Born to be wild!

Friday morning, waking up early. I haven't woked up 6 o'clock for.. ages. Shower, eating and before the eight I was already on a train to Tallinn. But this WAS the hardest part of the day. Then 4 hours nice car ride through beautiful Estonia to even more beautiful place in northern Latvia named Gaujiena. The "hard work" of rest of the day was to endure the strong sunlight and warmth, and to watch the filming of others, as our scenes were delayed and finally completely set for the next day.

Yeah, after many-many years, I am finally again acting. This time not in theatre but in a movie. And acting is much more for my liking and also much easier for me than is the job of movie director.. or any other job in that matter. I really like acting.. it's absolute fun. And it doesn't matter how much cash I get from it,.. I can travel freely,.. it is the active and interesting life without the need of money, in a company of other very nice people. Well, this time I got only small part. I was one of the patients in the asylum. Other "patients" were really cool people too. This woman who picked us as actors, said after many of our crazy jokes that if she has not turned crazy herself before, then our posse will surely do that (this was said in the best meaning as she really was entirely happy with us).

By the way, I already said that the place where the movie takes place is beautiful, but it is actually just mindblowing. Behind the ten hills and valleys, over the ten rivers, lies a fairytaleland. The so said asylum is actually a schoolhouse that resides in the old manorhouse. I must say that german landlords in Latvia were more richer or just wanted to show more of their power than the Estonian counterparts.. manor consisted at least three big houses with columned entrances, many smaller houses, great parks, and the place where we stayed overnight (about that later). The "asylum" was the mainhouse on the hill. In the valley below was the small lake (one of many around), and still in the middle of it a small island. The lake was also the important place in a movie. Nature was beautiful, weather was perfect, butterflies and dragonflies who were bigger than any I have seen ever before landed peacefully on the hand. I counted at least three different dragonfly species.

Oh, and you can't imagine the palace where we were housed. Probably this was the latest addition to manor as summer residence or something. A historicistic house somewhat reminding these cool english houses with little tower, unsymmetrical planning, great entrance hall, etc. Yep the entrance hall was greatest as it went through two floors and ended with dome of glass mosaic. Around it went the stairs up. First floor had marble pillars, second one the wooden. But the glass dome was not seen from the outside as there was also the third half-floor. All this house was filled with different old furniture. Even the view from the window of greater wc on the second floor was priceless, as there was also the park behind the house, then some woods and as it again was on the hill, then in the valley was another lake.

At first I was so sad that I didn't have photocamera with me, but saturday, after our scenes were taken, we were said, that we have to go there once more in a few days. This time I'll lend a camera from my friend.

Estonians know that Latvians have many jokes about us.. mostly about the recless or selfish or perhaps even poshy nature of ours, and Estonians often make jokes about Finnish, Russians and even Germans, but I had not heared any about Latvians.. now I did. And few even quite cruel.

For example: In old times Estonians thought that Latvians are bit weird,.. somewhat different. There was even a rumor that Latvians have six toes. But it figures they still have only five.. three in front and two in behind.

And friday, when we visited a shop there, it happened that after a while only one fairly new car came. Then one of our guys said: "Ah, these are then the wealthier Latvians". And the answer: "Yeah, look, they can even support two kids".

Still, do not think that Estonians are cruel. We just have weird humor.. and often we make it even upon ourselves. That said one more joke. For foreknowledge: Setu is one of the Estonian local populations, who are seen as clever and wise.. their region is even called Setu Kingdom. So the joke is as follows: Setu and a Jew is going court. What is the verdict? Prosecutor gets five years!

Well.. just can't stop with joking, but the next one was situational in front of that same shop. One of our cars needed the change of left rear tire. It not only showed how many men are needed to change one (Full pit), it still took so long that our car driver started explaining how everything in the world is normally done from the right side - cow is milked from the right, operations that are done through the nostril is done from right,.. sa perhaps they should have changed the tire too from the right side.

Only thing there that troubles me is that we get somewhat too little to eat. Stew is limited and when there is many actors and filmcrew then it is doubtable if I can request more. Anyway, if I'd eat so little in home, then probably I would soon be translucent. Too little meat stuff. Well at least saturday morning there were different porridges and enough of that, so I carried through the second day.

And finally at the saturday afternoon it was our turn to "go crazy". Director was happy with us, and so was the woman who organized us there. And one more time,.. it was lots of fun. Only really bad thing was that I hurt one of my fingers when playing rugby :P

One of other actors even would have offered me a part in theater play they are soon starting to do if I only would have been from Tartu (biggest small city in South-Estonia). Damn, I have so many friends in Tartu, and I really would like to move there.

So.. soon back to Latvia.. and then I bring some photos back with me.

As I alredy wrote I didn't go to Viljandi Folk

..but then again I was at the Viru Folk, that is less known. Don't even know if it is smaller anymore, but anyway, it is held at the smaller place - Käsmu. Käsmu is a beautiful village on the north coast of Estonia. Absolutely perfect place for such a festival. And as one of my relatives (I normally call him oncle) has a seamuseum there, and as I haven't been really anywhere this summer, haven't even got into the water yet, I decided that it would be good to go there and relax from the ordinary life at home.

Of course I went to Käsmu by hichhiking. Although I could have tried to go straight by smaller roads, I chose to go way round by Tallinn. I knew that hitching a car at the outskirts of Tallinn would be easier (but how easy that was.. about that soon). And I wanted to buy shorts and somekind of lightcoloured summer shirt. That's why I did that 50 km's round. First part from Aruküla to Tallinn was ordinary. Then bought needed things, and finaly set my steps to Lasnamäe (outer eastern part of the city). I was already walking the highway, but as still in the city where cars don't stop for hitchhikers, I walked on. Suddenly I heared a signal behind me. No, it wasn't anyone I know. There was a big black Dodge SUV (similar to those what are used in american movies for secret agencies), but from the front window I saw some young people to wave me. So I went by, and I couldn't have been more surprised - they asked if I'm going to Viru Folk. I have got on to car only moments after rising my hand, but it has never happened to me that a car stops before I even get to hitching. Moreover, Madis, Timo and Heili were my prime companions through these three following days. They were really friendly. When we got to Käsmu they even feed me with the salad Heili had made. Timo and Madis had guitars with them, so it was really good time singing with them, and Madis, as a guy who had roots in Saaremaa (that greatest of Estonian islands), had good share of humor too. They even asked me to go to Haapsalu with them a week later (that is today), where is August Blues Festival, but well, as weather is quite rainy and my cash is also getting out, and I still have six drawings to do for Kudrun, I will pass that.

These three days were perfect. All the people there was so friendly, and all the time it seemed that like we would have all the time in the world. I even didn't have to buy tickets to concerts as my uncle gave me the pass for the entire festival. So I got to see and hear much more good bands and musicians than I hoped. I even had lost hope to get to Kirtana Rasa's concert (one of my favourites and one of the prime reasons I even wanted to go there in the first place), as it was one of the few taking place indoors (and in the quite small hall too), and therefore only those who had the day or entire festival pass, get there. Again, lucky me! Kirtana Rasa was absolutely magical.. in both literaly, as some of their music is Indian raagas, which have healing and other powers.. and magical as these were just like fairytales. Their music was so beautiful that it brought shivers on my skin and a little tear into eye.

Another thing that I really wanted to see (and yes this time seeing was absolutely as essential as hearing,.. not that Kirtana Rasa would not have lost some of its magic when I would have just heared it from the CD), was the concert of Ichitaro - a Japanese drummer. It was unbelievable how fast and accurate his movements were. He didn't have a shirt, so every movement was seen in his muscles.. just amazing, not just but.. oh, I don't have words. When the concert ended, I went to personally thank him, meaning I got to use a little of my Japanese language (well I have forgotten most, I even couldn't say what's the clock in Japanese when he asked me that before the start of the concert). Ichitaro has been in Estonia already many summers, and he said that next year he is coming too.. so perhaps for the next year I re-learn it.

To others who don't know.. alittle strange fact. Probably you know how some cultural traits are tending to be present in the places that historically don't have absolutely nothing to do with eachothers. Like how similar are ancient Egypt and Mayans. Same way Estonians and Japanese have amazingly similar nature of people, some culture (for example ancient Japanese houses were more similar to Estonian ones than any of European, Russian or even Scandinavian ones.. for example, I don't remember exactly was it Japanese Emperor or some other important man, who visiting Estonian Open Air Museum where old peasant houses are preserved and old commons are introduced, got tears into his eyes and said that Estonians and Japanese must be somehow related), and Japanese Shinto belief is much closer to our animistic belief of forefathers than the Scandinavian polytheism, and as much as can be compared, Estonian warriors were as proud as Japanese ones,.. and japanese as many as I know, always feel almost like in home in Estonia, they learn our language more quickly than even Russians here, and when I learned japanese, I too felt some weird similarity to Estonian. Ok, that's that.

Back to Folk then. Then there were these nightclub parties in first of which Kudrun's boyfriend Martin was the DJ. Especially his party was total success.. house was filled with dancers, and he too got personal thanks from few, one even got his contacts to call him to some other party to play. I have yet much to learn about DJ work.. soon I go to visit them in Tartu, then I let Martin to give me some pointers.

Second night was somewhat more boring. For some reason, most people was outside on the balcony. Heh.. most time even I (singed with my new friends). Well, for some time I went to dance too, but certainly less than in the previous night.. in the first party I danced all the time. Unlike most others, I don't fear going straight to the dancefloor and dance even alone. I even like so.. I like not to ask a girl to dance.. at least not at once. I like to make girls to desire me first, to lure them to me, to see which one of them is confident enough to get acquinted with me. And that is how it went. At one time I decided to go out to breth some air too, when suddenly one really pretty and energetic girl took from my hand and said: "don't go away". Now she's in my head, and damn.. I don't even remember her name. Only thing I know that she learned German in the same university as me. Ok.. in some sense it is relief that she disappeared, as I still feel that my secret crush is too strong to fall for any other girl.

After the party the sun was rising and at the beach everything seemed perfect (should count how many times I have already used that word). Now it truely felt like time has stopped, because there was not even the slightest windbreeze and therefore also the sea was like mirror. 5 o'clock in the morning I went to swimm and when I got to the tent I still couldn't sleep. So I found that behind the museumhouse, there was really early lecture about the history of Käsmu and the nature around. By the way every morning there were some lectures. Second morning I listened lecture about the swords, the history of Estonian warrior culture, and the alternate cultural aspects and importance of the swords.

Päivä on nuori niin kuin vastasyntynyt. (Raapana - Finnish great reggae wisdom)

(meaning: The day is young as a newborn child)

Still I got few hours sleep on every morning, and although in the evening I had to drink wine with lots of coffe to not to fall asleep (remember, remember this formula; normaly I don't even drink coffee, but coffee and sweet red wine together are really good), I was all the time quite full of energy and good feelings.

Oh, and I met two new relatives.. in both cases in a pretty weird circumstances. No more comments on that. And I ate even raw fish with sour cream, sweet garlic, tomatos and potatoes.. of which the raw fish is normally absolutely off limits for me. So, only thing left undone was the conquering of viking longboat that sailed around the bay there.

Until the next hitchhiking trip!

Love you all!

What makes it tick!

Few days ago Kudrun told me that she saw me in her dream. I was introducing my girlfriend whom I don't actually have. Kudrun said she was a real sweathart and pretty one too with her short curly hair. That made me say that this is quite unlikely. Of course the outlook isn't the only and even not the most important thing about girls, yet I must say that I certainly look more girls with long hair. And moreover.. I'm actually really picky. So I said to Kudrun that I write here everything I can think of my ideal girl, that next time Kudrun may see her in dream. Oh, and Kudrun said that this girl spoke latvian. I guess I must be careful when I go there soon.

Ok, but here's the list of features I would like my girl to have. Take it with little humor.

1. She should have long hair; at least to the shoulders. Although I have liked some blonds too I prefer darker shades from light brown to red (especially natural) to black. And I do like curly hair.

2. She must not smoke.

3. She should be expressive and have positive view of the world.

4. She doesn't have to be so interested of art, but must understand the importance of the culture, and should understand my love for the art.

5. Should have nice slim body and the height aproximately as mine. And I prefer pale skin. Small and tender. Broadly speaking, she should be feminine and act like a lady.

6. Should possess the art of flirting and caressing.

7. Should have good sense of humor.

8. Should have pretty smile and starlight in her eyes (as these are the things I fall first when I see someone).

9. Believes into love and she must be sure that she loves me.

10. She should be intelligent and preferably gone to university.

11. Not too decked (well it means she should have a good sense of taste).

12. Honest and straightforward.

13. It will be a good bonus if she'd have a vivid fantasy.

14. Should have a developed soul.

15. Should not get jealous because of almost nothing.

16. I don't like the lack of depth and affectation.

17. She should be even tempered; certainly not apathic and when in front of problems she should want to seek for solution, not to give up. Should not tend to prejudices.

18. Souldn't be a maniacal organiser.

19. Can't be negligent.. should care about herself, the home and even world around.

20. Shouldn't be too pragmatic.

21. Don't talk lisp with children.

22. Should speak good english, and bonus would be if she would speak french (I really would like if she'd speak some words of love in french to my ear sometimes.. oh, old memories). No need for latvian.

23. Enjoys both peaceful, quiet nights and active social time.

24. Should have some courage.

25. Unlike many men, I prefer small tits with small nipples.

26. Should be openminded and although I like when people have their beliefs, she should also respect my freedom to believe what I believe.

27. Should be tolerant to different people.

28. Should stand for conservation of nature and sparing economy.

29. Should be reverent to both classical and modern (clothing, music, interior design, etc.)

30. TV should not be the prime entertainment.

31. Should understand the concept of teamwork.

32. Drivers licens would be good, but still she should like to walk and ride a bicycle.

33. Understands that I have friends and my own hobbies too; and she should not wait for only me to organise some nice time together with her.

34. There just must be synergy between us.

35. I like freckles ;)

Actually I even know one or two girls who kind of have at least most of these qualities.. and I really like these girls, but don't get exited, even if I have a secret crush for them, it possibly stays so. Although I long for love, I don't think that i'm meant for such relationship. First of all,.. I don't like sex very much (of course I love the beauty of the women, their form of the body, to touch the skin, but simply don't get much from the act of sex).. and what kind of girl would want such a guy, because as I have understood, girl wants that her partner would feel good too. I'm more of a person of the feelings not deeds. And of course.. I don't have almost any money right now.. and how ever you would calculate a relationship demands some.. even simple one-nightey demands some dough. Anyway.. most of my life I have avoided getting too close with someone, but I can say that it's hard.

The one after the last

It was already 28 years ago when I was born. Or was it that long time ago. Just twenty eight, or twenty eight the damn forever - when was that. This year I have had many days when time runs exactly at the right pace.. how I like. Yet not all the time. Last year time run too fast, I think. Some fast going years, some really slow going.. so how long ago it was.. my birth, I mean? 28 spins around the Sun. At this day it seems like forever, but it's clear that I haven't been forever. How should I know how much time I have been in this form. If twenty eight years would be so same amount for us, then I should also have some insight how much time it takes for me to get 56 years old. As much more as I already have lived. Same much more these short or long years, months and days, that all are composed of seconds.. and seconds you can easily count: one, two, three.. That is how easily we can feel the pace of time, but never understand or remember it. 28 years - I know that concept, yet even after living through that time I don't know exactly what it means.

***
It was the time of folksong festival in Estonia.. Sadly, I wasn't there (at Viljandi where it was held). In the beginning of weekend we went to Tallinn to play pool with friends.. just a good social time. Pool is simple enjoyment, friends are basically ordinary.. what I like most about these kinds of rides is that these almost all the time end at the night times. Well, I'm the night person. I like the night already because of the night sky, the feeling at night, and that peacefulness (not silence itself.. but night is when people normally don't work.. they unwind). I love the city at night, I'm fascinated to watch different people.. yet at night it feels even better. At nights people are more free, more social. We saw some pretty weird kinds.. few really talkative girls, some guys who liked to buy night snack in underwear, etc.
Yesterday, one of my earliest friends came back to home for a while after working in Norway. So I went to see him too. And today I read the blog of two guys who already have traveled to India by land, and once more to Iran.. and been to north-western Africa. When still in Europe (in these old soviet states Ukraine and Moldova) they already had so much trouble that they really scared the shit out of me about any official who can extort something from travelers so easily. Of course I haven't planned to go through these countries.. if I even can get so far as starting my voyage.
Huh.. I'm quite tired tonight.. so I think I go to sleep now. Peace and love!

SOCA - Summer Outdoors Chillin' Atmosphere

It was my birthday again, and again a day before me was birthday of my very good friend. Actually at 16th it was birthday of Max, at 17th Martin's, at 18th mine, and at 19th of Ats' girlfriend, who all were celebrating it at Martin's grandma's place. Really fantastic site - green and cozy.. and when we add the sunny weather that is always definite at the time of the birthdays of me and Martin (guess we have some really good friends among the higher powers), then there is almost nothing that can ruin the mood. Well yeah, Max had problems with his girlfriend (now possibly ex-girlfriend) that troubled me littlebit.

I went to Kiviloo (the place where Martin's grandmother lives) earlier than other our friends,.. helped with things and just enjoyed the peace there, started reading the final book of the Lian Hearn's "Tales of the Otori" and enjoyed the really good company of Martin's relatives. They show me a family of seven or eight hedgehogs living under one of the bushes in the garden. One of Martin's relatives had printed a page of information about hedgehogs.. so we took it all through. Did you know, hedgehogs have 16000 thorns. It just made me wonder if they all have exactly 16000 or are there some +/- versions too.

These hedgehogs were not only little cuties who got attention. There was extremely beautiful and tidy cat who, as Martin said had wandered off from his real home and ended up here.. without any sign of intentions to leave. He had really cool pattern with somewhat leopard-like dots at the sides and zig-zaging thin stripes over his back and head. Tail was mainly onecoloured but ended with light orangeish brown stripes. I asked Martin what is the cat's name and he said that he calls him Puma. Yet at one point one of our friends called the littleguy a Lynx (Ilves in estonian), from what I finally got his new name, Toomas Hendrik Ilves (To those who don't know, our Estonian president has aforementioned name too).

I hadn't partied for a while now.. as I still don't have a real job, it's understandable. So we basically stayed up whole night, but for the reason to test the tent, I slept for four hours in the morning. Tent is very simple, easily put up in about a minut. But I fear it won't hold rain. Well, testing the tent was important because in october I hope to start my journey to India, and that by the land either by hitchhiking or by bicycle.. with only some parts of Iran and Pakistan by trains or busses. Although plan is pretty much thought out already, the fact that I'd need quite a sum of cash too, is somewhat breaking the dream. For now I have a little illustrating gig for Kudrun's book about Estonia, and a really more of a hobby thing as an actor in one of upcoming commercial shooting in Latvia. But I'd need at least two months job with fine or even good salary.. and october is coming so fast. The reason why I want to go in october is because this is the utmost best time to travel through Europe before the cold (and hopefully it doesn't rain so much either), and get to Mid-East just as the weather gets fine for travel there. If I'd get to Pakistan-India area in december it should be perfect as monsoon season should just be over then. At least my mood is good for a change and I'm at the peak of strong will. I don't even know what I would do in India, but I guess if I have strong belief then probably I will survive. And for sure I'd like to meet some friends out there around the world.. and of course I would like to find many new friends too.

But what more to say about the birthday?! Oh, the (ex)girlfriend of Max didn't want to believe that i'm already 28. At first she thought that I'm joking.. then she asked me to look into her eyes and say it again. In contrary to my own view lately, she said that I'm looking well younger.. what is good. Heh, my granny told about one of the earliest guys with whom her other daughter (not my mum) met. This guy was as they say, a babyface.. really looking younger, having reddish glow on his face.. such a favourite for many gyals. But he tried to learn to smoke. Granny asked then, why he so much wants to learn to smoke.. is it something to be more cool or something. He then answered that he wants to look older. That made me laugh with the feeling of sadnes for this dumbass who is not happy with the young prettyboy look.

Even the celebration at home with family was ok.. better than last year. Didn't feel wrong somehow, even though I don't have so good relations with them lately. Mum even made her own baked cake which is rare thing.

Ok.. I think that I'm gonna read the book now.. yes the same earlier mentioned Otori one. Really, it's one of my favorites.. semihistoric story with some features of fiction and fantasy taking place in the medieval Japanesque land. Ok, there is not much of the real history, but depiction of things, conditions, people and their manners and habits, their nature is well following the real history. As the writer is women, it still even after four books really amazes me how well she writes through the eyes of a man, how well she knows the tactics of war, and how perfectly she depicts the war itself and the managing it between the battles. Now, don't think that this book is some bloody war story.. no actually this is the story of great love, honor and friendship with much more attention on human soul than anything I've read before. With the four earlier books I have really felt such strong feelings for the characters like only the "All quiet on Western Front" have made me feel.

Ok, so.. I'll finish here. Be good my friends!

That's how they did it in the old times.. well, almost

This piece I call Settecento, what means 18th century for Italian. In arthistory it is common to name artperiods with such Italian words for corresponding centuries. This digital painting got such name from me because when in university I started studying French and in one lesson we had to tell our birth years and dates, then one co-student made a joke about me being born in 18th century (probably because of my hairstyle and pale skin). And although I was really born in 1981 and everyone knows it, this "belief" got widely spread.. and I too liked the idea. So this got to be a theme for my selfportrait.. a classicistic painting with some features of soon coming romanticism period. So this is the result.. a selfportrait over what I'm really proud.


Other than that.. I have had many themes in my head on what to write, but for some reason didn't do that. My summer will be filled with painting, searching for job, little bicycle trips few days in length around Estonia and preparing for possible bigger voyage in autumn if I don't find any rason to stay in homeland.. but I hope that in between there somewhere I take some time to blog too. Oh and I plan to start writing a book too, yet this may take as long as ever.. I have nowhere to hurry with that.

An old piece

fight for life

fight for dreams

fight for light

fight to see

do not kill

fight by other means

fight for free will

fight for me

fight for survival

fight for salvation

death and denial

greed and betrayal

fight for sunshine

fight to love

gather your strength

and choose the righteous war

fight for the music

fight for truth

fight not to lose it

fight for youth

fight for humanity

fight for naturality

change slavery to liberty

fight is only way to immortality

rasta against greenweed's illegality

religion versus materiality

everyone has own delight

everyone has own fight

28 times more i say

fight

fight for your...

Pärast pimedat talve

To live is like to love.. all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it – Samuel Butler

Uskumatu küll, aga töö puudumine, majanduskriis ja oma vanematest sõltumine toovad endaga kaasa tõsise tuju languse. No mis nii uskumatu, aga isegi mina, kes ma usun vähese raha ja vähese töö tegemise kasulikkusesse, leidsin ennast minule täiesti mitteomasest negatiivsete tunnete puntrast. Ununes missioon maailma muuta, kadus teotahe, tekkisid viha ja masendus. Kõik hea justkui kadus mu peast kuhugile. Veel enamgi, kõige selle jama kohapealt tekkis justkui pimedus - midagi ei osanud enam ette võtta. Ma küll ise tundsin ju kogu aeg, et asjad on valesti jaminu mõtlemine on erinev sellest, millesse ma tegelikult usun ja ma isegi teadsin ju ka oma varasemaid nägemusi, aga miskipärast need enam ei kehtinud. Justkui täielikult ununes, et ma ise olen enda mõtlemise peremees ning ma ise loon tahtejõudu. Need ei tulene millegist välisest, mis järsku võiks väheneda või ära kaduda. Ma polnud juba kaua mõelnud, et elu on kõik crap ja seda poleks üldse vaja. Seda enam tundub see jõhkralt irooniline, et sügisel ma ju kirjutasin sellest, kuidas noortel elutahe kaob.

Õnneks tuli nüüd kevad ja koos päikesega tõusis horisondi tagant ka minu tuju. Mitte iga aasta talvel ei ole ma niimoodi masenduses, kuid aktiivsus väheneb küll ja veidi melanhoolsemaks muutun vast ka. Sel aastal oli aga asi hullem ja tuleb tunnistada, et selle põhjuseks ongi, et talveperiood ühtis probleemidega tööd leida. Aga miks see nii laastavalt mõjub, kui ma vähese rahaga harjunud olen? See on ju täiesti loomulik, et võimetus tööd saada hoolimata, et mul on hea kõrgharidus ja, et ma selle nimel ebanormaalselt palju "võimlen" ning ennast, oma põhimõtteid ohvriks toon, alandab selgelt enesehinnangut. Siiski on asjal ka puht majanduslik külg. Terve ülikooli aja olin ma pärast selle lõpetamist endale oma kodu luua ja nüüd järsku pidi tõdema, et mida ma ka ei proovi, ei taha see teoks saada. Siis avastad järgmiseks, et kriis aina süveneb. Isegi kui olen nii vähe nõudlik kui üldse saab, siis sõpradega tahaks ikka kokku saada, käia kunstinäitusel või pelmeenikohvikus, vahel väikese veini juua, võtta üle pika aja osa mõnest mõnusast reggae peost. Aga ühel hetkel pole isegi selleks võimalust. Siis tundub, et ilma rahata ei ole sa enam midagi väärt. Sul pole võimalik teha seda, mida su sõbrad sindkutsuvad tegema. Päris häbi ei teki, aga endast hakkab hale, kui teistega kokku saada. Vaikselt areneb isiklik väike sotsiaalne kriis. Vägisi tekib mõte, et sellisena pole sind kellegile vaja, sest sa oled pidur, oled igav ja tülikas oma muredega.

Ega ma pole tegelikult ikka veel tööd saanud ja raha hetkel peaaegu pole, tehes mind täielikult sõltuvaks vanematest. Seda hullem, et nende arust on kõik minu enda viga ja seepärast pidevalt vingutakse ka veel mu kallal. Aga nagu ma ütlesin, on inimese tahe ja emotsioonid pigem omavahel seotud, mitte seotud majandusliku olukorra või kindla kohaga maailmas. Selle tahte peadki siis kusagilt enda seest peidust üles leidma ning kasutama seda mõtlemisvõime, aktiivsuse ja positiivsemate emotsioonide taasleidmiseks. Sealt edasi võib elu küll olla endiselt raske, kuid vähemalt väärtuslik. Ma olen võitleja.

Tööturu kriisist veel nii palju, et veidi aega tagasi vaatasi jälle "Foorumit", kus oli teemaks loomulikult majanduslangus ja otsiti võimalusi sellest edukalt välja tulekuks. Külalisteks olid erinevad kõvad majandustegijad ja targad mehed majandus kõrgkoolidest. Kuigi tavalise selles saates areneva kõva vaidluse asemel, näitasid need mehed väga head üksmeelset arvamust ja loogilise arendusega diskussiooni, oli minu jaoks nende mõtetes mitu küsitavat kohta. Neid ma siin välja tooksingi.

Minu jaoks oli eriti häiriv ütlus selle kohta, et ümberõpe ja suur tööjõu ringlus on täiesti normaalne. Nojah, majandusele tähendab see jõudu, aga kas keegi ka inimfaktorile mõtleb. Jällegi tuleks siinkohal korrata, et mitte inimene ei peaks olema süsteemi jaoks vaid süsteem inimese jaoks. Kui peetakse normaalseks, et üks inimene ei peagi kaua sama töö peal olema, vaid pidevalt ootamatuid vallandamisi ja koondamisi ning nendega kaasas käivaid individuaalseid probleeme trotsides pidevalt uut tööd otsima. Vahepeal veel lisaks pidevalt uusi ja uusi erialasid õppima, et kinni püüda mõni tööots, millest sa kunagi unistanud pole, millega sul pole mingit ühendust ja kus seepärast ülemused pidevalt sinu väikese entusiasmi kohta märkusi teevad. Selle inimese jaoks tähendaks see seda, et tema elus ei ole mingit stabiilsust. Vähe sellest, et kahaneb ta majanduslik kindlus, ka ükski pank ei taha sulle laenu anda (mitte, et see üldse eriti hea oleks), sest sa pidevalt reisid ühest töökohast teise, saad väikest palka, aga kõige hullem on see, et taoline elu viib väga kergesti stressi ning väärtushinnangute kriisini. Inimene peaks pidevalt juurde õppima, kuid kas on tal selleks kriitilist sundust vaja. Arvate, et kui pidevalt uut juurde õppida, siis peaks ju arvamus enesest tõusma ja profesionaalsus suurenema. Jah, idealistlikus pildis küll, kuid kui siis ikkagi ei saa oma töös ja elus kindel olla, siis tekib inimesel hoopis arusaam, et ma olen tark, aktiivne ja veel kümmet eri moodi hea tegija, kuid tegelikkuses ei huvita see kedagi. Tegelikkuses olen ma lihtsalt võimuliinide ja/või korporatiivsete juhtkondade mängukann. Ja siis imestatakse, et miks on paljudel oma ülemuste või eksülemuste vastu viha ning rahulolematus kogu süsteemi suhtes.

Teiseks.. riigis, kus juba varakult, võibolla isegi enne kogu ametliku hariduskaruselli algust, kindlalt aga juba algkoolis, üritatakse meile selgeks teha, et meie jaoks on kõik võimalused avatud ning meil on õigus ennast arendada just meie enda soovide ning loomupäraste eelduste järgi. Vähemasti mind nii õpetati ja üldiselt see oleks ka normaalne, sest inimene ei saa ennast motiveerida tegelema millegiga, milleks tal pole ei huvisid ega eeldusi. Töö juures on ju aga motivatsioon väga tähtis. Kõvast rahapatakast aga ei piisa ja nii kui nii ka palkasid pidevalt nüüd vähendatakse, võetakse vähemaks kõiksuguseid soodustusi ning motiveerivat ei ole enam kuskilt otsast näha.

Mina, kes ma pärinen suguvõsast, kus kunstiga tegelevaid inimesi on palju, olen juba sünnipäraselt huvitatud kultuurist ja selle arendamisest. See on mul geenides. Nüüd olen ma magistrikraadiga kunstiõpetaja haridusega noormees, kellel pole juba pea terve aasta tööd olnud. Aga ma tean, et miski, mis jääks väljapoole kunsti, kultuuri, filmitööstust, haridust, disaini ja ütleme ka reklaami ning mõne huviala järgi veel lisaks ehk ajalugu ja poliitikat, siis nende asjadega ei saaks ma hakkama ega oleks kunagi rahul enda eluga, mis mingi suvalise töö ümber oleks ehitatud. Ma olen küll väga laialdaste huvidega, aga siiski tundub piir peal olevat. Inimene peab küll pidevalt edasi arenema, kuid seda ikka selles valdkonnas, kuhu kuulub tema süda. See annab inimesele jõudu, kui ta saab öelda, et selle ala olen ma endale leidnud ja valinud, see mulle meeldib, seda teen ma hästi ja seepärast olen ma hinnatud.

Need majandusanalüütikud tõid ühiskonna eduka juhtimise kohta näite, et maailma suurimate ja võimsaimate majandustega riikide valitsused koosnevad enamasti juura ja majandusala asjatundjatest. Mul tekkis seepeale küll küsimus, et kui palju tunneb siis vastavalt üks või teine spetsialist haridust, tervishoidu, reaalpoliitikat näiteks välissuhetes, kultuuri või ausalt öeldes ükskõik millist nende otsese elualaga seotud sfääri vajadusi. Veel enam, mis saaks sellisel juhul isiku vabadustest. Kas saaks tõesti teoks kord, kus kõik on numbrite ja paragraafide järgi just süsteemi efektiivsuse jaoks korraldatud. Kui süsteem muuta sel viisil efektiivsemaks, siis kujutage ette, kui jõhker oleks otsustav kogu ja täideviiv võim. Nende suurte majandusriikide puhul saabki ju tuua hulga näiteid, kuidas piiratakse eraisiku vabadusi, kuidas vabadused on puhtalt formaalsus paberil ning kuidas tegelik võim on kas salaluure ja eliidi tipu või suurkorporatsioonide käes, kes teeb kõik, et mingil muttril poleks vähimatki võimalust midagi tegelikult muuta.

Hea küll, ma saan ju loomulikult aru, et mitte kõikide lapsepõlve roosad unistused parimast tööst ei lähe täide. Lihtsalt ei ole nii palju tellimust mõningate erialade töötajate järele, kui meie enda eelduste ja huvide põhjal tahaksime loota. Kuid see ei tähenda, et saaks normaalseks pidada olukorda, kus kodanik ei saa kuidagi oma ametiposti säilimises kindel olla või ka sellega, et hoolimata vähesele reaalsele tellimusele teatud eriala inimeste järele, käib ometi nende tööliste koolitamine täiel jõul edasi. Samal ajal toimub valitsuses aga vägikaikavedu ja suur sõnelus, et kuidas keegi midagi paremaks teeks. Ometi pole tulemusi näha. Juba tükk aega on meie riik tegelikult valitsemise ja haldamise seisukohalt olnud peaaegu paigalseisus. Arenevas riigis peaks aga ka juhtimissüsteemid arenema. Mina näiteks olen viimasel ajal hakanud nägema otsese demokraatia eeliseid ning üritanud leida tõsist põhjust, miks me ei võiks Belgia eeskujul sellise tasemeni oma riigisüsteeme arendada. Sellest aga ehk järgmises postituses.

The Bothersome Kings

I was at some great art exhibition. There were countless rooms filled with the works of different artists. Some artists were even present to introduce their creations. Some others were part of their artworks.
Most of the people took their time to walk and watch the art in that gigantic gallery, but not me. I rode my bicycle through there without paying attention to anything really well. At one point I came down to a video installation named “The Bothersome Kings”. That got my interest. Around the central video screen were placed posh and antique coaches, creating full square. Video itself didn’t interest me so much. It was kind of bizarre and unrelated pictures with static between them. Audio was also weird reading of series of facts which together created quite pointless story. At least that was my impression. I believe it may have had some kind symbolic meaning, but I certainly was more hit by the coaches and the name of the artwork.
I lifted my bike partly on one of these sofas and started explaining the meaning of this artwork to other viewers. I was so confident and had face like I’d be someone really important. But then i was intervened by one of the artists. He was the one who did most of the practical work with it, realizing the concept of another, a female artist. He tried to explain me that it’s not really right what I’m saying, and that his colleague and co-author knows everything about that piece and can explain it much better. Other artist started talking about their art, but then in turn I intervened her, saying: “No, you are all wrong about it. It has deeper, hidden meaning and possibly you had subconscious reasons for creating it.” Moreover, i said that I as a visitor of this exposition, am client, and client is always a king. King is always right. I have all the right to construct my own concept of it and to tell it to others as absolute truth. After that I started to acquire more and more characteristics and behavior that of a self-centered, tyrant king with absolute power. I even started to execute other visitors whom i simply didn’t like. So, unnoticed to myself i became the part of this artwork. I corroborated why it was named so. I turned into one of these bothersome kings.
This dream gave me good idea that perhaps i should make artwork of my own with the same name and meaning. Probably i would be first artist too, who has to mark out that it was done in co-operation with two other artist, whose names i sadly don’t know, because they are just dream characters. Still, i don’t think that i would copy that piece exactly. It’s just that i don’t like installations much, yet if I’d not come up with better realization and would make that kind of videoinstalletion better than in the dream, i would be even satisfied with that.

21. detsember

Kas teie teate, kust tuleb eesti keelde sõna jõulud? Algselt ei olnud jõulu pühitsemine üldse seotud kristlusega. Tähistati hoopis talvist pööripäeva, valguse taaskordset võitu pimeduse üle, nagu enamikes paganlikes Põhja-Euroopa maades. Arvatakse, et algselt oli see germaanide tähtpäev, mis levis kogu põhjalas, keltide hulgas ja Briti saarter. Tänapäevane inglise keelne nimetus Yule (Näete sarnasust?) tulenevat vana inglise keelsetest sõnadest geōl ja geōla. Viimased aga on omakorda seotud vana põhjala sõnaga Jōl. Nende tähendusi ei ole päris täpselt osatud seletada, kuid arvatakse, et terminit kasutati maagia või palvepüha tähistamiseks. Teine võimalus on, et sõna tuleneb vana põhjala keelsest sõnast hjól (ratas, ring.. aastaring).

Praegusest jõuludest erines see paganlik püha aga mitmeti. Ka kuupäev on nüüdseks muudetud. Tegelikult pühitseti aasta ringi täis saamist ja uue algust hilisest detsembrist kuni jaanuari esimese pooleni. Siiski tuleks ära märkida, et tegelik pööripäev on olenevalt kalendrilistest erinevustest 20. ja 23. detsembri vahel, kuid enamasti oli pidustuste ja tseremooniate haripunktiks 21. detsember. Germaani kalender aga märkis selleks 25. detsembri.

Iidsed rahvad tegelesid põllu harimise, karja kasvatamise ja jahindusega, veetes suure osa oma ajast õues. Viimane oli talveti kahtlemata väga oluline toidu allikas. Aastaaeg ja ilm mängisid väga olulist rolli nende elus. Põhjala rahvad nägid päikest kui ratast, mis vahetas aastaaegasid. Seepärast pühitseti nii talve, suve kui ka kevad ja sügisest pööripäeva, sest need märkisid nende aastastes tegemistes olulisi muutusi. Kui paljudel pidustustel oli lõketel tähtis koht, siis talvisel pööripäeval võib öelda, et veel eriti. Sümboolselt pidi aasta kõige pikemal ööl tuli põlema kogu pimeda aja. Arvati isegi, et inimeste süüdatud lõkkevalgused aitavadki valguse taas võidule.

Erinevates paikades olid talvise pööripäeva tähistamiseks erinevad traditsioonid. Põhjalas nimetatakse lisaks lõkete tegemisele, lugude rääkimist ja magusa õlle joomist. Põhja-Euroopa traditsiooniks on ka õlgedest kitse või soku kuju valmistamine (oli traditsiooniks ka Eestis), mis algselt oli küll tava kits ohverdada. Germaanidel ja ka Skandinaavias oli tavaks valmistada pööripäevaks seapraadi (Rootsis näiteks tänase päevani traditsionaalne jõulutoit just see). Keltidel oli tavaks tammepuu puuvõõriku lõikamine ja selle kinkimine enda lähedastele õnnistuseks. Lääne-Euroopas põletati lõkke asemel üht eriti suurt puuhalgu või lõiku tüvest. Mitmel pool oli tavaks ka ukselt uksele käia laulmas, et andamit saada (nagu me teame tänapäeval Mardi- ja Kadripäeva traditsiooniks olevat). Vanasti oli ka see traditsioon aga mitmetel erinevatel pühadel. Seega viimasest on välja arenenud tänapäevane traditsioon kinke teha, mille lunastamiseks luuletust või laulu esitatakse. Lõpetuseks veel fakt sellest, et paganlik pööripäeva tähistamine tähendas parajat pummelungi. Tõsteti tooste jumalatele, kuningatele, kadunud kaaslastele ja kõiksugustel muudel võimalikel põhjustel. Niipalju siis rahulikest jõuludest. Ja siis lauldi jälle.

Ahjaa.. kui olete täna juhtumisi uudiseid näinud, siis panite kindlasti tähele, et ka juutide Hanuka ühtib talvise pööripäevaga.