COLOURS

I add some photos that show how many blooms, and therefore how many colours Africa has. Of course blooms are not the only things colourful. Houses painted with different colours, thousands of colourful signs that actually doesn't even seem to fill their purpose, as there are so many, it is amazingly hard to find what you are looking, painted small busses with neonlights, etc. But flowers then.

Tis time for Africa

Probably you would ask what did I see in Kenya, where did I travel, what was Africa like? Well, for one I must say that from our group I think I saw least of those great African animals. I didn't go to national parks when others went (except Kakamega rainforest about what I already have wrote here). National parks are very expensive and truth to be said I wasn't so much interested of going to these stupid safaris where you drive in a car and make photos. I wasn't much interested of these animals who were gathered to these parks to make human civilization room to grow. This is not real Africa in these parks.. not anymore.Animals I saw had to be free. There was of course also some wildernesses where I saw some, but it actually kind of makes me sad to see documentaries about Africa, where it seems that these animals have endless fields to run. Yes in Tanzania national parks and reserves are very big, but still. Before going there I always thought that animal migrations are extremely epic through countries towards the water, but it is impossible. But seeing any animal wasn't my greatest interest anyway. I don't care about them. Africa is much more, exactly like Estonia isn't just wolves and bears that are nowdays so rare elsewhere in most of the Europe. Seeing some animals was more like a nice sidesight. But even in nature I was more excited to visit different parts of the country, see different climate, landforms, that wonder how diverse can one country be: palmbeaches, really immense fields with weird yet mighty baobab trees, rift valley about what ETV is showing a documentary now (this satuday last part will be shown), middle plateau with acacia "forests" and also greatest population, highlands that are in some way like places here with cunifer trees, yet along these are still also palms, cactuses, acacias, aloes etc.. and lots of blooms everywhere.. and of course northern drylands, deserts or half deserts with only sand, thorned bushes and cactuses. And what was best, for a boy from such flatland as Estonia, of course high hills and mountains. Even small hills with cliffs that when you climb them, don't seem so small anymore at all. I adore these hills and mountains. They can even cause certain optical illusions. And what sights when you reach the top. Sometimes on top I thought about the first men on these wild lands. It is a wonderful world there, true wonder of nature. But even this without humans and different social and cultural experiences wouldn't have been what I was looking for. Well, sometimes my heart have desired to travel to some place of the world still untouched by humans or at least with very primitive cultures, but actually already Kenya gave me good enough feeling of different world where nature is not same as here and neither is human civilization. Over time I have grown tired of this shit in Europe, and even if shit is everywhere, then I liked Kenya as it was different. More than this, there I felt something that said - feel everything around you, don't worry, be at peace and be rested. There really is something extremely calming. I can't say that it wouldn't be crazy, totally crazy world, with lots of noise, lots of interaction, weird human behaviour, but still somehow it relaxes you. Even most cruelest fate, most painful events can't ruin it. Ok, and anyway I knew that I will not find exactly a paradise there. I knew that instead of freely roaming elephants I see poor people, problems with country's infrastructure and such other things. I already tuned my mind to it before going and therefore I wasn't disappointed about anything. And really, ethno-cultural and modern-cultural exploration can be as interesting as exploring the wild. Not to mention simple socializing with local people.

Most of our group basically avoided big cities and didn't like Eldoret much either. I actually liked cities with all their good and bad sides. Places with different size and places in different sides of the country are again so marvelously diverse. Getting to know the life in cities, towns and also villages, that is what I call direct contact with the country and its people. That is how you really live into the strange culture. Imagine being in a big city like Mombasa all alone, away from everyone you know and even not have any contact with any other white peole, talk with locals, go to have a lunch with three moslem man to their house simply by letting off all your fears, trusting them as it is only way you can experience such things, this is worth of living. Or riding a motorbike through real ghetto town at night and listening rap music from their own radio.. living in rural areas in farmhouses made of branches, clay and mud (but about these experiences more specifically some other time), these things you never forget. Even going to clubs, shops or market at the other side of the world has greater value for me than making elephant tour. Not because of buying, but again because of simply jumping into the middle of local population, getting to know their commons, language, everything. I'm certainly more of an experimenting scientist than one who looks for fossils and imagines the past. I'm more of an artist who has to do everything by himself and touch things with his own hand than simple admirer of masterpieces that are shown to the people. Last of course literally.

Of course that kind of plunging into the unknown has great risks and sooner or later you have also understanding of the bad side of the same wonderland, but this is complete picture. Without pain there is actually no gain. Of course I got robbed four times and the first one was in the fourth day of my stay there. I saw a horrible traffic accident and people's reaction that was extremely hard to tolerate.. so terrible was that. And view of the victim - I was basically silent for the reminder of the day. I felt the stress that comes if nothing is as should be, when even emergency workers are corrupt and amazingly slow. I felt great pain because of lost love, I felt cheated, but maybe I cheated myself. I had to tolerate importunate streetkids who want money only to buy glue to sniff, prostitutes and other people who try to use you any way as they can. You will be lied so much that you really start to question the worth of this culture at some time. But when you survive the bad, you emerge stronger and smarter.. and you have tales to write to books or tell to your grandchildren. Bad things are just inseparable part of everything. You have to learn about both good and bad to respect the whole. If you truelly want to learn about culture then jump into it and learn to deal with everything and anything that may happen. Of course I would suggest that you acquire as much knowledge of things that may await you, otherwise you really may come to be a victim yourself, but then again never think that you are ever ready and knowing everything. Even when you are prepared, it just reduces the blow and helps you rise again if you have mind that doesn't crack just in first unfortunate thing you come to experience. Don't ever let one sided things to ruin your view of that country or people. When you fall to the stress because of missing your home or because of weirdnesses of that place (people being late all the time for example), then think about it, this is adventure and adventure are never supposed to be easy. Just be strong. And after a while you get used to it, things are not bothering anymore, you find ways how to avoid bad experiences, and maybe finally you come to like or love this place like I did. Maybe I will die because of that kind of foolhardiness at some day, but I just don't find any other way to get what I need. Maybe you didn't know, but I'm actually also adrenaline junky.

Yes, I risked a lot, with my healt, with my life, material security and psychological balance, and I fucking like what came out of it. I found much more in Africa than I knew I was even looking for. I don't know how much I'm now a changed man, but at least I got lots of new ideas. I even want to change my life basically 180 degrees. Ok, we'll see what comes out of that. I think I found out for myself what is a human and I found new pieces of my own soul. I guess I'm changed, if not so clearly for others then anyway for myself.

When I said that I probably traveled least of our group, then again I traveled alone I think much more than others. This is actually how it should be done. Kind of only way to find out the true face and essence of the place and people. Or at least be only one in the group of local friends. When you are with your local friends, then other people look much more to you as a local too. They really even take less notice of you or when it is natural then they socialize with you as never would happen when you go around with white group. Of course it will also come to be possible over time, as you can't find true friends and good people with only couple of weeks. Well, maybe you shouldn't go to slums alone and return from there in the darkness like I did (as this is actually really crazy thing to do), then certainly don't limit yourself with what your travel companions want and decide to do or by following the warnings of every travel guide. Local contacts and friends.. and even lovers if you wish, are best things you can get in foreign country. If you are lucky, they show you places where tourists never ever get to go, dare to go or know to go. Sometimes even such special places about what most local population don't know.. some little wonderous secrets. Then you are really blessed. I was.

Just to give some head on, I will write about some certain experiences separately and add some photos, although with photos is that problem that I must make a selection from 20 dvd's.. we went crazy:D

Face of Africa

Ok.. enough of silence. Many people waited a proper reports from Africa, but I got disturbed by some girl and because I was realy destroyed by sadness I just left everything. This doesn't mean that I didn't have good time in Kenya. Even more, I got such experiences and learned a lot. I will tell more over some time. Now it is simply that I don't plan writing things from my notebooks, but I will make some kind of overview and I even thought that I add some most interesting photos. But really only few. I have tens of thousands of photos and unlike you may think it is not always good to have so many. It makes choosing hard.

But today I wanted to write about quite an interesting find. I searched internet for African music as I have lost some I had in my computer before I went there. Actually I didn't know how special music I had. Most of the music I found in Kenya was so one sided, mostly Nigerian dance music. Well I also got some nice local music and some islamic music of what I'm already quite tired. And also today, most of the music I found was some traditional music. One CD was different though. Very different. It was called "Extreme music from Africa", but really, I couldn't expect something like this. Face of Africa I just saw, or actually listened, was very different from anything I could have believed even after visiting Africa myself, especially after seeing Africa myself. Before going to Kenya I thought that they have more various modern music. We were really lucky when we found a band that played jazz, soul and rock music there. Not to mention any electronic genres like d'n'b or something else along these lines. Anyway, "Extreme music from Africa" was full of electronic music and easiest listening was one track of dark electro-industrial. Other tracks were dark ambient or pure noise. Well, not really something that I like to listen, but interesting find anyway.

Kate and Sarah

Followed by translation to Estonian.

10.02.2010

(Things have changed a great deal since I wrote this text. Both Sarah and Kate are very different from the view I had about them then. And I really fell in love with Kate and lost basically all interest for Sarah)

When we had on arrival trainings, then at one evening there was proper welcoming party organized for us. We singed and danced local traditional songs. And biggest part was giving flowers to everyone. To each European, one local was assigned to give over the bouquet. For me of course it was set Kate. They already almost have wed us.. it seems. And although I don't know exactly what that song meant that they singed at the time when she gave me flowers (because at the time of giving over the flowers, others singed different song every time.. usually somehow connected with the person), but even this seemed to hint to something. At the end of this evening we kissed publically.

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But last days I have had second thoughts again. I like Kate, but actually first I got interested of Sarah, and sometimes I feel that I like her more. I feel that maybe I’m fooling myself and Kate. Yes, also Kate is super beautiful, but still, I’d have to say that I don’t feel quite right with her. When I hold around her, when I kiss her, yes of course I feel good then, but then again, it seems just like relieving my desires. At the same time, when we look for some time into each others eyes with Sarah, then it feels much more special. And now, Sarah’s statement that she and Carlos are just friends, brought these questions to my mind again. But actually, for me it seems still that there is more between them.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kate ja Sarah

10.02.2010

(Asjad on kõvasti muutunud sellest ajast saati, kui ma selle teksti kirja panin. Mõlemad Sarah ja Kate on hoopis teistsugused sellest nägemusest, mis mul tollel ajal neist oli. Ja ma armusin tõsiselt Kate’i ära ning põhimõtteliselt kaotasin igasuguse huvi Sarah suhtes).

Kui meil olid saabumisjärgsed treeningud, siis ühe päeva õhtul korraldati meile korralik tervitus pidu. Me laulsime ja tantsisime kohalikke traditsioonilisi laule. Ja suurim osa oli igale ühele lillekimbu üle andmine. Igale eurooplasele pidi üks kohalikest lilled üle andma. Mulle loomulikult määrati Kate. Nad on siin meid põhimõtteliselt juba paari pannud. Ja kuigi ma ei tea, mida see laul tähendas, mida nad sel ajal laulsid (sest iga kord kui kellelegi lilli üle anti, laulsid teised erinevaid laule.. ja tavaliselt olid need laulud kuidagi selle isikuga seotud), aga isegi see tundus millelegi vihjavat. Selle õhtu lõpul me suudlesimegi Kate’ga täiesti avalikult.

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Aga viimastel päevadel on mul jälle kahtlusi tekkinud. Mulle meeldib Kate, aga tegelikult ennem huvitusin ma Sarah’st, ja vahel on tunne, et tema meeldib mulle isegi rohkem. Ma mõtlen, et äkki ma lollitan nii Kate'i kui ka iseennast.

Jah, muidugi ka Kate on super ilus, aga siiski ei ole mul päris õiget tunnet. Kui ma tema ümbert kinni hoian või teda suudlen, siis muidugi tunnen ma ennast hästi, aga samas tundub see vaid tühja ihade rahuldamisena. Samas kui me Sarah’ga mõnda aega üksteise silmadesse vaatame, siis selles on midagi erilisemat. Sellised küsimused tõi mu pähe uuesti Sarah väide, et tema ja Carlos on vaid sõbrad. Siiski, minul on küll enamus ajast tunne, et nende vahel on midagi enamat.

Although by the outlook Sarah creates more interest in me, I could say that they are equally beautiful. But they have very different personalities and characteristics. Sarah is quite silent and more generally silent natured, but very caring and sweet. She often smiles her very beautiful smile. From time to time, she can also be playful. But sometimes she seems worried and she closes into herself. And she knows well how to flirt.

Kate is more energetic and impulsive and has quite true African temperament (that actually isn’t bad at all), but she for example usually don't search for closeness herself. I can’t really say that she is sweet and caring like Sarah, but at the same time she seems more straightforward. Then again, that kind of straightness makes her sometimes less interesting.

Should I be contempt with what I have or is it wrong not to listen my own heart? Today, even though Kate was right there beside us, Sarah and I just stared each other. It is almost unbearable.

Kuigi ka välimuse poolest tundub Sarah mulle huviäratavam, võin ma öelda, et nad on võrdselt ilusad. Aga neil on väga erinevad iseloomud ja omadused. Sarah on üpris vaikne ja tagasihoidlik, aga väga hooliv ja nummi. Tema naeratus, mida ta tihti näitab, on uskumatu. Vahel on ta ka mänguline, aga teisel ajal võib ta muretsev ja endasse tõmbunud näida. Ja ta oskab flirtida.

Kate on rohkem energilisem ja impulsiivsem ja ta on küllaltki tõelise Aafrika temperamendi esindaja (mis muidugi üldsegi mitte halb ei ole), aga tema näiteks ise eriti lähedust ei otsi. Ma ei saa öelda, et tema niimoodi hooliv ja nummi oleks nagu Sarah, samas aga tundub ta otsekohesem ja ausam. See otsekohesus aga samuti muudab ta vahel igavamaks.

Kas ma peaksin rahul olema sellega, mis mul juba olemas on, või on vale oma südame häält mitte kuulda võtta. Täna isegi, kuigi Kate oli samas meie kõrval, vahtisime Sarah'ga eriti pikalt üksteist. See on tõeliselt väljakannatamatu.

PARADISE

Followed by translation to Estonian
From 4. february 2010 (note that it is old writing, but last blog entrance was contemporary. For today me and Catherine have broken up)

I think I have never been as happy as now. Sometimes I have strong almost spiritual experiences and tears of joy just come to my eyes. Today we went to Kipkaren (not that place where Kate lives; not in Eldoret at all.. it’s place I think more than 50 km-s away) to agricultural training centre and primary school. I can easily compare this place with paradise. Amazingly beautiful place and also schools are better than in Eld. We plan to go back there sometime. Maybe we’ll do something together with kids (for example I would like to make some papier mashe with them and draw a little bit) and to hike to the hills nearby. In this “farm-school” we can eat cheap and very good food made of things grown only there.
People there are even nicer than elsewhere. We got such of an amount of welcomings, thanks and invitations back that it just felt unbelievable. Every person said at least ten times all of that. Also, as a little bit before our leaving it started to rain, they really saw us like a gift from God.
Kenya is beautiful even with the rain, at least in the case when you don't have to walk in the mud. In Kipkaren, when it started to rain, it really amazed me how clouds moved – rolled from up to down with a noticeable fast flow. It seemed like a smoke whirl that comes out of explosion little bit slowed down. I have never seen something like that and couldn’t have imagined that something like this is possible. It really seemed like some mark from God. Rain itself was not so strong, but every raindrop felt bigger and heavier than in Estonia. Also quite cool is to see hills and mountains in mist or clouds. It seems like there’s more dimensions of space or something.
When we arrived to Kipkaren, it was exactly the end of the school day. So kids of course followed us and we had to greet everyone. But funniest was that when they walked after us, then instead of calling me mzungu, they chanted rasta, rasta. I still don't have dreads, but kids there don't know that any man except rastafarians would have long hair. And as they never had seen any rasta, they were really excited.
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All the work of yesterday was that we again went to Kapsoya, where we joined the physical education class of some school. We did some gymnastic exercises and played football. They were too many, so I actually didn’t understand anything about the game, but it was still fun. Oh yes, we also visited the gardens of some guy around there and I got to taste some interesting berries and leaves.
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Yesterday evening we decided to go out again. We intended to go to the same small pub we visited in the first days here, but Kate and Sarah were with us, and they are too concerned about our security. So we ended up in dance club again. Music was too loud and at first not at all for our taste. And of course this place felt too posh for us. We would like more true African music and feeling. Kate and Sarah weren’t much in a dance mood either. Still, as I got to be a lot together with Kate and finally I also kissed her on the lips; it was good evening for me.
How seriously I take what I have with Kate, I don't know yet. I don't have any plans and I just go with the flow.. as always. Sometimes I think that it's crazy.. I can’t imagine what if I really fall in love with her, but nevertheless I want it to happen. I like to be with her. It is calming, at the same time exciting, but actually I also fear the future.
Kate and Sarah went home few hours before us, and it was really weird how right after their leaving other women in the club started to hit on me and Carlos. Today, in front of Nakumatt store, I ran accidentally to one of these girls from yesterday. Not only that their sticking behaviour was quite disgusting, this one also talked weird things. She said kind of something like: “It is really bad that all black women want any white guys they see”. I wonder what was that what she herself did then.
In addition to us, there were plenty of Americans in this club this evening - probably university students, although I forgot to ask. For a long time I thought that I should go and talk with them, but for some reason I didn’t. Yet, before we left, one of them came to talk with me. Laureen again. It was quite good to talk with an American. Even with a loud music, she easily understood everything I said. But we didn’t talk for long and now I regret that I didn’t ask her phone number, as it would be nice to hang around again with them also some other time.


PARADIIS

4. veebruar 2010 (see sissekanne on vana, erinevalt eelmisest. Seega märgin ära, et tänaseks oleme me Catherine'ga lahku läinud).

Ma arvan, et ma pole kunagi nii õnnelik olnud nagu praegu. Vahel on mul tugevaid hingelisi kogemusi ja rõõmupisarad lihtsalt tulevad silmadesse. Täna läksime me Kipkarenisse (mitte see koht kus Kate elab; üldse mitte Eldoretis.. ma arvan, et see koht on vähemalt 50 kilomeetrit linnast eemal) põllumajanduslikku koolituskeskust ja sealset põhikooli külastama. Seda kohta saab kergesti paradiisiga võrrelda. Nii ilus on see. Ka koolid on seal palju korralikumad kui linnas. Me plaanime sinna kindlasti tagasi minna. Võibolla teeme midagi lastega (näiteks tahaksin ma papier mashe’d teha ja midagi joonistada) ja muidugi kavatseme ka lähedal asuvatesse mägedesse matkata. Süüa saame selles „farmi koolis“ odavalt väga head vaid kohapeal kasvatatud asjadest valmistatud rooga.
Ka inimesed seal on palju mõnusamad. Meile sai osaks selline teretulemast, tänude ja tagasi kutsete valang, et lihtsalt uskumatu. Iga isik ütles kõike seda vähemalt kümme korda. Ning veidi enne meie ära minekut algas ka vihmasadu, mispeale meid tõsiselt nagu kingitust jumalalt nähti.
Keenia on ilus isegi vihmaga. Vähemalt juhul kui sa ei pea mudas kõndima. Kipkarenis, kui vihma sadama hakkas, siis mind tõsiselt üllatas kuidas pilved liikusid – rullusid ülevalt alla selgelt märgatava kiire vooluna. Tundus nagu suitsukeeris veidi aeglustatuna, mis väljub plahvatusest. Ma pole varem kunagi midagi sellist näinud ega oleks suutnud ka ette kujutada. See tõesti tundus nagu mingisugune jumalik märk. Vihm ise ei olnud tugev, kuid iga vihmapiisk tundus suurem ja raskem kui Eesti omad. Samuti on päris lahe näha udu või pilvede sees olevaid mägesid.. Tundub nagu oleks olemas rohkem kui kolm ruumimõõdet.
Kui me Kipkarenisse jõudsime, siis oli parasjagu koolipäeva lõpp ja seega otse loomulikult kõik lapsed jälle jälitasid meid ning me pidime kõiki kättpidi tervitama. Kõige naljakam selle juures oli aga see, et tavapärase mzunguks nimetamise asemel käis minu kohta korduvalt rasta, rasta. Mull pole ikka veel dreade, aga need lapsed seal külas ei tea, et ükski mees väljaarvatud rastafarianid oleks pikkade juustega. Ja kuna nad kunagi polnud ühtegi rastat näinud, siis olid nad väga õhinas.
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Kogu eilse päeva töö seisnes selles, et me käisime jälle Kapsoyas, kus me liitusime ühe kooli kehalise kasvatuse tunniga. Me võimlesime koos lastega ja siis mängisime jalgpalli ka natuke. Neid oli liiga palju ja tegelikult ei saanud ma seepärast mängust midagi aru, aga hoolimata sellest oli see vahva. Ah jaa, me külastasime seal ka ühe mehe aeda, kus ma sain mõningaid huvitavaid marju ja lehti maitsta.
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Eile õhtul otsustasime jälle välja minna. Esialgne plaan oli minna jälle sellesse väiksesse pubisse, kus me käisime ühel esimestest õhtutest, aga meiega olid kaasas ka Kate ja Sarah ning nad on meie turvalisuse pärast tõesti liiga mures. Seega jõudsime lõpuks ikkagi tantsuklubisse. Muusika oli liiga vali ja vähemalt algul üldse mitte meie maitse järgi. Üldse tundus see koht liiga uhke (vähemalt selleks õhtuks). Me oleksime tahtnud rohkem tõelist Aafrika muusikat ja õhkkonda. Ka Kate ja Sarah polnud eriti tantsu tujus. Siiski, kuna ma sain päris palju Kate’ga koos olla ja sel õhtul suudlesin teda esmakordselt ka suule, siis mulle kokkuvõttes see õhtu ikkagi meeldis.
Kui tõsiselt ma seda võtan, mis meil Kate’ga on, ma veel ei tea. Mul pole ühtegi plaani ja hetkel kavatsen lihtsalt vaadata kuidas läheb.. nagu alati. Vahel ma mõtlen, et see on ju hullumeelsus, ma ei oska mõeldagi, mis siis kui ma temasse ära armun, aga ometi tahan ma, et see nii läheks. Mulle meeldib temaga olla. See on rahustav, Samal ajal meeldivalt ergutav, aga tegelikult olen ma ka tuleviku pärast mures.
Kate ja Sarah läksid paar tundi enne meid koju ja oli päris veider näha kuidas kohe pärast seda kõik ülejäänud kohalikud naised ennast minule ja Carlosele külge hakkasid määrima. Täna jooksin juhuslikult Nakumatti poe ees kokku ühega neist eilsetest tüdrukutest. Vähe sellest, et niigi nende kleepuv käitumine üpris vastik oli, siis see ajas veel imelikku juttu ka. Ta ütles umbes midagi sellist, et on ikka nõme, et kõik mustad naised igale valgele mehele alati külge hakkavad lööma. Ei tea, mida ta siis ise tegi.
Lisaks meile oli sel õhtul seal klubis ka hulk ameeriklasi – küllap vist üliõpilased, kuigi ma unustasin seda küsida. Üpris pikalt plaanisin minna nendega rääkima, aga miskipärast ei läinud. Aga enne kui me ära läksime, tuli üks neist ise minu juurde. Jälle Laureen. Oli päris hea vahelduseks ameeriklasega rääkida. Isegi valju muusikaga sai ta kergesti igast mu sõnast aru. Me siiski ei rääkinud väga kaua ja nüüd ma kahetsen, et tema telefoni numbrit ei küsinud, sest oleks päris lahe nendega teine kord koos välja minna.

Fairytale gone bad

This entrance is sadly only for Estonians, as I just don't have a heart to translate it. I fear I can't do it without losing some feeling from it. At least not now.

See on mingil määral nagu lugu uinuvast kaunitarist, aga nagu öeldakse.. pahaks läinud muinasjutt.

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Kuidas see kõik nii on läinud? Ühel hetkel oled seitsmendas taevas ja siis hakkab kõik lagunema. Reaalselt oleks ma pidanud mõtlema, et temaga koos olek ja kõige plaanimine, mida ma plaanisin, on hullus. Selle asemel aga minu pea ütles mulle, et täielik hullumeelsus oleks sellest kõigest loobuda või ilma jääda. Nüüd see aga ongi nii ja seda on lihtsalt hirmus taluda. Maailm värvus täiesti hallidesse toonidesse. Pidevalt on tunne, et see pole päriselt. Ei ole ju? Ma näen lihtsalt õudusunenägu või mind polegi. Ma olen elusoleku ja surma vahepealses maailmas. See pole isegi põrgu, sest seal sa sõidaksid igaviku bussis läbi tolmuse, kuuma kõrbe mööda olematuid teid, ahmides olematut õhku ja vihates seda, kuidas inimesed, kaasa arvates sulle lähedased inimesed on su ümber, kuid sina ei saa nendega rääkida ega neid katsuda. Sa ei näe korralikult isegi nende nägusid. Kuid see maailm on veel hullem. See on tühi, masendav ja samuti iga sekund tundub liiga pikk aeg.

Ülimalt raske on endale tunnistada, et nii see nüüd ongi. Mitte ükski hullumeelne plaan ei lähe täitmisele. Vähemalt mitte nii nagu oli plaanitud. On raske teada, et ma teda igavesti mäletan ja armastan, aga ometi on ta mu jaoks kadunud. Mäletada ta täiuslikke kehavorme - näojooni, peenikest hulluks ajavat kaela, kohta kus rindmik rindadeks üle läheb, saledaid jalgu ja pisikest tagumikku, neid juukseid, millega mul nii palju tegemist oli ning siledaks raseeritud kaenlaaluseid. Rääkimata tema naeratusest, häälest, iseloomust, suudlustest ja hellitustest. Ma ei saa enam kunagi teda maitsta ja ma ei saa kunagi temaga alustatut lõpuni viia. Nii raske on teda näha ja nende mõtetega võidelda. Isegi teda nägemata tulevad pisarad silma.

Ma olen alati väga valiv olnud. Alati varem on miski mulle iga tüdruku juures puudu olevat tundunud. Või siis ka üle olevat. Esmakordselt leidsin kellegi, kes tundus igati terviklik ja sobiv. Ja ka tema tundis midagi sellist. Kõik toimis. Mõeldes, kui kaua selleks aega läks ja kui keeruline see oli, tekib tunne, et on üpris lootusetu uuesti sellise juhuse otsa sattuda. Südame alt läheb külmaks selle mõtte peale. Varem oli mul arvamus, et mu süda ise on külm ja nüüd on kõik vastupidi. Ei oska ilma armastuseta olla. Kuid lisaks sellisele egoistlikule kurbusele piinab mind veel kurbus tema pärast. Mida tema siis veel peab läbi elama? Kuidas saatus saab vahel nii julm olla.

So what then if at every moment I couldn't create an hit

Followed by translation to Estonian.

from 2.2.2010

Today many of us here have problems with the stomach. Don’t know what bad we have eaten. And it happened very suddenly for everyone. Additionally I hit my elbow.. now it is blue, scratched and hurting. Not that I wouldn’t get scratches and cuts every day, but today’s one is really, really hurting.

But morning was ok. We went to Ainaptich school. The same place where we had our football training. There is quite big sporting field and of course they said that sport is very important there.

Later we went to town where we wandered in shops. I found really colourful Maasai shirt. I should buy it (in case money doesn’t end critically). Then we were shown a place behind one cyber where we could mix the music. Love and I will certainly go back there. But actually to internet we went to other cyber, where if you stay for an hour, then you have to pay only half the price. Finally I got to use msn, but sadly there weren't anyone to talk with. Ok.. Liisi was online, but she also talked as little as always.

Afternoon we went to the Eldoret Sports Club, but as I didn’t had sportswear with me, then this time I didn't play. But actually it was good, as that's when I suddenly got diarrhea. Evening has now passed with tiredness, bad mood and though Helen gave me some pills, I still have to suffer restless stomach. I didn’t dare to eat much, but I did myself bread with fried egg and peppermint tea. These should help my stomach to get better.

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Today we had lots of hassling with the money. We tried to get some bills settled. Mariann still owes me 1500/-. Justas paid his K back. Again I had to lend some cash to Ariko and with him is this problem that he just may forget. Probably I also lend 1000 for Kate that she could go for training to Nairobi next week. Well, it’s not sure yet, because maybe Wesley won’t allow her to go. In 13^th February will be some kind of DJ contest-party here in Eldoret, where we surely want to go. I hope if Kate goes to Nairobi, then she will be back for this night.

Money thing is still one of the most important here. Although everything is cheap, money just goes to the nothingness. Time is resource we have a lot. Even the workdays go by mostly drinking chai and walking around, but I already feel some money problems.

No mis siis teha kui igal hetkel hitti ei tule

Täna on meil siin paljudel kõhuga probleeme. Ei tea, mida paha me söönud oleme. Kõikidel algas väga järsku. Peale selle suutsin küünarnuki katki, siniseks ja valutavaks lüüa. Mitte, et igasuguseid kriimustusi enamvähem iga päev ette ei tuleks, aga tänane oli eriti valus.

Aga hommik oli normaalne. Käisime Ainaptichi koolis. Seal samas toimus meil ka jalgpalli treening matš. Üpris suur spordi ala on seal ja meile öeldi ka muidugi, et selles koolis on neil sport kõrgel kohal.

Hiljem läksime linna, kus veidi poodides ringi käisime. Leidsin väga värvilise Maasai särgi, mille peaks kunagi ära ostma (muidugi juhul kui raha kriitiliselt otsa ei saa). Seejärel näidati meile ühe internetipunkti taga kohta, kus muusikat saab miksida. Me Lovega läheme kindlalt sinna veel tagasi. Internetti läksime aga teise kohta, kus kui tund aega olla läheb hind poole väiksemaks. Lõpuks sain MSN’i ka, aga kahjuks polnud kellegagi rääkida. Liisi küll oli online, aga nagu ikka kirjutab ta vähe.

Õhtupoole läksime spordiklubisse, aga kuna mul polnud vastavaid riideid kaasas, siis ma jalgpallist seekord osa ei võtnud. Hea oli ka, sest just selle ajal mul järsku kõhulahtisus tekkiski. Õhtu on nüüd väsimust, halba tuju ja hoolimata Heleni antud tablettidele ka mäslevat kõhtu kannatades möödunud. Caroline’i tehtud toitu ei julenud eriti süüa, aga tegin endale praemunaga saia ja piparmünditeed. Need peaks paranemisele kaasa aitama.

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Täna oli hulganisti rahadega tegelemist. Üritasime arveid sirgemaks ajada. Mariann on mulle ikka 1500/- võlgu. Justas maksis oma tonni tagasi. Taaskord pidin ma Arikole võlgu andma ja temaga on see oht, et ta lihtsalt ära unustab. Lisaks kavatsen ma Kate’le tuhande kanti võlgu, et ta saaks järgmine nädal Nairobisse treeningule minna. See küll ei ole veel kindel, sest Wesley võib tal selle lihtsalt ära keelata. 13. veebruaril tuleb siin mingi DJ-de võistluspidu, kuhu me kindlasti minna kavatseme. Ma loodan, et selleks õhtuks Kate ikka tagasi jõuab.

Raha teema on siin ikkagi üks tähtsamaid ja hullemaid kuigi peaaegu kõik on odav. Aega on meil hulganisti. Tööpäevadki mööduvad peamiselt chaid juues ja ringi jalutades, aga raha teeb juba muret.

Red, red wine and no woman, no cry

I haven't yet posted anything in may. It is mostly because I have started feeling that it is weird to write about things that are many months old and also felt wrong to write something new having blank for some past months. Still, today I felt the need to write about current situation. I can even forget about some things in my notebook written about me and Kate. This thing is now quite surely ended. I have worst days here. I cried today in the morning as I really fell in love with her more than to anyone ever before. In Estonia I thought that I was in love, but now I see, that it wasn't anything compared to this. For many years I saw this girl every day, I was so close to her, and yet I didn't do anything. I never told her about my feelings. And now I didn't care even about the facts that me and Kate are from countries so far from eachother. I didn't care that coming back to Kenya and living here would be very hard for me (and I still want to come back here and build a house for myself). All the time there is thought that I just can't be without her. I went crazy from love but something was still greater than love. I even don't know what, as Kate won't talk. I just know that she was limited by something.. she was afraid. I still believe that she really felt something for me too, but something came between us. It is really hard to accept that I have lost her. So now I'm drinking red wine and trying to avoid sadness. I don't know what to do now. I need another girl, but I'm afraid that then I always think that she is just a substitute to Catherine and I would feel bad. All the time I hope that she would come back.

It is quite ironical actually that when I left Estonia I had a mission in my mind to seduce an African girl and then later leave her but now everything is other way around. I had no idea that I even could fell in love so deeply. I thought that my mind is too realistic for that and my heart too cold, but now I'm like crazy. I just couldn't accept that everything is over. There is only hole in my soul. And in the future I will sometimes remember and feel the sadness for what could have been. I really don't understand why everything went that way. I wanna know the reasons. And for remaining two months I probably stay hoping for something and therefore feel the grief.

Darkness on safari through Kenya, Africa infested with lots of poverty, hunger, AIDS and greedy elephant killing Kikuyus

http://www.granta.com/Magazine/92/How-to-Write-about-Africa/Page-1

Thatkind of link was given by someone who commented Mariann's blog, being disturbed by circumstance that Manna shows Africa in bad light. OMG.. certainly read this article.. it is hilarious. By the way, I SHOULD write a book holding this guide in my mind.. I guess it would be a superhit in comedy genre. And actually, considering this, my blog aren't so bad either :p

Sellise lingi andis üks Marianni blogi kommenteerija, olles häiritud asjaolust, et Manna Aafrikat halvas valguses näitab. Oh jumal küll.. loe artikkel kindlasti läbi.. see on ülimalt naljakas. Peaks kusjuures seda meeles pidades kirjutama raamatu.. oleks ilmselt hitt komöödia šanris. Ja ega mu blogigi väga halb selle järgi pole :p

Rainforest

Translation to Estonian follows.

1. February 2010

Yes, morning wakeup was early. Small breakfast and then we started or hike. Really cool.. as we would have went few hundred years back in time. At first there were wide paths going into the jungle and in some places even the way signs, but soon paths started spreading, getting narrower and finally completely hard to spot. In some places our way was completely blocked by bushes or fallen trees. On one open field in the middle of the rainforest we wandered around by paths that probably were created by animals. At least none of these took us anywhere. For some time it felt we are a little bit lost and some even considered that we should go back the same way we came, but after some time we found our way to the river. The same we found last day. So logically, if we go upstream, we should again get to the falls. Just to get ahead a bit, I can say that it was best idea, as we probably wouldn’t have found any better jungle paths and views anywhere else.

When we got to the river, we made a stop. We ate some weird triangular bread, dipped our feet into the stream, and just rested a bit. I of course decided to try to cross the river. It was full of slippery stones and in the middle water deep and the stream pretty strong. First time crossing it, I even managed to remain dry, but when going back, I chose another place where bottom seemed sandy and water more shallow. But when I got to the middle, situation changed suddenly. Again there were slippery and in some cases loose stones. Water got deeper very suddenly and stream was even stronger, as now I was at the beginning of small rapids. Many times I was about to fall, but finale happened just near the riverbank. I already thought that I had safely crossed it, when because of some loose stones I really lost the balance. For the disappointment of others (as they didn’t get good photo) I didn’t fall, but as I struggled to get back the balance and had to put hands into water, I got a little bit wet.

Ahead by the riverbank, path turned really wild. It ran up and down, turned around gigantic trees and impassable coppice, and in most places slope to the river was high and steep. From above the lianas fell to the path. At one place there were really tall palm trees. Near the river we finally also saw white colobus monkeys. Last day we saw some black ones and guys said that we also saw some blue monkeys. At the final part of the trail, Sarah and I were running again. It was a good cross country.

When we got back to the camp we were extremely hungry and thirsty. So we ate and prepared to leave (as we were only allowed to stay in the reserve for 24 hours). But we still decided that before going we have time for short walk. Mykolas, Carlos, Sarah, Justas and I went to viewing platform that was on a little hill. Rest decided to go to so called monkey trail. Monkey trail my ass! We had fun of climbing some cliffs; admire beautiful view to the entire forest; to see lots of colobuses, etc. But coolest thing was when we walked back that one big family of baboons had come to the road. Carlos got very good photos of them. And for conclusion I found a very nice eagle feather, what I set to the head of Sarah and took a very good picture of her too. I want to print it in a proper size to the photo paper. It would be good portfolio photo and nice gift for Sarah. Actually I also did a nice photo of Kristi. Now I would like to make a perfect portrait photo of Kate too.

So, for conclusion, even though this trip was expensive, it was absolutely worth it. Rainforest is great. Of animals we saw at least three different species of monkeys (in Kenya there were supposed to be 7 or 8 species.. therefore good achievement), countless beautiful butterflies, including the dead one, ants that traveled in wide lines, very weird dead bug, a green forest giraffe and of course the pink panther. Some birds also but nicest one we encountered actually when we already had left the reserve.

Drive back to Eld was again in a matatu packed full of people. At the beginning there was really big local mama sitting beside me, and when she went out, one man and one woman replaced her. Even less space. Especially freaky was that when this man finally went out, this woman still stayed tightly against me, although now there was lots of room to take it little bit easier. I guess I was so warm and softy then. In matatu Love and I listened music from my mp3 player. He said that he has lots of such kind of music that I probably like.

Twiga - giraffe

Kima – monkey

Punda - donkey

Kipepeo – butterfly

Siafu – ant

Vihmamets

1. veebruar 2010

Yes, hommikune äratus oli varajane. Väike hommikusöök ja alustasimegi oma matka. Päris lahe. Nagu oleks sattunud paarisaja aasta tagusesse aega. Metsa sisenedes olid algul küll laiad rajad koos mõnes kohas asuvate suunaviitadega, kuid üpris varsti hakkasid laiad rajad hargnema, muutudes kitsamaks ja lõpuks päris vaevumärgatavaks. Mõnes kohas takistasid noor võsa või langenud puud meie tee täielikult. Ühe lagendiku peal ekslesime tükk aega mööda radu, mis ilmselt olid hoopis loomade tekitatud, sest kuhugile välja need küll ei viinud. Vahepeal hakkas tekkima tunne, et oleme juba eksinud ja tuleks sama teed tagasi minna. Lõpuks siiski ringi ekseldes jõudsime jõe äärde. Selle sama, milles me eelmisel õhtul ujumas käisime. Seega ülesvoolu liikudes peaks sama koseni jõudma. Veidi ette rutates tahaks öelda, et see oli parim idee, kuna paremaid radasid ja džungli vaateid ei oleks ilmselt kusagilt leidnud. Jõe äärde jõudes tegime väikese peatuse. Sõime veidi, kastsime jalad vette ja puhkasime muidu. Mina loomulikult katsetasin, kas suudan läbi jõe minna. Põhi oli libedaid kive täis ja keskel oli sügav ning päris tugev vool. Esimest korda jõge ületades jäin siiski päris kuivaks. Tagasi minnes valisin ületamiseks aga uue koha, sest see paistis madalam ja liivase põhjaga. Jõe keskkoha kantis aga olukord muutus. Jälle libedad ja mõnes kohas ka lahtised kivid. Ja sügavaks ning tugevavooluliseks muutus jõgi ka väga järsku. Seal oli vool isegi vist tugevam, kuna tegemist oli väikese kärestiku algusega. Mitu korda tahtis mul jalad alt tõmmata. Aga finaale juhtus hoopis päris kalda lähedal, kui ma olin juba üpris kindel oma turvalises kaldale jõudmises. Veerevate kivide pärast kadus tõsiselt tasakaal ära. Siiski päris vette ei kukkunud (teiste pettumuseks, sest nad lootsid head fotot saada), aga tasakaalu taastamiseks rabeledes sain siiski parajalt märjaks.

Edasi mööda jõekallast muutus rada eriti metsikuks. Jooksis üles-alla, keerutas ümber hiiglaslike puude ja läbipääsmatute tihnikute. Enamustes kohtades oli jõekallas järsk ja kõrge. Puude latvadest rippusid üksteise ümber väänduvad liaanid. Ühes kohas kasvasid eriti hiiglaslikud palmid. Lõpuks nägime ka valgeid koloobus ahve. Eelmisel päeval olime näinud mustasid ja teised ütlesid, et nägime ka siniseid ahve. Raja lõpu poole hakkasime jälle Sarah’ga jooksma. Mõnus maastiku jooksu rada oli.

Laagrisse tagasi jõudes olime ülimalt näljased ja janus. Seega siis sõime ja avastasime, et üsna pea peame lahkuma (sest kaitsealal tohtisime olla vaid 24 tundi). Siiski enne lahkumist otsustasime väikese ringi teha. Mina, Mykolas, Carlos, Sarah ja Justas, läksime vaateplatvormile, mis asus väikese mäe otsas. Ülejäänud otsustasid nii-öelda ahvirajale minna. Monkey trail my ass! Me saime järsakul väheke ronida, imetleda imelist vaadet kogu metsale, näha hulka mustasid koloobuseid ja kõige lahedam oli, et tagasi tulles avastasime, et meie teele on roninud suur paavianide pere. Carlos sai neist väga häid fotosid. Tipuks leidsin ma kotka sule, mille ma Sarah’le pähe seadsin ja temast väga laheda foto tegin. Loodan, et saan selle siin kuskil paraja suurusega foto paberile printida. Oleks hea portfoolio foto mulle ja kink Sarah’le. Kristist tegin ka kena foto. Nüüd tahaks vaid veel Kate’st täiusliku portree saada.

Niisiis kokkuvõtteks, kuigi nii sõit kui reservaadi külastus olid kallid, oli see täielikult seda kulutust väärt. Vihmamets oli ülivõimas ja austust äratav. Loomadest nägime vähemalt kolme eri liiki ahve (Keenias pidi neid kokku olema 7 või 8.. seega päris hea tulemus), lugematult erinevaid üliilusaid liblikaid, kaasa arvatud üks surnud, laiades ridades rändavaid sipelgaid, ühte väga veidrat surnud putukat, rohelist metsakaelkirjakut ja muidugi roosat pantrit. Mõningaid linde ka, kuigi parima otsa juhtusime alles väljas pool kaitseala.

Tagasi Eldi sõit oli jällegi rahvast puupüsti täis matatus. Minu kõrvale istus muidugi ilgelt suur kohalik mammi ja kui tema maha läks, tulid üks mees ja üks naine asemele. Veel vähem ruumi. Eriti imelik oli see, et lõpuks kui see mees maha läks, siis naine istus ikka tihedalt mu külje all edasi, kuigi ruumi nüüd ju oli, et veidi vabamalt võtta. Ju ma siis nii mõnusalt soe ja pehme olin. Matatus kuulasime Love’ga minu mp3 mängijast muusikat ja ta ütles, et tal on hulganisti sellist kraami, mis mulle ilmselt meeldib.

Twiga - kaelkirjak

Kima – ahv

Punda - eesel

Kipepeo – liblikas

Siafu – sipelgas