance.

-excerpt from my travel journals, 20. june

Caroline (Caro) was our houseaid and Kenzie was her little daughter. Caroline was crazy almost in every way one can be, and well, some of her craziness was already flaming in Kenzie too. In general Caroline was pretty lazy and we mostly had to make food ourselves, and she didn't care so much about cleaning either, but then again I wouldn't imagine what our stay would have been without them. Some of us didn't like Caroline very much as she lied often, already mentioned lazyness, fact that she didn't allow us any privacy (for example she and our nightguard peeped from window when me and Carlos had some girls at home and had some wild action), and she re-located some of our things to her own room (we didn't take it so seriously though as things were of minor importance). But me, I wasn't so disturbed by that and now I really miss that crazyness around me. Well ok, sometimes I hated how she didn't tell me what she knows about what is actually happening between me and Kate, but this was small thing. And little Kenzie. I really love this four year old whirlwind running around, laughing, playing, talking even though we didn't often understand her. And she could make amazing faces - sometimes purposely but best of these simply happened. Girl with thousand faces.. and that not in a bad way. Without her we would have been so unhappy. Most of us cried when we had to leave them. They are forever in our hearts.

Anyway, they all that half a year were big part of our life. They developed with us through different periods. Others didn't trust Caroline that much, but I and Helen, we often talked about our private matters to her - it helped. I hope that also when Caroline had her crisis, then we were there to support her. Caroline was one of three people who really tried to show Kate how much I love her, but then again she was also only one whose actions may have created embarrassment to Kate. Anyway, if not in any other way, then with jokes, sometimes stupid jokes and laughter, she made our days brighter. For others was funny even when she made a joke on someone - like flirting with Helen - that was hilarious. They were also great help learning the culture and language. But one thing I really didn't like - when Caro clamoured and hit Kenzie when she had troubles making homework from pre-school.

No-one deserves to be hurt. I feel pain when weaker has to endure the punishment from bigger and stronger and I feel especiallysad as I can't really do anything about it. I'm not her parent, I don't have any parenting experience at all, and I'm from another world. I can only show out my dislike for that kind of action.

-excerpt from my travel journal, 12.february

Our days in Kenya were never the same. We finally didn't have actual weekly plan. Sometimes we were at home all the day, we woke up late, made breakfast, played with Kenzie, took some sunbath, wrote our journals, talked in internet with friends or family, washed our clothes.. by hands as basically everyone in Kenya.. and got really tired of it, went for little run, played some cards, drinked rum and singed. Or we had some plans for the day. In morning quite early we went to some school ore municipal council (neither place usually seemed very useful), sometimes we did clean-ups at slums, well, whatever we did, then lunch was in town. It is actually good to have sometimes food at home and sometimes in town. That way you don't get tired of the same all the time. Sometimes in afternoons we visited some sportsclub and did our program there. Some evenings we went to pub or danceclub.. or visit some of our friends we finally got. Sometimes activities were well planned ahead.. and for longer time, but most of our stay there was actually quite chaotical. Often we called together a meeting and talked about problem of hosting organization's inability to organize, how plans often fail and then we suddenly don't have anything to do anymore. But this gave us a lot time for ourselves and for traveling. For ourselves - this actually isn't true, as in our house we rarely were alone and everything had something to do about others. We had to consider with everyone. Sometimes we had some conflicts. Especially at the beginning, but later we probably couldn't have done without eachother. At some point everyone has lowtime and how blessed you are if you have so many good people around.

This half a year it was quick but at the same time it is amazing how much can happen and how much we go through with this time. From total strangers of the culture and way of life we carve our own path. In the beginning we were very dependant of locals. We just follow and are pretty much burned out when problems start to rise. But over time we get lots of new experiences. From first connections, relations and plans comes naturally chaos. Unconstructive time is often used to explore the country and our own thresholds. We learn to trust more ourselves. We learn to be more independent. We have many mikroperiods when we bond more ourselves and then again have problems or simply find more interest of local people outside of our co-workers. Microperiods when we want to be more at home, do more something useful or for example explore the countryside and hike around. We find more and more ways how to make our life more interesting and soon we do damn crazy things - soapoperas in our lives, illegal experimentations, crazy parties, killing chickens for our dinner, etc. We invent new ways to pass time - gambling for chapaties, learn how to make local food, Love teached me break dancing, Carlos to Love some martial arts, going to church with hangover even though non of us was christian, Mykolas often building something, Love killing mosquitos, Mykolas catching thermites to cook, me fighting inviding ants, bowling with football and empty bottles, drawing weird things, doing percussion/noise with any random item, practicing front- and backflips in garden, different games, etc. We had times when we get depressed and then better again, often thanks to our other group members supporting us in the hard time. Or sometimes we just need to do something crazy and forget everything, find a girl for example.

Ok.. I probably add more to here, but for now I am tired.

COLOURS

I add some photos that show how many blooms, and therefore how many colours Africa has. Of course blooms are not the only things colourful. Houses painted with different colours, thousands of colourful signs that actually doesn't even seem to fill their purpose, as there are so many, it is amazingly hard to find what you are looking, painted small busses with neonlights, etc. But flowers then.

Tis time for Africa

Probably you would ask what did I see in Kenya, where did I travel, what was Africa like? Well, for one I must say that from our group I think I saw least of those great African animals. I didn't go to national parks when others went (except Kakamega rainforest about what I already have wrote here). National parks are very expensive and truth to be said I wasn't so much interested of going to these stupid safaris where you drive in a car and make photos. I wasn't much interested of these animals who were gathered to these parks to make human civilization room to grow. This is not real Africa in these parks.. not anymore.Animals I saw had to be free. There was of course also some wildernesses where I saw some, but it actually kind of makes me sad to see documentaries about Africa, where it seems that these animals have endless fields to run. Yes in Tanzania national parks and reserves are very big, but still. Before going there I always thought that animal migrations are extremely epic through countries towards the water, but it is impossible. But seeing any animal wasn't my greatest interest anyway. I don't care about them. Africa is much more, exactly like Estonia isn't just wolves and bears that are nowdays so rare elsewhere in most of the Europe. Seeing some animals was more like a nice sidesight. But even in nature I was more excited to visit different parts of the country, see different climate, landforms, that wonder how diverse can one country be: palmbeaches, really immense fields with weird yet mighty baobab trees, rift valley about what ETV is showing a documentary now (this satuday last part will be shown), middle plateau with acacia "forests" and also greatest population, highlands that are in some way like places here with cunifer trees, yet along these are still also palms, cactuses, acacias, aloes etc.. and lots of blooms everywhere.. and of course northern drylands, deserts or half deserts with only sand, thorned bushes and cactuses. And what was best, for a boy from such flatland as Estonia, of course high hills and mountains. Even small hills with cliffs that when you climb them, don't seem so small anymore at all. I adore these hills and mountains. They can even cause certain optical illusions. And what sights when you reach the top. Sometimes on top I thought about the first men on these wild lands. It is a wonderful world there, true wonder of nature. But even this without humans and different social and cultural experiences wouldn't have been what I was looking for. Well, sometimes my heart have desired to travel to some place of the world still untouched by humans or at least with very primitive cultures, but actually already Kenya gave me good enough feeling of different world where nature is not same as here and neither is human civilization. Over time I have grown tired of this shit in Europe, and even if shit is everywhere, then I liked Kenya as it was different. More than this, there I felt something that said - feel everything around you, don't worry, be at peace and be rested. There really is something extremely calming. I can't say that it wouldn't be crazy, totally crazy world, with lots of noise, lots of interaction, weird human behaviour, but still somehow it relaxes you. Even most cruelest fate, most painful events can't ruin it. Ok, and anyway I knew that I will not find exactly a paradise there. I knew that instead of freely roaming elephants I see poor people, problems with country's infrastructure and such other things. I already tuned my mind to it before going and therefore I wasn't disappointed about anything. And really, ethno-cultural and modern-cultural exploration can be as interesting as exploring the wild. Not to mention simple socializing with local people.

Most of our group basically avoided big cities and didn't like Eldoret much either. I actually liked cities with all their good and bad sides. Places with different size and places in different sides of the country are again so marvelously diverse. Getting to know the life in cities, towns and also villages, that is what I call direct contact with the country and its people. That is how you really live into the strange culture. Imagine being in a big city like Mombasa all alone, away from everyone you know and even not have any contact with any other white peole, talk with locals, go to have a lunch with three moslem man to their house simply by letting off all your fears, trusting them as it is only way you can experience such things, this is worth of living. Or riding a motorbike through real ghetto town at night and listening rap music from their own radio.. living in rural areas in farmhouses made of branches, clay and mud (but about these experiences more specifically some other time), these things you never forget. Even going to clubs, shops or market at the other side of the world has greater value for me than making elephant tour. Not because of buying, but again because of simply jumping into the middle of local population, getting to know their commons, language, everything. I'm certainly more of an experimenting scientist than one who looks for fossils and imagines the past. I'm more of an artist who has to do everything by himself and touch things with his own hand than simple admirer of masterpieces that are shown to the people. Last of course literally.

Of course that kind of plunging into the unknown has great risks and sooner or later you have also understanding of the bad side of the same wonderland, but this is complete picture. Without pain there is actually no gain. Of course I got robbed four times and the first one was in the fourth day of my stay there. I saw a horrible traffic accident and people's reaction that was extremely hard to tolerate.. so terrible was that. And view of the victim - I was basically silent for the reminder of the day. I felt the stress that comes if nothing is as should be, when even emergency workers are corrupt and amazingly slow. I felt great pain because of lost love, I felt cheated, but maybe I cheated myself. I had to tolerate importunate streetkids who want money only to buy glue to sniff, prostitutes and other people who try to use you any way as they can. You will be lied so much that you really start to question the worth of this culture at some time. But when you survive the bad, you emerge stronger and smarter.. and you have tales to write to books or tell to your grandchildren. Bad things are just inseparable part of everything. You have to learn about both good and bad to respect the whole. If you truelly want to learn about culture then jump into it and learn to deal with everything and anything that may happen. Of course I would suggest that you acquire as much knowledge of things that may await you, otherwise you really may come to be a victim yourself, but then again never think that you are ever ready and knowing everything. Even when you are prepared, it just reduces the blow and helps you rise again if you have mind that doesn't crack just in first unfortunate thing you come to experience. Don't ever let one sided things to ruin your view of that country or people. When you fall to the stress because of missing your home or because of weirdnesses of that place (people being late all the time for example), then think about it, this is adventure and adventure are never supposed to be easy. Just be strong. And after a while you get used to it, things are not bothering anymore, you find ways how to avoid bad experiences, and maybe finally you come to like or love this place like I did. Maybe I will die because of that kind of foolhardiness at some day, but I just don't find any other way to get what I need. Maybe you didn't know, but I'm actually also adrenaline junky.

Yes, I risked a lot, with my healt, with my life, material security and psychological balance, and I fucking like what came out of it. I found much more in Africa than I knew I was even looking for. I don't know how much I'm now a changed man, but at least I got lots of new ideas. I even want to change my life basically 180 degrees. Ok, we'll see what comes out of that. I think I found out for myself what is a human and I found new pieces of my own soul. I guess I'm changed, if not so clearly for others then anyway for myself.

When I said that I probably traveled least of our group, then again I traveled alone I think much more than others. This is actually how it should be done. Kind of only way to find out the true face and essence of the place and people. Or at least be only one in the group of local friends. When you are with your local friends, then other people look much more to you as a local too. They really even take less notice of you or when it is natural then they socialize with you as never would happen when you go around with white group. Of course it will also come to be possible over time, as you can't find true friends and good people with only couple of weeks. Well, maybe you shouldn't go to slums alone and return from there in the darkness like I did (as this is actually really crazy thing to do), then certainly don't limit yourself with what your travel companions want and decide to do or by following the warnings of every travel guide. Local contacts and friends.. and even lovers if you wish, are best things you can get in foreign country. If you are lucky, they show you places where tourists never ever get to go, dare to go or know to go. Sometimes even such special places about what most local population don't know.. some little wonderous secrets. Then you are really blessed. I was.

Just to give some head on, I will write about some certain experiences separately and add some photos, although with photos is that problem that I must make a selection from 20 dvd's.. we went crazy:D

Face of Africa

Ok.. enough of silence. Many people waited a proper reports from Africa, but I got disturbed by some girl and because I was realy destroyed by sadness I just left everything. This doesn't mean that I didn't have good time in Kenya. Even more, I got such experiences and learned a lot. I will tell more over some time. Now it is simply that I don't plan writing things from my notebooks, but I will make some kind of overview and I even thought that I add some most interesting photos. But really only few. I have tens of thousands of photos and unlike you may think it is not always good to have so many. It makes choosing hard.

But today I wanted to write about quite an interesting find. I searched internet for African music as I have lost some I had in my computer before I went there. Actually I didn't know how special music I had. Most of the music I found in Kenya was so one sided, mostly Nigerian dance music. Well I also got some nice local music and some islamic music of what I'm already quite tired. And also today, most of the music I found was some traditional music. One CD was different though. Very different. It was called "Extreme music from Africa", but really, I couldn't expect something like this. Face of Africa I just saw, or actually listened, was very different from anything I could have believed even after visiting Africa myself, especially after seeing Africa myself. Before going to Kenya I thought that they have more various modern music. We were really lucky when we found a band that played jazz, soul and rock music there. Not to mention any electronic genres like d'n'b or something else along these lines. Anyway, "Extreme music from Africa" was full of electronic music and easiest listening was one track of dark electro-industrial. Other tracks were dark ambient or pure noise. Well, not really something that I like to listen, but interesting find anyway.

Kate and Sarah

Followed by translation to Estonian.

10.02.2010

(Things have changed a great deal since I wrote this text. Both Sarah and Kate are very different from the view I had about them then. And I really fell in love with Kate and lost basically all interest for Sarah)

When we had on arrival trainings, then at one evening there was proper welcoming party organized for us. We singed and danced local traditional songs. And biggest part was giving flowers to everyone. To each European, one local was assigned to give over the bouquet. For me of course it was set Kate. They already almost have wed us.. it seems. And although I don't know exactly what that song meant that they singed at the time when she gave me flowers (because at the time of giving over the flowers, others singed different song every time.. usually somehow connected with the person), but even this seemed to hint to something. At the end of this evening we kissed publically.

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But last days I have had second thoughts again. I like Kate, but actually first I got interested of Sarah, and sometimes I feel that I like her more. I feel that maybe I’m fooling myself and Kate. Yes, also Kate is super beautiful, but still, I’d have to say that I don’t feel quite right with her. When I hold around her, when I kiss her, yes of course I feel good then, but then again, it seems just like relieving my desires. At the same time, when we look for some time into each others eyes with Sarah, then it feels much more special. And now, Sarah’s statement that she and Carlos are just friends, brought these questions to my mind again. But actually, for me it seems still that there is more between them.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kate ja Sarah

10.02.2010

(Asjad on kõvasti muutunud sellest ajast saati, kui ma selle teksti kirja panin. Mõlemad Sarah ja Kate on hoopis teistsugused sellest nägemusest, mis mul tollel ajal neist oli. Ja ma armusin tõsiselt Kate’i ära ning põhimõtteliselt kaotasin igasuguse huvi Sarah suhtes).

Kui meil olid saabumisjärgsed treeningud, siis ühe päeva õhtul korraldati meile korralik tervitus pidu. Me laulsime ja tantsisime kohalikke traditsioonilisi laule. Ja suurim osa oli igale ühele lillekimbu üle andmine. Igale eurooplasele pidi üks kohalikest lilled üle andma. Mulle loomulikult määrati Kate. Nad on siin meid põhimõtteliselt juba paari pannud. Ja kuigi ma ei tea, mida see laul tähendas, mida nad sel ajal laulsid (sest iga kord kui kellelegi lilli üle anti, laulsid teised erinevaid laule.. ja tavaliselt olid need laulud kuidagi selle isikuga seotud), aga isegi see tundus millelegi vihjavat. Selle õhtu lõpul me suudlesimegi Kate’ga täiesti avalikult.

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Aga viimastel päevadel on mul jälle kahtlusi tekkinud. Mulle meeldib Kate, aga tegelikult ennem huvitusin ma Sarah’st, ja vahel on tunne, et tema meeldib mulle isegi rohkem. Ma mõtlen, et äkki ma lollitan nii Kate'i kui ka iseennast.

Jah, muidugi ka Kate on super ilus, aga siiski ei ole mul päris õiget tunnet. Kui ma tema ümbert kinni hoian või teda suudlen, siis muidugi tunnen ma ennast hästi, aga samas tundub see vaid tühja ihade rahuldamisena. Samas kui me Sarah’ga mõnda aega üksteise silmadesse vaatame, siis selles on midagi erilisemat. Sellised küsimused tõi mu pähe uuesti Sarah väide, et tema ja Carlos on vaid sõbrad. Siiski, minul on küll enamus ajast tunne, et nende vahel on midagi enamat.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kuigi ka välimuse poolest tundub Sarah mulle huviäratavam, võin ma öelda, et nad on võrdselt ilusad. Aga neil on väga erinevad iseloomud ja omadused. Sarah on üpris vaikne ja tagasihoidlik, aga väga hooliv ja nummi. Tema naeratus, mida ta tihti näitab, on uskumatu. Vahel on ta ka mänguline, aga teisel ajal võib ta muretsev ja endasse tõmbunud näida. Ja ta oskab flirtida.

Kate on rohkem energilisem ja impulsiivsem ja ta on küllaltki tõelise Aafrika temperamendi esindaja (mis muidugi üldsegi mitte halb ei ole), aga tema näiteks ise eriti lähedust ei otsi. Ma ei saa öelda, et tema niimoodi hooliv ja nummi oleks nagu Sarah, samas aga tundub ta otsekohesem ja ausam. See otsekohesus aga samuti muudab ta vahel igavamaks.

Kas ma peaksin rahul olema sellega, mis mul juba olemas on, või on vale oma südame häält mitte kuulda võtta. Täna isegi, kuigi Kate oli samas meie kõrval, vahtisime Sarah'ga eriti pikalt üksteist. See on tõeliselt väljakannatamatu.

PARADISE

Followed by translation to Estonian
From 4. february 2010 (note that it is old writing, but last blog entrance was contemporary. For today me and Catherine have broken up)

I think I have never been as happy as now. Sometimes I have strong almost spiritual experiences and tears of joy just come to my eyes. Today we went to Kipkaren (not that place where Kate lives; not in Eldoret at all.. it’s place I think more than 50 km-s away) to agricultural training centre and primary school. I can easily compare this place with paradise. Amazingly beautiful place and also schools are better than in Eld. We plan to go back there sometime. Maybe we’ll do something together with kids (for example I would like to make some papier mashe with them and draw a little bit) and to hike to the hills nearby. In this “farm-school” we can eat cheap and very good food made of things grown only there.
People there are even nicer than elsewhere. We got such of an amount of welcomings, thanks and invitations back that it just felt unbelievable. Every person said at least ten times all of that. Also, as a little bit before our leaving it started to rain, they really saw us like a gift from God.
Kenya is beautiful even with the rain, at least in the case when you don't have to walk in the mud. In Kipkaren, when it started to rain, it really amazed me how clouds moved – rolled from up to down with a noticeable fast flow. It seemed like a smoke whirl that comes out of explosion little bit slowed down. I have never seen something like that and couldn’t have imagined that something like this is possible. It really seemed like some mark from God. Rain itself was not so strong, but every raindrop felt bigger and heavier than in Estonia. Also quite cool is to see hills and mountains in mist or clouds. It seems like there’s more dimensions of space or something.
When we arrived to Kipkaren, it was exactly the end of the school day. So kids of course followed us and we had to greet everyone. But funniest was that when they walked after us, then instead of calling me mzungu, they chanted rasta, rasta. I still don't have dreads, but kids there don't know that any man except rastafarians would have long hair. And as they never had seen any rasta, they were really excited.
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All the work of yesterday was that we again went to Kapsoya, where we joined the physical education class of some school. We did some gymnastic exercises and played football. They were too many, so I actually didn’t understand anything about the game, but it was still fun. Oh yes, we also visited the gardens of some guy around there and I got to taste some interesting berries and leaves.
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Yesterday evening we decided to go out again. We intended to go to the same small pub we visited in the first days here, but Kate and Sarah were with us, and they are too concerned about our security. So we ended up in dance club again. Music was too loud and at first not at all for our taste. And of course this place felt too posh for us. We would like more true African music and feeling. Kate and Sarah weren’t much in a dance mood either. Still, as I got to be a lot together with Kate and finally I also kissed her on the lips; it was good evening for me.
How seriously I take what I have with Kate, I don't know yet. I don't have any plans and I just go with the flow.. as always. Sometimes I think that it's crazy.. I can’t imagine what if I really fall in love with her, but nevertheless I want it to happen. I like to be with her. It is calming, at the same time exciting, but actually I also fear the future.
Kate and Sarah went home few hours before us, and it was really weird how right after their leaving other women in the club started to hit on me and Carlos. Today, in front of Nakumatt store, I ran accidentally to one of these girls from yesterday. Not only that their sticking behaviour was quite disgusting, this one also talked weird things. She said kind of something like: “It is really bad that all black women want any white guys they see”. I wonder what was that what she herself did then.
In addition to us, there were plenty of Americans in this club this evening - probably university students, although I forgot to ask. For a long time I thought that I should go and talk with them, but for some reason I didn’t. Yet, before we left, one of them came to talk with me. Laureen again. It was quite good to talk with an American. Even with a loud music, she easily understood everything I said. But we didn’t talk for long and now I regret that I didn’t ask her phone number, as it would be nice to hang around again with them also some other time.


PARADIIS

4. veebruar 2010 (see sissekanne on vana, erinevalt eelmisest. Seega märgin ära, et tänaseks oleme me Catherine'ga lahku läinud).

Ma arvan, et ma pole kunagi nii õnnelik olnud nagu praegu. Vahel on mul tugevaid hingelisi kogemusi ja rõõmupisarad lihtsalt tulevad silmadesse. Täna läksime me Kipkarenisse (mitte see koht kus Kate elab; üldse mitte Eldoretis.. ma arvan, et see koht on vähemalt 50 kilomeetrit linnast eemal) põllumajanduslikku koolituskeskust ja sealset põhikooli külastama. Seda kohta saab kergesti paradiisiga võrrelda. Nii ilus on see. Ka koolid on seal palju korralikumad kui linnas. Me plaanime sinna kindlasti tagasi minna. Võibolla teeme midagi lastega (näiteks tahaksin ma papier mashe’d teha ja midagi joonistada) ja muidugi kavatseme ka lähedal asuvatesse mägedesse matkata. Süüa saame selles „farmi koolis“ odavalt väga head vaid kohapeal kasvatatud asjadest valmistatud rooga.
Ka inimesed seal on palju mõnusamad. Meile sai osaks selline teretulemast, tänude ja tagasi kutsete valang, et lihtsalt uskumatu. Iga isik ütles kõike seda vähemalt kümme korda. Ning veidi enne meie ära minekut algas ka vihmasadu, mispeale meid tõsiselt nagu kingitust jumalalt nähti.
Keenia on ilus isegi vihmaga. Vähemalt juhul kui sa ei pea mudas kõndima. Kipkarenis, kui vihma sadama hakkas, siis mind tõsiselt üllatas kuidas pilved liikusid – rullusid ülevalt alla selgelt märgatava kiire vooluna. Tundus nagu suitsukeeris veidi aeglustatuna, mis väljub plahvatusest. Ma pole varem kunagi midagi sellist näinud ega oleks suutnud ka ette kujutada. See tõesti tundus nagu mingisugune jumalik märk. Vihm ise ei olnud tugev, kuid iga vihmapiisk tundus suurem ja raskem kui Eesti omad. Samuti on päris lahe näha udu või pilvede sees olevaid mägesid.. Tundub nagu oleks olemas rohkem kui kolm ruumimõõdet.
Kui me Kipkarenisse jõudsime, siis oli parasjagu koolipäeva lõpp ja seega otse loomulikult kõik lapsed jälle jälitasid meid ning me pidime kõiki kättpidi tervitama. Kõige naljakam selle juures oli aga see, et tavapärase mzunguks nimetamise asemel käis minu kohta korduvalt rasta, rasta. Mull pole ikka veel dreade, aga need lapsed seal külas ei tea, et ükski mees väljaarvatud rastafarianid oleks pikkade juustega. Ja kuna nad kunagi polnud ühtegi rastat näinud, siis olid nad väga õhinas.
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Kogu eilse päeva töö seisnes selles, et me käisime jälle Kapsoyas, kus me liitusime ühe kooli kehalise kasvatuse tunniga. Me võimlesime koos lastega ja siis mängisime jalgpalli ka natuke. Neid oli liiga palju ja tegelikult ei saanud ma seepärast mängust midagi aru, aga hoolimata sellest oli see vahva. Ah jaa, me külastasime seal ka ühe mehe aeda, kus ma sain mõningaid huvitavaid marju ja lehti maitsta.
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Eile õhtul otsustasime jälle välja minna. Esialgne plaan oli minna jälle sellesse väiksesse pubisse, kus me käisime ühel esimestest õhtutest, aga meiega olid kaasas ka Kate ja Sarah ning nad on meie turvalisuse pärast tõesti liiga mures. Seega jõudsime lõpuks ikkagi tantsuklubisse. Muusika oli liiga vali ja vähemalt algul üldse mitte meie maitse järgi. Üldse tundus see koht liiga uhke (vähemalt selleks õhtuks). Me oleksime tahtnud rohkem tõelist Aafrika muusikat ja õhkkonda. Ka Kate ja Sarah polnud eriti tantsu tujus. Siiski, kuna ma sain päris palju Kate’ga koos olla ja sel õhtul suudlesin teda esmakordselt ka suule, siis mulle kokkuvõttes see õhtu ikkagi meeldis.
Kui tõsiselt ma seda võtan, mis meil Kate’ga on, ma veel ei tea. Mul pole ühtegi plaani ja hetkel kavatsen lihtsalt vaadata kuidas läheb.. nagu alati. Vahel ma mõtlen, et see on ju hullumeelsus, ma ei oska mõeldagi, mis siis kui ma temasse ära armun, aga ometi tahan ma, et see nii läheks. Mulle meeldib temaga olla. See on rahustav, Samal ajal meeldivalt ergutav, aga tegelikult olen ma ka tuleviku pärast mures.
Kate ja Sarah läksid paar tundi enne meid koju ja oli päris veider näha kuidas kohe pärast seda kõik ülejäänud kohalikud naised ennast minule ja Carlosele külge hakkasid määrima. Täna jooksin juhuslikult Nakumatti poe ees kokku ühega neist eilsetest tüdrukutest. Vähe sellest, et niigi nende kleepuv käitumine üpris vastik oli, siis see ajas veel imelikku juttu ka. Ta ütles umbes midagi sellist, et on ikka nõme, et kõik mustad naised igale valgele mehele alati külge hakkavad lööma. Ei tea, mida ta siis ise tegi.
Lisaks meile oli sel õhtul seal klubis ka hulk ameeriklasi – küllap vist üliõpilased, kuigi ma unustasin seda küsida. Üpris pikalt plaanisin minna nendega rääkima, aga miskipärast ei läinud. Aga enne kui me ära läksime, tuli üks neist ise minu juurde. Jälle Laureen. Oli päris hea vahelduseks ameeriklasega rääkida. Isegi valju muusikaga sai ta kergesti igast mu sõnast aru. Me siiski ei rääkinud väga kaua ja nüüd ma kahetsen, et tema telefoni numbrit ei küsinud, sest oleks päris lahe nendega teine kord koos välja minna.

Fairytale gone bad

This entrance is sadly only for Estonians, as I just don't have a heart to translate it. I fear I can't do it without losing some feeling from it. At least not now.

See on mingil määral nagu lugu uinuvast kaunitarist, aga nagu öeldakse.. pahaks läinud muinasjutt.

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Kuidas see kõik nii on läinud? Ühel hetkel oled seitsmendas taevas ja siis hakkab kõik lagunema. Reaalselt oleks ma pidanud mõtlema, et temaga koos olek ja kõige plaanimine, mida ma plaanisin, on hullus. Selle asemel aga minu pea ütles mulle, et täielik hullumeelsus oleks sellest kõigest loobuda või ilma jääda. Nüüd see aga ongi nii ja seda on lihtsalt hirmus taluda. Maailm värvus täiesti hallidesse toonidesse. Pidevalt on tunne, et see pole päriselt. Ei ole ju? Ma näen lihtsalt õudusunenägu või mind polegi. Ma olen elusoleku ja surma vahepealses maailmas. See pole isegi põrgu, sest seal sa sõidaksid igaviku bussis läbi tolmuse, kuuma kõrbe mööda olematuid teid, ahmides olematut õhku ja vihates seda, kuidas inimesed, kaasa arvates sulle lähedased inimesed on su ümber, kuid sina ei saa nendega rääkida ega neid katsuda. Sa ei näe korralikult isegi nende nägusid. Kuid see maailm on veel hullem. See on tühi, masendav ja samuti iga sekund tundub liiga pikk aeg.

Ülimalt raske on endale tunnistada, et nii see nüüd ongi. Mitte ükski hullumeelne plaan ei lähe täitmisele. Vähemalt mitte nii nagu oli plaanitud. On raske teada, et ma teda igavesti mäletan ja armastan, aga ometi on ta mu jaoks kadunud. Mäletada ta täiuslikke kehavorme - näojooni, peenikest hulluks ajavat kaela, kohta kus rindmik rindadeks üle läheb, saledaid jalgu ja pisikest tagumikku, neid juukseid, millega mul nii palju tegemist oli ning siledaks raseeritud kaenlaaluseid. Rääkimata tema naeratusest, häälest, iseloomust, suudlustest ja hellitustest. Ma ei saa enam kunagi teda maitsta ja ma ei saa kunagi temaga alustatut lõpuni viia. Nii raske on teda näha ja nende mõtetega võidelda. Isegi teda nägemata tulevad pisarad silma.

Ma olen alati väga valiv olnud. Alati varem on miski mulle iga tüdruku juures puudu olevat tundunud. Või siis ka üle olevat. Esmakordselt leidsin kellegi, kes tundus igati terviklik ja sobiv. Ja ka tema tundis midagi sellist. Kõik toimis. Mõeldes, kui kaua selleks aega läks ja kui keeruline see oli, tekib tunne, et on üpris lootusetu uuesti sellise juhuse otsa sattuda. Südame alt läheb külmaks selle mõtte peale. Varem oli mul arvamus, et mu süda ise on külm ja nüüd on kõik vastupidi. Ei oska ilma armastuseta olla. Kuid lisaks sellisele egoistlikule kurbusele piinab mind veel kurbus tema pärast. Mida tema siis veel peab läbi elama? Kuidas saatus saab vahel nii julm olla.