Road to Roma

After some consideration I decided that I really must go to Rome. Otherwise I would always think that I was in Italy, but not in Rome. You know, once Rome was a synonym for Europe. And when already on this way, I should also visit Venezia/Venice and Firenze/Florence. Just as a remark - I prefer the placenames as they are locally.

So Venezia - what about it? Basically I can't say anything about it. Yes I got there, but as soon as I arrived, I also left. Some ask if I didn't like it, but truth is that I even didn't see enough to make my mind about it. I saw channel full of dirty water, lots of tourists, and over the first houses the towers of famous old Venezia. Truth is, that I don't like sightseeing so much... at least not as most of the people do that, and I already had an image in my mind about Venezia as something where wouldn't be much for me. Without local friends, without connection to local life, I feel that cities are empty, however beautiful they would be. Even true abandoned city would be more interesting for me. And yes, to Venezia or any other place nearby, I failed to find a host through Coach Surfing. Actually I understand, as these places are such a tourist magnets, and people there got so many requests; But this doesn't mean that my feeling would get better from knowing that. I still felt hoplessness and loneliness, adding to the travel stress. My stay in Udine had already stretched from few days to six (by the way I am very thankful for everyone in Udine who helped me - to have a place to sleep, to get over of this loneliness and boredness, for everything). So,  my next beacon of light and hope was in Firenze. A guy named LEonardo, who is over fifty years old and accepts lots of coach surfers at the same time, said that he has a place for me for one night. That is actually reason why I hurried away from Venice... to get to Firenze in this day. Anyway I had already lost a lot of precious time, trying to get away from Udine, as there is no good place to hitchhike. Would I had only known how will be the night, I would have still stayed in a campingsite near Venezia and gone to walk there.

I didn't get to Firenze in this day. When a car driver left me in Bologna, I didn't understood, in how bad place to hitchhike for Firenze I was. Next day I saw that there was still entire city to walk through, before getting any chance of stopping anyone going out of Bologna to south. In my oppinion, Bologna is nothing special. And I was so late there, that I even couldn't get any idea where I am or get some food. Only thing I saw, were roadside prostitutes. How much different from them am I? I too try to catch a car... not to earn money, but to get a free ride. I just don't use my body for that, but my traveller's nature.

Finally it was already too late and I gave up hitchhiking, and started looking for a place to put my tent. I planned to get to the hills that were behind the city. Only problem was that I didn't know how to get there. There were highways on my way. I did something crazy. I walked a long way on the highway, crossed it few times, walked even in the highway tunnels (well anyway it was dark, but tunnels, even though they had lights, seemed still darker and more dangerous. I did it to find off ramp somewhere at the other side. But in one tunnel there was an emergency exit, so I used this instead. I was so tired of walking and not knowing how to get to the hills, so I just went up to the roof of the tunnel and placed my tent there. It is definately craziest place I have slept.

Initial agreement with Leonardo of Firenze was only for that night, so next day I still went to Firenze without having a plan. At first I walked around my heavy bag on my shoulders, but finally decided that I should ask from Leo about if he knows any cheap place to camp and also eat. But Leo sent me answer that I can come to dinner at his place and he also knows a place for my tent. that place, as I finally discovered was on his very big balcony (I was thinking that maybe he has a garden, but balcony was good enough for me too... at least not on top of the highway tunnel), and finally I got to know that actually he can even host me for two or even three nights and that in following nights I can even move to bed. Best about that was that during this time I had a lot of company (like I already said, he hosts many people from different places, making international and intercultural contacts). Altogether in the same time as me, there were five Americans (really cool people with whom I didn't have any problem to find a common ground), a couple from UK (they stayed more on their own, but I still had chance to talk with them, and I still liked them), and one guy from Korea, who was more secluded as he didn't speak so good English. And in the last day came one couple from Argentina. This (meeting all these other travellers) finally made my stay in Firenze interesting and good time. At first I walked around a little bit, looking the amazing architecture of the city, but I still wasn't like everyday usual tourist, as I stopped a lot to sit or lay down somewhere next to one of the touristic attractions, drinked beer or ate pizza, watched other people (usually "running" from one place to another to take photos and I wrote... I wrote a lot. On this journey it is clear that most of the pictures I make with words. I was even so unusual, that one older man, who quite clearly was a tourist too, made a photo of me sitting next to the Duomo and writing as there wouldn't be one of the most known symbols of European old architecture beside me. Actually I would say because of that, that this man was a unusual tourist too... he too found something else to capture, than Duomo beside him. Second day Leonardo took some of us to little tour - some churches with mediocre art, a nice park of the palace, and Fiesole town on the hill next to Firenze (that was already on my list of things to visit in Firenze), from where was fantastic view to the entire city. In the evening I went with Americans to look for the party, we didn't find anything very good though. In the third day I went together with Leo outside of Firenze to CS barbeque party. This was really nice - really good company (first time I really felt that I communicate with Italians) and very good food. I got stomach really full. Ah yes, by the way, In last two days we cooked foods of our countries. In second evening Britts cooked together with Korean guy, and in third evening I together with three Americans. In both days we had really great dinner. So I felt that these two last days I ate and drinked all the time. But anyway, about this CS BBQ was also great thing that on the way there, Leo showed me best place to go to ask for a ride to Roma, and thanks to that I got the ride to rome in only few minutes. And when we came back from BBQ, we came another way, where I saw really good different views of absolutely charming Italian villages, small towns that had houses built storey by storey, so they looked like house built on top of another house? and usually they were about four-five floored, creating weird town on the hill side. More... nice farmfields separated by cypress strips, an old castle, beautiful roads with these amazing mediterranean pines on the roadsides, and also one of the nicest industrial zone before Firenze, because buildings were from red bricks, like from the beginning of the industrial era. Anyway... big up for Leonardo.
But then time came to leave... for all of us. I joked, that it feels again like being a soldier - at first we were rookies, having some hard time to get used to some Leo's regulations and life there, but with every day it seemed easier... Leo softened, and in the end we were veterans, welcoming new ones and knowing that it is our time to go forward. It was in one side really hard to leave others (all others went somewhere north but my road to Rome continued south), but I was also waiting to get to Rome and even anxious to see what new adventures life brings me. Somehow I knew, that on the coast I will find something different from what I had experienced so far (but lets not get ahead of things).
I entered Roma,the great city of legends and miracles, from east, and in two days I walked through Roma from one side to another. But Rome didn't welcome me with greatness. Eastern side was industrial park and wasteland and then some ghetto kind of suburbs, one worse than another. Just before getting to centre of the city, was worst part of it - really smelling maze where I even felt insecure, as there was lots of poor black people, Indians, Pakistanians, et cetera. Some homeless people looking even worse than in Estonia. Actually Even Center with great monuments and architecture from both ancient times (or actually mostly ruins from that time) and revival period, didn't seem anything especially amazing. I would prefer even Firenze and deffinitely Wien or Klagenfurt, that really were beautiful places. In my oppinion, Roma is too bad mix of everything.
Of course partly it was also fault of short time stay and nature of how I felt with my host. No, nothing extremely bad... if I would find him in CS, I would still write him a positive refference. It was very hard to find a host in Roma of course, but finally one guy wrote me. He said that if it doesn't bother me that he is gay, then he can help me. I sent him answer saying that if he understands that I am totally straight and I have a girlfriend, then everything would be good. So I got to stay at his place, and actually for a sightseeing people he would be probably best host, as he knows everything about Rome (he works in a hotel), and can tell about even symbolics of things. Well in Rome I really was like a tourist, trying to see as many of these monuments and places as possible with this short time. But problem was, that actually even though what I wrote to him, he thought that maybe he can change my mind. He said, maybe I just don't know what I want. But then after my explanation that I surely know that I simply am attracted by girls and couldn't enjoy having sex with a man... that I know that even without trying it, the same way as he simply feels that he is attracted by men... and when I explained how much I love my girl (I didn't even say to him, but actually even though I have had a lot of enticing girls on my way, I would even feel bad when I would cheat my love with some girl with whom I really would like to have sex), then he understood. He respected my choice totally and was still nice towards me. And he still teached me some things. Like really efficiently washing my cloths. I only hope that he also learned something from me. But yes, as he said that he is too much attracted by me, I can only stay one night and in the morning I'm on my own.
In the next morning I visited some places where we went in the evening, also in the daylight and went inside to few churches. I also planned to go in to the Pantheon, but somehow in the rush, I forgot that. You see what moving and thinking like a tourist does. There was also exhibition of paintings of Tamara de Lempica (one artist by whom I felt influenced a lot for a while... and certainly still one of my favourites), but ticket seemed too much and I didn't go there. Now I'm bit regretting my decision. But in general, Rome seemed dead city for me - of the new parts I don't care and old part is in ruins and lost its glory.
Quite different matter though was Vatican - holy citystate inside Rome. St; Peter's Basilica really was a masterpiece of art. When some old religious art in the churches I had visited, has pretty much sucked, then there was everything perfect and grand. Really appropriate for the centre of the Catholic, even all Christian world. I really even felt something spiritual and because of that feeling I stepped inside the praying room, where I prayed in my own way. First time in a church I didn't care that my beliefe is different from Christianity. But like one Krishnaite guy when he tried to introduce me his beliefs in Tallinn, and then I said that I already have my own beliefs, he said to me, that no problem... God is still the same, we just believe it differently. So I prayed for me and my loved one, so that my journey would take me back to her, and I gave my thanks to the God for everything. By the way, this same evening something weird happened. There was some buzzer flying to my ear and when I weved with a hand, my fingers got behind my rasta necklace and ripped it broken. How is this possible... even with force human can't break this plastic thread (you know, what fishermen use) by bare hands. So I took it as sign that God maybe accepts my kind of belief , but shows that then I also don't need a rasta necklace (as I have always said that for believing, Christians don't need a church or even ceremonies and praying, as God anyway know everything. Also from Vatican I sent postcards to my girl, to my family and to Kudrun, because she likes to collect postcards sent from travels.
And after that started again the road. This time road away from Roma. But about that in a next entry, I give just a hint that my feeling about Italy gets somewhat better and I really start to love Via Aurelia - modern version of ancient road. Just as a reminder for myself I also write here to look about other ancient roads like Via Apia, and what has come of these in modern times. But no more hints, this would just ruin the fairytale. Oh, there is still so much to write about Italy and I'm now already in France and after few days probably already in Spain. Of course I also was in Italy longer than any other country on my travel (over two weeks), but still, I have already same as much text written in my journal about Italy as about all the other countries together; This means that when writing here I have to do some selections and shorten it all the time, and lately I don't hav much possibilities to use internet for long time enough. But I always try. No worries, be happy! Ciao tutti!

We no speak Americano

Salve from Roma!

Leaving Austria was almost as hard as leaving Kenya, and that only after one week stay there. Finally on the road to Italy I saw also lots of amazing mountain views. My last stop for hitchhiking was in a fuel station about five km-s from border and this was incredible place. Right behind the fuel station and hotel was a shere wall of rock rising I think at least 800 meters. In front of it formed clouds that then slowly sailed away. I felt that I could watch it entire day. Sometimes I even didn't notice a car coming, just stared at the mountain. But on the way I saw more, and even more beautiful views. I really hope to travel to these areas again in future (although if I move to Kenya, it may become pretty impossible).

Anyway, finally I got the ride to Udine in Italy, my first station. Funny was that this car or actually small bus, carried the taxy sign, so basically it was my first time to hitch a ride with a taxi. But in this car was a Iranian family on a travel. Ok, if I understood right, they were born in Germany and boy actually still studies there. They were very friendly and ride was extremely enjoyable. Especially when we listened some traditional music from Iran. But first time after long time I had a documents check on European border, but it went quickly too.

I was actually on a road outside Udine already before noon, so I had entire day to waste. Although sky was clouded, it was very hot. What if really sun comes out. Actually from my first days in Italy I have contradictional feelings. I pretty much like what I see in the Italian cities, that different architecture and nice gardens in front- or backyard of the houses, and parks. One day when looking the roofs and narrow streets from the castle hill here, I even found some similarities with Kenya (although houses here are prettier, roofs made of stone and everything more systematic and fitting with the naighbourhood). And I certainly would like many trees and bushes and other plants from here to my guesthouse in Kenya. I haven't even seen many of these in any pictures. Variety is so great. I may also take some design examples. And probably it would be good idea to make window casements also in Kenya. Anyway, in this sense I really like Italy, but I still miss Austrian nature and amazing little cities like Klagenfurt.

I also miss Austrians. Italians seem really too cold natured for a southern people. I feel lonely quite often here. I don't get so much contact with locals. Ok, it is not like Czech, where people in city just avoided you when you go to talk, but yeah, even when I was with my host and her friends or in a party with some other coach surfers, I hardly felt as a part of it. I don't know, maybe it is also partly because of me, as now suddenly I got a little travelstress and even maybe some kind of a culture shock, and started to miss my girl and Kenya more than ever... maybe even Estonia a little bit. But then again, when in Austria everyone just started  (at least mostly) to talk in English when there were foreigners in the group, then in Italy it doesn't happen. It is hard to go to talk with some people when they talk amongst themselves in Italian. In this party only few people saw that I was lonely and then started talking with me. Moreover, in Italy it actually really seems that people are not so good in English, some even can't speak any English. In Austria you can be fairly sure that any young person can speak English (even if they say "only little bit", then actually they are quite good). I don't know about Austrian TV channels, but here everything is dubbed and probably most people don't have international channels. I think that Estonians speak English so well because we have movies and shows in original language, while at the same time subtitles help us to learn. BTW, most of the Italian TV and radio programme seems really scetchy for me. in TV and radio they pronounce very theatrically, making it all seem like soap series. In reality their language is much better sounding.
Ok.. actually I had now a really great time in Firenze, and also finally got a host in Roma for one night, so I have managed to come here, to one of the great dreamplaces of me. How exacvtly these trips were, I have to write in a next post, but know that although I want to go to France now as fast as possible, I feel quite good right now. And hopefully some West Coast Italy with beaches give even more happiness.
Ciao!

More awesomeness

Ok... in last post I didn't write much about Klagenfurt. It is really beautiful place surrounded by mountains. Yes, actually there are some really great mountains. And there of course is the Worthersee lake, surrounded by tourist attractions. Even though there is not any great place to dip yourself in, it is actually best place to have a wonderful look on nature around. Lake has light greenish blue colour that so well mixes together with woods and mountains.

And even though I don't like sightseeing, also walks in the old town are nice. Klagenfurt is much smaller than Tallinn in Estonia, but so much grander by look of it. Old town is full of people, amazing old architecture, plazas, parks, fountains and sculptures. Even new parts of town seem well to fit into the whole picture.

Wolfgang, my host there found that Klagenfurt is boring, but I had as good time there as in Vienna. Like I wrote to him in Couch Surfing - friends, beer and ice hockey or pop quiz in Irish pub, this is what's good time for me. Ok, there should be some place to go for real party too, but still it is not overly boring place either. Not places itself, but people make places special. That is why I instead of looking around try to get into normal local life, even if I have only few days for it. And I try to get to know as many local people as possible. I hope for random encounters. It was actually one day when I was sitting in park in Klagenfurt and writing. I hoped that someone comes to talk with me. Even just few words would do. But no one came. Well, there was one girl walking around in the park and taking photos of everything. Probably not a tourist as she took photos of treetops and bushes and many photos of same thing. So probably more of a American Beauty type of artistic photographer. She took also few photos from behind of the fountain, where should also be me. So I started writing of her. She taking photos and I writing about her. Kind of poetical and romantic actually. I noticeably followed her with my eyes, and she came quite close by, but past without neither of us saying anything. Maybe she hoped me to call her, but then I felt that maybe it would be bad idea. Lots of couples here make me wish for a girl to hold around too, but then I always remember my sweetie and think that it wouldn't be right to her.

But of course I still met one very enticing girl. In the last day we went to this pop quiz finally, because of what I actually was in Klagenfurt so long. And Wolfgang invited also two girls from Slovenia. One of them was so charming, sweet and funny, and actually I even gave her possibility to take contact with me. I even don't know if I'm strong because actually I haven't followed desire for now, or weak because I have so many enticements. Probably still weak, because if opportunity really would rise with such a divine girl, then probably I would give in, and that would be a mistake, as I never wouldn't forget my real love. I don't know who would get hurt, but probably someone.

Ah yes, actually I wanted to write about pop quiz. We needed a name for the team. Wolfgang proposed "Kaksteist kuud" (twelve months in Estonian) what he had heared from his friend, but noo... that would be too sick, when they say the names of teams. So I put the name "Archive of Awesomeness" instead. Yeah, we got a awesome name, that suited us, but there was another team with sick name - "Jedi Aholes". So it got a goal for me to won that team, but we didn't. At first we did good, but there were some things on what we got confused. So, when we left the pub, I said with a loud voice: "But you can't win us in awesomeness".

Now I'm actually already in Italia and I haven't missed my girl so much as now. I have also a little stress from traveling and some sort of a culture shock maybe, but Italy is already theme for next post, and hopefully for that time I have already got better feelings too.

Greatest thanks to both of my hosts (Hanna and Wolfgang) and their friends for amazing time in Austria. I will regard you always as good friends and hopefully we'll see again. Love!

Awesome Austria

Austria... it is really amazing country. Both cities and countryside with beautiful nature. People is so open and social. If you know someone, then you also quite certainly meet his or her friends. You go to parties, you are invited to dinners, to some group events with social games... they buy you beers or cakes. All the time something happens and you never feel alone (even when you actually are alone for some time). I really have started to love how German party feeling, French social commons like two kisses on cheek and Italian expressiveness and freedom are together in this country. And I started to love German language. At first I was surprised that German sounds better than I remember, but it was explained to me, that actually Austrian German is softer than real German. So that´s why. And truthfully I love girls here. They are so special and sweet. It is very hard to resist the temptation. Everyone, whatever is your taste, could find a girl that he likes here. Jürgen could get a chinese chica or for example that gorgeous half Philippino girl we met. And here are lots of black people, Arabians, Turks, Italians, somewhere probably even some Indians or Americans. Or you could fall for some pretty and nice Austrian or Swiss girl. You may find hippies, goth-metal girls, dreadheads or just old sweet vanilla flavour. I still love my girl and actually I don´t want anyone else but her, but here I simply got a crush on many girls. Especially my host Hanna in Vienna. She is such a pretty and special girl. Her energy, her laughter, the way how she takes the life, it just makes me crazy for her. Luckily she didn´t sho any such interest for me. Otherways who knows what could have happened. And Jasmine and her friend Karoline, girls from Switzerland studying music here. They invited me and Patrick (another coach surfer from USA, really awsome dude) to play minigolf and then after that to dinner they prepared. Both of them beautiful and interesting in their own way. Also Patrick has a girlfriend in USA (and as it seemed from the photo I saw, a dark skinned beauty), but sometimes it seemed to me that also he is not far from slipping. I guess that´s why he also looked the photo of himself with his girlfriend so often, to bring himself back to earth. Sometimes it really seemed that this place here is like paradise. Patrick´s favourite was clearly Jasmine, and I totally understand why. Especially when she sings, then you simply forget everything else. She is like divine creature.

But both of us, Patrick and I, we went on with our travels and hopefully it makes things easier. Actually it felt so hard to leave Vienna. Like really some magical song or laughter would chain me there. I left Vienna and I even didn´t had chance to meet Elisabeth (I think it is bad, although who knows, maybe she would have charmed me too). I still feel overpovering wish to go back.

Now I´m in another nice place in Austria. It is a small beautiful town in Alps (although not so massive mountains here as I hoped - I guess I have to go up to north in Italy... or maybe visit Switzerland), named Klagenfurt. Here my host is a guy, but my time with him and his friends is almost as amazing as in Vienna. They are great fans of ice hockey here and one day we were first in a Irish pub having plenty of beers and then two o clock in night his friends came here to watch hockey game. Today will be the same. By the way, I have never been interested of hockey, but it was still interesting to me, as guys look like Dwarves from some fantasy. They have beards (as in the end of the series it is a common not to shave), and in these teams, most of these beards were orange. Also their armor makes them look short but wide. Sport is agressive as I imagine anything to do with Dwarves would have to be. I just started imagining that they would have big axes instead of hockey sticks. Anyway, not much time to rest in Austria. So again, Estonia is a good place for resting and south here for living. Yesterday I actually took a possibility to rest and write... and today a little bit too, but actually I already hope and expect more active eavning.

Ok, I will go and check out the lake here, and maybe make myself wet. When I came to Klagenfurt, it was raining and first time on hitchhiking I got a little bit wet, but really only little, as soon a car picked me up and brought me exactly where I needed. Now it is perfect weather again. What else you can hope from life - beauty around, good weather, nice people! Katrina actually asked from me yesterday if I take my girl now to live in Austria, but I still continue with my plan to go back to Kenya. It is anyway very expensive here and making business would be even more impossible for me than in Estonia. And in winter it still gets cold here.

Ok, tschüss!

Extremities

Forget the signs with some place name like Czech Republic or Warsaw or even South or West. Take whatever comes at you. Write the sign "Anywhere" or "I just want away". Ok, they all say that Krakow is fantastic, but when a guy picked me up and after asking where I go, said that he goes to place near the Czech border, to Nysa that is away from main road, then I only said: "oh, it is perfect, lets go there". Also Nysa was beautiful. He said that before the WW2 there were 40 churches in this little town, but Russians thinking that German fort is there (although was many kilometers away), made a hard damage. Now there is only 28 churches if I remember correctly. "Only"! I have never seen such a small place with so many so grand churches and cathedrals. But yes, they say that in medieval times it was the big centre for Catholic church.

Anyway, although guy said that also from there many cars go over the border, it was maybe too peaceful. It was already evening and I still hoped to get to Brno, where David (a doctor whom we met in Kenya) could host me. David said, that he can host me only this one night. Did I regret my choice to get away from the mainstream. No - it is so beautiful around here. In Poland´s side there are wheatfields with cornflowers and swallows flying in deep blue sky. Road and houses already feel to have some Mediterranean influence. And over the border in Czech are mountains (or well, high hills). Finally! I really missed highlands.Everything is so beautiful and peaceful. One couple takes me to border. I step over to the Czech side. Otherwise I wouldn´t even realize it, but on the border I try to go to shop with polish coins still left, and I was sent away. No use of that money here anymore. So I´m finally in a totally new country for me. I have never been in Czech Republic.

I walk a bit. First village called Mikulovice seems almost like dead. But then I hear few men having a conversation in front of the local bar. Next thing I see is a small one wagon train that goes only over the border with about two people in it, and then comes back to here. This is all. I walk and car comes in about every 10 to 20 minutes and they still don´t stop. But even though I think that I again have to camp, then this time it doesn´t bother me. Weather is nice, place is silent and beautiful. Hills covered with forest. But suddenly a microbus comes and stops. There are three men and one women. All looking very bohemian. They are actually from last Polish village, but still, they remind me that in old times these areas were called Bohemia, and in Bohemia you should be the bohemian. They ask if I know djembe, and when I say that yes, I have two djembes at home, then they reveal that they are going to some drum workshop in a school nearby and ask if I want to join them. I hesitate for a moment first, but then the bohemian in me wins: "sure, I probably don´t get to my friend in Brno anyway, so lets go." Drumming is cool and additionally my new friends say that I can sleep this night there. It is nice room filled with exotic stuff and lots of tea. Doh... they call it the tea room. After saying that I´m reggae and world music DJ, they want to keep me. They said: "Why do you want to go to west? There is nothing interesting there. Stay here. We have a festival in the beginning of july. You should be there."

Morning in Jesenik. I walk through the town that seems much smaller at first than it actually is. It continues by the side of the river for a long time. It is quite the same traffic situation as was in the evening. Do I ever get to Brno? Do I have to walk over the mountains? These were the questions in my mind at that point, but I still didn´t have any regrets. Finally one car stops and ride over the hills starts with full throttle. By the road that goes up the hill like a snake and same way down again at the other side, this driver makes a real ralley. He really makes an ideal trajectory for himself in the turns, and in some places when cars come from other direction, it really depends on the masterful driving skill. It isn´t like "Need for Speed" I felt on the speedway before Warsaw, it is like craziest mountain tracks in "Colin McRae Rally" only much more crazier. Road is narrow, trees around and where is no trees, there is deep precipice going down at least 500 meters if not more. And as if this wouldn´t have been extreme enough, there was a gas tank rolling freely from one side to other in the back of a car, one tire that seemed as if it could come off if it gets a nudge strong enough, and driver just talking with me or his son, turning his look from road now and then. I of course didn´t had a seatbelt back there, but I think it wouldn´t had made a difference anyway. If driver would had made any mistake or if simply our luck would had turned us down, then probably we all would have died, whether you have a seatbelt or not. Same way as on a mountain, this guy speeded by the narrow road going through villages. He passed some cars with such surgical precision, that Polish drivers didn´t seem foolhardy at all anymore.

Sadly, rest of the Czech isn´t anything special at all. Hills are behind us, landscape mainly like in Southern Estonia, but more barren, without forests and fields just fallow. Only sad Soviet era reminding Cities and towns giving some diversity. Ok, I didn´t go to Prague, but it doesn´t even draw me so much anymore. When I went through Brno, I didn´t see anything special, if only area where poor gypsies or just gypsie looking Turks lived. Even in city centre I felt bad, as for example when I tried to ask for information, some people just ignored me, others were cold and busy... pretty much just: "Ok, ask away then, but be quick." It seems worse than Estonia. Definitely worse. So I just wanted to get as far away from this city as possible. By random coincidence I was picked up by two cool foreigners. One going to Slavakia and inviting me there (I was thinking about it, but I wanted to continue towards Austria. Another one was Polish Italian. He asked where I´m going and I explained that through Austria, Italy and France to Spain. He said that he is driving straight to Rome and was very exited of such coincidence. "So lets go to Rome?" he asked from me, but this time I didn´t want to take from this possibility. Seeing Austria has for a long time been a great dream for me, and now I wouldn´t see any Vienna, and even seeing mountains in the night, would be mood breaker. I also got a host in Vienna and she seems like someone interesting I should meet, and it anyway would feel wrong to searc a place and then just say that I don´t come after all. No, going to Italy straight feels rushing in any way. Was it Marek, my Warsawan host who said that travelling in Europe is like one day - one country, and this is exactly how it has been for me in last days. I think it is time to slow down a bit and enjoy some Austria.

Through tests of elements happily in Warsaw

Last two days in Lithuania I was on a small journey with Mykolas. At first we visited his homeplace in Kernave - a silent beautiful cultural reserve with small village. And then went to lake Sartai (that is between Utena, the birthplace of best Lithuanian beer, and Ignalina, from where even some of Estonian power comes if I know correctly), where we fished, swimmed (by the way, it was my first swimming in this year), rode with the boat, drinked Jesus brewed home beer and ate śaslikas and fish.

Last two days have been a tough test for me. I didn't get to Warsaw in one day and now it actually seems even crazy idea that I hoped, as in Poland there is lots of smaller and bigger places, where road turns. It is almost impossible to get to Warsaw in a one car. And actually in some places traffic is quite light and most cars just don't stop.

From Vilnius to Kaunas everything went as planned. I got to highway with a free Maxima bus. There I went to Kebab road stop and asked if anyone goes to Kaunas. One guy said that he can take me along if he can get going as his car just doesn't start. Finally he still got it running and I was in Kaunas already before noon. Kaunas was quite a different from Vilnius. Kaunas seemed like an industrial city with everything little bit smaller and rougher, but I liked it... it was special. Especially I liked some graffitis and massive industrial looking steel bridges.

But from there my test of earth and fire started. Test of earth was the distance that I can go by foot my heavy bag on the shoulders plus tent and still Kaubamaja (Estonian supermarket) plastic bag with food stuff in hands. Test of fire was my resistance to sun. I didn't want to spend money there for a bus ride out from Kaunas, or actually I even didn't had enough litas anymore as I had to buy Coca-Cola to get into bathroom (or actually I wanted to buy, as it is better to get a cold refreshing drink and get to WC than just pay for some crappy public toilet). Ah yes, if you wonder, then yes, today's post has quite a lot of something that smells for advertisement, but why not, these companies and shops help me in one or other way to carry through my journey. Anyway, it was quite a way to walk, especially because in one place I made a wrong choice of the road. And then I still didn't know that this day the test of earth is just beginning. Same way I didn't understand how strong is the sun this day. Already last days being on the trip with Mykolas, I got a lot of sun, but it wasn't anything compared to this day. When I had crossed bridge in Kaunas, I felt that my arms are just burning. So I quickly turned my bag upside-down and found the sunblock. The same that I used in Kenya - 50+. This day I put it I think at least four times and I still felt that my hands are getting more and more red. Temperature was close to 40 degrees Celsius and on the way I started worrying about my water amount. Had to start conserving it.

Ok, anyway one guy drove me to the crossroad where he turned to Kaliningrad and my test got even worse. Before the Lithuanian-Polish border and on such roads with quite a few places good enough for stopping, no-one picked me up. I decided to walk. I think I walked about 20-30 km-s until I got to the last fuel station before the border. I already thought about putting my tent there as evening was getting close already, but didn't want to give up yet. Finally I found one truck driver who was heading to Bialystok, and he spoke english well. Ok, Bialystok is little bit away from the ideal route, but that chance I took. I wanted to get over the border in this day.

With the truck I got some way through Augustow, that is really beautiful small town close the border in Poland. After Augustow there was this crossroad where went the "straight" way towards Warsaw, and then other road south to Bialystok. And then truck driver made a stop for 45 minutes. I said to him that I go to try my luck on the other road and if unsuccessful, then I come back there in 45 minutes. I tried, but no cars stopped, but when time got close I decided that it is better to look for a place to raise my tent around there, as when we get to Bialystock it would be really dark, and I would have to walk away from the city, but this place was totally a countryside. Forest was only about four km-s away, but I decided to walk forward on the road to illusionary forest stripe in front. Actually, what at first seemed forest was some trees here and some in some other place, and mostly some houses near these little patches of wood. I walked and walked, it was getting dark. I met some young fellas on the road that still tried to catch a ride to Warsaw (probably locals), but they also had light reflecting sign. I walked still many kilometers, until finally said to myself that it is enough -  I just have to find some place however bad it would be. My sleeping place was hidden by hills from two roads and one house. From other house it was fairly hidden by some bushes. I really didn't like this first night in the tent because wind was strong and flapped reeds and bush branches against my tent - test of air, not like I thought, but still. Probably in future I get more stronger wind that makes even walking hard. Ground wasn't flat, as it was on the edge of some farm field, and road was so close that I feared that I don't get any sleep. But I slept. I woke up every few hours, because of paranoia that someone, maybe landowner, is coming, but especially because traffic noises and cold. But then again I survived. I didn't need a sleeping bag or matt. It is my kind of traveling that requires good amount of will power. When I called going to Jesus' place a pilgrimage, then this suddenly started to feel much more like the real thing. Walking, feet in front of feet, next step, do not feel the tiredness or stress or sunburn, just continue and free yourself from everything.

In the morning I didn't feel as powerful as last day. Sunburns weren't a problem like I thought, even feet weren't as bad as I feared (My shoes are really great for walking the long distances - look for advertisement some posts down. Shoes were great also on excavated walkways of Lomza today, as no pebble got into these), but shoulders and my palms that held tent and the food bag were tired and painful. Also because seeing sun in this day was at first quite a rarity I didn't have such (will) power as before.

In a new day, hitching a ride went much better though, and drivers got more and more nicer (I don't write cool anymore, as then someone might confuse it with coldness of personality). So in that sense, that when getting closer to Warsawa it got easier and more pleasant to hitchhike, Poland is very different from Latvia. Yes, in rural areas and also in Lomza I saw some discouraging gestures and some guys who  shrug the shoulders as the car would be full of people although they are alone and without any visible stuff taking the room.

I have best experience on this travel and second best on all my hitch-hikings (As when I got the ride to Viru Folk, about what I wrote in the past, was simply unforgetable). First of all, guy who took me to Warsawan speedway, made a little round because of me, and there I didn't have to wait even for ten minutes. But especially last driver was such an amazing guy as I finally found out. At first he seemed some ordinary businessman type, then my paranoid mind started saying to me that probably this guy isn't very happy because when he asked where I want in Warsaw, I said that anywhere is fine, but best would be the Center. You know, when you have a paranoid mind, then any one who talks the language that you don't understand, or times when you don't hear something well - these things start to seem suspicious. Anyway, as I already said he was the greatest. Well, he finally didn't take me to center, but still quite a way from his home to place where I can get to tram. That wasn't all of course. He gave me five żlotish to buy tickets and also gave me one of the best presents - a CD we listened in a car, about what I was curious who is singing as it is great polish music (it is his friend's band). Anyway, I learned a great lesson of not to judge people by their outlook, car, or even the way how they simply feel at first.

Oh, Warsaw is great. First big city on my way, with variety of both racially or philosophically/stylistically different people. Although Marek, my current host here, feels that blocks and houses of Warsaw don't fit together very well, I think it is at least best you can get in a country so lately been in the hands of Soviet Union. Warsaw seems basically what I have seen from plans and schemes about what Soviet Union planned for Tallinn too. For some reason, it happened in Warsaw, but not in Tallinn. And certainly Warsaw is best looking city I have visited so far. Even Stockholm, Berlin and Helsinki seem puny and unstylish in comparison, methinks. When I got to Warsaw, I think I really looked like some half-minded village person pretty much looking it all with an open-mouth. As well I could have written a sign saying "I'm from Estonia and I don't know what to do in such a big city". And in many cases I felt that people are looking me like I would be some hobo because of my dirty Kaubamaja plastic bag. Because of that I went today to find myself some bag made of cloth or cotton. I found really nice one that fits very well my shorts and overall style. It is not the biggest and because I found it at the edge of the old town, it wasn't the cheapest I recon, but I'm happy with that purchase.

Ah, and Warsawan girls are much better looking and nicer than ones in Vilnius or Tallinn. My first encounter was in this first tram. I had my ticket, but didn't see anywhere the place where to put it or what to do with it. So I asked from one girl. Actually at first just because I thought that young people know the english best, and because she was simply the closest one, but later I understood that I actually picked also the person who I liked most. And she really was nice. She smiled, talked very nicely and finally worried if I get to where I want to get. Then, when I went to eat (I chose a Kebab place, as in Italy for example I want to try Italian pasta and pizza, but Warsaw seemed like a good place to eat something Turkish), there was another young and very pretty girl who served me. She already really seemed as she would have fallen for me from the first moment. Sometimes she peeked at me from behind the corner, and she sometimes went to whisper with another waitress girl after coming from me. But, just to make all things clear, I don't have any plan to have closer contacts with girls here. For me there is now only one girl. She is really waiting me in Kenya already for almost a year and I have no plan to make something that would be unfair to her.

And I really like Marek. He is one of these very friendly Warsawians. We met already in city center, to go for a beer with his friends from office. He has bought me many beers and any other way shown the hospitality. His home is cozy and his friends are nice. I only feel sad that I can't meet his wife who is on the travel in Georgia now. We have had conversations with him on many topics and I have never felt as stranger or out of place. I feel that I should have made some present for him and his wife too, but I have such a limited money and even more limited knowledge of the city, so I don't know where to get something invaluable in meaning but cheap by price. But this is the life of hitch-hiking travellers and their hosts I guess.

Ah yes, I was talking about tests of the elements. Then there was also already small hint to the scary water tests coming in the future. Yeah, this time it only tried my psychology,.. made me fear. Already from the morning after this camping, sky was pretty much cloudy, but when I got to the speedway that goes straight to Warsaw, then sky was really dark and it was only question if I get to car before the rain or not. Anyway, as getting the car didn't take any time, I was safe in the car for about 90 km-s... 90 km-s that goes with the speed of 150 km-s per hour. So what after that... going to the rain? No I didn't have to, because just before the Warsaw, my luck smiled on me, or my faith and will payed off. Anyway, sun suddenly started to shine again. That is how it seems to be here. For example in the late evening sudden thunderstorm struck and ended soon and as suddenly as it started. But ride to Warsaw with a speed of 150 km/h in a road that still in large was one row road (for each direction) and surrounded by forests, shooting by the slower cars and dodging the ones that approach from other direction, this was quite scary. By the way, yeah what is interesting about Warsaw is that it is pretty much surrounded by forests (Marek said that three of four sides of the city is surrounded by forest), and when you come from northern Poland that was mostly empty farm land, then this seems surreal. When you are only a little bit away from city, it is hard to believe that there in the middle of this forest is a city housing millions of people, wide areas of very dense population and urban houses, especially that there are some skyscrapers in the middle.

Alright, this is all for this time and about Warsaw... tomorrow I will try to get to Brno in Czech Republic. I'm not going to Prague (what is especially sad, because I couldn't imagine, what is the old town of Prague, when already old town of Warsaw impressed me), because I get to sleep at Brno at the place of our friend David from Kenyan times.

Cześć (See you in Polish)

Out of Estonia

I'm on the travel again. This time like a old school hippie - hitching the ride, looking for coach places or staying in a tent somewhere in the beautiful nature. On the way I'll start making necklaces to sell, but I also try to find some jobs. At some point I hope to find a proper job and settle down somewhere for a while. So if any European could offer me something even for a short time, then write to my e-mail. Some have said that I'm crazy, leaving home to south that already has problems with employment or immigration, but I say that it is better to live in insecurity than in never ending depression.

Yes, also travelling is hard and tiresome, but when I got to Vilnius, I felt like just coming out from sauna - tired and hungry, but feeling still good and happy. Even if my mission to get a job fails, then at least I see new places and meet new people. I feel alive at least. Additionally I try to stay in south near the Mediterranean Sea to avoid northern winter. I really feel that I can't tolerate another such winter as was last.

Right now I'm at my friend's (brother Justas from our Kenya family) place in Vilnius, and just resting. Yesterday I looked around in the city. Vilnius is like a hybrid of Tallinn and Tartu, but much bigger and more close-packed. Yes, there are differences in details like Vilnius has much better road network, nice prospects, bigger parks and plazas, beautiful cathedrals and churches, bigger but more classical old town with much more Soviet era additions than for example in Tallinn, but feeling and life is really quite the same. It should make me feel like in home, but it doesn't. Actually I feel homesickness, but not for Estonia, but for Kenya. Lithuanian youth though seems very nice. Surely nicer than Estonians. And it seems that they don't try to create some superficial identity or appearance as youth often does in Estonia. They are here who they are - simple and straightforward. And they accept strangers much better. I tell you my people of Estonia, you need to be more open, more friendly and social. Even trying to catch a ride from Tallinn to Tartu was worst part of my trip so far. I waited a car to stop for three hours in a cold seaborne wind. At least guy who took me up at last, was friendly and great to have a conversation.

Road so far! From Tartu to Riga was amazing. First part was with Kudrun's sister and her boyfriend. I had never rode the Elvan way. Amazing - road going up and down the hills, mighty forests surrounding, here and there some farmhouses either made in old country style from wooden logs, or then ones with red clay cover , reminding me a little of south... I mean Africa (really I had never seen such red clay covered houses in Estonia before). There was also  old wooden dam and I'm not absolutely sure, but I think it was old watermill there too. Some more old houses and then suddenly high voltage power lines for contrast. There were also some cool place names like Plika or Ruuna. In old country language Plika means a girl. Actually even today it is used as a slang for a little girl. And Ruuna has nothing to do with runes. It means the old and bone-weary horse. There were many other names that I just forgot.

In double town Valga-Valka I just walked over the border to Latvia. It is weird to see all border gates abandoned, windows covered. When you go somewhere by ship or plain you still feel like going over the border, but not by land. Place seems quiet and I thought that Martin's (the boyfriend of Kudrun) warning about waiting for a car there for many hours may come to be true. But actually, in contrary to Martin's belief, getting a car from there wasn't hard at all. It took only about ten to fifteen minutes. Northern Latvia is great. There are even greater forests than in Estonia. Feels like a Nordic jungle, especially now with such a hot sun in the sky. In Northern Latvia I ride with many cars, everyone going forward just a little way. Still, I get close to Riga quite fast. But from there start problems. Cars just shooting by and when I finally get to greater circular road around Riga, then there is roadworks and getting to other side of Riga seems hard. Anyway I have to ride with couple of cars to finally arrive to E67, pretty much straight way to Vilnius. But again I had some problems getting a ride, because on this road, everyone just speeds. A lot of cars with Lithuanian numbers go by and none of them stop for quite a long time, and as sun is showing early signs of approaching evening, I already fear that I don't get to Vilnius this day. But place is nice, weather is best I could want and I have a tent, so it doesn't bother me as much as starting from Tallinn. But I still try for a while. I already sent Justas a message that I probably get to Vilnius next day, but then stops a very cool Turkish guy who lives in a Vilnius. Road is long and when we get close to Vilnius, we both are really tired, but happy to finally arrive. At first he puts me to one bus stop, but after few minutes he returns after picking up one of his friend, as he comes to think that all buses have already gone for this day, so he takes me to city center. Big up for these friendly and funny Turkish guys. They were extremely nice people.

By the way, so far most people have had hard time speaking English. Some even none. But we managed. I was surprised, that I even can say few words, even few most needed sentences in Russian. Here in Vilnius, it seems that people, at least all the youth speaks pretty good English.

Today we go with Mykolas (my other Lithuanian-Kenyan brother) we go for a little trip in Lithuania. It takes me some way back to north, but for sunday we come back to Vilnius again. And after all, I'm sure that this trip will be nice. I can't just ride through every country on the way, and such a straight shooting is pretty much planned for Poland and maybe even for Czech Republic. I try to spend some time again in Austria I think. I still haven't got contact with Elisabeth, my acquaintance through Deviant Art. Then again, Justas gives me contacts of this Czech guy we met in Kenya, and if he can host me for few days, then it would be nice to rest there too. Today I sent few requests for coach surfing in Warsaw, but I think from Warsaw to Czech it may take two days travel, even though I might not go to Prague at all, but to Brno. And when visiting Kudrun, Martin and lil Kaspar, I met Martin's friend Rene from Marseilles and he is willing to host me for one or two days when I get there. Anyway, no problem. Life on the road is like a paradise compared to the life in Estonia.

To finish the first entry of this travel, I think no-one would guess who tried to call me when I was on the way to Vilnius and again early in the morning next day. Even for Mykolas it took three tries to get it right. It was Kate. I don't understand what she wants, but anyway she was very persistent. When I didn't answer, she tried again and again, until in the second morning I had to shut off my phone. If you think that this was cruel, then you probably haven't read through my old posts and don't know what she has done to me. Anyway, I actually also sent her a message that I'm out of Estonia and calling there would be extremely expensive for her and for me too. I wrote that she should send me message if she wants to say something, but she carried on trying to call. Actually I would like to know what was that now. I would never had guessed that she ever calls me again, but I guess Kenya and it's people have even more surprises for me.

So, when you see some guy similar to what you can see on the photos of mine, to travel somewhere in Poland, Czech Republic, Austria, Italy, Southern France or Spain, then you could just come to talk with me, or offer me ride, or host me, or offer some food. I would be thankful for everything and anything. And do the same to others too. Let the international friendship and mutual assistance show that world can become better place to live. Love and peace to all!

Good boy, spam detector.. good boy!

I am happy to see that spam detector here in blogspot does quite a good job. Unlike my mail providor's spam detector it really makes somehow even difference between actual comment writers and just bots that for some reason send comments where isn't even any advertisements. How do I know that it is bot.. because sometimes I get exactly the same comment many times and to the different posts. Some comments doesn't make any sense regarding the post. Well, maybe some people have sent comment many times as it doesn't show up until I moderate it, but I don't care. It is easier for me like that... to let spam detector to do its job and trust it. Occasionally I try to check if there is some comment that may be actually wrote by reader, but I have to say that I don't lose anything if some comments like "I really like your blog, I will follow you" get deleted though it may be real reader. If you don't write more meaningful comments, then it just may happen that it gets deleted. Anyway, I'm happy that this detection system made it very easy for me to get rid of lots of unwanted comments and I don't intend to take spam detector nor comment moderating down. Well, bots do their job and don't care what I say, but if there are some people still trying to get their advertisements in my blog, then I say that you may as well give up or your job goes all in vain. And I really encourage my actual readers to post more constructive comments.

Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll

I saw from statistics that someone had found his or her way (probably still his) to my blog by searching the answer to question if smoking, chewing miraa and porn can affect sex. I wanted to write an answer to this. I'm no doctor, but I know that it does. Basically everything in the world, not only tobacco, ganja, miraa, alcohol or drugs, can become addictive. For example if you eat sweets a lot, then try to be without them. Or when you watch porn every day, then try to be without it. You can go to absurd with it. When you are really used to having threesomes then try to have only one girl. You find that you are not satisfied. Same way starts at one moment a sex to feel unsatisfying without something that you are used to have either before or during sex. When you hunt your girls in a danceclubs and before ending up in home in bed with her, you drink alcohol in this club, then when you try to have sex without having few drinks before that, you at some point may find that either you don't get orgasm or even just getting erection may be hard. When you watch porn a lot and probably then also masturbate, then it gets much harder to get orgasm without porn. And like with anything addictive, things tend to get worse. Hell, even just having sex too often, people get so used to that, that it finally don't excite anymore (at least without something new... something crazy). Addiction is always ends up with unsatisfying result without getting even more that to what you are addicted. But there are limits to everything. But even when you don't get satisfaction, you still get horny. This may evolve into erotomania. Erotomaniacs are simply put people who are constantly horny but it gets harder and harder to actually get satisfaction from sex and everything connected to that. And without satisfaction we get stressed, stress gets deeper and deeper depression. So anyway... people try not to get used to anything. It doesn't mean that you never can watch porn or drink before sex, etc, but don't do it like that all the time. Hold your sexlife fresh and without associations and routine. Everything can be done without getting addicted. Same applies actually everything in the life. Try to live a life so that every day is different than the other. Hold pauses between everything you do. And still, I have to say that effect of alcohol, tobaco, miraa, ganja and drugs that in common sense are regarded as creating addiction are worse than anything else. These all have substances in them that in one or other way affect nerve system directly and strongly. Most of these create apathy, limpness, emotional unstability and many other things that affect both sex and generally your life in a not good way.

But if you already feel that something has affected your sex life, and you don't get satisfaction without that booster, then don't worry. Only thing you have to do is not to give in to the lure. Take a break from both this booster and sex. Go to vaccation, hike and do something active and something that shows you that there are new days in life. I know that being without these things, especially absent of sex, may create bad feeling at first, but it only shows that you already were adicted. Yesterday I saw a guy in supermarket with a T-shirt where was written: "I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and having sex... It was worst fifteen minutes of my life". Anyway, even when you feel urge to get back to the things that you like so much then gather your strength and still hold a pause. This pause must be at least few months to have refreshing momentum.

Heart far far away land

Few days ago was my first time of hitchhiking in this year. It was good feeling to be on a road again and feel the nature around and wait for uncertainty of some stranger to pick me up. I'm now very anxious to get to my Eurotrip. Yeah, I'm going away again soon. I don't make many plans. Yes I'm preparing a little, and basically set goal to get to Spain, but only God knows if it goes so. If fate has different plans, then I may also end up in some other place. Anyway, somewhere in west I try to find a job and I know that also Spain has lots of problems with unemployment, but I still hope, as I'm tired of pedantic, serious and cold natured nordic people. I just can't stay in Estonia anymore, even more because I simply don't have anything to do here.

I printed myself a T-shirt where is written "Traveller looking for a job or host" (My sister said that it is good idea and Kudrun agreed by saying that I'm canny). Shirt is very nice and smart - black shining text with a really well chosen good and hip shrift on pure white. I also bought new shoes today. Finally I found exactly what I was looking for. It has been very hard to find something as good as my old Converse Weapons were, as suddenly all shoes have changed into either too flashy or too simple. Also new shoes have weird bottoms made of simple rubber and at least it feels that the way how it's just glued to the shoe, probably these shoes can't perdure for long. Fuck you Vans... these are no good shoes for anything - hiking, skateboarding, parkour... and they simply lack the style. Converse Weapons were the real style and durability in one package and could be weared pretty much everywhere, doing whatever (only need football shoes for stadium), and now I think new ones from Cropp (http://www.cropp.com/), model CroppRXI, are good new quality. Well at least what I already know is that they are comfortable and because they also look pretty much the same as Converse Weapons, at least for me that means they are stylish. But by looking the work quality, I am quite sure they also last. I still have some things to buy before going - a small pillow - exotic looking if possible - Indian for example, headlight, cheap hair cutting machine, as now I'm getting slowly used to my short or pretty much non-existant hair and I just can't let myself to grow into caveman on this trip (I still would like to get my hair back sometime in a future, but for now I will be bold)... same cutter will do also for my beard... small things like notebook, toothpaste, etc, but otherwise I'm ready to go. Even this warm-up hitchhiking gave me good nudge for courage. BTW, it was pretty cool because guy who picked me up was true modern cowboy/hillbilly. Yes he had a big offroad car with satnav system, and he was dressed in checkered flannel shirt, a jacket without sleeves, moustache and almost-cowboy hat. He even had such character that you really feel that this guy is some serious country fella. And he listened old music from radio Elmar (and you can hear quite a lot of country music from there), so at some point an old LADA car turned front of us, then I pretty much was carried to past... to the independence days of Estonia. Not that I would be much of a nostalgy lover, but this was really cool moment. Anyway yes, I'm psychologically already prepared and willing.

This day when I hitchhiked I met my best friend forever (not very my style to say so, but it is true), Kudrun, and she said that she can't believe that I'm going away again. She said that although she has always believed that I belong to the road or far-away lands, but it is still unbelievable that I'm going. But after reading a draft of following text about how much I miss Kenya, Africa, or actually even any southern place where people smile and are not drained by life as we here in Estonia, she also said that she doesn't understand how I survived this winter. I have to say that it was one of the two of the hardest winters in my life and it demanded a lot of willpower and other mental survival strategies to not to give up. Oh, don't worry about me now. Actually I know that I always come through even hardest of hell and when sun shines again, it helps me up again. I have always said that there are two things sure about me... when even I don't know anything else about myself surely, then at least I know that I don't give up on life and I don't turn Christian. Ok, now I ain't sure even the second, as I thought that who knows, if I live rest of my life in Kenya with a Christian woman, then perhaps even I can be turned to this path. But sure is that in past I have actually thought about suicide, but I simply couldn't do that. So I changed my thinking. I changed my belief. Now when everything is shadowed I just turn my face to the sun and go on. I have learned to help myself and know that there is nothing hopeless... if things have been bad for a long time, then I simply have to look for any kind of change... sooner or later comes a success again. Now I believe into holiness of life. Not as most religious people do, but more because giving up needs only strength for one last time, but when you carry on, then you start to see the miraculous, wonderous world and finally you obtain that trait that I admire most about southlanders - optimism and positive attitude towards pretty much everything. I have often heared Africans to say when they are asked what is the secret to their constant smile (and of course not a fake smile like my mum thinks): "We are happy, this is just who we are." Maybe I will never be entirely like them, although I experienced that this positivity and optimism is very much "infectuous", but even if I will be gloomier and more serious than they, I want to live in a society where I'm pretty much only guy like that. Even if there is ten or hundred other people who are serious, tired and bored, it would be improvement, as in Estonia I see only "dead" people. In Estonia, smily faces in everyday life are so rare that when you see them, it is not enough to load my batteries and it is not enough to get a smile onto my face too. I have said that I'm like solar battery - when sun is out, then I have energy, but additionally to sun also people's emotions and general surrounding beauty have great effect on me. This winter was even so hard that when normally reggae music makes me feel happier, in this winter there was a period when all reggae, dancehall, even soca music seemed either sad or annoying false happiness. How could I have felt so. Because I miss something so much that it actually feels I have a hollow place inside me... there is something missing... a lot is missing.

In the beginning of this week was a volunteers trade fair here in Tallinn, and of course I along with other volunteers who had their service outside of Europe, had to talk about this experience. Truthfully, even though I'd like to share my tale, I simply have felt that it is mission impossible. Only one who has understood a little about what it really was, is my grandmother, and to her I have shown pictures and talked about it already over half a year. So now I have felt that I don't want to make people understand our experience (they never will unless they go and live it through by themselves, but what I want is to get back there. Well ok, this was actually what we were supposed to say to these people who listened, but still it felt that they can't hear what we say. Come on, I say that it was such an intense experiense and I want to get back there... for good... how can't you relate to that message, how you don't understand it. But I know, before going, I was also just obsessed of Africa, actually I would never had taken seriously the idea of working to gather the money to move all my life there, to marry an African girl and do whatever there for living. It just sounds so surreal. But now it is only truth I know. And I say to you who think about going to such voluntary service, that sure go, it probably will be amazing experience, but you must also understand that leaving may be hardest part. Before going I was sure that I like this experience, but I couldn't have had idea of how much it changes me.

Have I wrote in my blog that I miss Kenya? I don't remember speciffically any post, but I believe I have done that already many times. Even when I write that I miss my friends there or my sweetheart, then actually it means that I miss Kenya too, as they without Kenya are nothing. Well, this time I wanted to make sure that people would get some idea how much I miss Kenya and what it feels like to be right here now, thousands of kilometers away from that paradiseland. Ok, first of all I must say that I know Kenya has many bad things too and probably when I get there, I have lots of days when there is only routine and maybe even stress from hard time when I try to set up my life there, or feeling of idledness in some days, but as I wrote a comment to the photo of one of my friends, that was named by another commenter to depict a paradise, although it was just a very green street - I wrote that Paradise doesn't have to be some place full of nature (it may be, but doesn't have to), but Paradise is a state of mind, it is feeling and in some cases a connection with certain place or something actual. So everyone has their own Paradise. And even though Kenya has lots of crime because of what especially I, a white guy, is in danger,... and Kenya has lots of corruption, not very great educational system or healthcare, there is lots of slums where people live in shacks and litter the streets around them with garbage, it is still so deeply rooted in my heart. It is so because of many things... much more than bad things, is there things that I like and without what my life seems emptier. I think about Kenya all the time. What ever I do in Estonia, or what ever I see here, everything turns my mind to Kenya. I think how different it was. I know that something being better or worse than something else is very relative, but the different effect comes clear to me when I remember how in Kenya even worst days weren't so bad that I would say that I want to get back to my home and to my people. No I said to myself: "Yes I feel bad right now as this wasn't like I hoped, but don't worry, I'll get over it and I fix things. There is nothing better in Estonia." I have always said that I didn't had a culture shock, as there wasn't anything in their culture that I would condemn for being the reason of my bad feeling and at the same time I always thought how nature of Estonians and our living style, our system, our culture and even our climate has made me feel bad countless of times and then... then I have always judged our world we live in Estonia. I have felt cultural stress for a long time, but in Estonia... In Kenya I was released from that burden. There everything seemed more natural and more homely, than in a country where I have grown and lived my entire life. I have asked myself how is it possible that I grew to fit into another culture, but actually answer is simple. You know that people learn all their life. During their life they start understanding what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, and usually they grow to think that what is so close to them is right and good, but sometimes some people don't find these good and right things with their exploration of their nearby surroundings. Some understand that things you may see in your life, teached by your parents and in school, things that are carrying our own culture as it is, may not be best, might not be the only truth. Such a person was I. I learned early to not to take things self-evident. I learned to criticize even closest things, even things that I did. And over time I found a lot of problematic things to what I didn't find solution. But I looked from wrong place... solution was accepting what is here as Paradise for others but finding myself another place. In Kenya I understood, that this place is closer to my soul than my fatherland. I'm not a patriot, but patriotism without reason is overrated anyway. And by the way, also in this trade fair I said that Estonia is very good place to rest... no not for vacation, but for resting. Estonia is quiet and boring, fairly tolerant place where most people try not to disturb eachother... would it be even simple talking to you. Here you can be alone and rest from intense socializing, colourful and crazy cultures and from working, as Estonia because due to bad working conditions, arrogant and selfish employers and low payments can't even be called good working environment (even though most Estonians are laborious, hard working and loyal to work ethics), but Estonia isn't place to live. This is not life we do here... it is somehow dealing with inevitable. Living is feeling, expressing, experimenting, being active for enjoyment, etc. Again I understand that maybe some here find it enjoyable and they really can live here, but not me.

Kenya opened a whole new dimension for me. Like in sauna your pores open and you can't do anything but sweat and enjoy it, so was Kenya for me in sense of feelings. Of course I have feelings also in Estonia, but in Kenya these got so strong and conquered me, became the sole reason, became the source of enjoyment no matter what I currently felt. Intense, this is the key word. Compared to that, Estonia is simply boring and pointless. Unlike Mykolas, I have never felt that Kenya was like a dream in sense that it blurrs and seems somewhat unreal and in some parts not understandable. For me that place is Estonia. It is not entirely bad dream, but it is weird and foggy, slowpaced and full of gaps. But even when I'm back now in Estonia, through my mind I imagine many things to be what it used to be in Kenya. It was so in first days after return and even more now, soon a year after the end of my first Kenya adventure. I have constantly dreams and daydreams about Kenya. In my mind it is so close that I can still touch, smell, hear and feel things that I remember and imagine. I remember and dream and then reality in Estonia seems so painful for me... pain from missing something so much. Everyone knows some people who read fantasy tales or play computer games and then hope that they would live in this wonderous world. Well, even I was such guy... a fantasy dork... until I found my dreamworld to be real. Like I think Kudrun would say, it brought me inspiration... it brought me so much creativity what is often very hard to find for me when I'm in Estonia. In Kenya borders between creativity and reality blurred many times. In Kenya I killed a dragon and found my princess, there was a Lucky Mouse People and green jungle giraffes, lonely pink panther, Mountain God, oh and another princess, a sleeping one, soldier ants and much more. Sometimes I think that even robbers were from some cool action game or RPG... partly mystified. The thought of it now and when I directly experienced this fantastical crazy world, turned life so colourful. I would gladly learn through my own mistakes or discoveries fed to me by environment, these hundreds of pieces of wisdom  how to protect myself from robbers, if I only could feel some excitement and adventure. Kenya, probably entire Africa is interactive world. There you can't live headphones or blinders on head (fact here.. I had lots of music with me in mp3 player, but I rarely listened it... I think some of the music I maybe even didn't), you can't be individualist and you can't expect things already known to you, happen again the same way. It is not a comfort zone, although even in Africa you can create a little comfort zone where to escape when you need it, this world, it is constant movement to somewhere and never getting used to something. It is moving...where?... who the hell knows that. Constant movement and changes anyway. If you get too used to something and get too comfortable not to hold your mind on it, this world throws you with something... or throws you into something new. True, it is dangerous, but then again you rarely feel routine there and I guess this is what holds also local people there so vigilant and lively. I don't agree with those who say that everything is stopped in Africa. Yes you can't be sure of agreements and people take time with everything, but this is actually much closer to the pace of nature.

Estonia rarely speaks or touches me, and I don't care most of the so called Estonian culture. But in Africa everything has symbolic meaning or reason. Sometimes quite naive, but many things that come straight from the heart, may be naive and cliche. I think I'm also often pretty naive. But sometimes these symbolic meanings and reasons are perhaps even deeper than ones in our "complex" culture. Sometimes it is subconcious and people don't understand it by themselves, sometimes they try to hide the real meanings (But then finding it out can become obsession that gives activity for days or even months.. and everything shouldn't be offered on a silver plate. Researching and discovering is one of the greatest delights offered to humans, why to make it easy for yourself and spoil all the fun, by living in a place where everything is so ordered, simple and self-evident). These mysteries and symbols have lots of character and show that it takes ages to fully understand the models this society uses to work. Knowing this, it only raises my interest to learn more. In Estonia the coherence of self-evidency and this weird non-interacting world and people (if any Estonian have objections to the fact that Estonians generally are not very social, then think about football players who simply don't communicate, how people don't show half their emotions out, how people don't come to streets to protest when they don't like something, how teenager who should be with a boiling blood, goes home without even saying hello or go-to-hell-o to parents, closes the door both literally and symbolically... that we call character of Estonian. It is emptiness and it is barrier), creates only ill feelings and melancholy. And when you try to do something, just to be active, then it seems so artificial and stressful or simply not worthy enough. Yeah, I'm adrenalin junkie. For happiness I need more than superficial social activities or just wasting time, I need not order and security, if then only a little bit. But I need some excitement... no matter if it comes from rock climbing or living in crazy, buzzing environment or something entirely else. I need enjoyment from intensity and emotionality. And I need to do do something that is not important for some greedy businessman, but for myself. This reminded me - through Kudrun's link in Facebook I found some maps that show how people of some certain countries in  the world describe other people - like what French think about other Europeans... or what characterizes the women of every country, or what things are we known by when asked from German, or political picture through the eyes of an American. Guess what... Estonians were always either primitive, cold, melancholic or unknown (and why... because we don't show any sign of ourselves) and I'm no way proud of such characteristics. What is peacefulness if you are just a buffer zone between Free World and Communists or Russian Mafia or what ever are the generalizising simple minded views of different peoples about modern Russia? What is beauty of our women when we are dead inside? What good is of ethics when people die because of boredness or being a good lapdog?

Aight, it came out a little bit more criticizing than I wanted, but this often happens when I now talk what I feel about Estonia and why I'm so determined to move away. Actually I still find many things that I find hard to leave when I leave Estonia, and I'm not all so anti-Estonian all the time. Usually when I miss my girl and my life in Kenya little bit less, then I wouldn't go so far to stamp everything in Estonia meaningless and puny, but as I wanted to show the extreme feeling of missing something so much, then I allowed myself that freedom to say everything out that I think from time to time. And I'm actually much more positive. True I want to work my way back to Kenya and when my plans get hit back, then I get angry and sad and desperate, but those who know me personaly, I think they understand why I named myself Jolly Juwarra.

Like my friend Janika said: "But missing can be good too, some day when you get to your girl, you start to miss that feeling you have now". Or something like that. But she also wrote to her blog that longterm determination is one of the greatest mysteries. To believe into yourself and never give up. Going forward. That way, reaching your destination or goal is only matter of time. I would add to that, that if you are so determined, then so strong feelings like I have, are normal, and even when you may be somewhat disturbed by that sadness of so great longing, then actually it helps you to reach this destination... or destiny.

One more example from somewhat weird feelings I have. Today we went to graveyard where my father's parents and one of my sister is buried. Grandparents died 1993 and 94 and I even haven't seen my firstborn sister as she died  a little after the birth, but today tears came to my eyes there. Of course I miss my grandparents, but it is long time since their death and I have never got tears when we visit graveyard. But now when I know that I will leave, and who knows maybe I don't ever get to go to their graves, it simply overwhelmed me. I put a candle and clapped my hands together and bowed like Shinto believers do to honour their forefathers at shrine. Graves don't have any special significance to me, nor do I believe that spirits have that kind of connection to material world that they would follow us and look if they are remembered, but somehow I felt that I need to perform that ritual. Just for my own sake.

So so, I hope in my travels I will have also some possibilities to write, but then again from Kenya times I also learned that a lot can happen that delays or entirely takes interest to post news.
What else... feel irie people!