She asked what is that and i believe no-one has ever given a really good explanation. In Estonia one known man said that love is that if you do everything in your capability and even more to see the one you hold dear to you, smiling. It's quite nice to say that, but it is not all.. far of that. First of all, love is not only a feeling between humans. It's condition of feeling that someone or something or even some idea is part of you. Love isn't linked with sexuality at all,.. although in some cases sex gives that something that is missing from unity of souls of two people.. but in many occasions it may only hold people from feeling true love. Now, be sure not to understand me wrong.. i'm not against sexual relations. I really glorify sexual relations, yet i believe i have developed somekind of deeper understanding of things in universe. I have achieved something like harmony between myself and my subconcious. And that means, that i control everything about myself - feelings, urges, thoughts, body. At least so i want to believe. Hell, even if i still haven't actually achieved that, my current course is getting me closer. As i have wrote at my orkut site, i'm still not a holy man, i'm messenger of reason and respect. So,.. i haven't renounced from sexuality completely, i'm just exploring the depths of human psychology and relations. Nowdays i need lot's of time to let someone close to me, because i have found that most of the feelings humans have are just a shell they have grown to themself. And only thing that can break through that, is time. Time is my ally.. time is my friend, time is all i have.. and we have all the time in the world,.. all the time we need. Constantly humans feel that they love someone, but most of that feeling is actually just a simple and short living desire for something we find likeable. Again, only time can reveal the truth. I feel that truth is most important component of love. Especially being true to yourself. Now.. bearing that in mind, i'm not sure about what i felt for Irma - a girl who was absolute obsession.. for whom i cryed many years after i lost her, and because of her i started to think about what is important in feelings and relations for me. Yeah.. i tend to think that maybe i have loved only myself and that abstract wholeness of humanity.. world and life.. but never any other person. That's somewhat unpleasant thought, but no.. really, i think that there are many types and levels of love. For loving another human, i have to see one's soul and at the same time i need somekind of purpose.. both of which are hard to achieve. Some say, that take it easy, have fun and even if that is not love, take all the joy you can get. Sadly, i am tired of relations and deeds that doesn't mean anything. Yet, there is other side. I'm quite critical about myself and my life.. although changing it to better needs kind of miracle. So, this criticism plus bad experiences, made me think over.. and finally i have kind of separated myself from other people. I have made myself an invisible jail cell, which should protect me from people and people from me. Like in any jail you yearn for freedom, but you have to earn it. You have to gain the trust of the keeper. In my case, that is me.. so it seems, i don't trust myself. I'm working on it, but you probably know also that inmates doesn't change, at least not very quickly. Darn, now i started thinking, what if i learn to trust myself too late. Or what if i take a risk to trust myself but make a mistake. Yes, actually i am pretty sure what love is and that i do feel love for some certain persons too, but i am not sure what to do about it.
There is more,.. my feelings, my innerworld is so complicated that i believe i could write entire book on that theme, but for today it's certainly all.. i am tired and bit sad.. and i have doubts about everything i just wrote, i even thought about deleting it many times.. but hey, writings may make sense much later.
Love is sweet, but it is painful and tormenting too. He he.. i read Hesse right now.. i wonder how much of that thinking is because of that book.
2 comments:
“Armastus, armastus, armastus, – mida sa, sellest küll tead. Oleks ta siin, sa sõnu ei seaks. Ei peaks!“:)
see riim sakib,.. ei ole nii see asi üldse. See, kes on armastust tundnud, see ka räägib ja kirjutab sellest. Ja kuna tegelikult armastus ei kao, siis kahtleb sellesse uskuja pärast ka armastuse pärast valu tundmist kõikides tunnetes.
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